Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • I have never felt this down by: Julia 13 years 3 months ago

    I came to the forum today to try and search for answers. Support.

    My husband was diagnosed with ADHD about 2.5 years ago. It explained at lot. I thought at the time that we finally had an answer and we could start working on solutions. 

    Wrong.

    I have always supported him, pre diagnosis and since: I followed him long distance for his work, he lost a few jobs since, he had addition issues etc... I have done everything that was needed: I read everything he asked me to read to get informed. He needed" to go to a costly ADHD clinic/coaching we found the money. He wanted me to change the way certain things were done in order to help him and I adjusted. He wanted us to get a cleaning lady, we did. He wanted to start exercising to help him burn some energy, think more clearly so he a martial arts school that would allow him to do that AND help him with focus/meditation. $$ but OK. He went for a while and now it's a battle for him to go. I also asked him to talk to his therapist to get a referral for marriage counseling.

    Then he stopped going to therapy. He didn't really need it. He started to contribute less and less. Not his fault, he has ADHD. I need to be more understanding. He has always been a little argumentative. We both are. But now he started arguing about EVERYTHING I say yet has no opinion when I ask for one. I am careful with the words I use, try to be very clear but he usually believes I mean something else that I am not saying. He feels attacked for no reason. We discuss and agree on something, he will bring it back up over, and over, and over again. He forgets. But not his fault. Since he had not, I looked for marriage counseling. He didn't want to go unless it was ADHD specific. It wasn't.

    I was moved to a new job 2 years ago (had no choice) that is significantly more stressful and time consuming. I have had to take on more at home as well otherwise we would be living in too much chaos. I have told him I need help. Told him I am exhausted. He keeps telling me what I need to do to for him first. He needs more positive reinforcement. He needs me to be more affectionate. He needs me to stop asking him to do things. I need to be more understanding. Told him that I'm empty. I can't give anymore. Told him I can't continue like this. Please go back to therapy! Find us a marriage / ADHD counselor. We need to work this out.

    So he went back to therapy yesterday. Came back home saying that he found the reason why he was not doing anything to contribute in our family. It is because he thinks that our relationship is doomed since I said that I couldn't go on like this. So what's the point?

    I have done EVERYTHING I can to support him and to make our marriage work. I want our family together. I love him. He is my best friend. I have been telling for months, years how I feel but now that I have nothing more to give we are doomed?

    It hurts.

  • Need to vent! by: needsalifeline 13 years 3 months ago

    OMG!!  Today is NOT going well!!  My dh's old counselor called and discussed the bill with him, after I made it a point to ask them to NOT talk to him about it.  I have been making payments but the balance is high due to complications with my insurance (things that in a million years my dh will not "get" and will only piss him off).  Well my dh calls me at work (I'm not supposed to get or make personal calls) and completely freaks out.  When I tried to tell him we would talk when he picked me up from work he hung up on me...now I don't even know if hes picking me up, as he wont answer the phone.  He doesn't seem to remember that it was his idea to go to counseling that time and he chose to end it when the counselor told him he was wrong.  His version is that the bill is my fault because I made us go to counseling we didn't need and now because of me we owe a bunch of money.  I called the secretary for the counselor and asked why they called my house and talked to him and they were like "well we needed to know how much the next payment was going to be and he started asking questions, were sorry".  Uggggg!!!!  Soooooo much for moving in a positive direction.

    Then I have a job interview this evening and I'm not sure if I will get there either!!  Its my dream job and it would be a big positive for us, more pay and I wouldn't be stressed out all the time like I am with my current job.  My stomach is just churning......I hate stress!!!!!!  Thank you for letting me vent, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

  • ADD symptoms by: artsygal 13 years 3 months ago

     

    I am going to be tested for ADD.  My husband has severe ADHD...I wonder if it is common for people with ADHD to attract ADD spouse?  Anyways some of my symptoms are anxiety/depression, innatention, inability to accomplish dreams, spacey, bad working or short term memory I have to compensate and do things to hide it a lot at work.  When both him and I go to the grocery store...it's a disaster in stress and spaciness!

  • Feel like I can't do it anymore by: artsygal 13 years 3 months ago

     

    I know so many women of husband with ADHD feel this way...but I just need to vent before I loose my sanity.  My spouse has severe ADHD, to the extent that he leaves cupboard doors open, sugar bowls open for bugs to get into, front doors open...you get the idea.  The house is a disaster, and I have not many of my own needs met, including physical.  He has finally gotten a diagnosis and started on Ritalin.  He feels like a new person although he feels like the dosage needs to be hirer.  Recently there has been a question as to wether I have the inatentive ADD and I will be tested for that.  But I know that I struggle with depression/anxiety off and on and am on medicines for it.  The problem is, together we are an emotional rollacoaster of a couple!  Between his almost regulated ADHD, hyperactivity, temper, innatentiveness, and my depression, anxiety, and forgetfulness,...well, you get the picture.  I feel like im loosing my sanity.  I am the main provider.  I pay $800 a month for a 2 bedroom apart that looks constantly like a dump hole.  Im afraid of renting a new place for fear he will trash it.  I sometimes wonder if there comes a point where staying together is just not healthy.  I am almost fourty.  I worry that my current stress level in this relationship and my constant irritability, and sadness will make me sick.  I almost think its easier to be alone and just take care of myself, but at the same time, I hate the thought of divorce and I do care about him...Also, I have strong religious beliefs against divorce.  Anyways, just venting.  Who knows, maybe being alone, I wouldnt be much better, i mean sure my place would be cleaner, but I would be just that, alone.

  • What now, nothing works? by: 6310Z 13 years 3 months ago
    1. Adderal XR
    2. Ritalin
    3. Dextroamphetamine
    4. Straterra
    5. Adderal, Ritalin and Dex again with "drug holidays" (2 days on, 5 off)
    6. Neurontin
    7. Vyvanse
    8. Provigil
    9. Nuvigil
    10. Namenda
    11. Intuniv

    I first took Adderal XR in November of 2008. For 2 weeks the noise was attenuated. It was truly remarkable to have the first vacation in my life from the hell that is living with my own brain and getting to experience what life must be like for everyone else. Unfortunately it didn't last. I quickly (two weeks as mentioned) developed a resistance to it. The does was upped, no effect. None of the stimulants tried thereafter have had any effect at all on me (I may as well have been taking sugar pills (in fact they probably would have been more effective)). The other medications have either not worked, or have had such unbearable side effects that I couldn't take them long enough to find out if they'd work.

    I've seen 4 different psychiatrists and 3 psychologists. I've been to the Hallowell Center in Sudbury and saw a psychiatrist there and did LENS neurofeedback. After getting no results from LENS my case was put in front of the designer of the system himself and after using those tweaked maps there was still no improvement. I've been to the Amen Clinic and had the SPECT scans (btw, AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE... those guys are total snake oil salesmen and the recommend procedures  (specifically hyperbaric oxygen therapy) which they have absolutely ZERO experience with and when asked things like "what depth, how long of a dive is required, what frequency do you recommend becaue nobody within a 500 mile radius of Boston has heard of treating ADHD with this and Mass General actually laughed" they come up with the brilliant asnwer of "oh, we really don't know"). I've done cognitive behavioral therapy, I've done the list making, the chunking, the timers, etc. and I can't stay focused enough to even make those things work.

    So now what? I'm 37 and I'm still dependent on my parents. It's humiliating. I've been called "brilliant" and "genius" and what not. I have tried my ass off. I have not been able to enjoy life for the most part because I am always trying to keep my head above water, or trying something new in hopes that it will help me cope. Nothing has worked. I can't hold a traditional job of any sort so for the past 8 years I've been self employed but my businesses are unsuccessful because I have to put so much time and energy in getting the core things done for my customers that I have no time for marketing or sales. Last year I made -$10,000, and this year I'm on track to do even worse. The savings are dwindling. The economy is bad but I can't peg this on the economy as my colleagues have all managed to keep their heads above water.

    Today my psychologist suggested that I speak with my psychiatrist about advocating disability for me (I know it sounds ridiculous but there's a number of other issues I have that make it impossible for me to find a job that would pay me enough to cover my medical expenses, put a roof over my head, and food on the table, the combination of these things has made it impossible for me to find work (burger flipping 40 hours a week wouldn't even scratch my medical bills)... if you're thinking this psychologist is a quack, he's not... he has a lot of experience with ADHD and I believe used to work for Hallowell).

    That is NOT a path I want to go down. I've already been a burden on so many other people, I don't want to add the taxpayers to that long list. So what now? I am fracking exhausted. My entire existence is put into work, only to fail every time. I love my girlfriend but she wants a house and kids. We thought we'd be married now and down that path but my ADHD seems to be getting worse. I can't even handle supporting myself. After reading the Orlov book it became quite obvious that the responsibility, organizational skills, and time management that is required of parents is currently impossible for me (not to mention the financial obligation). It's bad enough that I'm considering leaving my girlfriend (who ironically enough is actually a psychologist). I love her, and I want her to be happy and the logical way for me to give that to her is to leave her. She'll grieve but she'll get over it. Hopefully it's not too late for her to fall in love again and find someone who can give her what she wants. For me, that's it. I can't ever get into another relationship. I've had 4 girlfirends and 3 of those were long term relationships (4 years, 10 years, and the current one is at 2 years). ADHD was the predominant contributing factor to the end of the first two, and it's creating significant issues in my current relationship. I can't expose someone to that ever again. I fear the rest of my life is going to be quite lonely.

    I've seen the best in the world and I feel like I'm now out of options. Is there anything else? I'm exhausted. I don't want to be like this. I want to look back on life and be able to point to something that I can be proud of.

  • Still making progress by: needsalifeline 13 years 3 months ago

    Just a lil update.  The dh and I are still making progress, the weekend went well with minimal problems.  We took his daughter back to her mom's and saw family while we were down there, I went and hung out with my mom and he hung out with his brother and mom.  He even wore his wedding ring for the entire weekend....amazing for him seeing he used to complain it bothered him.  He was pretty crabby on the way home (3 hours one way in the vehicle), but when I mentioned it he DIDN'T blow up!!  He thought about it for a minute, told me "yeah I guess I am a little short tempered today" and then told me that he really misses his family and didn't want to leave.  WOW, is all I can say because he would NEVER have done that it the past, he would have told me that he was fine and I had the issue.

    So here is my issue...as minor as it may seem.  He starts back to college on the 29th and I'm scared to death.  He went and got his books yesterday for class and ordered a laptop too (laptops have NOT been a good thing for him because 1. he tends to drop them, or eat while using them and they die, hes had two already. 2. he has, in the past used laptops to carry on relationships outside the marriage and to keep things from me) 3. he will take the laptop in the bedroom and disappear for hours.  He then made arrangements to buy a used truck from a friend (1. we can barely cover basic insurance on the vehicle we have not to mention the extra gas. 2. When he has a vehicle and doesn't have to be on a schedule for picking me up from work, he "forgets" to come home).  And he told me that he is applying for a job on campus (I really don't think he can handle the classwork load, his internship and a part time job!!), he is already on academic probation from last semester.  Truly I understand he needs to be independent and make his own decisions, but I just cant stop my stomach from churning....I just cant see good things coming from any of this!!!!!!

    I guess I'm a little pissed too because when I went back to school I had to fight him for it, as he didn't like the program (I am now a certified Holistic Health Practitioner) I picked because he thinks its "fake" and "a waste of money".  Also my truck got repo'd because I couldn't pay his bills and my truck payment too and the laptop he "bought" me for my birthday had to go back because instead of buying it outright he got it from a rent to own place (so he didn't have to spend all his money) and he couldn't make the payments.  So as petty as it may sound, its like he is getting to have everything he wants and I get whats left over.

    Thoughts, ideas, advice....I will take any of it!!!!

  • Non-ADHD Partners: Please help me understand my husband. Thanks. by: ADHDMomof2 13 years 3 months ago

    I need some help from the non-ADHD partners to understand my husband.  He is so angry and bitter.  We have been together for 18 years, and I started meds 10 years ago.  I only started therapy 6 months ago when I realized I needed help for my anxiety related to his pronouncement that he didn't love me anymore and wanted to divorce when the kids were older.  In spite of the changes I've made, he continues to vacillate on whether I've actually made any progress (You never change!/Why didn't you make these changes 10 years ago?  I don't love you anymore!/I love you.  If I didn't, why would I still be here?)  This part, at least, has less to do with me than him.  I've called him "Hamlet" (mostly in my head) since the beginning of our relationship about things both great and small.  Very indecisive about emotional matters, and admits he lets his strongest emotion at the moment drive the bus, and then feels that emotion even more, because he "gives in" to it. 

    He tells me he's 90% angry about the present, that I'm not a psychologist, and I'm wrong that he's still mostly bitter about the past.  However, a couple of days ago, when I cleaned the house, I also continued my task this summer of taking 1 closet/area of the house at a time and purge it of things we don't need.  6 kitchen bags of Goodwill materials, swept the garage, tidied all the rooms in the house, repaired 2 bookcases, and did several loads of laundry.  Oh, and I just remembered that I put most everything away from my children's 4 day trip to the grandparents.  He said nothing about it when he got home, BUT the second after both kids were in bed that night, he immediately said with a scowl  on his face, "MAKE SURE YOU PUT AWAY  _______'S MEDICATION BACK WHERE IT BELONGS.  DO IT TONIGHT."  I busted my a** all day and got a lot accomplished, and he still talks to me like I'm a child.  Though it is not one of my chores, I would have done it.  However, I was really annoyed about how he asked me, and initially responded with, "You could do it.  It's not actually one of my chores."   I

    I ultimately ended up doing it, because it wasn't a big deal, and I don't want to make choices based on his anger.   I keep telling him, I don't need an "atta girl,"  but if I'm not going to get any consistent acknowledgment, at least don't be a  J.A. to me and treat me like I don't do anything, because that's obviously not true.  I feel like his lingering resentment of me influences how he both views me and treats me, and his own emotional baggage (chronic indecisiveness re:  me which he refuses to acknowledge, depression, hurt from his Dad leaving for years after divorce, and the pain of watching his mother/step-father fight constantly) has made our marriage impossible.  He has told me as recently as today that I have had "years" to get my crap together and now it's "too late."  Does this sound like someone who is living in the present?  How do I deal with this?  I've addressed it and it makes him angrier because he says I'm wrong, yet his actions say otherwise.  His emotional indecisiveness alone is a major issue, never mind all his other issues plus mine.  I'm so frustrated from constantly trying and getting NOTHING (consistent) in return.  He used to say that I would fight and fight before eventually apologizing and that if I only apologized, it wouldn't get to the fight stage.  Now when I'm wrong, I apologize much sooner, if not immediately.  He acknowledges this, but now HE can't drop it.  I apologize, and he uses that as an opportunity to really light into me. 

    The man I loved is in there somewhere, but I can't find him, and I don't know if I ever will again.  His depression and anger have a stranglehold.  I don't even know if he WANTS to get better, because he, by his own admission, loves to be a "martyr."  Yet, I know he hates living this way.

  • Professional Spouse with ADD/OCD by: mml 13 years 3 months ago

    Anyone out there have any pearls of wisdom for the burned-out/angry/hopeless spouse of a physician with ADD & OCD who just can't seem to complete the required paperwork and is constantly running behind schedule during the day, being "dinged" by the EMR system for not going through emails/EMR completions in a timely manner, and who is probably about to be fired for the 4th time? Excellent physician, decades of practice, never sued, loved by patients (except the ones in the waiting room waiting an hour or two), admin people despise b/c of tardiness and piles of incomplete charts. HELP!!! I'm finally about to walk out - I cannot take it anymore.

  • It's all my fault by: Dusterman 13 years 3 months ago
    My wife has been diagnosed wi OCD & ADHD. She reacts to any situation that in stressful for her. This is fine within our relationship since she is working on this in counseling and I support her. Unfortunitally she has found a way to blame me for the situation that created the stress ... Even if the situation is not related to me. I think I am "safe" in her eyes so it's easy to default her angerr onto me. She is having a moment right now ... Thank to recent support on his forum ... I am looking at her stress as real to her instead of looking at it in the context of ADHD. is this the right perspective or am I enabling? I want to stick up for myself but know that I need to lay back, roll with th punches and simply support her with sympathy ... Enabling? She is so beautiful and an amazing person - I become desperate for her smile at times like these.
  • At the end of my rope by: Justpeachy 13 years 3 months ago
    from everything. He left the business all together two months ago. And has been doing nothing but mope around and say he is going to figure out what he is going to do. Luckily I went back to work full time a few years ago. So we have my income but I dont make enough to cover all the bills plus the mortgage. I've borrowed from my 401k to pay off his business debt that we carried over. Plus 1/2 of the credit card debt. Which we have because he has no impulse control when it comes to money. He had bought a truck using one of our credit cards to pay for it. He has bought and sold 10 different motorcycles never getting out what he put into them. Plus buying vehicles for the business and then just giving them all to his partner when he left the business. He wants sex daily. I always thought there was something wrong with me because I never enjoyed it. And he would always put me down for not getting into it. But it was all about what he wanted and how he liked it. For about the past four years I've been sleeping in separate room from him. I just couldn't handle his needy sex drive or his erratic sleep habits. He's upset with me because I'm only having sex with him 2 or 3 times a week and I'm only doing that to make him feel better. I could go without and be happy. There are good sides to him and I still love him but I'm at the end of my rope. I can't get him motivated to go out and network and find a new career. I'm the one who put his resume together and applying for jobs for him. I'm so mad at the situation right now. If I could afford to leave him and not have to go into bankruptcy over the house I probably would. He tried going to the dr and went on zoloft for depression about 2 years ago. He ended up with bad GERD and insomnia that he discontinued it. He went to a psychiatrist earlier this year but the med he gave him just made Hume want to sleep all the time and it bothered his stomach too. And now that he isn't working we cant afford the 15percent we would owe for the extra dr visits to try different meds.

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