Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Lost, confused, frustrated, and hurt... by: zozeer 13 years 3 months ago

    Until recently I thought I had developed the proper skills to cope with my ADHD.  The reality is that I have not.

    I am now living in my own apartment, away from my wife, and consuming any and all information I can find on ADHD, and marriage.  I picked up the book last night (an adventure in and of itself, 4 book stores later).  I have read it cover to cover once, and am on my second pass.  During this time I find that I am asking myself the same question over and over: "What right do I have to subject my non-ADHD wife to the life I have been?"  

    Is it fair to her for me to put her through my learning curve?  Its a lot to ask, and I can't help but think that the equation is much simpler without my contributions.  

    I am in counseling, on the meds, trying everything I can think of and read about to mitigate my negatives; but is it enough?  All the resources elude to benefits of ADHD, but I can't seem to see the forest for the trees.  I'm locked in this cycle of seeing my shortcomings and the impact it has on those around me.  I can't ask my wife to work this out if I am not sure that at the end of the day the negatives can be counteracted, or that my positives make a difference.  

    I'm not even sure I can keep this level of effort up, or if I am hyper-focusing in a burst.  I'm sure my wife shares the same concern.  I know she is worth the effort and energy it would take to be the husband that she deserves.  I don't know if I can achieve this before its too late, if at all.  This fear is crippling.  I can't continue as I have been, and there is no way I can know if I can figure this out at all.  There will always be a kernel of doubt. 

    The weight of my constant failure is unbearable.  I know I can't be messing up as much as I think I am, if I was I would not have had the same job for seven years, or be working on the intensive long term side project like I have, or married.  Everyone my whole life has told me how smart I am, but with the added 'just no up to your potential.'  It makes you wonder if you are even capable of meeting your potential at all.  

    I know I need to speak with her about how she feels about this challenge, but I don't think that its fair to want her to stay through this.  I don't want a failed marriage to be the latest and greatest in the casualty report of my ongoing battle with ADHD.  At the same time my wife deserves to be happy and relaxed.

    I'm lost, my self confidence is shattered, up is down, and it hurts. A lot.

  • First time sharing my frustrations by: Dusterman 13 years 3 months ago
    My wife of 2 years has been diagnosed with OCD and ADHD. She is going to cognitive behavioral therapy which has helped although when she reacts to stressful situations, and finds away to make me apart of the problem. Reason goes out the window. In counseling we agreed that when I recognize that she has been "triggered" that I should say a word that we agree on and I leave for 1 hour. During this time she is supposed to fill out work sheets to help discover the root of her stress ... Hence excluding me as the problem. She will not do the work sheets. In a couple of hours we will be like newlyweds. This is great but sooo unpredictable. Since she is far more sensitive hten me and I am a bit too easy going ... Things tend to go her way although I do stick up for myself. I still feel like a door mat. I'm writing this ... Here because I need a voice. With others who share my joys and hardships with having a spouse with OCD & ADHD. She will here me later ... But for now I ca speak to you all. Thank you :)
  • Stressed and confused! Am I wrong in doing this?? by: rara avis 13 years 3 months ago

    Hey very helpful people,

     

      Well, quick update/recap: my adhd guy and I see each other as the loves of our lives. The kicker of course is our sex life has ground down to near zero [ he's taking anti depressants, which I'm all for, but does that mean everything has to stop?! ] we do next to nothing together, and lately he's been pulling insane all nighers and vampire hours. I've asked, I've written down, repeatedly, how important it is to spend some time together, as a couple, in ways that have nothing to do with housework or his issues. No go. Same for me asking him to take his meds on a regular schedule. 

     

     I don't want to live without him, but I can't live like this, either. This is horrible. I've decided to tell him tomorrow that this relationship can't continue if things don't change. He has tools - they must be used. Honestly I feel sick and petrified. There are many, many good qualities to this man and he works too hard so the last thing I want to do is inadvertently make him feel bad. 

    As if on cue, yesterday I get a message from him saying he's feeling depressed, anxious, frozen, he is getting 'sick' again. I stressed out as I did not want to deal with a psychiatric emergency or severely depressed man again, alone. He has isolated from all friends and family. And then, the switcheroo - he came home with all sorts of little presents and a love note for me, and seems totally fine. 

     

     I am wondering if I am crazy, or if he is. I feel almost evil and unjustified in telling him our relationship might not make it. I wonder how much patience I should have. I wonder if I am doing the right thing! I feel like I can't tell my left hand from my right any more. 

     

     Anything anybody says will be most welcome. Bless you all,

     

    rara avis

     

     

  • Utter Despair - New To Community by: stillwaters 13 years 3 months ago

    I'm writing out of utter shame and despair. I, like us all, have a long story so I'll try my best to keep it brief. It's also hastily written.

    I'm 30ish, living with ADHD(on Meds, Adderall), Learning Disability, panic disorder and PTSD from childhood sexual abuse.

    I am engaged to a beautiful, brilliant, generous woman who accepts and loves me despite my many shortcomings. She even moved half-way across the country to be with me as I started a doctoral program. I realize now, perhaps too late that I have not been as kind to her as she's deserved. I have struggled to do what I said I was going to do so many times in so many ways, financial, emotional, and more. It's undermined her basic trust in me. And often when she raised this with me I would become defensive and blame her for her "unrealistic" standards. In short I blamed her for the very kind of insensitivity I callously dumped upon her. While there were some instances in that I still think I was "right" I now look back and realize that my denial about the severity of my condition and defensiveness have made her life miserable over the past few years.

    To top that off I have been blatantly dishonest with her. I have been struggling with a pornography compulsion that led to me to looking at escort advertisements and even making a few phone calls but NEVER CROSSING THE LINE TO INFIDELITY. She confronted me about it over a year ago and I responded with defensiveness and meanness for a while before breaking down and being completely honest with her. Over the last year my stress level has risen as the demands of my doctoral program shredded my confidence and exacerbated my anxiety disorder. I relapsed with pornography and escort materials and we drifted farther and farther apart as I continued to protest that everything was fine. A few weeks ago my finance confronted me about the escort website history she found on her computer. I admitted it was mine and we had a very difficult conversation. Two days ago she looked over our phone records and discovered that I had been blatantly dishonest with her again. I'd gone out of contact for many hours the night before her birthday and given her an elaborate story about it and berated her for not believing me. When she confronted me about this I told her the truth but she has lost trust in me almost completely. I've been so dishonest in so many little and big ways and hurt her so much that she says she can't get past it. I understand and feel miserable about how I have treated her. 

    I am now in intensive therapy for my trauma, starting medication for anxiety, and have taken a medical leave from school. For the first time in my life I feel like I'm in the position to make some very large life changes. But it might be too little too late. Our time together has been filled with good and love as well as all the difficulty I've listed. We are in love but I don't know what to do when I know I've hurt her and don't want her to be in any more pain at the same time I'm confident that we can get past these challenges.  

    How do we rebuild the trust?

    Am I right to hope we can heal and repair our relationship?

    Please be kind in your responses, I am fragile. 

    Thank you.

       
  • Seeking Advice by: Help 13 years 3 months ago

    Hello,

    I am looking for help understanding how I can to some things better.  Recently, I have  had issues with inattentiveness, not listening, making up stories, etc.

    This has been hurting the relationship between me and my wife to be.  It's got to a point where she does not believe I think she is special, she does not think I can change, and I don't consider her feelings.  

    A lot of this not the day to day stuff but more of when we are not together. It's not being able to live in the "now" thinking in the moment.

    I would really like to hear some feed back from folks that experience something similar, or can provide a some advice or suggestions on what I can do to reassure her, I love her, I think about her and I consider her.

    Thanks,

    SS

  • My personal Groundhog Day by: YYZ 13 years 3 months ago

    Two years and three months post diagnosis and I have been reading, learning, posting, taking my meds without fail and being patient with my expectations about recovery and closeness to my DW. My situation is different from many hear on this site and the same. Repairing lost trust, remembering important dates, attention to my DW when she has had a bad day. I'm in a good mood most of the time. I'm proactive with projects and keep my deadlines. I read people better, I control my under-whelming and and over-whelming social personalities. I am employed, spend a lot of time with the kids, do a lot of housework. try to keep my promises, communicate better and don't shut-down, I exercise and have held the weight off for over a year. Sounds pretty good to me.

    The big issue remaining is part of my cure. My Adderall helps make all the focus on these improvements. More energy, better mood, more level, not obsessed with food, not impulsively buying things as much (we all have room for improvement) This circular argument over my medication. It makes me skinny (I'm 5'-11'' at 185-190 lbs) a healthy weight for a 46 year old I believe. Stimulants make people skinny and need less sleep. The Adderall brings my brain chemistry to a normal level and I function better. Her point is stimulants make all people lose weight and need less sleep. My one point to her is these stimulants bring my brain chemistry to a normal level, evens the playing field. She is still mad about the positive changes in me. She does not see ADD improvement, but only my cheap weight loss and better disposition. Are the improvements not what we are all trying to accomplish here. To her I'm taking speed, feeling better because of the weight loss and more energy and thats it. And I get defensive when we discuss the medication. I get that she is angry about me getting the easy way out. Having ADD is "Great" I'm lucky to have it so I can take Adderall... She watches how much I eat and tells me when I am not meeting the minimum standards and telling me in public settings. I would never humiliate her in public about something like this. I have told her that I felt this topic would never get better without counseling, yet she does not want to go. I just had my annual physical and had the best results ever. I asked the doc about my weight and he said it was good, not gaunt, skinny or frail. I get told when people we know tell her they did not recognize me and I look much older. Only negative comments... I don't ever tell her what people say to me, like you look good... What did you do to lose weight? I know it is painful for her to hear these things when she struggles with her concept of what she thinks she should look like. She is so hard on herself... I compliment her every chance I get, not like every time I see her, but when she looks beautiful I tell her so. I thought this topic was trailing off as it has been about 2 months since the last squabble about it. It just pushes me down to a sad place where there is no resolution and it boils down to a non-understanding of what ADD is and how to treat the disorder. My meds are failing and I'm rambling, so I will say good night. I know this must sound so petty compared to the problems I read about on a daily basis.

    Thanks for listening.

    YYZ

  • 23 years, do I give up? by: black 13 years 3 months ago

    How do you know when it's time to wave goodbye?

    How do you know when it's time to say, I will no longer pick up the emotional, financial, and relational pieces?

    23 years of this is so stressful, his unemployment over the last 8 years is the most frustrating thing I have ever lived with. Thank God the good Lord has blessed me with a way to provide, but the difficulty of having to be  provider, mom, homework helper, encourager of the girls (now 17 and 20), mender of the sharp tongue that indiscriminately and impulsively lashes out is overwhelming.

    His father lives in our home as well, a real gem, but I feel like a race horse. They cook for me, encourage me to keep going, keep my stable clean, because I am the only one who "goes" and finishes well, and brings prize money home. I feel "used"

    We went to counseling, and once the counselor had me stand on a chair, and sat him on the floor. He asked us both how it felt, it was the perfect illustration of our marriage. My husband was comfortable but felt below me, It was difficult for me to stand on the chair,keep balanced, and I looked down on him, he asked my husband to help me get off the chair. He asked him how he would do that. He reached out his hand to help me off the chair. He told him that you have to figure out how to reach out your hand to help her. That was nearly 3 years ago. He has not come up with one idea yet.

    the role of wife and husband are two very different things. when they get reversed it's damaging in many ways. The book you wrote PERFECTLY describes the cycle of an ADHD marriage, however i bet your recovery story is special, and the percentages are not good for reversing the effects. What makes me sad about giving up on my marriage, is my daughter who is also ADHD. Will someone give up on her one day? She is more self aware, takes meds, and I try to tell her how her impulsivity, sharp tongue and dismissal of other's feelings affects me. And that one day a spouse may not be so forgiving, however there's apart of me that says, if you give up, that pattern is set. And is more likely to happen for your kids.

    if I stay the absolute weight of knowing that ALL of life's executive functions (as they call them in the books) are always and forever mine is such a pressure I am not sure if its bearable. My husband has been diagnosed, says he lied to the counselor just to get the meds. He takes meds, but you know, the meds only help so much for some, and once you hit that "full stop" and have given up on yourself it's hard to get things rolling. 

    I have lost respect, love, and forgiveness of the ADHD. I cannot look at this like cancer if there's no acknowledgement. I cannot say hey, let's work on a treatment plan together, if there's no agreement treatment is required. I am the dominant controller, the "parent". He has no "authority" in the home. He is damaged by my continual critism of his inabilities to complete tasks, to help me, to live up to my expectations, as slim as I feel they are.

    I read a book called "sacred marriage". Abraham Lincolns' wife must have been ADHD. She had a sharp tongue, was willful, and wicked. He kept her anyway. L O V E anyway, not "because". Marriage is not about happiness or joy, it's all about Sacrifice. I get that. I just don't know if I can live it for another day, much less years. Please share your wisdom. I am looking for solutions. But I cannot seek solutions for anyone else, only coping strategies for myself. My ADHD spouse will always believe he is "fine".  

     

     

  • Need Help by: Help 13 years 3 months ago

    Hello,

     I have recently finished reading the book.  I am getting married in about 44 days, however my future wife and I have some issues.  I believe the major issues are coming from my ADHD and looking for some help and suggestions what do. 

    Basically, thought our three years of dating I have issues that seem to continue to go in a cycle.  I tend to be inconsiderate, become defensive and do what I want to do (not terrible things).  I would never cheat on her, I never cheated on anyone in my life.  She can be uncomfortable with my friends as well as my family sometimes.  People tend to have their options and views as I have changed since we have been together.  The way I communicate has also been a problem, I tend to use words or convey the wrong messages, at this point, we are getting ready to get married.  My wife to be lost all trust in me,  she thinks I am shady, I hid things and feels I don't think she is special anymore and I wouldn't/didn't take the extra steps to show her.

    She thinks I don't love her as much as she loves me, when the truth of the matter is, I do love her very much, I do think she is very special to me, however my actions don't show her this.  

    I am looking for some advice on how I can tell her/show her i do care about her, I do love her and I do want this to work.

    Please help!

    Thanks,

    SS

     

  • Go ahead tell me "I told you so" by: needsalifeline 13 years 3 months ago

    Ok go ahead and tell me "I told ya so", I deserve it for being so damn gullible and stupid!!!  Well DH never went to the doctor yesterday, told me that I married him the way he is and he will never take pills again.  I tried to reason with him (I know big mistake) and he told me he was giving up school, his internship and me, because he cant stand me anymore.  He called everyone he could but no one had the money to come and get his ass and take him to his mom's (3 hours away).  That was yesterday morning, last night when we were calmer I tried to talk to him about the fact he keeps threatening to leave and he wouldn't even agree to try and stop saying it.  He told me he thinks we need some time apart and that he is going to go to his Moms and I cant stop him cause he needs to "hang out".  I know that if he leaves he isn't coming back....Im not that naive.  I also know he has been talking to his ex-girlfriend, who wants him back and lives down there (he doesn't know that I know).

    He feels there is nothing "broken" in our marriage and I'm trying to find problems to "bitch" about.  He also then claimed he was quitting school and his internship because I worry to much about him finding someone else (hmmm hes went outside our marriage twice in the last two years and I shouldn't be concerned????) and hes tired of me worrying.  We also talked about the fact that he wont talk to me about anything anymore and we used to talk about everything.  He claims that he cant trust me, because I used to throw what he told me in his face.  I totally admit to that!  I have a hell of a temper at times and when he verbally attacked me he got it right back, but I haven't done it in 6 months!!!  Ever since we talked about it and I told him I wouldn't do it anymore.  He says he put up a wall and I need to break through it.....and he wont let me in till he sees real changes in me.  And furthermore "the mortar on the wall is starting to set and I don't have much time".  He finished up his little speech by telling me that I didn't love him.  Really? cause I try everyday to show him how much I love him.....about that time I completely came undone and started crying (not something I do easily).  So then he diagnosed me as being "depressed" and a cry baby, told me I needed meds way worse than him, told me he was gonna go to my next counselor appointment so he could tell him "the truth about me" and went to sleep in the other room.

    And here I sit at work, in tears.  Good thing I have my own office and don't see anyone all day!!!  THIS SUCKS!!!!!

  • A question resulting from reading Melissa's book by: Anne de Graaf-B... 13 years 3 months ago

    I am part-way through reading Melissa's book The ADHD effect on marriage - it is very good and just just bought my husband and his (|Dutch) counsellor a copy each. Are there any plans for it to be translated into Dutch?

     

    However on page 192 about boundaries -   she talks about "BS" monitors, it's lost me completely - anyone know what this refers to?

     

    Thanks alot,

     

    Anne

     

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