Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • I can't stand him without his meds! Do I really love him? by: Sueann 13 years 3 months ago

    DH did not take his meds yesterday. He's out of his Concerta and he didn't take his anti-depressant either. He pooped out in the middle of a project, leaving an even bigger mess, complained of headaches and not feeling well, laid down for an hour at 5 pm, moaned and kicked me all night, had bad dreams, and wouldn't go to church this morning (and he's in the choir!). Needless to say, I'm not too fond of him right now.

    My question, and I suppose it applies to everyone whose partner takes psychoactive drugs, is this: Who am I married to? Am I married to someone I don't even like? Is this the REAL him? Does the person I married even exist? I hate the idea that I don't even love the "real" (unmedicated) him, but there isn't much to love.

    I took anti-depressants briefly (to deal with the situational depression caused by being married to someone with ADD) and I hated them because I didn't feel like myself. Maybe I'm projecting but I can't stand the idea that the unmedicated him is who I'm really married to, and I don't much like him. Maybe my whole marriage is a fraud.

  • CHADD does not have a support group meetings for partners of people with ADHD? Really? by: Monica3 13 years 3 months ago

    I can't find a non-ADHD partner/spouse group in the SF Bay Area. Where are they?

  • Frustration by: needsalifeline 13 years 3 months ago

    So frustrated with my counselor right now...thinking it really isn't gonna work out and that I need to find another one, AGAIN!!!  OMG, yesterday was my second appointment and it didn't go well.  I was very upfront with him during the first appointment that I was NOT looking for a divorce and that I wanted to work on my reactions to my husband and strategies to deal with his ADHD.  And once again the counselor (number 3) is only concerned with what my "exit" plan is.....I DON"T WANT AN EXIT PLAN!  He feels that because my husband will not come to counseling with me and that the issues have continued for years that I need to "realize that these are deal breakers" and "no one should have to be in your situation".  When I tried to explain why I have stayed and why I am trying like hell to save my marriage..he basically told me that there was nothing to save and that I was rationalizing the situation to much.  Really?  Cause he doesn't deal with this on a daily basis!  This from a counselor that supposedly specializes in marriage counseling and ADHD!!!  I was bawling on the way home, I just want help...not another person telling me how wrong I am. 

    Thanks for letting me vent! You guys are awesome!

  • Filed for divorce yesterday. Can't take anymore. by: chelsea 13 years 3 months ago

    My husband of 6 years has adhd, and has barely worked since we got married. His adhd was diagnosed before we got married, and he has been medicated ever since.   He had a job for a couple years before we got married, then lost it a few months into our marriage because he did something impulsive that made the boss angry.  He sat around for a few months not looking for work, until finally I told him that that was not OK with me, and that he could either work or go to school, but sitting around and not doing anything was not OK.  He chose to go back to school to get a degree in Construction Management (probably not a great choice for someone with adhd) got all the way to the final class and did not pass it.  He had to wait another year  to take the class again (during which time he did not work and barely looked for a job), and again failed it, this time because our son's birth coincided with the end of the course.  The birth wasn't a surprise, but he procrastinated so much that by the time the baby came there was no way he would finish. 

    I'm so angry because I have worked really hard for the last 15 years or so so that when the time came I'd have enough saved up to stay home with my child for his first year or two of life. However with the economy like it is and a partner who doesn't contribute I didn't feel secure leaving my job, and returned to work after my maternity leave.  We hired a nanny so he could take the course once more this spring, and he again dropped out near the end of the course.

    I see so many similarities with the posts on this site.. he makes me lots of promises that he's going to look for a job on Monday, but Monday never comes.  Always words, never actions. In the mean time I am working 30 hours a week, caring for our 1-year old, and doing almost everything around the house.  I pay the bills, cook, do the dishes, do the shared laundry (he does his own clothes, but rarely does our son's) He does watch our child while I'm at work, but as soon as I'm home he is off to play disc golf, or relax on the porch for the evening while smoking and playing games on his phone.  He'll do this for hours.  We had agreed at one time that since I cook the dishes were his job, but he never seemed to get around to it, and they were always piled high, making it hard for me to cook.  If I asked him to do them so I could cook, he'd question whether they *really* needed to be done, or if I was just trying to tell him what to do.  If I just did them myself to avoid the confrontation he'd call me passive aggressive.  It seemed my only option was to just put up with dishes piled high.    On the advice of our therapist we came up with a schedule for child care, but he will often not show up when it is his turn, and come home a few hours later apologizing, saying he lost track of time.  This happened so many times I just gave up on the schedule altogether.

    I feel horrible because I know he's in a really bad place, but I have reached the limit of what I can tolerate, and I feel like I've been a total doormat.  He forgot my 40th birthday, barely acknowledged me or my son for my son's first Christmas, and forgot my first Mothers' Day. I deserve better. He just looks for excuses and doesn't seem to take responsibility for getting better.  I pointed out that I thought we had the parent / child dynamic going on, and he now throws that back in my face repeatedly, saying that a lot of this is my fault for treating him like a child and being a controlling "parent".  While I understand there is some truth to that, he's being a victim and not taking any steps toward changing.  He's very focused on placing the blame elsewhere.  I've lost respect for him, and just don't see how I could ever get it back at this point.  I feel very sad for our son, and wish I could find a way to fix this for him, but I think staying in the relationship for him will just show him a very unhealthy example of a marriage.

     

  • When they know what to do but aren't doing it? by: rara avis 13 years 3 months ago

    Hello everybody,

     

     First off, THANK YOU for existing. I'm so grateful to have found this site! 

     

     I started off by writing a near novel of my situation, but erased it. My experience is yours! What I want to know is, what if your adhd sig. other KNOWS what to do to help themselves - diet, exercise, sleep schedule, etc....but isn't doing it? I'm not asking for perfection here, I mean, really hardly doing any of it? My ADHD guy TAUGHT me the things he needs to do, eat, etc..for goodness' sake. We've discussed things to do.  He tells me what he needs...but there is no follow through. Instead he's working all ours, not making money anyway, sleeping all day, eating crap, etc... etc...! It's like he got comfortable in the relationship and has turned into a total wreck. 

     

     I've been digging deep into my bag of detatchment tricks, and have also stated my needs gently and even in writing! With praise. I asked for one weekday night and one weekend day. I do not think this is asking for the moon? Meanwhile I bought the house, pay home bills etc...to his total credit he does a lot of yardwork which I appreciate and make it clear that I appreciate it! However, in our relationship we have no intimacy and do NOTHING together. Unless it's my guy talking about himself? Our relationship is in serious trouble and I cannot get him to see this. I even had a nightmare when I was beating my head against a wall. 

     

     I can't imagine living without my guy, but this is no life either.  I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! 

     

    Suggestions, advice, or anything is appreciated! I love this guy but am so lonely. I have cool friends, but no kids, nieces/nephews/siblings etc..., so  at midlife finally I though I'd found my mini family. Instead it's morphing into a lonely nightmare and I am so sad. :( 

     

    Thank you!

    rara avis

     

     

  • Need Help Getting Right Diagnosis by: rmel 13 years 3 months ago

    I am a 37 year old married male with no children.  I was diagnosed with bipolar type II two years ago and with inattentive type ADHD four months ago.  A psychiatrist diagnosed me with the BPII, and an LPCC who specializes in diagnostic testing diagnosed the ADHD (she calls it attention superior disorder, though I am not sure what that is).  The LPCC does not believe that I have BP; my psychiatrist, after reading the LPCC’s assessment, thinks that I have both conditions; and my own individual therapist believes I have BP, but that I am in denial about its impact on me, and that, if I do have ADHD, it is not the primary cause of my symptoms but is rather due to the BP.  Finally, my wife as well as my wife’s individual therapist, who is our couples counselor as well (I need to change that situation) believes I have ADHD and not BP.
    I have not even discussed the treatment part, and yet I am extremely frustrated with what I have discussed so far.  I am an analytical chemist by profession, and my job is to solve problems and collaborate with other laboratories (that use other techniques and specialties from my own) to find solutions to problems using all available data and resolving differences in findings from various techniques to reach a consensus.  The above situation is making me crazy because I just want to knock everyone’s heads together and make them read each other’s reports then spend an hour on a conference call (or in person) to discuss my case and figure out what is going on.  That is exactly how I would handle it if I were any one of these people in this situation.  It blows me away that no one would even consider any of the other assessments (except for the psychiatrist, who, to his credit, acknowledged the ADHD part of the assessment from the LPCC but disagrees with her conclusion of there being no evidence of BP) and would rather just assert their own assessment.  Problems get solved by utilizing all available information.  I could not imagine ignoring any of the available information to solve a problem (unless I can verify, i.e., not just assume invalidity because someone else did the work, that the information is invalid).
    The following is my strategy for the short term (I do not know what to do in the medium to long term). 
    1.) My next step is to get assessed by a clinical psychologist who is an expert in treating ADHD (and ADHD with coexisting conditions) to confirm ADHD and to see if he can find any evidence of BPII.  My psychiatrist is aware of this, and is willing to work with him as he (the psychiatrist) is an expert in bipolar disorder and knows a lot about mood stabilizers but very little about stimulants.  The psychologist cannot prescribe meds, but would normally work with a GP to prescribe whatever he sees fit.  I want to verify that he will work with my psychiatrist to select and adjust the medications.
    2.) I also want to see if the psychologist can fill in the gaps in my talk therapy to deal more with the ADHD side of my problems and the practical issues that a coach would address.  I do not want to hire an ADHD coach as my insurance would not cover coaching.
    3.) The psychologist also runs a monthly adult ADHD support group which I plan to attend.  I would like to find a weekly group therapy session as I like the dialogue and support with other people going through similar experiences as my own.  I have not found one specifically for ADHD yet.
    4.) Continue to work with my individual therapist to deal with low self esteem, marital, negativity and depression, and difficulty connecting with other people issues.
    5.) Continue weekly dialectical behavioral group therapy until I can find a weekly ADHD therapy group.  The support that I get from a group setting is really important to me.
    6.) Find a couples counselor who is not associated or recommended by either my wife’s therapist (our current couple counselor) or my individual therapist.
    7.) No longer allow my spouse to get involved in my therapy.  This has and still is creating difficulty for me.  It is my treatment (except for the couples counseling), and it is for me and my behavioral health providers to decide my course of treatment.
    Does anyone have an opinion on any of the points above?  I would appreciate any feedback (whether or not you are qualified to give medical advice as I will assume that no one in the forum is qualified to give medical advice unless they have stated otherwise).
    I will create another post section under “Need Help Getting Right Medication” to ask for advice regarding the medication maze I am currently navigating as well.
    Thank you so much for any ideas that you all may have.

  • Separation by: KateBryant 13 years 3 months ago

    I'm relatively new here, hope I'm positing this in the right place. 

    A little background: For the last 6 months or so I've had my finger hovering over the big flashing "give up and get out" button. Then about a week ago, my husband finally went to an appointment with a Psychiatrst, was diagnosed with ADHD, and put on Ritalin. When he got back from the appointment, we had a long talk about everything, and I brought up some of the feelings I've been having that I was afraid to share, because I was pretty sure he'd use them as an excuse to not try to save the marriage at all. As I put it to him at the time: I haven't given up on us, but I've pretty much given up on him.

    Anyway, now that we have a diagnosis, and treatment, I feel like there is some hope. But after the big talk, he suggested that he move to the "guest room" so we both had space to heal. Since our marriage bed hasn't seen much action for almost a year now, I really didn't see how this would help in any way, but I agreed. Less than a week later, I asked him to find someplace to go, even just temporarily, because having him here but not here was just throwing the whole marriage in crisis thing in my ace every minute of the day. I am self-employed and work from home, and it is affecting my productivity dramatically.

    So now he's "planning to move out". Since the prescription, he's actually been accomplishing things, but there is still no sign of emotional attachment to me, or interest in me as a partner, so I need him to not be here. I told him asking me to still have him in the house right now is like filling the fridge of a person on a diet with chocolate ice cream. I want the man I love back, and his body is here, but the person is somewhere else. It's too hard to have him around.

    I'm so in limbo and I'm scared. I keep hoping that something will shift, and I *know* I need to be patient if I want to let the meds do their work. I'm wondering if I did the right thing, but I can't stand the constant feeling of walking on eggshells that I have with him here right now.

  • A simple prayer for "a way that works for me" by: dovwcom 13 years 3 months ago

    "God, grant me the knowledge of a way that will work for me, the humility to work it and the power to follow it through"

    A simple (or at least trying to be) ADHD-partner (using meds, working with an ADHD coach and working "a way that works for me").

    (inspired by the Serenity Prayer, 12-Step recovery's 11th Step and my own search for a way that works for me)

  • Now to get the wife to read the book! by: ADD Dad 13 years 3 months ago

    I've read the majority of the book, but it looks like the bookmark is on page 165 and step 4 communication.  ADD has kept me from finishing the book, even though I'm in a very serious situation.  My wife's last blow up got my attention enough to try something, so I Googled and found a pretty good book.  Notice how I say "pretty good" as I'm pretty much incapable of saying anything is "great."  This goes to an entire 18 year marriage and 21 year relationship.  I will admit I found the book quite humorous as it described my married life very well.  I have hope, but the wife is ANGRY and has proceeded to numb without hope.  We have 2 children and they are the reason she is coming home after work.  We made a deal 10 years ago that I was going to stay home with the kids, but that only doubled her work load as we could no longer afford a gardener or a once a week maid.  I was going to pickup the slack and the majority of you all know what happens to the ADD Dad.  Yes, I thought I was a great husband and father picking up the kids from school and making home cooked meals the majority of weeknights while devoting large amounts of computer time to Evercrack (EQ is an online fantasy world that appeals to the ADD brain with constant rewards).  She on the other hand still did the shopping, dish washing, kids appointments, kids homework, laundry, weekend cooking, and the majority of the gardening while working 40+ hours a week.  I've been told by her, I'm a "know it all" (she sees this as a negative), but I don't think I am.  I don't express myself in terms of "my opinion" according to her, but more in a "my way or the highway".  I don't see myself that way, but I now realize now my wife is right about a lot of stuff.   My son has diagnosed ADD and is on prescribed medication, but is off meds for the summer to gain some weight.  For legal reasons I did not take his medication for two weeks after the wife's blow up, but came to understand my wife's anger, frustration and numbness all these years all on my own.  My lack of support for my wife in the past is scary sad and points to her true sainthood.  Now I need to get my wife interested in reading the book, to help relieve her anger and maybe start repairing that which I'm so close to loosing.  I have an ADD effected marriage. 

  • One step forward....10 steps back by: needsalifeline 13 years 3 months ago

    I don't know what to believe anymore!!!  DH told me that the doctor took him off his meds and that he has an appointment next Monday (I am guessing there is no appointment).  Now I find out that he is telling others that he took himself off the meds and that he stopped seeing the counselor too and that he doesn't need any help, "If it ain't broke...dont fix it".  He is blaming me for everything (told them that he is done with it all and if I don't like him the way he is I can leave) and told one of our friends that if I saw him "kill an ant" I would tell him he needed therapy.  Then there are the wonderful friends that are telling him they like him better off the meds and that he doesn't need them......they don't live with him!!!!  They told him he is to "glazed over" when he takes them.  He did all this in a very public manner, so I heard all of it!!! 

    He has another friend that is soooooo not a good influence and has tried to split us up in the past.  This wonderful person (inject sarcasm) wants him to go overseas to work on a base in a freaking war zone!!  He is ready to give up college and following his dream to go over there.  This guy has him convinced it will fix all his problems cause he will be making "loads of cash", cause you know money will fix everything......

    I'm at work and this is literally making me sick to my stomach!  Everything was going so well and he was really making some positive changes and now I feel like we just fell into a time warp that took us back a year.  I know I cant "make" him go to counseling or take the meds but how do I get him to realize that they spend 10 hours a week with him and don't see the "big picture", while we spend the rest of the time with him and can see where it was really helping.  Advice? Ideas?

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