My oldest is 4 and was diagnosed with Autism at 2 and I have a 2 year old, both boys.  I have been with my husband 13 years married for 7 and spent a vast majority of them thinking I was crazy and everything was all my fault.  I've dealt with guilt, frustration, gone on medications everything but for some reason nothing changed. huh go figure.  Finally found a therapist that introduced me to ADHD and BINGO there is the Kaos.  My husband is undiagnosed and has refused to admit he  is anything but perfect - until recently.  He has and appt. today with a Psychologist and has gone to 1 other which was when he was in total denial still assuming his perfection and my faults. He is in sales and has learned quickly how to cover up or talk away his behaviors.  Basically, he was able to answer the psychologists questions without drawing attention to his ADHD.  She sent him home and said he was fine.  Well she needs to come and live in my Kaos for a day - he is not fine! It is as if I am the only one that can see his behavior, to everyone else he is nothing but and amazing man, doting husband and wonderful father.  I really wish that was true, and in some instances it is but not always.

My husband is pre-occupied always (computer and cell phone mainly), easily distracted, incapable of completing a task or doing it correctly, appears void of any and all emotion, deflects behavior by arguing and "turning the tables", knows how to push my buttons and does to avoid conversation, incapable of holding a conversation for more than 2 min., remembers nothing and lives in a world of utter clutter - hoarder. Basically the typical ADHD behaviors I have read here in the forum.

Yesterday was supposed to be a good day.  A cook-out at my Uncles with my family, my kids and my husband.  Swimming, playing, visiting, eating etc.  Good time right?  Then why was I trying to get out of going? Trying to avoid this outing? I went and for the first time realized why I HATE doing these things I used to love.  I spent the entire time watching the kids and re-directing my husband.  All the fear I thought was because of me were clearly because of him.  I spent the day keeping us organized and on schedule (extremely important for children with Spectrum disorders) I had to keep all our stuff together, watch the kids, re-directing my husband.  By re-directing I mean if I asked him to do something - get the towels from outside, watch the oldest so I could eat I had to in return watch him to make sure he could compete the task without distraction, chit-chatting whatever.  He is great with first time conversations. The fear comes when he has the kids,  he is an awesome dad, but again gets distracted easily.  When they were in the pool I was a freak.  I finally realized why.  If my husband gets distracted for 1 second he will loose focus and my kids who are in the pool no floaters and can't swim are in danger.  I watched him like an intense hawk the entire time.  All 3 of them.  My family thinks I am this crazy horrible wife because I kept scolding him. Again they don't see it.  I was exhausted and relieved when it was over.  I did not eat, visit or have fun and that is my life.  If things don't change soon I don't know what I will do. My life is total and utter Kaos and after 13 years, like many of you, I JUST CAN NOT DEAL WITH IT!!  I am at a loss, no idea how else to find a balance if he will not admit he has ADHD and even then is there hope? 

Ok so my 10 year wedding anniversary is coming up and we are about 4 years post diagnosis.  Things are going REALLY well, and this month I didn't even get my "I am doing too much of the heavy lifting at home" overwhelm at PMS time that I commonly do.  It is pretty much our only ADD-fight danger period now, but that is improving partly because I recognize now what is causing it and am making a consistent effort to focus on all the things he DOES WELL (which is a lot) and partly because he is stepping up and helping out where I need him to pretty consistently.  So we are in a good place, and we have an AWESOME trip booked.  Will be 2 weeks involving one of our favorite locations in the US followed by a week in a villa on a Caribbean Island.  I've taken care of all the arrangements, and we got a fabulous deal due to shopping around, internet sales, & family giving awesome gifts.  Very very happy and honestly it would be a sufficient gift, but we are big gift givers & love to celebrate occasions--esp relationship ones (we still celebrate the anniversary of the day we met every year :), so we both want to do more.  We take a trip every year for our anniversary and do gifts too so this isn't unusual, but 10 years is causing us both to want to make it extra special.

So to the ring...(btw, I am probably one of the least materialistic ppl you will ever meet so please understand that going in)  We had exactly one engagement ring convo before he asked me, and I told him QUITE HONESTLY that my biggest concern was for him to buy something he could afford to pay off b4 the wedding.   He picked my engagement ring out entirely on his own & did awesome.  He got me a small (which is good as I am small LOL) platnium ring with a solitare Sapphire (remembering I think diamonds as centerpieces are fairly boring and sapphires are my favorites :D ) and 2 wing diamonds.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE my ring and made sure he knew/knows it. 

Then came the wedding ring.....and here the break down occured.  It is very understandable now that we know about the ADD but it was baffling at the time. He was very involved in the wedding planning and helping me decide things, he lived 4 hours away, did most of the travelling to me since the venues and such all had to be vetted here, was the one moving & was squeezing in job interviews during his visits also, we were planning a large wedding & with a sitdown dinner for 300 in only 6 months, and with the anti-debt thing to consider we had a budget to stick to wedding wise, and we agreed all his personal debts (he didn't have many but he is also terrible with money so this was probably hard) had to be paid off before the wedding so we'd be starting with a fresh slate.  He did come with a car payment but that was it.

So when we discussed wedding rings, he was definite on us each picking out our own.  Not sure why he was so firm on this point, but it could have to do with the ring he fell in love with.  It is a very unusual ring and had to be hand made in Germany  It wasn't terribly expensive, but he just loved how different it was, from the process in making it to the final design.  I really, really wanted to get him a titanium ring with sapphires in it or because he isn't big on stones with some sapphire blue enamel in it so it would *go* with my ring, but though I showed him the designs I loved and he was ok with them, he was in love with a different ring, so that is the one I bought him.

Because my engagement ring is non classic with the sapphire centerpiece, we decided to go with a ring guard that would fit together with my ring and also have some diamonds and sapphires in it to make it more formal looking.  It was a really beautiful design, BUT he dropped the ball.  He forgot that he really needed to get a jeweler working on it at least 2 months early, and though he'd talked to some jewelers about options, he ended up just before the wedding scrambling to just get something.  He called me apologetic that the option we'd decided on couldn't happen (the ring guard would have had to be modified to go with my ring and he didn't allow enough time for that) but said he found another option that would be a band with cutouts along the side that would fit with my ring.  I never saw it but he said it would fit together like puzzle pieces and it was a very cool effect.

I said ok......I mean what else could I say and it wasn't a huge deal.  Then he called me just before the wedding apologetic because he hadn't done what needed to be done to get that ring made in time either, but that they were going to be able to do *something*.   He also said the platnium was going to be more expensive than white gold and there was really no difference, did I care which one he bought?  I mean really this is a question only a man would ask right?  But I thought about it and told him that it was important to me that my ring match and that it go together.  If that could be accomplished with white gold and it was cheaper too, I had no problem with it......and I truly didn't except the low priority issue was coming up for me for the first time and I didn't like how it made me feel.  Why were we now out of options because he couldn't finalize our decisions??

The ring kinda looks like it was thrown together at the last moment, which to be sure is what it was :(  They took a ring of white gold in the same thickness as my band and basically put a bend in it so that my engagement ring sorta fits into the bend.  It doesn't fit together at all exactly, but it is fine and I love it as the wedding ring I was given more than I love it for itself.  Mostly I have no issues with it at all, but at certain times it a little bit says low priority without the time to be done correctly.  Also the metals clearly are not the same if you look at it all.  I mean no one could tell on quick glance, but anyone with eyes looking even semi closely can see it doesn't go together. 

He felt bad especially as I bought him exactly what he'd wanted, and after the wedding he immediately offered to get me a new band, but I told him there was no point as a new band would never be the one he gave to me at my wedding, and it would always be special for that reason.

When the ADD behavior was bad and undiagnosed and I was feeling low priority, it did come up that I couldn't believe that with 6 months he couldnt make any effort to make sure the ring I'd be wearing for the rest of my life was ready.  Seriously it was more about priority than anything else.

A couple times a new ring has come up, but every time I've said I love what I have, upgrading the wedding band would be nice, but it would never be my true *wedding ring* so we should let it go.  Obviously it came up as a discussion again with regard to a 10th wedding anniversary gift, and this time I agreed.  I will continue to wear my *real* ring for day to day, but for church and dress up occasions and date night, getting the ring we originally chose would be awesome.  He seemed surprised that I agreed which surprised me because he has been the one mentioning it occasionally all these years....so then I started wondering was it a test?  Was he was only mentioning it to make sure I didn't want a new one or something!??!

I agreed because he had said this would put a period on the last real ADD caused angst.  So though we originally discussed this close to a year ago, when we started discussing trip options and saving for it, come 2 months ago he'd done nothing about it and I got for some reason REALLY REALLY ANGRY.  I yelled at him that this was a stupid exercise and instead of curing the ADD angst it actually was causing it all over again by him having the exact some priority issue.  I was always fine with my ring, he was pressuring me to get a new one, I agree and then he drops the ball AGAIN.  I begged him to just drop the issue forever.

He felt terrible of course :(  and spent the evening looking at options & then went back to doing nothing.  Turns out he was afraid of getting the hard sell from jewelers and wasn't ready to go in person to talk to them, NOT that he told me this of course.  We also have a great friend who used to be a jeweler, but he never even considered talking to him about options  (He has the most frustrating attitude of he has to do everything himself with no help from anyone even when he doesn't know what he is doing).   At the 3 month till anniversary mark (very recently) I just started talking to him about other options for my present (usually we offer little to no imput into eachother's presents so maybe I was being sorta passive aggressive about this).  He said "what about your ring?"  When I asked if he'd done anything whatsoever about looking for a ring, he had to admit that other than emailling one place online 3 times (and getting no response) he hadn't done anything.

I said I want to put a period to the ring forever.  He was upsetting me with it and I needed him to understand why.  We had a long non angry this time convo about feeling like a low priority and making the same mistake over and over, and he asked if I would give him one day (which was today) to take my ring to local jewelers and see what could be done.  I said yes, but no more drama at all about this......I am done and over it and I need it to stop being an issue plus if something nice coudn't be found for what we determined was a reasonable price then it needed to be dropped!

He went to about 6 jewelers today!  He called after each fairly excited about some of the options, but the prices were higher than expected. He has to buy a guard, and then they want to send it off with my engagement ring (which I am not comfortable with them shipping my engagement ring off since they could never replace it if it was lost) to be matched, plus insurance, it was going to cost about double what he's saved so far.

The prices really shocked me since originally it was only going to be a few hundred plus insurance probably less than $500 total, but then that was 10 years ago too........we aren't big jewelry buyers obviously but every option was close to double that by the time it was all done.  I told him I thought it was probably too much money, but now he was a man on a mission.

He called me over the moon excited from the last jeweler.  He loved the ppl there.  First thing they did was clean my ring and fix a post that was loosening on one of my diamonds for free, then showed him the options.  They have a designer setting in platnium that is on sale since it was last year's model that he is completely in love with.  Naturally it is more expensive than the white gold options he had already found, he came home with cell phone pictures and I agree it is by far the best and since their insurance policy is different than the others it won't really end up being a lot more money. PLUS their jeweler is on site and my ring doesn't have to be shipped.

Perfect right?  But he doesn't have the money.  He only has 1/2 and he really wants to buy it.  He has been so excited all day with his adventure (which part of what really helped is that everyone was really nice to him and there was no hard sell), and is in love with buying me the ring *I've always wanted*.  Now I do love this ring, but the *always wanted* I honestly think is more about him making up for previous mistakes than me longing for a new ring. I honestly do love mine.  It is not what I picked out and is not what I planned to have, but it is absolutely fine.

And after he spent the day looking for a ring for me, and did it in enough time that all 4 of the rings that he found that would work with mine could be modified to fit, I find the period is already on the previous angst for me.  It was really about feeling like a priority and that he could get himself together to do this thing more than it has ever been about getting a new piece of jewelry to me.  His attitude and his priority has been exactly right, and as much as I think a new ring would be an awesome present for my 10th wedding anniversary, I really feel like the issue is over for me.

SOOOO for anyone who has made it this far.......this has clearly not really been entirely about the *ring*  it was about the way he made me feel with his poor planning in a time when I had no idea why he would prioritize getting speciality napkins ordered because we liked them better, but he couldn't seem to find a wedding ring.

Since I feel he has made up for it already, should I still let him buy me a new ring?  It is gorgeous and I love it, but even with the sale he is about 60% short on cash.  He says he knows of extra work he can do to make up the difference and that he wants to, and I get the genuine sense that he feels so accomplished now that he is making up for what to him was a huge screw up (he's even said HOW, when I did so much else for the wedding,  could I ever screw up the wedding ring!?!?).  He loves it ,and he wants me to go look at it, but I feel the way I felt about my engagement ring, buy me what you want and I will love it because it came from you.....I'd rather it be a surprise.  Though I did see his blurry cell phone pic and it was beautiful.

Thoughts?  Concerns?  Everything think I am a materialistic princess?  Thanks for reading and for any feedback!

I think that my ADHD spouse verbally abuses me at least once a week. I know that people with ADHD have a really hard time with managing anger, and my husband has the trifecta: speech problems (hard to communicate, causes frustration), inattention (ADHD), and probably a mild form of autism (very sensitive to the environment and even the smallest stressors). On top of all this, he's lacking in the empathy department, which makes it very easy to objectify others and take out his anger and frustration on me. But I don't know how to differentiate between what's really abuse and what are his neurological issues.

It hurts so much to be called "b---h," "f----r," "s---h--d," and "a-----e." Sometimes all within the same sentence.  He will apologize half-heartedly, with a lot of coaching, then quickly turn around and do it again. Each time, I did something to cause him to lose control. I talk too much. I want to talk to him during the wrong part of the day. I'm a nag. I'm needy. I deserve it. I interrupted him. I'm "crazy." I'm a "wacko." I make things up. It never happened. I'm exaggerating.

Today, which just happens to be my birthday, he threatened to leave me if I ever used the word "verbal abuse" in his presence ever again. Of course I'm uncomfortable with that, because how can we fix the yelling and name-calling by censoring ourselves (or silencing the victim)? So he hit the road and left me here, devastated and alone on my birthday. (I live far away from friends and family and pretty much spent the day alone.)

The bad behavior started a long time ago, but he was going through so many interpersonal crises that it was hard to tell what was stress, what was ADHD/speech/neuro, and what was really verbal abuse.

But this became a little clearer to me three weeks ago, while we were on our way to work. We had an argument about his child. The kid is having a lot of serious attendance and behavior issues. When I tried to share my concerns, I think he mistook my worry for criticism, because he just exploded at me without warning. His anger was so horrible that I was in the fetal position in the passenger seat of our car, crying and begging for him to stop yelling. "Please stop, please stop, please, please . . . " He kept going, bellowing at me, "you deserve to get f-----g s--t!" followed by "go f--k yourself! go f--k yourself! go f--k yourself!" over and over. Other times, he throws his phone at me. He has (once) threatened to hurt my cat.

After an outburst, I feel obliterated. But he's sweet as pie to me. He may be cheery and want to make dinner plans, catch a movie, or go for a walk. He'll call me "honey" and offer to carry my bag or groceries for me. Does this not describe an abuser, par excellence? As soon as he gains control, he feels happy, calm and soothed? When he feels out of control, he yells, screams, and bullies?

This has been happening on a regular basis, and sometimes, I don't even know what I did wrong or why he's angry. I worry because it feels like it's getting more frequent and intense. So I gave my husband an ultimatum. Deal with this or be out of my life. He left the apartment, took some things, and went to a friend's house to think things over. Three weeks passed and I hadn't really heard from him. I finally caught up with him, and he admitted that we needed to talk. We were scheduled to talk yesterday, but he postponed until today.

Of course he would wait until MY BIRTHDAY to have this conversation. He pretty much admitted to everything that's stressing the relationship, but refused to acknowledge the name-calling, yelling, swearing and insults. I just know that I can't put up with it, anymore, and unless he's penitent and really, truly sorry for the hurt he's caused me. I'm sobbing as I write this post, because I just don't ever, ever want to be called a "b---h," again.

I feel so low and unloved. Worst. Birthday. Ever.

Just got my husband diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago.  After several dosage changes on his medicine, I thought things were so great.  I thought we could finally have a "normal" relationship, but I was wrong.  Now he will threaten me that he won't take his pills if I do this or that.  He takes his pills at odd times when he is supposed to take them the same time each day.  This causes him to stay up all night doing whatever he is hyperfocused on at the time.  We have 2 teens and 2 toddler twins and of course this is all affecting them.  On top of it all, just found out I am pregnant - not happy at all.  Everything I have read in the forums sounds just like my husband but I am at a loss of what to do with him.  He thanked me for doing the research that lead him to find out he had ADHD and get him a doctor and the right meds.  Now he says I am the one who is crazy and I am the one who needs pills.  Do I continue to fight for him and my family and get him more help, or should I give up? 

I want a "normal" quiet, drama free life but feel I will never get that.  Our main problem with his ADHD is money.  He can't handle it, can't budget, can't pay a bill.  I have been "trying" to keep up with our bills all these years but he has made it so impossible.  If I don't give him the money he wants, he throws a tantrum, threatens me, throws things etc.  He always has something going on to make "extra money" but it always ends up costing us in the end and coming out of his paycheck.  I work part time so he is the sole provider.  He has lied to me about money, stolen from me, taken my debit/credit cards without telling me, even forged my name on a check.  He has completely ruined our credit, we have never been able to save a dime and even the kids are tired of it.  Oh yeah, I have to make sure the teens hide their money and debit cards from him too. 

His rage when he feels frustrated or when he doesn't get what he wants is completely out of control.  He yells at the top of his lungs so loud it hurts our ears.  He says the most hurtful things to us all, then the next day acts like nothing ever happened or expects us to apologize.  We have been together for 18 years (I don't know how I stayed so long) and I love him, I do feel sorry for him because of the ADHD and the horrible upbringing he had.  I want to fight this and get him the help that he needs but he is so stubborn he doesn't think he has a problem and that the pills work fine. 

I know from reading these forums that I am not alone and that is a great feeling but I just seriously don't know what to do!  Please give me some advice.