I am the ADHD spouse, my husband is not, and has very little experience with others who have ADHD.  I don't tend to have as many issues with the Inattentive symptoms as I've developed a lot of coping mechanisms for these issues from when I was younger, but the Hyperactive and Impuslive symptoms I still struggle with.  Sitting still for long periods of time, thinking before I speak, and so on.  But really, I've gotten a good hang of listening over the last few years so that isn't really a problem.  It's not talking I have a problem with either, I can make conversation and keep it going, but I don't feel like I've communicated how I actually feel about anything thats related to me in a long, long time.

He works a LOT - which is to be expected from an Army Lieutenant- but I feel like we haven't really communicated at all.  I tend to get upset about things and then be incapable of explaining why I'm upset.  Once I get angry or hurt, my whole communication centers shut down - I'll think about it long and hard and talk to him about it later - but it seems like if I'm not outwardly expressing the emotions that I'm TELLING HIM I felt then it doesn't sink in.  I can't talk while I'm upset, so I have to wait till I've calmed down, and so he sees someone calm and collected explaining how hurt I was and it's like he doesn't buy it.  It's made talking about anything seem completely futile.

There have been a few things that have happened lately that give me the impression that he no longer values me -especially when compared to work.  I've tried to mention this and he simply gets offended or tells me it must be in my head.  He spent 7 hours of my birthday playing a 1 player video game, for example.  I'm also in the process with being diagnosed with Lupus (or something similar), and he has not been supportive with that at all. 

Best example I can think of though is 2 weeks ago when I needed to go to the ER at 3am for a chemical burn in both of my eyes (I work in a lab, and should be more careful) while he was at work - he refused to leave work to go with me to the ER.  He said he wouldn't be able to, was legally obligated to stay there, and so on and so forth and why don't I just call an ambulance.  The point being it wasn't about transportation to the hospital, it was that it was a distressing and turned out to be very traumatic and excruciating experience(look up Morgan Lens Irrigation), and he didn't even make an attempt to leave work.  I know he could have left, because he's had to fill in for other people who have had to leave early in that situation before.  I know he probably would have had to call a fellow Lieutenant or his Captain to come in for him, and they probably wouldn't have picked up - but he didn't even try.

These examples, and many others, have just sort of made me feel like I can't really count on him at all  - that I don't really have anyone to lean on.  I've spent years not leaning on anyone but myself, and that's fine, but it makes me wonder what the point of being married to someone is when I'm just going it all alone anyways.  I can't figure out any way to talk to him about any of this either, because if I say anything about being unhappy he takes it very personally and just gets offended and taken aback that I would ever think such a thing.  I just don't know what to do to communicate better about how I'm feeling, with him specifically.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

I'm new to the forum, but I've been coming to this site for about a year now to read advice on dealing with my ADHD husband (I do not have ADD/ADHD).  We've been together for over 12 years (since high school) and the past several years have been total rollercoaster rides.  We have always had very rocky times, but when he was finally diagnosed with ADHD 2 years ago, things got a little better because we both knew what was causing these problems.  His ADHD manifests itself in extreme forgetfulness, lack of ambition/motivation, disregard for other people's feelings (especially mine), hyperfocus, defensiveness, anger, and general scattered everything.  To top things off, he's also OCD, and suffers from bouts of depression, anxiety, and paranoia.

He categorically refuses to take medicine, which I am fine with, and he hates counseling because "they don't do anything".  But he also doesn't do anything to manage his ADHD on his own, and believe me, I have made EVERY EFFORT possible to set him up for success and gently give him suggestions for ADHD management.  Just like I've read here so many times, his intentions are always the best in the world, especially after an argument, but the follow-thru is zero and he feels he deserves credit for basically, trying to try.  The best he's done is to try something for two days, like a calendar or a diary, then give it up because he thinks he doesn't need it.  And if I suggest he keep working at it, I'm a nag.

We've been to couple's counseling a couple of times, the last time was almost 2 years ago.  Since then, we've had a couple of blowouts and came to an understanding that basically, he needs to improve his communication style (very demanding, judgmental, defensive) and "use his words" so that I can understand what he needs emotionally and mentally.  And in turn, I would express myself calmly and logically so that he can understand what I need emotionally and mentally.

It sounds great, but it just never seems to take hold and we keep fighting all the time.  I feel disrespected, taken for granted/taken advantage of, disregarded, unloved, lonely, and fully responsible for both of our lives.  Luckily, there are no children in the picture.  I feel like I'm his mother and I'm so tired of it.  I'm a graduate student taking a full-time load and he is a full-time freelancer who works from home, so we're always in each other's faces too.  I'm crazy-busy, and then he occupies so much of my free time emotionally that I'm just spent.  I'm always having to talk him down from a fit of anxiety or paranoia (he's really angry and bitter sometimes - for no reason at all), or give him a pep talk, and I double-check all of his business affairs to make sure everything looks good.  He loves what he does and he's good at it, but actually getting up each day and putting in a full-time effort is a struggle.  It's a little frustrating to know that if he worked harder, we would be better off financially, but I'm not that concerned about money right now.

I'm just so, so exhausted from all of this.  I love him and he really is a good man, but he is SO difficult to live with.  He knows that, but does very little to make our relationship worth it for me.  I see no effort on his part and our conversations go nowhere anymore.  I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall and he immediately gets very angry and defensive if I don't "forgive" him right away.  After 12 years, "I'm sorry" or "I'll try" don't cut it anymore.  I can't help but feel that I could be really happy by myself or with someone who doesn't have ADHD.  I sometimes wish we hadn't gotten married at all and that I'd broken it off one of the many times in high school when he was acting out.  I feel really guilty too because I do love him so much and want things to work.  I also feel selfish for thinking all of these negative things, but I've never been emotionally fulfilled or had a true equal partnership...and I don't think I ever will with him. 

He knows all these things...we've been over them thousands of times.  I don't mind paying all the bills, remembering everything household-wise, managing our schedules or any of that.  But I can't do all of that for him and go on feeling so emotionally unfulfilled forever.  I know divorce is the easy way out, but my life has been much harder than necessary for 12 years now.  I don't know what to do anymore, so I thought I would post here.  Sorry it's so jumbled...thank you for reading.

Hi.  My husband haas ADHD that was diagnosed at age 33.  We now have two kids, ages 4 and 2.  I have read on this site that there is a strong environmental component, but I don't really know what that means specifically.  What I'm wondering, are there things I can do in our household that would help my children at this stage?  Neither has a diagnosis and I don't have any particular concerns.  If there's anything I can do to help them, (not get ADHD?  present more mildly? cope with it if they ever are diagnosed?) I want to do it. 

I would also be interested in hearing what I should be watching for in my children.  In so many things, the earlier people are diagnosed the better, so I don't want them to go until age 33 before they find out they have ADHD.

Thanks!

It seems that my wife is always stressed.  Whether it is because she takes too much on, has trouble planning her time, procrastinates, doesn't know when things she is doing are "good enough" or a combination of all of these (which I suspect), the fact is, she is always very stressed.  I, on the other hand, am almost never stressed.  I have arranged my life so that I have minimal stress.  I know how to say no and set limits, and I am a very good judge of what I can accomplish in a given amount of time, know how to build in "cushions" for the unexpected, etc.  Balance of work, church, getting together time, quality time with my wife, and down time is very important to me, and usually I am usually able to achieve it.

My issue is - my wife's stress is causing ME stress, and I'm not sure what to do about it.  If I could just detach and let her be stressed, I would.  That is very difficult, though, because she often yells when she is frustrated.  Not at me necessarily, but she just yells.  Just this second - she is doing something on her computer in the other room and something frustrated her and she yelled "This guy is an IDIOT!"  I can't help but hear her when she does this, and it really bothers me to hear her yelling.  I have asked her not to do it, and I'm pretty sure she is doing less of it, but she just can't seem to help herself and she still yells too much from my point of view.

Or she snaps at me when I say something to her, if I ask her what she is working on, or offer to help, or whatever.  I'm usually pretty good at ignoring when she does this, but not always.  Earlier tonight, when she was working on something and was telling me about some other things she had to do, I asked "Did you send that email to so and so yet?  She snapped "No!  I didn't have any time today."  So I said - "I'd be happy to send it." She again snapped how that wouldn't work because . . . .   I said something like "I wish you wouldn't snap at me.  I was just trying to help."  She said "I know you were.  I'm sorry."  And so it feels like I have to walk on egg shells all the time.

And then while I was making dinner, I had to listen to her rant and rave in frustration.  When I asked her to please not yell, because it bothered me and I couldn't leave the room because I was making dinner, her reply was "You are asking an awful lot from me."

Or when we have somewhere to go, she stresses about needing to finish whatever she is working on before we leave.   Like tonight, we had choir practice at church and I said "I'd like to leave at 7."  It was clear she wouldn't be ready by 7, so I said "Why dont 'we take seperate cars, then?"  She said "good idea."  I left at 7 and she never made it.  When I got home she said "I didn't make it."  I said "I noticed."  She then told me how much she still has to do, kind of complaining about what she HAS to do tonight.  I just said "It's probably good you didn't come then."

So, my wife's stress is beginning to spill over to me, in that I get the brunt of her feeling stressed - having to hear her complain about all she HAS to do (translate "has taken on"), hearing her rant and rave when she gets frustrated when things don't work right on the computer, or when they take longer than she thinks they should, etc.  Having to go places without her - like both Saturday and Sunday this weekend she has to bag on plans we made with friends both nights because she has so much she has to get done by Monday.  I'll go without her, but still, I'd rather us go as a couple.  Last weekend I almost ended up going away By myself for a weekend getaway we had planned more than a month ago because she had to get the taxes done and had left them until Thursday!  (Do you know how hard it was for me not to nag her to start them weeks ago??)  She ended up taking off work to do them, and still didn't finish them - that's one of the things she will be doing tonight, since tomorrow is April 15.

I am finding it becoming more and more difficult being around her when she is so stressed and overworked.  But, I am also concentrating on not nagging, not complaining, not fixing, not controlling, etc.  And besides, there really is nothing I can say to her about her procrastinating, setting limits, planning her time better, etc., that I haven't said already.  And she doesn't seem to want ot hear my genuine offers of help.  (I have tried "would you like my help" and "would you like my advice" and "what can I do to help?"  So usually all I say now is "I'm sorry you are feeling so stressed, honey."  And I try to avoid her and go off and do my thing.  And I wonder -is this what it has come to, my avoiding my wife because I don't enjoy being around her?