I am 24 years old and have been with the one I love for almost 2 years now.  He was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, and I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder that put me in a wheelchair as a child.  When he and I met things moved fast between us since we were like 2 peas in a pod.  We befriended each other quickly and within a month were dating and living together.  The first 6 months were fantastic!! As i've read on here, he was in the hyperattention phase with me, also know as the "honeymoon phase" for relationships that dont involve ADHD.  We seemed perfect for each other - what I couldnt do physically, he did, and what he couldnt do mentally, I did.  After the first 6 months, things almost overnight when downhill.  He lost his interest with me and our life, attention-wise.  It then became me doing EVERYTHING - cooking, cleaning, keeping track of mine AND his appointments, keeping track of bills, taking care of the animals, reminding him to not forget about his friends and family, reminding him to not forget to take care of himself, reminding him that he is part of the relationship as well - I have become the scheduler, reminder and doer (because the scheduling and reminding gets me nowhere). This cause A LOT of turmoil in my brain.  I couldn't, and sometimes still cant, grasp my head around that fact that this perfectly able-bodied 27 year old man remembered, communicated, and did for himself just fine for the first 6 months, but then all of a sudden *BAM* he's not able to anymore.  It almost seems as if his ADHD is selective.  In the beginning it seemed like the usual "honeymoon phase" where the other person does all they can to reel you in, even hiding things about themselves to make them look better - and then *WAKE UP CALL* they slap you with who they actually are, not who they originally wanted you to see.  Now, it seems as if as long as the matter at hand is something he's interested in - there is no ADHD involvement... but the second that the matter at hand involves myself or our life or something thats not so happy-go-lucky - there's his ADHD, full force. 

I love this man whole-heartedly and would love to marry him and start a family.  But I'm left with so much stress, so much uncertainty, so much confusion - that I doubt if its a good idea.  How can i think about having a family with someone that cant focus enough to tell me the things that are important in a family unit - religious beliefs, methods to raising children, hopes, dreams, views/opinions - I never get ANYTHING deep from him.  As an example, he is atheist and I am pagan and I always wonder how we would celebrate holidays with our children and how we would raise them religiously, but I cant get him to focus or respond to any of it.  If it doesnt have to do with wrestling, the computer, the TV or something funny - he has no interest. 

I am at my wit's end.  I even have an 8 year old brother with autism and ADHD, and he is BY FAR easier to communicate with and deal with then my boyfriend who just has ADHD. Why is that? Why can i get through to a child, but not an adult?  And why is it that I can treat a child as an adult but I have to treat an adult as a child?  My boyfriend, unfortunetly, grew up with all of his friends and family doing and thinking everything for him because it was just easier for them to do it then to try to help him to do it himself.  Now I am left with the reprocussions from that. I'm sorry but I refuse to believe that someone with ADHD cannot get better and cannot help themselves.  If I, someone who's been told by every doctor that they will never walk, can train my body to get up and go to physical therapy and get stronger and start walking - then someone who has ADHD can train their brain to remember and think and understand.  Its just people with ADHD have always been told that they CANT, they what they have wrong with them is what it is and theres nothing but medications that can be done about it.  And all the help out there seems to be for the people who DO NOT have ADHD and what WE can do to help THEM with THEIR problem, what WE can do to make THEIR life more easier, what WE can do as far as rememebering and doing everything for them.  Where is the information for the person who ACTUALLY has ADHD? Where are the resources who the person with ADHD to HELP THEMSELVES instead of everyone else doing everything for them... thats not how a person gets better by any means - mentally or physically.  Someone please tell me - who? what? where? when? why? HOW THE HECK DO I DO THIS?!?

Has anyone else experienced their ADD spouse having occassional sudden flare-ups of temper?  My husband is doing it again.  He calls me horrible names, tells me he hates me, etc.  I can't spend the rest of my life like this.  Then he comes out of it just as suddenly as he started.  He cries, apologizes, says he doesn't know what happens to him.  When it gets really bad he makes impulsive, sweeping decisions that often throw our life completely off coarse.  The most recent example would be we have been working hard to recover financially from his debt and have been in the process of planning a long anticipated move to another state.  He is one year into the state police application process, almost all the way through.  He flipped out last night, spent a couple of hours swearing at me and calling me horrible names, then informed me that he is going active in the Army (he is National Guard and regrets ever joining the military at all).  Of coarse this would destroy our plans and all the work we've done toward those plans over the last two years.  These episodes happen 2 or 3 times a year but they are so extreme and damaging.  His phases last anywhere from a few hours to a few weeks.  On a different subject, people with ADD do use it as an excuse.  I told him that we are separating our money and now, suddenly, he is less impulsive in his spending and is paying his own bills on time.  It took him awhile but out of necessity he magically learned to be more responsible.  Definitely do not go out of your way to help a grown man or woman with ADD if it is a detriment to you.  That's enabling.  Pull the rug out from under them and let them stand on their own two feet.  It will be better for you and your marriage and you'll be amazed at what they suddenly are able to handle on their own....that is, if you can last through the temper tantrum that will inevitably ensue.   

I definitely criticize and nag my ADD wife way too often.  It is something I have been working on, but I am not always successful.  In fact, I am NOT successful way too often.

Here's what I have been doing:

When my wife does something (or doesn't do something) that annoys me, and I recognize that it annoys me, I tell myself not to take it personally, because she didn't MEAN to annoy me.  And I KNOW that is true.  Sometimes that works, and sometimes I still feel annoyed.

So then I try to talk myself out of feeling annoyed.  I might say to myself  "It's really nothing.  There's no reason to be annoyed about that."  Sometimes that works, and sometimes I still feel annoyed.

So then I might say "Just do it yourself, and move on."  Sometimes that works, and sometimes it doesn't.

So then I say to myself, "OK, so, you're annoyed.  It's not important enough to say anything about.  Just forget it."  Sometimes that works, and sometimes it doesn't.

So - sometimes I CAN manage not to feel annoyed, and sometimes I CAN overlook it even if I do.

But sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I still end up being annoyed.  I know that's MY problem.  I know it is not RIGHT for me to be annoyed so often.  And I know I need to continue to work on that.

I definitely DO plan to continue to try to not be annoyed so often.  Maybe our work with the 5 Languages of Love book will help us here. (If my wife communicates her love in MY love language more often, maybe I won't feel annoyed so much.  Just as if I communicate my love to her in HER love language more often, she probably won't feel criticized so much.)   I know if we follow Ned Hallowell's advice to spend more time together without distraction it will help.  That's also why I have been using this ADHD and Marriage blog, not because I think SHE or her ADHD are the problem, but because I think it will help ME not be so annoyed by some of the things she does that ARE related to her ADHD.) 

In the meantime, while I work on not being annoyed so often, I'm wondering if anyone might be able to offer some helpful suggestions of things I can do when I DO feel annoyed, despite my best efforts not to. 

At this point, it seems that when I feel annoyed, I only have two choices.  I can either swallow my feelings, or I can say something.

If I swallow my feelings, they fester, and that's not good.

If I say something, even when I try to say it gently and with love, it seems to come across as nagging or critical, THAT's not good either.

But maybe there's another option I'm just not seeing.  Maybe you can suggest something else I can do or say that helps me not feel annoyed without making my wife feel bad.  

The situation (somewhat simplified version) is as follows.

I have heard my wife (ADD) say that she needs me (non-ADD) to say affirming things more often and criticize her less often.  I think I am criticizing her less and saying affirming things more.  I hear her saying that it is not enough, that she needs me to say affirming things even more often and criticize even less often.  

I have told my wife that I would like her to do more "little acts of kindness" without me having to ask.   I think she has heard me and I know she sometimes does them.  But I still feel like she doesn't do them enough.  I need her to do them even more often.

I have also said it really bothers me when she snaps at me or yells at me in response to a statement I make or a question I ask.  I think she has heard me and is trying to not to do it as often, but it is not enough.  I need her to do it even less.

And it feels to me like we are in a vicious cycle.  It's difficult for me to say loving things to her when I don't feel her doing loving things for me or when she snaps and yells at me, and it's difficult for her to not to snap and yell at me or do loving things for me when I am criticizing her and not saying loving things to her.

We both seem to KNOW what the other wants/needs, but we are having difficulty doing enough of what the other needs and letting go of (or focusing less on) what WE want/need. 

Also, I often feel like I am doing all the work, and my guess is that she feels that SHE is doing all the work.  Which of course, just makes matters worse.

We have just gotten the book "The Five Love Languages" (probably not the correct title) because we KNOW we have different expectations/needs when it comes to expressions of love.  And that we both tend to express love more in the way WE need to experience it than in the way the other needs to experience it.  But I'm not sure how much it will help because the problem we are having is more in doing what the other needs/wants, not in knowing what theother needs/wants.

We both acknowledge that things are not good between us right now.  We both want them to be better.  We both believe they can be better.  And we are both willing to work on this.

The problem as I see it at this point is that we are both feeling very emotionally "beat up" right now and don't quite know how to "step out" of this vicious cycle we are in and "start fresh."