Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Divorcing My ADD Husband--What am I in for? by: BreadBaker 15 years 3 weeks ago

    The divorce looks inevitable to me now. He was diagnosed a number of months ago, after he had what looked like a nervous breakdown and left. He's on meds (as far as I know), but is with a non-ADD therapist (again, as far as I know) who, according to one other professional source I've consulted about this, knows almost nothing of the condition or how it should be treated. So, my husband is largely untreated and thinks all of the problems with the marriage were due to me, or, in his "kinder" moments, some vague sense of incompatibility.

    OK, so I'm entering into a divorce with a husband who has severe inattentive ADD, is largely untreated, is in almost complete denial over his condition (he thinks it's responsible for just a few "endearing personality quirks" - !), is *amazing* at hyperfocusing when he really wants something, and is living in an alternate reality. He doesn't remember things either of us have said and done--or, worse, makes them up.

    The saddest part is, deep down below all of this rotten shell, he is truly a wonderful person. He's rather like a Jekyll and Hyde. On the rare and fleeting moments that he "gets it" that he's done an enormous amount of damage to me and the marriage (or, as we know now, his ADD has done this), it breaks my heart to see him. You've never seen such sorrow and heartbreak, and all I can think of is "there's hope in this yet!"

    But it doesn't last, and something in his brain just shoves all of that away, goes back to blaming me, and refuses to deal with his problems. It's been many months since I've seen or heard him act truly sympathetically. He has, in a way, "brainwashed" himself into believing that he's "fine," and that I was the problem. I should mention that he also has very little real empathy. It comes out in drips and drabs, but mostly he thinks that when people tell him that they're hurt, or upset, or sad, that they're lying and trying to manipulate him.

    Has anyone here gone through a divorce with someone like my husband? I'm concerned that this is going to get very ugly--or at least very strange because of the way reality warps around him. Does anyone have any advice to offer?

    I just want to get this over with and move on with my life. My heart has been broken enough, and I can't bear anymore from him. I wish I could forget everything that's happened in the past several years, but I know that the scars are going to be with me for a long time. I need to cut my losses and try to salvage some happiness and fulfillment in this life of mine.

  • I Don't Know What to Do About my Marriage... by: landwmommy 15 years 3 weeks ago

    Hi.  I apologize in advance that this is going to long...

     

    I married my husband a little over a year ago and he has diagnosed ADD but he is currently is not on treatment.  I've read some of the other posts and I am having the same issues a lot of you are having.   I am the breadwinner for the family.  My husband works full-time but he only makes minimum wage.  I pay the mortgage, I pay for the cars, the cell phones, the heat, groceries ect.  My husband's income pays for our kids part-time daycare (him mother helps us out) and some of the other bills.  But basically everything we "own" is in my name, his credit is horrible plus he would never remember to pay the bills.  So besides working full-time, I also do all of the chores:  laundry, grocery shopping, paying the bills, cleaning the house, making dinner.  My husband will help out if I ask him but he won't always finish the task.  For example if I ask him to empty the dishwasher he would take the dishes out, put some of them away but leave others on the counter.  He is just plain careless about a lot of things!  He leaves the oven on frequently, he also leaves the keys in the door of the house and the car.  He also loses hims keys almost daily or his cellphone.  His carelessness also effects a lot of my own property, the stuff that I pay for.  For example our new van has a dent in the back because he was distracted while backing out of his mother's drive-way and backed into a tree.  He also left the window open during a rain storm and the interior of the car is soaking wet.  When I have confronted him about these things he gets defensive and storms off.  He says that I talk mean to him, I nag and am just plain nasty.  Of course I'm nasty!  I'm upset that he has no respect for me or anything that I pay for...  I mean if I didn't pay for the car then how would he get to work?  If I didn't pay the mortgage where would he live?  I just don't know how to deal with his ADD anymore.  I feel really taken advantage of and disrespected.  I feel like he doesn't consider how his actions or inactions effect me or our family.  I also have a lot of concerns about the future.  He never finished school and has a hard time finding a good job.  He has no savings for retirement or for anything.  I don't know what would happen if I was to lose my job.  What is going to happen when he retires?  I can't save enough money for both of us and pay for both of kids to go to school.  I feel like he doesn't think about or care about these things.  As others have said on this forum I feel like I am carrying around this big load, the well-being and financial security of my family all by myself.  I feel like my husband isn't my partner but another dependent and I don't know how much longer I can handle this....

    I said when I get married, I am there through thick and thin, sickness and in health... but when do I draw the line?  Everytime I bring up my concerns and feelings they alway get blown-off and I get blamed for being mean and having high expectations.  But my expectations are equal to what any normal person would expect.  He says if I was nicer to him he would do more for me... but he does't understand that the reason I am mean is because he does nothing.

    What do I do?  Do I walk away from my marriage?  If he gets treated will he get better?  He had meds and never follow-up to get the prescription renewed...

    I should also add that my husband cheated on my several times before we got married.  He denied it when I confronted him about it and it took hours of arguing for him to come clean.  I don't even believe I know all of the truth.  So I have those trust issues as well...

    I feel completely alone!

    Help please!

  • Natural Supplement Treatment Remedies - Suggestions Please! by: heartstar15 15 years 3 weeks ago

    Hi there,

    I stumbled across this site by chance and have been really impressed by the community and support offered.  Good stuff.  That said, I'm a first time forum poster.  Here goes.

    My husband was diagnosed with ADD about a year ago.  It wasn't a surprise and in fact, in retrospect we were shocked he went so long before a formal diagnosis.  It's a long story, but he went on medication (Adderall and then Vyvanse) and it seemed to help provide mental clarity and motivation for a bit, but eventually had some adverse side effects that were destructive to him and our marriage.  He's since gone off the medication.  We're now exploring some more natural remedies.  I've done some research online and found several resources that site Ginkgo Biloba, Omega-3 (fish oil), L-Tyrosine, Skullcap, Pine Bark extract and Vitamin D as helpful natural remedies.  Yes, I know these likely won't provide as "fast a fix" as rx medication offers, but it's important we at least try a more natural route.  I'm convinced he has some deficiencies that when treated could help relieve his ADD a bit.  He's also getting blood work done soon to see if anything pops up there. 

    Any suggestions you have for natural supplements that have worked would be very helpful.  Even if you only saw slight improvement.  That's better than nothing!

    Additionally, we've also read that a diet rich in protein and low in carbs and sugar helps provide more energy and increase brain function.  It's worth a shot, eh?  So if you've had luck with a diet plan, I'm all ears too.

    Thanks in advance!

     

  • Getting Married by: Elisabeth 15 years 3 weeks ago

    My gorgeous boyfriend and I are getting married this weekend!!  So excited. Yes he has ADD and I am a worrywart but between the two of us, we complement each other in all the right ways.  Sure, we still have days when the world gets on top of us but generally these issues are not ADD related - they are just part and parcel of a long term, committed and loving relationship. Generally I do not post on here anymore, hell I even barely check the site.  I have had too many people on this forum try and bring me down simply because I am happy and my partner is happy - and we are living with ADD.  Some people on these forums simply refuse to believe that is possible.  I understand where their resentment is coming from but why not be supportive of everyone on here, rather than be intent on dragging them down?

    If you are new to being with someone that has ADD just remember that not every story is a bad story.  Remember for all those personal stories posted on here that are full of hurt, anger and despair as a result of ADD, there are many more stories out there that involve working, functioning and healthy relationships dealing with ADD.  My boyfriend says he would never trade his ADD for anything.  And neither would I.  It makes him him and has given me a better appreciation of how to treat people who may interact with our world a little differently to what is considered the "norm".  Best of luck to everybody.  

  • ADD husband tells me I am just like my mother by: Rosem1111 15 years 3 weeks ago

    When he is feeling angry about something I am saying to him, my ADD husband has said for as long as I have known him that "You are just like your mother!" He says this in a very angry and despising way. After that he tells me to "Shut up!". He does not like my countering him, however I do it.

    It gets to me how he brings my mother into it as she has many qualities I don't like and find abnormal and intrusive. Ironically my husband is very like her. But it upsets me to be told I am like her.

    Does anyone else experience this sort of thing, including have your partner try to shame you?    

  • Really struggling with my partner's hyperactivity by: dontlookdown 15 years 3 weeks ago

    Hi,

    My partner is currently going through the process of being diagnosed with ADHD. He has all the classic symptoms and after reading Driven to Distraction we have both felt a huge sense of relief - we understand our day to day lives a bit more now.

    However, my main problem is when my partner gets hyperactive and can't calm himself down. He'll push, pull and grab me (in a silly manner, it's not violent) and he won't stop no matter how calmly or assertively I tell him that it's hurting me or putting me in danger. The only thing that stops him is if I slap him on the arm or similar. He then, understandably, gets very upset that I've hit him.

    I really don't want to hit him but yesterday he was being really silly and backing me into the screen of our glass shower cubicle and the only thing I could do to stop him from pushing me through it was to hit him.

    Is there any other way I can deal with the situation?

    I hope you guys can offer some advice.

    Thank you.

  • Can ADHD cause someone to not know they said something? by: dawnme99 15 years 3 weeks ago

    My husband today mumbled, "Of course" as he was leaving the room in response to something my daughter said. I told him it was extremely rude and mean to respond that way. He was adamant that he didn't say anything at all. I was dumbfounded. I know what I heard.

    He's done this in the past, also mixing up words - saying "left" when he meant "right" and actually saying he HEARD "right" come out of his mouth. If I hadn't had witnesses in some instances, I'd think I was going crazy?

    Has anyone else experienced this? I am very concerned he has some serious condition.

     

    - Dawn M

     

  • What is Going On? I find this almost too much & frightening. by: Rosem1111 15 years 3 weeks ago

    Although I have had many, many miserable years with my ADHD husband ever since I married him, some things have been changing and I am thinking the situation may be getting out of control, especially on his side. This is really getting to me emotionally.

    Some things have been becoming better for some time, but then there is a rollercoaster switch and he becomes more demanding, judgmental, shaming, explosive, abusive & excluding than ever though these have always been characteristics of his. The extent of his destructive behaviour is really upsetting & frightening me now. I have been feeling I almost can't cope &, in desperation, started going out to a couple of spiritual & growth type places in search of how better to deal with things. They have been like a lifeline to me, pulling me "back"; letting peace in. But my husband keeps behaving badly & it seems to be snowballing how bad he is at once with wave after wave of lies, accusations, threats & outright verbal abuse. He has always been passive aggressive but that is much worse & he is now sleeping in another room & shuts the door.

    For some time, my husband has been less negative and abusive at times & has been letting me do the household shopping with him (he is the main breadwinner & controld the money) & has been more willing to spend money on me. He does tend to complain and look condemning at my choices, but I was happy I was playing a part & I tried to ignore that or to treat it lightly, glossing it over. I don't choose badly, but he has always wanted to do things his way & therefore my choices are bad. However he always used to say he never gave me housekeeping money because "You are a poor money manager", which is not true. He tends to attack my qualities in order to get his way, such as saying I am "incompetent" or "You are just like your mother" (my mother has problems) and calling me by her name.

    He has never seemed to understand what a relationship is and entails and he is basically a loner. It appears that he married me for sex though he thanked me after the birth of each of our children (why?!). Ever since we married, despite several lots of counselling & my many attempts to explain (which I do much less now - no point), he seems fixed on thinking I should give him sex when he asks, and that is usually when it is inconvenient or too late at night. He also persists in asking for (I really should say demanding) sex out of the blue, in what seems to me to be an inappropriate/dysfunctional context, such as after he behaves in a way he thinks will please me or after we have been doing separate things for hours. This may sound strange but it seems he has learned not one thing about how to have a good relationship in all our many years together. Just the other day he said of himself "I don't have much to change about me". He seems to see eveything he doesn't like as my fault and how he views me makes me feel despised & reviled & like a felon who has committed some dreadful crime.

    Lately, now that he was behaving more sharingly and pleasantly at times, it seems that his expectations of getting sex went up accordingly. He would blatantly ask for sex right after doing a "nice" thing for me such as coming to the chemist with me & buying me some vitamins & hair colour (he controls the bank account & there is no housekeeping money for me to use). I did not comply & did explain that I was not happy about being asked like this as it seemed he was buying sex. His reaction is to get angry & say "You never want sex". My belief is that I can seldom get him to understand anythingand that he thinks he should get what he wants and is entitled to get angry when he doesn't get it, sex or whatever.  

    The episodes of his behaving very angrily and revengefully are increasing and it really upsets me how he talks to me at such times. He seems so childish, dishonest, conniving, twisting, and irrational and filled with enormous hate against me. And he comes at me with a tsunami of it, wave after wave. I have to end up just keeping quiet & preferably leaving his near vicinity for a while. And, for the record, yes, I do doubt myself & my perceptions a lot. But, looking at all this objectively, I think I am seeing matters reasonably accurately though he would not agree. If he was to read this, his reaction would be to getvery angry indeed and to very much put me down. Maybe I should add I can't discuss anything with him for the same reason. It isn't even safe to hold a different opinion on something without his thinking I am putting him down for believing what I do.

    What do you think about this please? And, please, I am not asking you to solve my problem. I just want help to understand what is going on.

  • recent comments minute by minute by: newfdogswife 15 years 4 weeks ago

    Hey, Newfdogswife here.  What has happened to the recent comments posts that appear minute by minute?  It was there this morning but now I have gotten back on and it has disappeared! 

  • I by: lily1 15 years 4 weeks ago

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