Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Here we go Again...What do I have to do better to get off this ADHD Roller Coaster with my Spouse by: ajr 15 years 9 months ago

    Im finding these Blogs terrifically insighful and Melissa, I perceive you to make a lot of sense, so heres my details...Any insight you can provide is greatly appreciated.

    Have been married for 20 years & my spouse told me he is going back on his ADD meds....Why he ever went off, I do not know, but he obviously think he was getting better....NOT.... He was in therapy  while on meds the  last time....getting individual help, but he never discusses his indiviual issues with me, so I have no way of knowing what was effective or not.... I assumed he liked the Dr several years ago...so much to my surprize when he mentioned to me last week he didnt like the original Dr., didnt click with him, office was too messy etc.....Talk about a delayed response as to what you feel....This is typical....

    My husband is very reactive, and makes decisions based on if it " feels good". I feel he is not able to identify what worked or did not work during the time period on meds. he is reactionary..Not impulsive  but reactionary to feedback, criticism or being challenged. We look at things very differently. Has one therapist tell us...You two arent on the same page....You arent even in the same library .....

    Lovely man, father to our 3 kids, and has a heart of gold to help anyone, does chores is mostly responsible  has the same job for the last 12 years, but has battled focus issues all his life...Also has depression and anxiety running in his family.   He got diagnosed with ADD 7-9 years ago,  took various meds Concerta, Strattera etc.... He has little abliity to plan, prioritize or move forward on anything substancial....He cooks, cleans, shares home chores, is on time to appointments, but get him to plan a vacation or anything or  make plans to go after a new job,,it doesnt happen....He cant identify sequential steps and gets lost in the details. Nothing materializes....He talks alot about what he plans to do, but Ive gotten my hopes up so many times to no avail.. He talks about starting a business, but he hasnt demonstrated the skills toward doing this to take him seriously... I honestly feel sorry for him, and our relationship hangs on a thread constantly....Ive been hurt too many times....

    Im organized, process focused, multi task,get it done type of woman( Yes opposite attracts yes?), so his behavior is frustrating and intolerable to me... I see him talking in circles over and over and never really getting to the root of the problem to hold himself personally accountable on  any particular issue. To grow and develop he needs to take action..He has problems making decisions, and when he does... he tend to react, getting poor results. He is also not good at "reading" a situation or my emotions...Has known me for 23 years, but reacts to my emotions...Doesnt know me enough to be able to "read" me well. Its sad.

    When asked over several months, Ive even sat with him and diagramed out the pattern of behavior he is stuck in....in an effort to help him as he requested.....also given suggestions on developing to do lists, for follow up.. The problem, is he never brings it up again. He doesnt ask for help, or to discuss progress, it just dies....

    This is absolutely frustrating to me, and Ive definitely detached because each time he gets frustrated and commits to doing better, and it doesnt happen. There are other issues at play here.

    His personal workspaces are cluttered with papers and infomation he cannot process through. His car, dresser, workbench in the garage. Maybe once in a while he cleans it all  up, but its more in response to an argument we've had. Ive learned he doesnt respond when I ask him nicely....He jumps when there is an argument between us.   (He grew up in a conflict avoidance environment,so when I get angry, his conditioning response is to take action and get things done)..The problem is when the tension lessens, he goes right back to a complacency pattern until the next marriage eruption. He doesnt want to be made to feel bad, but he doesnt make himself accountable for followup.....

    Our communication is not terrific as I feel he talks in circles without action,and Ive tried to detach and position personal accountability for his own issues...I waffle from total detachment to trying to reach out to him to provide support but admittedly pull back when I dont see results and follow through....Anger doesnt work, support doesnt work....Im going in circles and not happy.

    Rather than just going back on Meds and doing the same thing over and over, I asked him what is going to be different this time, so he increases his chances of success?   If I ask him challenging questions, he is HIGHLY DEFENSIVE and doesnt like to be put on the spot...Has issues with weak self esteem..If I give him plenty of time to get back with a response, he rarely does....He makes attempts to develop lists, but 2 days later he doesnt follow them.  I dont feel he has a lot of personal introspection to look inside himself to be truly honest...about what is going on..Maybe he truly doesnt know....but the what does therapy do if a person  doesnt learn from it.

    My ideal situation would be to have him speak up and to ask for help when he is struggling, because at least I      know he is trying to figure things out... He doesnt do this...

    Ive  made the suggestion to join  a  local ADHD group for him to talk to other ADDers and to get personal recommendations on Dr's, therapy, coaching etc...I'll know by the end of the month if he take the suggestion and follows through....

    Is it unrealistic to expect him to understand what worked and did not from 4 past attempts at therapy so he isnt going back in this viscious circle again and again....Otherwize he has wasted a lot of time and money getting help in therapy, and still doesnt have a good understanding of the key issues...

    Melissa, Can you please help me get off this ride as Im dizzy, unhappy and frustrated to be going down this rabbit hole again without success..

    Thank you & Many Blessings,

    AJR

     

     

     

  • Mending a Marriage when both husband & wife have ADD by: Sophia 15 years 9 months ago

    My husband and I have both been diagnosed with ADD in the last few years.  I feel like he does not do his share of household chores.  He doesn't get home until 7:30 or 8:00 at night.  I think he chooses not to come home earlier, because he knows I will have something to complain about.  He will do the evening dishes and feel like he has done his part.  I feel like I am constantly asking him to do certain jobs, but yet he will not do them. Of course having ADD myself, I have my own difficulty organizing papers around the house, which he complains about.  I love my husband and he says he loves me, but I feel like this marriage is very one-sided.  My husband is very kind hearted and he bends over backwards to please his employees and friends, yet I do not get that same attention.  I am feeling very frustrated.  We have been to marriage counseling, but there have not been any positive changes in our marriage.  My husband will say he sees my side of it, but he will not make any effort to take on more responsibility.  We have been married for 25 years, but I don't know how much longer I can be in this relationship the way it is.  I am exhausted and stressed out.  Is there any hope for us?

  • I am new, any articles about handling blame and passive aggressive behavior by: missyinmn 15 years 9 months ago

    Hi I am new here, finally I have a site where I can read about the same struggles I experience.  

    My partner is smart and puts all his energies into his job and playing on his ipod and computer.  We have two children, one has Asperger's syndrome and is lots and lots of work.  My partner is undiagnosed because any problems are my fault and because he limits what he does ie. very little housework, he plays with the kids but does nothing that takes care of a responsibility etc. If I ask or remind him of a responsibility, he gets angry.  I have written out lists of responsibilities which he does for about a week or less and then the item is neglected again.  What I can't take is that he leaves everything for me to do in order to protect himself and what others think of him and has absolutely no problem letting others think that its me that is unorganized, late etc.  He is a master at implying that its me that is the problem.  When we had two days where there was no arguing because he actually helped, then it was in his words because I wasn't picking fights.  If he cooperates, there isn't any tension, things go smoothly.  I did back off like some of the advise here says but my partner is happy as can be to leave EVERYTHING (including yard work) for me to do. Sometimes he decides to help but not often.  He takes care of his clothes and his job. period.  Then I get exhausted, we loose friends because it only takes a couple of interactions with our family to see the chaos.  My husband has no problem blaming me for the problems ie. lateness disorganization having to buy things (camera, tools) because he looses everything.  Our finances are constantly in shambles because he does things with them with no communication with me.  Just in the last couple of days he applied our tax refund to the lowest interest credit card despite what common sense has to say, when I asked about it, he says Oh ya, I forgot.  He does not communicate. He just acts. I have begun separating my life from his in the past year because I am sick of being blamed.  I think that I am his excuse, if he can get people to think its me and that I make family dinner and shop, do housework etc etc, then he preserves his own respect and integrity with others, while living in a house where the work gets done.  I don't know that I am loved or respected.  I am about to go on a weeks vacation with some girlfriends and our kids.  I need to be able to go to single moms groups because that is where I fit the best. I am going to be seeing a therapist that we both saw a while ago and the therapist totally gets that he blames me.  My partner denies that the therapist thought anything was wrong with him.  Is there any way of addressing this blaming and not taking responsibility, or do I just need to divorce him so others can see how dysfunctional he is?  He has convinced his family that it is me that is the problem, no one really knows him. He never acknowledges any problems.  He has told me that if I file for divorce that he will try to make it out like its my problem.  The only saving grace would be asking the court to do testing on him.  A psychologist sent his family some assessments and they wrote, "I don't remember" on them.  The psychologist said, there is no way to tell if he has ADD, so now he says, "I was tested and its negative"  I would be terribly sad if he allows this to get to the point of divorce.  Any suggestions?  Missy

  • HELP by: LTLT2424 15 years 9 months ago

    I am new to this site and so far I love it, I am right now married almost 10years to a husband that has ADHD even though he was never diagnosed with it as a child and I think that is why we have the problems we do, and an 8 year old daughter who was diagnosed with ADHD.

    I don't even know where to start, I am currenlty going on Monday to see a divorce attorney because I can not take it any more, My husband is the moodiest man alive and I think he just likes the fact the he can say that he is married and has a house and daughter I do not actually believe he like it at all, he comes and goes all the time and rarely spends time with me or his daughter, he is very very negative about everything not I positive thing comes out of his mouth. 

    We will start financially, this is a joke and I could cry just writing this but he has wiped out our check book more than once and has stolen my charge cards and put me in around 30, 000.00 in debt.  You can not leave any money around the house because he will steal it. Let's just say I walk around with my purse everywhere in the house.

    We will next step to sexually, He has cheated on me and I let it slide he constantly wants to have sex and if not he will please him self I think he is addicted to it because it is more than once a day, I can not have sex with someone who is a liar and stealer and cheat.

    His anger is awful he will scream and fight with me over everything in front of our 8 year old and she wil tell me MOMMY LETS JUST LEAVE AND GET OUT OF HERE.

    He ruins Holidays because I don't think he wants to be around me and my family meanwhile he craves so much attention from me

    THere is so much I don't even know how much longer I should go on but I am at my wits end and need to hear others opinion

     

  • ADD and career as a woman by: Sunray4life 15 years 9 months ago

    I have been diagnosed with ADD for 8 years. I just finished watching the Dr. Phil Show and Dr. Hallowell mentioned how ADD can be actually beneficial for career. My problem is, I do not seem to be able to stick to long to one work. I learned in a bank for 2 years, then quit there to go and do university studies. In the six years I studied I was also getting my diagnose - I changed three times the subjects I studied and finished with a master in political science and a minor in history. After that, I got selfemployed with a little mailorder, which went to bancrupcy, unfortunately. Currently, I am working as a wellness massage therapist. Now we will leave next year from Germany to the States and I am thinking about yet studying for a new career with an online programme, to have something that is actually of help in the States to find a job.

    Are there any ressources out there that can help me chose a subject that is actually ADD-friendly? What careers do other women work in that got the ADD diagnose? I love to work with people and got great empathic and social skills. Maybe somebody can point me a direction how to find out what I would actually like to do the future years; maybe a book or a website or some other ressource that could help me evaluate what I am good in? If something is not diverse and captures me I drop it very fast. Thank you for any help, Sonja

  • Lesser of two evils? by: jrober36 15 years 9 months ago

    I am a 42 year old male diagnosed with severe depression about twenty years ago.  I have tried most of the traditional anti-depressant medications and am now on Effexor.  After watching the show on thursday july 9th, I'm now wondering if add is not a more accurate diagnosis than depression.  I have almost all the symptoms as described by the doctor and my marriage is in a terrible strain because of this.  Could this be the lesser of two evils if it were add instead of severe depression? 

    The Effexor has helped in some small ways, but I am far from having a normal life and qualitiy of life.  Furthermore, as I stated earlier, I am making my wife miserable.  Does anyone have any thoughts, comments, ideas or stories similiar to mine.  I would appreciate any feedback given...thanks so much for reading.

  • College Student that doesn't know that she is ADD by: brejask 15 years 9 months ago

    I have a daughter that is in college and doesn't know that she is ADD. My husband was diagnosed two years ago and finally faced the fact 4 months ago after I told him I was going to leave if he didn't do something. Now that we know was is wrong I can see it in our daughter and can relate to the problems we had raising her in her teen years. We have very little communication she doesn't have time for us or for friends because she doesn't have time. She has many of the same traits as her father. I can remember her sitting in her room and telling her to clean it up I could go back later 10 minutes or an hour and nothing would be done. I asked her why and she would say I don't know where to start. My husband is the same way in the garage he doesn't know where to start. I would like to know how we get her help without causing more problems or at least making her aware that she does have some of the same symptoms. She will be devastated by this information .

  • Pregnant with ADD by: kdschml 15 years 9 months ago

    I am glad I happened to see Dr. Phil's show tonight, as I love this web site.  I have read so much already on women dealing with husbands who have ADD but not much on woman who are the ones with ADD.  My husband and I have been struggling with the same issues since our marriage began, most of which have to deal with my ADD symptoms/actions and the way my husband deals with them.  I took the innitiative to try everything to change myself and after finding it impossible, seeked professional help.  I was very depressed and losing sleep due to extreme anxiety, but after seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with ADD.  Medication made a night and day difference.  Although the problems did not go away 100%, they truely made our marriage so much happier.  My problem right now is that I am pregnant and having to learn to deal with my ADD without medication.  I feel like I am having to start all over again with nowhere to go.  It makes it very difficult that I know that I have a true medical problem and that there is medication that helps - BUT I CAN'T TAKE IT WHILE PREGNANT!  My husband seems to have absolutely no undertstanding about how difficult this is for me - physically and mentally.  He is back to the constant nagging and put downs and doesn't understand why I can't just "get it done".  Do you have any insight on things that I can do to deal with my ADD for the next nine months (actually seven to go).  I am having such a hard to convincing myself that I can do this for seven more months.  Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

  • Am I sane? by: hopeless 15 years 9 months ago

    I am the wife of an ADHD spouse.  He was diagnosed about 3 years ago and started taking Adderall at that time.  About 4 months ago I told him I wanted a separation after 10 years of being together, 7 married and 3 before that.  The thing is, he is taking medication and now he wants to get counseling, yet I wanted to get marriage counseling 3 years ago.  He turned me down and got angry because nothing was wrong with him.  We have a small child, 4 years old.  I guess I'm just to the point that I don't want to try anymore.  The only reason I think I would stay with him is because I know that he truly loves me and our son.  Yet, if he has been ADHD the entire time we have been together, did I ever really fall in love with him?  From day one since we have been together, he has had trouble holding down a position, I was always the one taking care of the bills, the checking account and having the steady income.  Also, he has always played upon my desire to make people happy to get things, by pouting or getting angry.  He exaggerates his stories to make himself look important but usually people pick up on the fact that he is 'bs' ing them.  I think I just stayed with him because of his promises that things would get better.  I know I was naive and passive, but that is my personality. 

    He says that he has changed, yet he picked a terrible time to start job searching in this economy. Plus, he hasn't done anything for a resume or applications that I've seen.  The other thing is, that I've been seeing someone else for about 2 months now.  I never, never, never, ever thought in a million years that I would be the type of person to 'cheat' or have an affair, yet, here I am.  I don't like myself for doing this, yet I feel that 10 years is enough time for him to 'change' and become the husband and father that he can be.  If he has, I'm glad for him and that will make him a better father and a future husband for someone else.  I'm just at the point that I feel, if I can have an affair, it is already to late.  I think that he suspects something, yet, I've never come right out and said that I'm seeing someone.  I just don't want to hurt him that way.  Plus, I feel that he would just say that the only reason I'm want a divorce is because of this other person.  I asked for this before I started seeing him, not that that makes it ok, I know it is wrong.  Yet, I've been telling him for years that I wasn't happy.  He really wants to try again, yet what about the other hundreds of 'second chances' I gave him?  Why should I put more time into this just to make him happy?  But again, why wouldn't I want to try if I really loved him?  I truly don't think I want to be dealing with his ADHD for the rest of our marriage.  I look at it as a disease, like being a drug addict or alcoholic, this is always a chance for relapse.  If he has to retrain his mind to think differently, couldn't it revert back?  Why should I be the one who has to remind him, redirect him and be the 'bitch'?  He has mentioned that life without me and our son is not an option, so then I feel that he is trying to guilt me into staying with him...more head games.  I really just don't know if I'm crazy or sane!!  I'm so resentful towards him, I'm just hopeless, and I don't believe his promises any more.  I know people will rip on me for cheating on him but I'll ask anyway, any words of advice?   

  • I'm all confused. by: circumspect4 15 years 9 months ago

    I was diagnosed with ADD and I am medicated. I handle the house, the bills, the kids, etc. I always did before being medicated now I am just more efficient at it. By watching Dr. Phil and reading these posts, I am all confused. Are we really that hard to live with? Am I in denial? Or is it because my husband has bipolar and he acts like the ADD spouse! I'm confused.

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