Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Male sex issues with ADHD by: MrJones 15 years 10 months ago

    I'll keep this as clean as possible.  When it comes to having sex with AD/HD, am I the only one that has troubles finishing?  When I was younger, it was cool to last and last and last, but as I have gotten older...and now that I am married, I wish I could hurry up!

    I find myself getting distracted.  It wasn't until recently that I put two and two together and realized that the AD/HD, not some god given sexual gift, was most likely the reason for this "problem".

    Any hints, help, ideas?  Can you relate?  Anyone?

  • amazing book by: brendab 15 years 10 months ago

    I don't know where to begin to talk about a book I read the last two days.  it is called "Refuse to Choose" by Barbara Sher.  She's been helping people for years to find their passions in life and to act on them.  She goes into great detail about people she terms
    "scanners" and her descriptions are just like the ones I have read about ADD.  What is unique about this book is that she spends each chapter describing a different style of thinking.  She sees the obstacles each particular style of thinking has, then she begins to suggest solutions like a coach.  It has given me a renewed sense of hope and encouragement.

     

  • Expectations of non-adhd spouse due to lack of planning from adhd spouse by: speechie 15 years 10 months ago

    My husband of 15 years was diagnosed with ADHD two years ago.  We have been to counseling for about a year, but continue to have the same issues.  The latest issue is his expectations of me.  Last night, he approached me at 11:30 at night,when I was already in bed and asked me if he could use my car at 8:00 am the next day for a meeting that he had.  His car was being repaired and he forgot to call the mechanic to see if it would be ready in the morning.  Suddenly he wanted it to be my problem.  I told him that he could not use my car because I had to take our kids to soccer at 9:00 (which he already knew about).  He talked to a friend of ours and said she could take the kids and I to and from soccer while he had my car.  I still said no because this is an ongoing issue.  I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but his lack of planning is NOT my emergency.  I have to put responsibility onto him.  Later, I found out that he road his bike 62 miles (round trip) to get to his meeting.  I still did not feel bad.  Instead, I felt like finally he is learning to take responsibility.  I will NOT enable him, nor do I feel like I should be involved if it's not an emergency.  Of course I want to help him, but I've dealt with this situation way too often, where he doesn't plan ahead and suddenly, it's my problem.  Well not any more!!!!! This goes for paying taxes too.  For years he has not paid his taxes and does not have deductions taken out of his UNEMPLOYMENT checks.  I have been the one paying all the bills and paying his unpaid taxes because we are married and it would result in a lein against our mortgage (which is in my name).  This year, I told him that he needed to contribute to what he owes and if he seeks unemployment, he needs to have taxes taken out.  I said I cannot live like this anymore, nor will I live like this anymore!!!!  I am serious.  I don't know if I am getting older and bolder or just sick of all the responsibility.  I know I can stand on my own and not afraid to.  I will not enable anymore!!!  Feeling fed up and sick of it all!  He had the guts to say to me that I only help out when it's convenient for me.  NOOOO!! I am more than happy to help if it's an emergency, but again, his lack of planning is NOT my emergency.

  • Passive aggressive by: Mia 15 years 10 months ago

    When my newly-diagnosed ADD husband and I were at our marriage counselor this week, I was a little surprised at how matter-of-factly she spoke to him about his passive aggressive behavior.

    I never thought about it before. And I felt really stupid. He is. And over almost 24 years, I was pulled into the role of, first, the person who didn't want to "rock the boat," and then eventually the person who expressed the anger and bitterness. I was trying to be a good wife. I let him change who I was. Who I am.

    This could be a unique situation to us, but is passive aggression related to ADD? I looked around and couldn't find anything firm, but I found one blog post from a mom who said her children were passive aggressive as adults, she believed, because as ADD kids, they were always stifled in expressing their anger, were always bailed out of situations, and relied too much on her, which turned to resentment. She actually was mourning that their relationships now were bad because of how she handled things.

    When I read the forum posts here, at first I felt validated that I wasn't the only one in the world doing this. Now they just break my heart. Why would so many spouses want to hurt the people who are--or should be--the most important people in the world to them? ADD doesn't mean they can't think. If you treat people badly, you get "bad" back in return. Why would they do it?

    I just realized I'm being very vague in what I'm talking about. Specific things that I've experienced over the years are not having my ideas taken seriously, not getting what I ask for--or maybe getting it 10 years later, never having him take responsibility for his actions (I didn't understand, I didn't see it, I didn't realize), dealing with silence and sullenness instead of getting to talk something out--and paying dearly even if it turned out to be a misunderstanding, getting blamed because I "took it wrong," having things I cared about be sabotaged so I'd give them up. I could look directly into his eyes with my eyes filled with tears and ask "please" or "please don't." It didnt' matter.

    Could it be that growing up with ADD leads to passive aggression that grown-ups don't even realize they use as a coping mechanism or a way to manipulate their worlds?

    He actually asked me if I could find a link between the two. Is there one?

  • The hardest thing about being married to an ADHDer by: julesy80 15 years 10 months ago

    I have been married to my husband, John who has ADHD and possibly also Asperger's Syndrome for 3 years and we have a 2 year-old daughter together.  Though there are so many struggles being married to someone with ADHD, but I think that the hardest part of all is that most other people don't understand and can't relate.  It's hard when family members and friends turn their backs on you because they think you are just married to a loser, loafer, etc.  It adds so much hurt to someone who is already struggling when the people they love and try to find comfort in give them the cold shoulder.  At least that has been the biggest problem for me I think.  My husband has had numerous jobs since we've been together (working on getting #12 right now).  Others don't understand why he has problems keeping jobs so they just assume he is a loser who won't support his family and that I am a dependent wife who just doesn't want to leave when I should.  They don't get the fact that he tries so very hard to do right and to be like "other people", but it is an uphill battle for him.  Does it cause me hurt and frustration and anger?  Of course!  But I also remind myself that he is doing the best he can and he has to find a job that fits him with all of his unique qualities.  He is a good man with a heart of gold, but he has made some mistakes and used poor judgment at times.  My sister and her husband pretty much cut themselves off from us because they view my husband as an immature idiot who won't hold a job and they are mad at me for staying with him.  That hurts me so much because I have always been close with my sister, but this has put a strain on our relationship.  My parents have struggled with it too, but I think they are finally starting to see that ADHD is a REAL diagnosis.  My dad has come from the school of thought that people are overdiagnosed and overmedicated for things like this, but I can tell he is starting to soften up a bit.  Recently when he found out my husband lost his last job, he said "well we will just pray that he finds a good fit next time".  That almost brought tears to my eyes when in the past I would always hear "well maybe you need to think about leaving him", etc.  It's hard when everyone around you is saying you are stupid to stay with someone you love.  I just wonder if other people have the same problem of wanting to be able to talk about things with a friend of family member, but there is no one around who understands because they don't live with an ADHDer the way I do.

  • HELP!! ADHD hubby and autistic son!! by: sthrnbell1177 15 years 10 months ago

    Hello there, I'm new to the site... but not a stranger to ADD/ADHD.  I've been just coming to a point of pure exhaustion on top of becoming an mean mommy and nagging wife.  I read many of the forums and blogs and thought i would throw my nickles and dimes in....

    I presently am married to an ADHD man, and have a 7yo son with autism from my previous relationship.  Talk about a never-ending pile that is always somewhere, whether it be dishes,clothes,etc...No one helps around the house with the chores.  It falls on me or it would just not get done.  And lately, I can just feel the constant resentment building up that I feel for my hub....If i just let things sit there, I feel myself going mad, but doing the work anyway. 

    When we first got together, the bliss was there, a sex life, but he was also a driver for a trucking company that required him to be gone for 2 weeks at a time.  So in other words, I had no idea of what was to come when we decided that he should get a local job.  I wished I never had agreed. Things were so much more tolerable before. I had adapted to dealing with the autism of my son, but nothing prepared me for the miserable road ahead.

    My son already had required A LOT of energy to care for, and then having to constantly pick up after a grown man!!!!  He has already been diagnosed as a child and as an adult with adhd, but is currently taking NO medication.  And then when he gave up smoking....WOW. My head has been spinning ever since. And too, I've had to face my own skeletons(sexually abused as a child and then the rejection i got from my immediate family when i told them about it-25 years later). And my husband was supportive, but not like i need him to be.  I'll tell him things, only to be forgotten later or interrupted by a story about himself!!!

    I've been so emotionally drained.  And i just stay completely angry and distant now from my husband.  Is it too much to ask for a shoulder and him listen to me rather him turning the matter into or about himself????? And then there is no sexual drive or desire.  I will find a reason to not go somewhere or do something, because trying to even get out the door takes 30 min (the losing of the keys,wallet,phone,hat or whatever.  And of course if i do give in and go out, I don't really enjoy myself because of all the work it takes to do so.

    Among the regular issues of my hub not helping around the house, inability to manage money, narrow-mindedness, repeating myself, reminding, listening to the same stories or comments made previously about something, the passive aggressive behavior, child-like behavior(slurps, smacks,fidgets, blurts and interupptions) and self-centered(ness), I feel like my 7 yo behaves better than he does!!

    Someone please help me....what exactly is this loving-detachment I read about and how do i go about doing so?? It seems to make sense....sorry if i don't.

    Thanks to all.

     

     

     

     

  • When It Is Probably Time to Say Enough is Enough by: brooks30 15 years 10 months ago

    Warning: A negative post about ADHD and my hate for it, not my fiance

    I officially think I can no longer live with my fiance's ADHD. Even a few weeks ago my best fried, who loves my fiance, made the observation that I never seem happy and that I should consider whether or not I can live with his ADHD.Yesterday I got my answer....

    The fight started off because of something "little", like they always do. I asked Sam to write something on our shopping list while I was getting ready to get out of the door (as many of you can probably relate, I, who is non-ADHD, can forget things just as quickly as him most times since I am so busy remembering what needs to happen in our lives...making sure our respoinsibilites are taken care of...remembering everything we need to get out the door). Anyhow, 5 minutes later when we are getting ready to walk out the door, I didn't see his handwriting on the list. I asked him, "what did I ask you to write on the list?"...I seriously couldn't remember. After thinking about it for a minute I remembered and I flew off the handle. I am just angry with him for so many things. I get severe headaches and fear for my mental health simply because if I don't remember, it, whatever it is, doesn't happen. And remembering everything that has anything to do with both of our lives is exhausting. And I will never let go of this. I tuely believe that my remembering everything makes our home stay afloat. Remembering everything is a lot to ask someone, but I absolutely refuse to let ADHD ruin the possibilities of my life and our possible life together. I worked to damn hard for what I have.

    After half the day went by, I was still angry with him for everything that his ADHD, not him, has done to me. I know who my fiance is outside ADHD and he is not what ADHD is. Then while in Target, when we were arguing yet again, I remembered...it was the 1 year anniversary of our engagement. Not only did he forget but I forgot as well. I forgot. What does that mean? Is it simply that I am so busy remembering everthing that I just simply forgot, or does it mean that I could have cared less? I remembered it was coming about a week ago but then I forgot after that. Then after not talking to him for hours, I started getting so mad at him for not remembering (i.e. setting a reminder in his Palm or phone). He always tells me that he don't know if he will ever repay me for everything I have done for us...last night I let him know that doing something, anything for our anniversary would have been a good start....that I am so busy remembering everything that he could have repaid me by remembering our anniversary...could have gotten me a card...or taken me to the spot we got engaged...anything.

    When both parties, who don't have children and PTA meetings or pets, forget their anniversary is the relationship over? How could it not be (not a question, a statement). We are supposed to leave for vacation on Saturday. I need to start canceling things today for refunds but don't know what to do. Sam loves me more than I ever thought someone would love me. I have had a rough history with human beings and he made me feel again. I just don't know what to do. And letting go of the remembering is not going to happen...no matter what. Trust me, I have let go of a lot. But when it comes to responsibilities, well I think too many people have forgotten what responsibility means.

     

  • ADHD wife, communication issues by: dfw_sparta 15 years 10 months ago

    I am a newbie. My wife was diagnosed with ADHD recently and we have been married for less than a year. One of the things that troubles/concerns/frustrates me is that (among other things) she often makes inappropriate comments which many a times sounds awkward and rude. Her comments makes me wonder whether she thinks about what she says. When I ask her about her comments, she says that it is all logical and ok to her and she gives a long winded explanation as to why she is right. Even that sometimes doesn't always makes sense. When I confront her with the inconsistencies, she immediately goes on the extreme defensive and says that I am not being supportive of her views and that I am always supporting the other side.

    The problem is that she has been doing this with all of my family members (especially the close ones) and I am concerned that there will be a point when things will get strained.

    I want to help her and ensure that my marriage works out well. I would appreciate all suggestions in this regard.

     

     

     

  • I surrender by: mennen 15 years 10 months ago

    I have read and learned alot from the post here so here my shot at getting help I hope.  I have been married for 7 years and was diagnosis with ADD 3 years ago, but I am 38 years old and grew up with people calling me lazy and dumb.  So it was a greatt relief to have some reason that caused some of my problems.  But even though I have been doing better since the med's and others in my life see it also, the damage i did to my wife and family may have been to much, because my wife thinks she wants a divorce. I cant blame her since I have been on the med's I see the destrution my behavior and am ashmaed. But I have been doing my best to change my bad habits and to be more involved. The problem is that my wife has been hurt so bad from my actions before the med's that she doesnt think she loves me anymore. I am so lost because i see my faults and i try to correct them and do good for awhile then i may not do so good but I always catch myself and try to correct it. Please how can i make her understand that i dont do these thing on purpouse and that I am trying to become a better husband and father.                                           

     

     

                                                                                                                                                  Thank you

  • I want out - long post and vent by: Francesca Thomas 15 years 10 months ago

    Hi there,

    My name is Cesca and I am brand new today.

    My husband and I are both 45 years of age, marrried for almost 8 years  with one son aged 7.

    My husband has undiagnosed ADD/ADHD.

    The reason I know this is because his actions (or lack of actions)  match exactly so many other posts on this forum.

    Our son has just been diagnosed with ADHD. Does my husband care?  Of course not. He is denies that there is anything wrong with our son. He says that I am silly to push for answers when all boys act like our son and he acted just like that at age 7.

    What he actually said was  "He's exactly like me when I was his age and I turned out OK."

    UM NO he is NOT OK

    I should have run when I discovered that he had been living with his brother for 15 years and at age 35 was not married. I too was not married at age 35.

    I was raised by an abusive mother who beat me when my dad wasnt around. My dad was at work all day. I grew up knowing that I did not want  kids and not knowing why. It wasnt until I was in my late 20's that I realise that I didnt want kids because I could not trust myself to now treat them the way my mother treated me. And guess what. Thats exactly what I am doing. I am treating my son almost the same way my mother treated me. While she was physically and verbally abusve to me, I am so far only verbally abusive to my son, but I cant  help it. His actions and his REFUSAL to listen to me drives me NUTS.


    My husband  and I met online. He was in one country and I was in another. He proposed within 2 months of our first meeting online. We spent hours on the telephone talking. After an argument one day I said I didnt want to continue. He rushed back an email that had DEPRESSION written all over it, and a few minutes later another email with the proposal. I said I wasnt sure and that I needed some time to make up my mind. Two months later, after another argument online, he apologised to me and I said that yes I would marry him. Because we both want this to work out and we do apologise.

    He found the money and the courage to fly a few thousands miles to my country where we got married. My parents paid for my flight back to his country

    He wasnt working at the time, he used to work but the stress of a high pressure job (he was a chef) was getting to him and he had to quit. He was applying for disability. he had a few problems - bipolar mostly. He said he would only be on the disability for a short time until he could get back into the work force. That has never happened. 8 years later, he is still on disability payments. This means that whenever I work, I MUST report my income to he disability dept and he loses some money off his next check based on what I got the previous month. I am so tired of having to REPORT my income to them. It is a gross invasion of privacy.

    Fortunately I have a separate bank account. I have a few store cards and I made the mistake of making him joint with me on one account. He runs it up to or above the credit limit regularly and I have to make the payments to get it back down. Fortunately he is NOT on my credit card account. 

    I only agreed to have a child (he was desperate for a kid - while I was not) because he promised to help me 50% with the kids.  I should have run. Yes he did help in the beginning, but I havent had any help at all for the last 2-3 years. I am now totally parenting 2 kids.

    Husband was diagnosed with Diabetes 3 years ago. He takes insulin. Also within the first year of our marriage he fell down the stairs and broke his ankle. It has never healed properly and he has has constant pain from arthritis. He takes a LOT of meds EVERY SINGLE DAY - plus his asthma puffers and the insulin. He is tired of being tired all the time. so am I

    About the time he was diagnosed with diabetes, he stopped doing anything unless he feels like doing it. He is the dreamer, he has all sorts of plans to get out of financial dificulties. I am the realist. He had debts from before we were married. he declered bankruptcy 1 year after we were married. He has dreams of making it big, he always buys lottery tickets. Now he just spends ALL his time in bed, or on the computer. The ONLY household chore he does is the shopping. And this is because he uses a medical scooter to get around on.

    I do all the chores - dishes, laundry, putting out the rubbish, paying bills, looking after our son (getting him up in the morning, getting him off to school, and picking him up from daycare after work). I also work as well. On the weekends I NEED to have some ME time, but I NEVER GET IT. I have to look after our son (pay attention to him) the entire weekend. He so totally drains me. And I cannot depend on his dad to take over - because dad stays in BED. 

     Our 7 year old son is now demanding money all the time. He thinks food appears out of nowhere, and that any and all money I have in my wallet on my bank acount or on my card MUST be for him. He gets bored very easily and throws aways his toys within a day or two of getting them and then asks for more.

    I am so tired of telling our SON NO I dont have any money - well thats not true. I do have money but it has to be spent on other things (like food and clothes and paying the bills) and NOT on him. He thinks we should only spend our money on him

    I think I may have some ADD (inattentive possibly) and I know I have sensory issues. My son has sensory isues and ADHD. He gets the sensory issued from me and the ADHD from his dad. I do procrastinate - put things off the the last minute. If I am interested in something I can be very good at it,. But if I dont like something, I am totaly useless or do enough just get by.  I let the mess in the house ride until it finally gets to me and I have to clean it up. I know if I tell husband to clean it up, it will not get done.

    I have had enough. I want out.

    I never signed up to be parent, financial consultant, bread winner, nurse, cook, bottlewasher and fulltime babysitter with NO HELP.

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