When my newly-diagnosed ADD husband and I were at our marriage counselor this week, I was a little surprised at how matter-of-factly she spoke to him about his passive aggressive behavior.

I never thought about it before. And I felt really stupid. He is. And over almost 24 years, I was pulled into the role of, first, the person who didn't want to "rock the boat," and then eventually the person who expressed the anger and bitterness. I was trying to be a good wife. I let him change who I was. Who I am.

This could be a unique situation to us, but is passive aggression related to ADD? I looked around and couldn't find anything firm, but I found one blog post from a mom who said her children were passive aggressive as adults, she believed, because as ADD kids, they were always stifled in expressing their anger, were always bailed out of situations, and relied too much on her, which turned to resentment. She actually was mourning that their relationships now were bad because of how she handled things.

When I read the forum posts here, at first I felt validated that I wasn't the only one in the world doing this. Now they just break my heart. Why would so many spouses want to hurt the people who are--or should be--the most important people in the world to them? ADD doesn't mean they can't think. If you treat people badly, you get "bad" back in return. Why would they do it?

I just realized I'm being very vague in what I'm talking about. Specific things that I've experienced over the years are not having my ideas taken seriously, not getting what I ask for--or maybe getting it 10 years later, never having him take responsibility for his actions (I didn't understand, I didn't see it, I didn't realize), dealing with silence and sullenness instead of getting to talk something out--and paying dearly even if it turned out to be a misunderstanding, getting blamed because I "took it wrong," having things I cared about be sabotaged so I'd give them up. I could look directly into his eyes with my eyes filled with tears and ask "please" or "please don't." It didnt' matter.

Could it be that growing up with ADD leads to passive aggression that grown-ups don't even realize they use as a coping mechanism or a way to manipulate their worlds?

He actually asked me if I could find a link between the two. Is there one?

Hello there, I'm new to the site... but not a stranger to ADD/ADHD.  I've been just coming to a point of pure exhaustion on top of becoming an mean mommy and nagging wife.  I read many of the forums and blogs and thought i would throw my nickles and dimes in....

I presently am married to an ADHD man, and have a 7yo son with autism from my previous relationship.  Talk about a never-ending pile that is always somewhere, whether it be dishes,clothes,etc...No one helps around the house with the chores.  It falls on me or it would just not get done.  And lately, I can just feel the constant resentment building up that I feel for my hub....If i just let things sit there, I feel myself going mad, but doing the work anyway. 

When we first got together, the bliss was there, a sex life, but he was also a driver for a trucking company that required him to be gone for 2 weeks at a time.  So in other words, I had no idea of what was to come when we decided that he should get a local job.  I wished I never had agreed. Things were so much more tolerable before. I had adapted to dealing with the autism of my son, but nothing prepared me for the miserable road ahead.

My son already had required A LOT of energy to care for, and then having to constantly pick up after a grown man!!!!  He has already been diagnosed as a child and as an adult with adhd, but is currently taking NO medication.  And then when he gave up smoking....WOW. My head has been spinning ever since. And too, I've had to face my own skeletons(sexually abused as a child and then the rejection i got from my immediate family when i told them about it-25 years later). And my husband was supportive, but not like i need him to be.  I'll tell him things, only to be forgotten later or interrupted by a story about himself!!!

I've been so emotionally drained.  And i just stay completely angry and distant now from my husband.  Is it too much to ask for a shoulder and him listen to me rather him turning the matter into or about himself????? And then there is no sexual drive or desire.  I will find a reason to not go somewhere or do something, because trying to even get out the door takes 30 min (the losing of the keys,wallet,phone,hat or whatever.  And of course if i do give in and go out, I don't really enjoy myself because of all the work it takes to do so.

Among the regular issues of my hub not helping around the house, inability to manage money, narrow-mindedness, repeating myself, reminding, listening to the same stories or comments made previously about something, the passive aggressive behavior, child-like behavior(slurps, smacks,fidgets, blurts and interupptions) and self-centered(ness), I feel like my 7 yo behaves better than he does!!

Someone please help me....what exactly is this loving-detachment I read about and how do i go about doing so?? It seems to make sense....sorry if i don't.

Thanks to all.

I am a newbie. My wife was diagnosed with ADHD recently and we have been married for less than a year. One of the things that troubles/concerns/frustrates me is that (among other things) she often makes inappropriate comments which many a times sounds awkward and rude. Her comments makes me wonder whether she thinks about what she says. When I ask her about her comments, she says that it is all logical and ok to her and she gives a long winded explanation as to why she is right. Even that sometimes doesn't always makes sense. When I confront her with the inconsistencies, she immediately goes on the extreme defensive and says that I am not being supportive of her views and that I am always supporting the other side.

The problem is that she has been doing this with all of my family members (especially the close ones) and I am concerned that there will be a point when things will get strained.

I want to help her and ensure that my marriage works out well. I would appreciate all suggestions in this regard.

Hi there,

My name is Cesca and I am brand new today.

My husband and I are both 45 years of age, marrried for almost 8 years  with one son aged 7.

My husband has undiagnosed ADD/ADHD.

The reason I know this is because his actions (or lack of actions)  match exactly so many other posts on this forum.

Our son has just been diagnosed with ADHD. Does my husband care?  Of course not. He is denies that there is anything wrong with our son. He says that I am silly to push for answers when all boys act like our son and he acted just like that at age 7.

What he actually said was  "He's exactly like me when I was his age and I turned out OK."

UM NO he is NOT OK

I should have run when I discovered that he had been living with his brother for 15 years and at age 35 was not married. I too was not married at age 35.

I was raised by an abusive mother who beat me when my dad wasnt around. My dad was at work all day. I grew up knowing that I did not want  kids and not knowing why. It wasnt until I was in my late 20's that I realise that I didnt want kids because I could not trust myself to now treat them the way my mother treated me. And guess what. Thats exactly what I am doing. I am treating my son almost the same way my mother treated me. While she was physically and verbally abusve to me, I am so far only verbally abusive to my son, but I cant  help it. His actions and his REFUSAL to listen to me drives me NUTS.

My husband  and I met online. He was in one country and I was in another. He proposed within 2 months of our first meeting online. We spent hours on the telephone talking. After an argument one day I said I didnt want to continue. He rushed back an email that had DEPRESSION written all over it, and a few minutes later another email with the proposal. I said I wasnt sure and that I needed some time to make up my mind. Two months later, after another argument online, he apologised to me and I said that yes I would marry him. Because we both want this to work out and we do apologise.

He found the money and the courage to fly a few thousands miles to my country where we got married. My parents paid for my flight back to his country

He wasnt working at the time, he used to work but the stress of a high pressure job (he was a chef) was getting to him and he had to quit. He was applying for disability. he had a few problems - bipolar mostly. He said he would only be on the disability for a short time until he could get back into the work force. That has never happened. 8 years later, he is still on disability payments. This means that whenever I work, I MUST report my income to he disability dept and he loses some money off his next check based on what I got the previous month. I am so tired of having to REPORT my income to them. It is a gross invasion of privacy.

Fortunately I have a separate bank account. I have a few store cards and I made the mistake of making him joint with me on one account. He runs it up to or above the credit limit regularly and I have to make the payments to get it back down. Fortunately he is NOT on my credit card account. 

I only agreed to have a child (he was desperate for a kid - while I was not) because he promised to help me 50% with the kids.  I should have run. Yes he did help in the beginning, but I havent had any help at all for the last 2-3 years. I am now totally parenting 2 kids.

Husband was diagnosed with Diabetes 3 years ago. He takes insulin. Also within the first year of our marriage he fell down the stairs and broke his ankle. It has never healed properly and he has has constant pain from arthritis. He takes a LOT of meds EVERY SINGLE DAY - plus his asthma puffers and the insulin. He is tired of being tired all the time. so am I

About the time he was diagnosed with diabetes, he stopped doing anything unless he feels like doing it. He is the dreamer, he has all sorts of plans to get out of financial dificulties. I am the realist. He had debts from before we were married. he declered bankruptcy 1 year after we were married. He has dreams of making it big, he always buys lottery tickets. Now he just spends ALL his time in bed, or on the computer. The ONLY household chore he does is the shopping. And this is because he uses a medical scooter to get around on.

I do all the chores - dishes, laundry, putting out the rubbish, paying bills, looking after our son (getting him up in the morning, getting him off to school, and picking him up from daycare after work). I also work as well. On the weekends I NEED to have some ME time, but I NEVER GET IT. I have to look after our son (pay attention to him) the entire weekend. He so totally drains me. And I cannot depend on his dad to take over - because dad stays in BED. 

 Our 7 year old son is now demanding money all the time. He thinks food appears out of nowhere, and that any and all money I have in my wallet on my bank acount or on my card MUST be for him. He gets bored very easily and throws aways his toys within a day or two of getting them and then asks for more.

I am so tired of telling our SON NO I dont have any money - well thats not true. I do have money but it has to be spent on other things (like food and clothes and paying the bills) and NOT on him. He thinks we should only spend our money on him

I think I may have some ADD (inattentive possibly) and I know I have sensory issues. My son has sensory isues and ADHD. He gets the sensory issued from me and the ADHD from his dad. I do procrastinate - put things off the the last minute. If I am interested in something I can be very good at it,. But if I dont like something, I am totaly useless or do enough just get by.  I let the mess in the house ride until it finally gets to me and I have to clean it up. I know if I tell husband to clean it up, it will not get done.

I have had enough. I want out.

I never signed up to be parent, financial consultant, bread winner, nurse, cook, bottlewasher and fulltime babysitter with NO HELP.