Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Leisure time! by: springerswimmer 15 years 4 months ago

    Why is it so tough to figure out what to do with leisure time or, more-to-the-point, "non-work" time?  Certainly I am challenged at work (Organization, decision-making, and short-term memory are daily struggles) but the real issue for me (and my wife of 36 years) is what happens (or more accurately, what does not happen) during my week-ends and other days off, never mind vacations.   

    I have worked steadily for over 35 years as a licensed clinical social worker in the not-for-profit mental health field.  Ironically, my title is Performance Improvement Administrator!  Somehow I need to improve my own performance at home.  On most weekends or days off I will, if left to my own devices, sit around and listen to classical music / jazz; watch TV, search on e-bay for another something that I don't need to add to my collections (cameras, CDs, DVDs, watches, binoculars), and if I don't know what else to do . . . EAT!  I will actually have an internal monologue as I head for the kitchen, "well I don't what else to do so . . . ." 

    I recognize that part of me is uptight about going out into a new and unfamiliar situation or environment.  I like routine and knowing what a place &/or experience will be before I get there.  Unlike some others here, I am not a thrill seeker.

    I truly often cannot decide what to do during leisure time.  I have trouble figuring out what I want to do. What I should do is easier, and even that I will avoid.  If my wife suggests or plans something involving me, I will frequently get annoyed that she did.  But that is a temptation for her, otherwise I will not likely initiate a plan (never mind think of one).

    I do take medication for depression and anxiety.  I tried Adderall for a few days but that raised my bp so I stopped at my doctor's recommendation.  

    Rather than go on and on . . .  Please give me some thoughts about my leisure time dilemma!  

    Thanks!

    Springerswimmer in NJ

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Extreme Frustration with relationship by: Skiptheshark 15 years 4 months ago

    I'm new here.  I am a husband with highly suspected but undiagnosed ADD.  For 15 years I have been torturing my wife.  I want to stop.  It is so hard to write this because I have no clue what I am doing.  I am a trial lawyer.  I have been extremely successful, but untile recently I did not know what caused me to miss many deadlines and cause problems with my clients>  It takes all my energy all day to complete the tasks that I have to at work.  I zone in and out and jump from one exciting task to another.  I have written boards that help me through the day. 

     

    I am married to a wonderful woman.  A woman who in my mind can do no wrong.  She is loving caring and sweet.  I find her very attractive.  However, I torture her unkowingly and unwittingly.  She is extremely sexual and finds sex very satisfying to her.  However, her sexual desires are limited to sex "without the production".  Early in our marriage the stress of law school and practicing law would have me hyperfocused on those issues.  Therefore, I lacked focus on the sexual side of our relationship.  WIth her being very sexual, this has caused a great rift in our marriage.  Whenever, I get hyperfocused on issues outside of our relationship I seem to forget about sex.  When I would forget about her, she would yell criticize and tell me that I do not want her.  For a long time this would make me withdraw.  This is the farthest thing from the truth.  I want her and find her extremely sexy.  I just get pent up with the worries and problems.  She constantly reminds me that she has hated the last 15 years.  She has told me that she wants to leave due to this problem.  She is constantly angry with me regarding every issue about sex.  In addition I forget to call the babysitter for date night, I try to plan big things for her birthday and our anniversary but I never seem to come through.

     

    Another issue is that I get extremely distracted during sex.  This may come from the days worries, outside stimuli, my wifes reactions during sex, or just something that pops back into my head.  Many times sex sessions go on for hours before I can orgasm.  When I was young I thought this was good.  Now I just tire either myself or my wife out.  Many times these distractions do not allow me to orgasm.  Many times my wife cannot get me focused enough to orgasm unless toys, games, bdsm or other "production" is used.  These things greatly satisfy me but clearly repulse her.  When I don't orgasm, it clearly upsets her.  Frankly, I do not blame her.  I can understand her feelings of rejection and the fact that I do not want her.  The opposite is true.  She is satifying me and just because I do not orgasm doesn't mean I do not want her.  I work really hard to please her and have sex the way she wants.  It pleases me to make her happy.  However, it does not leave me feeling totally satisfied.  I do not want her to engage in the "production" as it clearly upsets her.  She says sex should be easy and naturual.  However, it is not for me.  Instead it is a time of fighting off every distraction in the world so that I can please her.  I really love her more than anything and I hate to see her go through this.

     

    Until three weeks ago, I had no understanding of what caused this problem.  I saw a sex therapist who suggested I had ADD.  I read the book driven to distraction and trying to get a diagnosis.  However, given my lack of organization, and how many of the criteria I fit in the book and this blog I am pretty sure that I have Adult ADD.  My next appointment is with the therapist is still a week away.  She is very busy. 

     

    Three months ago my wife prayed that God would allow her to have an affair.  A few days later she met an old high school friend that she expressed interest in.  SHe wrote in an email to a friend that she wished to have an affair with this man.  She was going to try to stir things up with him.  I found the email accidentally when she was out of town with the three kids.  She said that she was going to do that now, because the sex was hot.  But eventually I would lose interest and that would be the time.  I confronted her about this and she stated she would not have an affair.  But as usual the sex has gotton less than hot, and she feels like I do not want her anymore.  Last night I found an email to the man, asking him to drive to Carlsbad, play tennis go out and have a good time.  I feel her frustration with me sexually.  I feel her need to have sex come easily.  I feel her need to be loved without distraction.  I hate the fact that I cannot enjoy sex without distraction or production.  I hate that I feel like less of a man because I am not done in 10, 15 or 30 minutes.  I am so depressed that I cannot do what my wife wants.  I try and try and try, but I fail over and over again.  I hate disappointing my wife.  I am afraid about any drugs causing a lack of sex drive.  I work out to keep my testosterone high so it will be easier for me.  I take vitamins to increase sex drive.  However, these are quickly counteracted that overcomes me due to the anger and frustration that I cause my wife.

     

    I love this woman so much.  I would do anything for her that is in my power.  It just doesn't feel like this is in my power.  I want her to be happy.  I don't want a divorce.  I don't want my wife to leave.  However, I really really want her to be happy.  My only alternatives seem to be either suicide or divorce.  This would allow her to be with a man who finds sex easy and does not lose focus.  Either option seems bad for our three kids.  However, my wife would be much happier with another man who can fulfill her needs without production.  I love her so much I want her to be happy.  She is clearly not happy with me. I really don't know how this can be fixed.  I don't know where to go from here and I am open to suggustions.

  • The ADHD won by: mennen 15 years 4 months ago

    Well I guess that anyone who have read my prior post know that my marriage was in danger due to my 36 years of not knowing I had ADHD, Well it won, my wife is leaving me, and to make matters worse she had a affair. I know that we must move on and to keep on our med's so we can still improve our self but I feel like my whole life is gone. Im not only losing a wife but im loseing a family, we have to children togeather and I wont be able to tuck them in evry night or kiss there them when there hurt, Im not sure I can survive this and its only getting worse.

  • New worn out & confused by: jenny 15 years 5 months ago

    Hi

    Although iam not married to my boyfriend ( who is 44yrs old ) i searched the web and discovered this web site and could relate to a lot off the posts so hope i can post here ?

    I have had 3 yrs with him and its a rollercoaster ride which i seriously need to get off for my own health , i can be up there in the happy place for say 2 wks then he will pull the rug from beneath me with his tantrums & childish behaviour throwing his teddy in the corner if things dont go all his way or the way he wants !

    There are countless examples but i will try to describe how he behaves and hope for some input on his behaviour

    Talks none stop (fast) cannot listen to people when having a conversation he butts in an example off this was when he met a friend off mine recently and the three off us were sitting together i knew he was on hyper mode but i just sat back and watched , she was trying to speak and he started speaking over her she told him she wasnt finished so he said 'go on then ' and as soon as she resumed what she was saying he got up and walked away ! this happened 3 times within a space off 15 min this behaviour is what i normally see in social situations with him he is very overwhelming and comes across like he is only interested in what HE has to say & listning to him talk constantly also wears me out and i just want to crawl away to a quite place

    i have been ill recently and i think its because iam worn out with his behaviour so decided on thursday i didnt want to see him as i just could not cope ( he moves about in bed all night too punching up his pillows going to the toilet tossing and turning , twitching etc ) so because i said ( in a nice way ) i will just stay at home alone because i dont feel great ( could not cope with his hyperness when feeling ill but did not want to say that to him for fear off hurting his feelings as he is sensative ) he went off in to hyper space sending me vile txts swearing and calling me all sorts this is typical off him , he has marched out of my house many times when told something that he does not want to hear & is very remoresfull the following day.

    Iam struggling to work out if this man is just very selfish , self centred , aggresave , self absorbed , iresponsable , a bully etc or has he ADHD this is the confusing part for me because he really does have a heart off gold he is fun but the constant fun ( believe it or not ) is taking its toll on me

    He is terrible with his finances , he seems to have no boundries & it comes across as ignorant and i have been embarrased on many ocasions.

    I love him dearly but he is a loose cannon and i used to say unpredictable but now its all predictable ( to me anyway ) maybee not to others my friend with whom we had the social get together said to me that she was surprised that nobody had regognised that he needs medicated !

    I do love him  but iam now at the stage where i have to consider my own health and life because for the past 3 yrs its all been about him in one way or another . me always making nice meals for us , i think he cooked once ! even all the discussions we have are about his behaviour my head is full off him and his problems

     

    We discussed him going to the docs after one really bad episode off tantrums and he agreed that he would go , he has told me that he is waiting on an apointment but i think he is telling lies and just telling me this so that we can get back together ! he wants to move in with me and i wont let it happen because i could not cope

    A recent arguement we had after the discusion about me thinking he should get an apointment at docs he started throwing this in my face ...'you cannot cope with my illness that fine' he uses everything to his advantage rather than fix it he will go on the defensive

    I dont know what to do , keep helping him keep making everything about him or cut my losses and finish it now because if this is my future i dont think it will be good its a difficult situation for me as i do love him i dont mean to paint it all black and we do have some great times but it doesnt last long , i know relationships have there ups and downs and it cannot be rosy all the time but his behaviour is out off order.

    Thanks

  • ADHD, eye-rolling, feeling "controlled" by: Looking 15 years 5 months ago

    I am at the end of my rope, and am not sure if my husband's behavior is related to his ADHD/Depression. Here is the story: My husband has a "good" day 10-25% of the time (one to three days a month). A good day is one where he can communicate without being defensive, where he is not depressed and so can fulfil plans, where he doesn't accuse me of trying to control him, etc. We have been in marriage counseling fo awhile, and I have come to realize that he might be incapable of learning these skills. That is, the days he is happy, he can see our interactions in a positive light; when he is depressed, he sees the same interactions negatively. When he is happy, he can hear me, discuss/apologize; these are impossible when he is depressed or feeling "off". I am curious if these behaviors are ADHD/Depression related, or just learned behaviors from childhood, or????

    In the end, he is just unhappy too much of the time for me to want to stick around hoping things will get better. Which makes me feel like a bad person, but isn't life supposed to be fun at least half the time?!?!?

  • Honey are you listening by: brendab 15 years 5 months ago

    Honey, are you listening? by Richard Fowler is a good source of ideas written by a man with ADD and his nonADD wife.  they acknowledge many of the obstacles marriages encounter and some ideas about how both partners can approach the issues.  One issue it pointed out for me is my tendency to believe that my nonADD ways are the best way and why can't he understand this?  but when I look really closely about why I do things the way I do them, they are really just a preference.  There wouldn't be any real consequence to do what I do differently on most issues.  I wonder why I have such a prideful attitude that my way is best? 

    There's some really good points made about the stress the ADD person has internally and the stress he experiences because of the actions of others.  The point was made that any stress causes overwhelm and increased likelihood of more ADD behavior. 

  • I think that the most illuminating thing... by: OoohShiny 15 years 5 months ago

    I think that the most illuminating thing is that there are few (no?) joyful posts in the Joy in Marriages with ADHD forum.

    Reading these posts and Melissa's commentary makes me think that her experience is clearly the exception and not the rule.

  • Indecisivness and Passivity by: Sueann 15 years 5 months ago

    My husband can't decide ANYTHING! When we got to be friends while working together, I waited and waited for him to ask me out, but he never did, until I finally gave up and asked him out. (BIG mistake!)

    The specific problem I'm facing is this: We live in City A, and he works in City B, about 30 miles away. He has a challenging job, involving lots of driving during his day. I work in City A, about a mile from where we live, but we hate our house. I've told him I am willing to rent a new house in City B, and take the long commute myself, but, since he works there, he has to find a place for us. The rental agencies are only open business hours, and he won't do anything then, even though he's out and about, and permitted to do personal errands. I can't get from A to B and back on my lunch hour, so I can't do anything. We gave notice last month, but still haven't found a place. I ask him, what do you want to do, and he says I want to move, but we won't commit to finding a place. We looked at one place, but he would not commit to it until after someone else had already moved in. I am afraid we're going to be homeless. I don't want to stay here, but feel so helpless because of his passivity. 

    I worked yesterday and he didn't. We cooked dinner together but he spent the evening watching tv, while I did dishes and cleaned up the living room. He had promised to do the dishes, he put the dishes in the dishwasher but didn't feel that doing the dishes included the pots and pans. He left those for me. He's out of his antidepressant but not his ADD meds, and I'm beginning to wonder if this passive, stare-at-the-wall guy is who my husband really is. I think he should be able to rise above his depression the way I do my mobility problems, and just get on with life. I take no step without pain, but he still thinks he should be privileged to do nothing except work, while I work, go to school and do all the housework. (and find a home in a city where he works)

    How do I get some activity out of him, or should I just give up and do all the housework no matter how much it hurts, because his job is harder than mine? How can I get him to make up his mind about finding a house?

  • ADD post separation/divorce by: Nerdmom920 15 years 5 months ago

    I have reached my limit and although we are not married, we have been together for 7 years, have one child and one on the way ( I am 8 months pregnant).  I am leaving about one month after we have the baby, and we have discussed this.  The first time I tried to talk to him about it he was predictably angry.  He probably has no meaningful recollection of the reasons why I am leaving and unfortunately I can't really care too much anymore, I have a 3 year old and soon a newborn to care for.  The second time he said that he understood, but he's emotionally volitile (sic) especially within the past month so it's an on again off again situation.

    Essentially we are having the same arguments we have been having for the past 7 years over and over again.  We are both tired of it, but I'm the decision maker of the relationship (more by necessity, than by nature) and so I have decided to end it.  It's not the arguing that has prompted this decision, but rather the fact that even though he is taking medication, vyvanse for the ADD and paxil for anxiety he is still having problems functioning at a basic level at home.  He lost the rent check, which was a cashier's check, my way of making sure bills were paid before all the money was spent.  He didn't make the car payment and in fact waited for collections at the loan company to call me before the payment was made.  He did a no call, no show at work which prompted his boss to call me 5 times at work.  I left work early terrified because the last time he did this he was suicidal.  Thankfully he was ok, just playing computer games all day.  I even called his mother thinking I might have to get her to come down if I had to call an ambulance.  I have no legal right to make medical decisions for him.  We had a fight that morning in which I told him that I needed to end our relationship, so I'm sure that prompted the temporary break.  He refuses to check his bank account on a regular basis repeating that he doesn't have the ID or password. So he overdrafts often or comes close. Nothing is stopping him from setting up a new one, and I have told him what it is multiple times, even writing it down and placing it next to the computer.

    I have given up on making requests about personal hygiene, keeping the house clean, sex, having an appreciable emotional connection.  I just wanted to maintain, but now I see that I can't expose my children to circumstances so empty and unsatisfying.  Not to mention the emotional, financial, and physical chaos that we deal with day by day.  He refuses to admit that he needs to pursue therapeutic options beyond medication, that I am making a big deal out of these issues.  I know he is very stressed out by the fact that we are having another baby and this is probably causing the regression but he won't admit any of it, and this is really why I am leaving.  I have about 5 weeks before this baby comes, and especially after it's here I cannot have this level of chaos in my life.  I was sick for the first year of my son's life because I was so stressed out trying to care for all of us.  I just don't have room in my brain to care for a partially non-functional adult.  And an adult who can't or won't admit that they have a problem is basically dangerous and is doomed to repeat whatever mistakes they make as a result of the whatever issues they have.  

    I am not seeking full custody, I am only going to go to court for child support because he has a history of money mismanagement and even though he would want to pay me on time he would forget or put if off and I need to have legal recourse to force him out of denial if necessary.  It's not the best option, not even a good one, but I will do what I have to in order to care for my children.

    After all of this leads to  my question of how do we handle things once we are separated?  We work opposite schedules, so a basic joint custody is very workable.  When I work he will have the kids, when he works I will have the kids.  I will have him reimburse me for medical expenses and we'll both be responsible for feeding the kids etc. on our own.  

    After 7 years it's going to be difficult for me to draw the line between what is my business based on how it affects the kids and what I really should stay out of.  I cannot be any sort of emotional support for him anymore, and folks with ADD need LOTS of emotional support.  Are there any resources that I can utilize to handle this in the best possible way?

    One more thing.  This morning, I dropped my son off at daycare and his teacher said she wasn't expecting him to be there.  He likes to keep our son at home on the days that he is off which would be ok once in awhile, but according to his teacher he is kept at home almost every other day.  Well, they don't have a part-time option at our daycare, so we pay for the full week regardless.  He and I had a discussion about this at the beginning of this week which basically ended with us "agreeing", because apparently we didn't, that he needed to take our son to school everyday and pick him up in the afternoon, around 2 or 2:30 if he wanted to spend more time with him.  When I called him after dropping our son off, he admitted that he had planned to keep him home today.  Our son has allergies and they were bothering him yesterday which was his justification for keeping him home.  I asked when he was going to tell me about this, and I was answered with silence.  This has led me to rethink the whole custody thing.  If I can't trust him to honor his agreements about our son, or even tell the truth when it comes to his literal care, then I am not going to share custody with him.  I basically told him that if anything like this happened again we would be in court discussing custody.  Some days I feel that he is purposely trying to destroy whatever amicable relationship we might be able to salvage.

  • Anger and abuse in ADHD & Aspergers Syndrome by: Linus 15 years 5 months ago

    When I was diagnosed last year as an adult male 51 years old with ADHD I thought at last I have an explanation for what I have been going through and inflicting on others. I dutifully took medication that turned me into a zombie but I found that work wise I was not doing well at all and stopped the meds. My behaviour in terms of frustration and anger had changed and I was less partial to meltdown with the meds.

    I always thought something was missing in the puzzle and finally got diagnosed this year with Apsergers Syndrome and discovered that I also have Dyscalculia. This explains now everything to me and I feel almost delivered from this invisible hell. What does worry me though is that many of the non ADHD spouses relating their problems and experiences with their ADHD partner in these forum topics sound like they could be also dealing with someone with Aspergers Syndrome; especially when I read about the anger and abuse meltdowns, obsessing about various subjects and more so when spouses here complain of the lack of sensitivity and emotional isolation that they feel it is no wonder the spouses need therapy after all the suffering in these scenarios.

    Could Dr Hallowell and Mellissa please advise their thoughts on this? I am only too happy to provide more info if needed. I would also like to say a very heartfelt thankyou to Dr Hallowell and Mellissa for all your ongoing advice and help - please keep it up!

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