Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Financial Frustration by: AlisonR 15 years 5 months ago

    I have said this a number of times over the last decade, but am now truly at the end of my rope.  I need to set an ultimatum.  Either my husband sees a physician to get help for his ADHD or we need to get divorced.  Here is a bit of background.  He was told as a child that he had ADHD and I don’t think it was ever properly treated as his mother chalks it off to bad behavior and laziness.  I grew up with a brother who was diagnosed with it in the early 70’s (he was 5) and had all the support and care in the world for it.  I have witnessed the positive side of living with it when treated properly. I was also diagnosed with ADD in college and probably am a less extreme case.  Both my husband and I have been in recovery for alcoholism for 3 years.  This has helped quite a bit with many of the issues of living together as a married couple, however the untreated ADHD of my husband, coupled with he not taking care of his diabetes regularly has taken every bit of energy, strength, and hope out of me.

    He cannot focus on a job long enough to maintain a steady income to support our family.  He has admitted to me that he gets bored and cannot stay on task.  He takes on too many jobs or projects at a time and cannot keep up with anything as a result of this which leaves us financially on the verge of losing everything.  He thus feels defeated and then the depression kicks in and he cannot function.  I end up sounding like a nag and he feels as though I expect too much from him.  I have taken steps to take my home-based business out of the home now that all the kids are in school full-time and this way I can be more financially responsible for the family and can only blame myself when bills don’t get paid.

    Recently he took a job out of town at my encouragement for 12 weeks just so we have a steady income since the new sales job he took was not generating the type of income he had anticipated. (Refer to paragraph 2)  Since he has been gone I found out that our property taxes were not paid and we may lose our home.  Some of the utilities were not paid and have been shut off and turned back on promptly when I let him know.  We now have no health insurance and we’re 40.  I have let go of the idea that there will be any financial success, I just want shelter, clothing, and food.  He thinks I am such a nag and that I expect too much from him.  Our house has been for sale for months and if somebody buys it, I may be willing to file for divorce if he does not get help.  I don’t know what else to do since I cannot take much more of this emotionally, financially, or spiritually.  I am bankrupt in all of these areas of my life. (not literally)  I have just had enough.  I have begged him for years to please get help and that AA encourages members to seek “outside” help for issues beyond the 12 steps.  This is definitely one of those instances.  Does anyone have any suggestions or input on what I have written?

     

     

  • In the end, suprisingly it's not about ADHD (mostly) by: brooks30 15 years 5 months ago

    I have made the decision to leave and let me tell you, it's almost refreshing to know it's not about ADHD.

    I have realised recently that through all my efforts in trying to help him, my mental and spiritual health has taken a back seat. I have over the past few year become a resentful and angry person who I don't like very much. The first realization I have had is that I cannot help someone who doesn't want to help himself. I am encouraging and try to be a good teacher for him. He on the other hand never takes action to help himself. For example, the meds he is on now was working for concentration but seems to be hurting him in other areas. This has been going on for over a month. Days and Days turn into weeks and weeks and he has yet to call his psychaitrist. If he doesn't care about his mental health enough to take action, how can I help?

    I then realized that he is in fact passive agressive. I know that most ADHDers display signs of passive agression but I truely believe that my ADHDer is. Example: I just got back from a camping road trip with my girlfriend. I have yet to put away the camping stuff that goes into storage because that is "his territory". Last night I ask him, before I left the house, when he would be able to help me put it away. He asked me what time I was getting home because he wanted to put it away for me. This makes no sense of course and I ask why he feels the need to always do everything as a "suprise". Anyway, I leave (and knew he was going out to) then get home about 3 hours later. Not only is the camping stuff still sitting out but he is not home and doesn't get home until about an hour after me. He then proceeds to do his nightly "routines" then goes to bed all the while the camping stuff staring him in that face. I don't get it.

    Additionally I realized that he is never going to let me in or even let me help him. My ADHDer grew up in a household that does not talk about anything serioius let alone emotions or feelings or even helping each other. This has transfered to our life. He almost never shares his feelings with me. Example: yesterday he texts me that his grandfather is in the ICU. I of course ask him if he ok and to please keep me updated. When he gets home from work later, and also keep in mind that we are openly not doing good as well, comes through the door in a hyper mood with emotions that could indicate that he won the lottery. I ask him are you not worried about your grandfather? Are you not thinking we have more to talk about? When anything is bad he, like his mother, totally ignores it, pretends it is not even happening and literally live in a world of delusionality. If this is his defense mechanism and if he hasn't by now, he will never let me in. Furthermore, he appreciates all that I do for him yet never lets me help him. I don't even want to get into that one.

    What I have realized over the past few days, and what is most important, is that I am leaving him for the non-ADHD things. There are some personality traits that he will never been that I have realized I cannot live forever without. Just like any relationship when it ends, he simply is not giving me what I want. We are not married, only engaged and do not have a wedding date set. It was postponed indefinitely at the beginning of this year.

    I think a lot of our judgements in here get clouded by the ADHD and it is hard to seperate our significant other from ADHD and their personalities because ADHD is such a large part of their personalities. All I know is that my mental health is declining and I can no longer be with a person who gives almost nothing back. He doesn't even give me the exciting parts of ADHD. All he can offer is his love and that worked for a while. But now, and as I get older, I know what I need in a partner and it is definitely more than just love. This is going to be hell on him but I cannot keep living in my hell. I have to move on.

  • She Drives Me Crazy by: Devon 15 years 5 months ago

    I love my girlfriend deeply and we have been together for a year and a half. I want to scream at times because she cannot keep her appointments or her conferences straight.

    Again, last night, she sprang it on me "Oh, I have a conference in Albuquerque next Wednesday so I will be gone Tues night and be back Wednesday night." Why didn't you tell me this? "Well, they sent me the email but I think I deleted it and didn't remember until they sent me a reminder this week."

    Then she will do things like "Oh, I told Congi that I would meet her at the gym at 8pm." You're usually in bed by 8:30pm why so late? "Well, that's the only time she can get a babysitter."

    She changes plans almost randomly. It makes me crazy. I even went so far as to accuse her of cheating on me last night because she changes her plans so much. That didn't help.

    She has two or three ways to keep track of her schedule but she doesn't use them well. She has been diagnosed with ADHD but she is not medicated and we're not going to start that.

    What do I do? What do I tell her? She knows it makes me crazy. I am not the type of person that likes to change plans at the drop of a hat. I feel abused every time she changes her plans.

  • Losing it. by: Selena 15 years 5 months ago

    I'm 26 and the wife of a loving man who is unbelievably intuitive, smart, creative and has ADHD. He has helped me grow as a person so much but i feel like i cant even begin to help him. I dont understand the way he thinks and regardless of how much i read... how much i try to change my own actions and take over the things that annoy me when he cannot or will not do them... i am now faced with another problem that scares me more.

    he's losing touch with himself. He feels so lost and as he puts it.. "i feel like i'm in a boat trying to navigate by the stars... and they are not out." he has talent that i have not seen matched by anyone around me in the field that we are in. He has the uncanny ability to diagnose and help others see what is wrong and what to do differently to get to where they want to be. He has all the typical reactions and behaviors of a person with ADHD including agreesion, blame, nonfocus, lack of respect for time, i mean... every forum discussed on this site sounds like him....etc... and now he is depressed. Like i've never seen. He's stopped working and i'm doing everything i can to keep us a float. He's going to school full time and doing much better than ever but it seems to be eating at him. Every time we've discussed a behavioral change i hear... I'll loose who i am.. it will do more harm than good... .. etc.. so i dont push... and of couse i'm paraphrasing extremely but its to the extent that i just stand back and do everything.

    I'm now to a point where he is lost, late, has let his appearance (once coveted and worked so hard on - weightloss and grooming) go and cant find a way to join the living. He feels like he doesnt fit in the system of the world and that i'm the only one that understands... and while i do.. i cant change it. We cant afford doctors or meds. He's been diagnosed and was on meds for a while, he as usually focused on what the medication was doing and learned to do it on his own so he stopped them. that was over 2 years ago and i'm not even sure if its still in practice.. i dont really know what he did!


    I'm at a loss and i'm really scared because the man that i married was proud, strong and so inlove with life and as i've grown through his insite... i've watched him deteriorate and i feel ashamed and guilty. He's said time and again that every time he had to help me, talk to me for 4 hours to make me see something... that i was killing him and that that was less strength he had for himself... and now he's really not here... I am florishing where i once floundered and without his help and guidence i would be lost where i was... but i cant seem to figure out how to help him... I dont even know how he helped me! and all i can think about is how he always said that the more i grew at the expense of his time and nurturing (fighting) the more he would fade... and now its happening...

    I'm really at a loss and i've read every single forum on this site and a lot of books are floating around a lot of feedback and talk but no answers and thats what i need. I dont know what to do and when i do talk to him i get yelled at for not thinking aobut how he thinks... what he responds too.. etc... I have no way of changing him becuase that is in his hands but i feel so guilty because the path that i am on was paved by his guidence and now he has no path.

    I have noone to talk to about this and i feel like my posting here is the only way i can get some help. I dont know what i'm asking but i'm watching him lose himself... and i dont know what to do.

    I can imagine i'm going to get a lot of .. you guys should go to counseling... he should be on meds.. you shouldnt do so much.. yada yada and i'm open to all of it but there is no insurance, no money and if i dont do it.. it wont happen... and we'll be in a pigsty(which he'd be fine with) or on the street.

    Any other ideas? Selena

    (I'm sorry if this post is in some way inappropriate or not in the right forum... )

     

  • New here by: Mshelez 15 years 5 months ago

    Hi there.  I wasn't sure where to post an introductory message so I will include it with this post.  My husband has undiagnosed ADD but since both his daughter and son have it (from a previous marriage), and he exhibits plenty of the signs, we just assume he has ADD (we also have a daughter together which I hope she does not end up having ADD as well).  Counselling is not in the budget at this time so we just deal with things as they come along.  For the most part, things are pretty good.  There was a time when I wanted to leave but we worked through that and things have been much better for a few years now.

    The biggest problem that we have is video games.  I can't tell you how many times I want to throw out the playstation and get rid of the computer.  If I could never access the internet at home again so that he had to do something at home besides being on it, I would make that sacrifice.  I mean really, at 37 years old, its time to grow up and stop the immaturity.  DH says he doesn't know what to do with himself but if you only do the same thing and don't do something else, well duh, you never will know what else is out there.  You can't try something for a few days and then go right back to the videogames becuase then you never give anything else a chance. 

    This is my biggest gripe.  The man can literally be on there for hours a day and not move from the seat.  I dont' even care that I do most of the household chores.  That really doesn't bother me.  I would rather see DH doing just about anything else BUT videogames. 

    Anyway thats my biggest vent and I just wanted to get that out to other people who can definitely understand me.

  • Accountability for Conversations? by: SMF763012 15 years 5 months ago

    This is somewhat similar to apollo's post from a year ago, but I was just wondering if anybody had tips for dealing with the problem of the ADD partner's ability to participate fully in a conversation and yet have no memory of it.

    A very benign example:  Last night my spouse asked me to make some popcorn.  I was on my way out of the room, but I started the popper and asked him to save some for me to eat later.  He said OK and I went off to do my thing.  When I came back an hour and a half later, he had not doled out the popcorn for me and had no memory whatsoever of us having that conversation.

    A less benign example: We are planning a road trip vacation to visit family.  He and I sat down and talked about when we were going to leave, and agreed on a plan.  When the topic of our departure date came up again last week, he got angry with me because we were leaving on a Wednesday and came up with all sorts of excuses for why he didn't know that, or would never have agreed to it, even though we had talked about it at some length.

    I'm not so much concerned about dealing with the "false memories" aspect of it - I have made my peace to a greater or lesser extent with that aspect of his ADD.  What I want to know is... does anybody have any ideas as to how to tell when the ADD spouse is not present in the conversation?  I have tried asking him to repeat things back to me (which is how I handle our four year old when she is just smiling and nodding at me) but he gets offended and says that I am patronizing him.  Any other ideas?

  • I am so frustrated, please tell me if it will ever get better. by: Nicol 15 years 5 months ago

    I talked to my husband about add this week.  He agreed.  I have to vent.  I am so frustrated.  So we think he has it, but we don't know where to start and my day was ruined today because of his actions.  He couldn't find his keys yesterday so he took my truck to work... no biggy.  BUT he didn't deposit his check so I am left with no money to go grocery shopping which is what I do on Tuesdays..... he knows this. THEN at 10 am he calls and he locked his keys (which I found for him last night) in the trunk.  So I had to pack the kiddo up at nap time and go rescue him, oh and buy him lunch.  I did get my debit card back from him.... he lost his wallet a couple weeks ago which he found but not before he cancelled his cards.  So who is put out... ME. IT is so rediculous.  I mean really you are 31 years old. get a hold of yourself. It effects me so much that most days I am so tired of it I am just mean.  I am tired of being mean and resentful.  We have been together for 9 years, married for 3 and we have a 1 year old.  I want to have 4 kids but I have found that if I take on more than I can do all alone I go insane trying to ask for help.  I really need him to get help but where do we start.  We have good insurance but is meds the way to go or does he need a coach?  He IS willing to do what ever it takes to change. I think he is tired of forgetting everything and acting like a child.

  • Controlling Wife (me) and ADD possible ADHD Husband (undiagnosed) with a 1 year old..... by: Nicol 15 years 5 months ago

    I am new to the site.  I was watching Dr. Phil last week and it was on ADHD and marriage.  I sat my husband down when he got home and had him watch it.  When the guy was cooking the meal for his wife and he made the comment about the water taking forever to boil... my hub does it every single time he cooks.  Even he agreed that the underline problems were us.  I always say he is in his own world.  When you have an infant it tests your marriage every day.  But with him being so selfish it is taking a toll on us as a family.  It is effecting my daughter now, he doesn't make time for her and she is not really bonding with him, he is more like an uncle.  He is a great guy, works hard at his job and is a good provider, he is a great friend and so fun to hang out with, but a husband and a dad.... not so much.  He spends money like it grows on trees, he is always making plans to go do something, he doesn't help out around the house... never cooks (except for bbqs).  I was laid off in Sept last year and am home with our child.  I was bored so I am watching an infant for extra money.  I feel like I am doing everything I can to push us forward, but he keeps holding us back.  My biggest thing is when we go places I am trying to work with him on helping out more and he is trying soooooo hard but it isn't working, he gets distracted so easy and just leaves me and the baby to do everything.  I need to know if medication is going to help or if I am going to have to learn to deal with having him as another child forever. ...  oh yes another reason I am reaching out for help is I have always wanted 4 kids and now with just one we are overwhelmed and I don't want to not have my big family because he didn't get help.

    -nicol

  • Being a young mom in a very ADD household by: Devoted 15 years 5 months ago

    Just wanted to introduce myself.  I am feeling so frustrated and overwhelmed . . . and dare I admit it, depressed sometimes.  I am grateful I found this forum.  Reading it is very validating.

    My husband has ADD, diagnosed when he was a teen.  He is an amazing person.  He never did very well in school because he was bored and unmotivated.  He is very intelligent, though never tested.  He dropped out after his first year of highschool, then after taking a year he went back and was able to work hard and finish up high school to graduate "on time."  He is a very ambitious and driven person, and I have watched his ADD frustrate him but he has overcome so much.  For a while we both thought that ADD was something that wouldn't really affect him much in his life.  We didn't take into account it afecting our family life at all.  How very naive of us . . .

    I have all of the symptoms of ADD-- definitely, very much so-- but am not diagnosed.  I actually think I probably have Asperger's, because I also have many of the Aspie symtpoms, and Asperger's is supposed to be inclusive of all ADD symptoms, at least that is my understanding from my research-- like, you can't have both.  My mom and older brother are the picture perfect definition of Asperger's, and another brother has full-blown autism, too.  My dad, I'm pretty sure has ADD.  None of these people are diagnosed-- not even the obviously autistic brother-- because my mom and dad eschew "labels" and think that ADD or Asperger's would be shameful.  I myself find no shame in such things whatsoever.  What I see is a family of geniuses (my dad's IQ is 180, my mom untested but super-smart herself) who have none of them been successful in life.  I don't define success as have money or prestife, but just simply as being able to have the kind of life you had hoped for-- a happy family, meaningful work, some degree of financial security-- my parents do not have this, my older brother does not have this, my yopunger brother is unlikely to achieve this.   I myself am still struggling to be successful.  So I will take my labels, thank you very much, if they help me guide my children into a better future.  That is what I am striving for and why I am here.

    My oldest son has Asperger's, definitely.  Our family doctor, although not able to make an offical diagnosis, agrees with me, and I am going to take both my sons to be evaluated in a local early childhood intervention program.  We have three kids, ages 5, 2.5, and an infant.  The infant is teething, the 5-year-old is the Aspie, the 2-year-old appears to have ADD although it's too early to tell yet.  He is extremely intense to raise.  I am exhausted.  Oh, I am homeschooling the boys, too.  I am letting myself have a bit of "summer break" right now so I can focus in the new baby, but we will start again in the fall.  My oldest son is learning to read.  :)

    My ambitious husband is going to school while working at his job that he loves.  He finally found a job that is perfectly suited to him-- doesn't require much organization, he is on the phone with various clients who mostly call him, and it is very competitive.  He really excels at his job which I am grateful for.  He is also taking college classes half time, for his accounting degree.  I get to be a SAHM, for now.  Because he really struggles with time management, he has been here very little to help me out.  So I am often "stuck at home" with the kids all day.  Sure, I could go out with them, but it is HARD and stressful to do by myself and I did lose the two-year-old one time, which was traumatic for me.  Oh, and money is tight, and this is mainly because our finances are so completely jumbled.  So disorganized.  It is really embarassing.  He mostly takes care of this, which frustrates me, because I think I could be more organized about it than he is (but could I really?  I don't know . . . lol.) besides, I refuse to take over completely because I do SO much around here already.  It is kind of depressing.  I clean up after everyone, which is saying a LOT.  sure, I don't keep it perfect, but I do my best and iot's not too bad.  The little boys are so incredibly messy it is depressing.  I stay up late with my baby and wake up early with the little boys.  Sleep is always an issue.  I am burnt out.

    Life is hard.  OUR marriage has been hard.  DH and I love each other very much, and we are such good friends.  But I can see in so many ways how ADD and/or Asperger's or whatever has shaped our family and made our lives harder.  For instance, we have made major life decisions impulsively.  Got married impulsively, which wasn't a mistake at all.  But the timing of having our children was impulsive, and that has been . . . a challenge.  Probably a mistake.  We had our first son immediately and then each subsequent child is two years apart.  We've learned a lot.  We are not going to have any more children.  I am scared of making another impulsive decision and having more, but I just won't do it.  I have to remember that I absolutely can't handle it.  The doctors won't let us get fixed yet, because we are "too young" (26.)

    Well, I'm not sure where I am going with this.  I guess I just feel like I made a mistake, which is depressing.  I thought I would be a better mom than this.  I wanted to be more patient, more organized, more tuned-in, more available.  My own childhood was horrible; I vowed to make my kids lives different.  Well, it is better, definitely, but not as good as I had hoped for, yet.  There are days my kids just never get dressed (I need to dress them but I just don't.)  I yell at the kids sometimes, which makes me so sad.  :(  My baby is NOT on a schedule, lol.  I feel jealous of cute, organized moms who seem to have their lives together.

    That said, I am trying not to wallow in self-pity.  I am on a supplement program which I often  forget to take, but when I remember, it helps a lot.  I made a big effort to reach out to other women at my church, even though it's embarassing.  Another nice mom is coming over this Friday to help me declutter and organize my house some, God bless her.   I just need to get the apartment cleaned up by then.  I am trying.

    It would mean a lot to me to get some advice or even just support here.  Thank you for reading all of this!

  • Here we go Again...What do I have to do better to get off this ADHD Roller Coaster with my Spouse by: ajr 15 years 5 months ago

    Im finding these Blogs terrifically insighful and Melissa, I perceive you to make a lot of sense, so heres my details...Any insight you can provide is greatly appreciated.

    Have been married for 20 years & my spouse told me he is going back on his ADD meds....Why he ever went off, I do not know, but he obviously think he was getting better....NOT.... He was in therapy  while on meds the  last time....getting individual help, but he never discusses his indiviual issues with me, so I have no way of knowing what was effective or not.... I assumed he liked the Dr several years ago...so much to my surprize when he mentioned to me last week he didnt like the original Dr., didnt click with him, office was too messy etc.....Talk about a delayed response as to what you feel....This is typical....

    My husband is very reactive, and makes decisions based on if it " feels good". I feel he is not able to identify what worked or did not work during the time period on meds. he is reactionary..Not impulsive  but reactionary to feedback, criticism or being challenged. We look at things very differently. Has one therapist tell us...You two arent on the same page....You arent even in the same library .....

    Lovely man, father to our 3 kids, and has a heart of gold to help anyone, does chores is mostly responsible  has the same job for the last 12 years, but has battled focus issues all his life...Also has depression and anxiety running in his family.   He got diagnosed with ADD 7-9 years ago,  took various meds Concerta, Strattera etc.... He has little abliity to plan, prioritize or move forward on anything substancial....He cooks, cleans, shares home chores, is on time to appointments, but get him to plan a vacation or anything or  make plans to go after a new job,,it doesnt happen....He cant identify sequential steps and gets lost in the details. Nothing materializes....He talks alot about what he plans to do, but Ive gotten my hopes up so many times to no avail.. He talks about starting a business, but he hasnt demonstrated the skills toward doing this to take him seriously... I honestly feel sorry for him, and our relationship hangs on a thread constantly....Ive been hurt too many times....

    Im organized, process focused, multi task,get it done type of woman( Yes opposite attracts yes?), so his behavior is frustrating and intolerable to me... I see him talking in circles over and over and never really getting to the root of the problem to hold himself personally accountable on  any particular issue. To grow and develop he needs to take action..He has problems making decisions, and when he does... he tend to react, getting poor results. He is also not good at "reading" a situation or my emotions...Has known me for 23 years, but reacts to my emotions...Doesnt know me enough to be able to "read" me well. Its sad.

    When asked over several months, Ive even sat with him and diagramed out the pattern of behavior he is stuck in....in an effort to help him as he requested.....also given suggestions on developing to do lists, for follow up.. The problem, is he never brings it up again. He doesnt ask for help, or to discuss progress, it just dies....

    This is absolutely frustrating to me, and Ive definitely detached because each time he gets frustrated and commits to doing better, and it doesnt happen. There are other issues at play here.

    His personal workspaces are cluttered with papers and infomation he cannot process through. His car, dresser, workbench in the garage. Maybe once in a while he cleans it all  up, but its more in response to an argument we've had. Ive learned he doesnt respond when I ask him nicely....He jumps when there is an argument between us.   (He grew up in a conflict avoidance environment,so when I get angry, his conditioning response is to take action and get things done)..The problem is when the tension lessens, he goes right back to a complacency pattern until the next marriage eruption. He doesnt want to be made to feel bad, but he doesnt make himself accountable for followup.....

    Our communication is not terrific as I feel he talks in circles without action,and Ive tried to detach and position personal accountability for his own issues...I waffle from total detachment to trying to reach out to him to provide support but admittedly pull back when I dont see results and follow through....Anger doesnt work, support doesnt work....Im going in circles and not happy.

    Rather than just going back on Meds and doing the same thing over and over, I asked him what is going to be different this time, so he increases his chances of success?   If I ask him challenging questions, he is HIGHLY DEFENSIVE and doesnt like to be put on the spot...Has issues with weak self esteem..If I give him plenty of time to get back with a response, he rarely does....He makes attempts to develop lists, but 2 days later he doesnt follow them.  I dont feel he has a lot of personal introspection to look inside himself to be truly honest...about what is going on..Maybe he truly doesnt know....but the what does therapy do if a person  doesnt learn from it.

    My ideal situation would be to have him speak up and to ask for help when he is struggling, because at least I      know he is trying to figure things out... He doesnt do this...

    Ive  made the suggestion to join  a  local ADHD group for him to talk to other ADDers and to get personal recommendations on Dr's, therapy, coaching etc...I'll know by the end of the month if he take the suggestion and follows through....

    Is it unrealistic to expect him to understand what worked and did not from 4 past attempts at therapy so he isnt going back in this viscious circle again and again....Otherwize he has wasted a lot of time and money getting help in therapy, and still doesnt have a good understanding of the key issues...

    Melissa, Can you please help me get off this ride as Im dizzy, unhappy and frustrated to be going down this rabbit hole again without success..

    Thank you & Many Blessings,

    AJR

     

     

     

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