Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • I've almost lost all hope... by: ugleee 15 years 5 months ago

    I have been to one psychiatrist who seemed less interested in actually diagnosing me and more interested in simply medicating me so he could diagnose by experimentation.  He was generally dismissive of my concern that I might have ADD because he said simply that most people grow out of ADD they experience as children and young adults.  I wasn't really happy with this answer but I tried the meds anyway, but they didn't help (I'll be honest, this was two years ago and I forget what I was given).

    When I was in grade school I was a little bit hyper, with rapid movements and whatnot.  I was tested and diagnosed with Tourettes Syndrome and given medication which helped keep it under control.  After elementary school I developed a pattern of behaviour and work ethic that led to my being labeled by most teachers I had as an underachiever, someone who doesn't work up to his abilities.  Also noted was my extreme disorganization.  By years end my binder would be a mess of papers and tests, unfinished homework, and whatever else.  The following year I typically would really be excited about the idea of staying organized.  I would go out with my mother, buying new binders, tab organizers, anything that would help me be organized in school.  I wasn't happy with what I'd become the past few years and I wanted to correct it.  Then school would begin and I would start off fine the first couple days, but then I'd be in class taking notes and just start to daydream, and that would derail me.  After one small incident like that things would quickly spiral out of control to the point where I didn't care to be organized anymore.  I always planned on doing homework, but never usually got around to it, and if I did it was the next morning right before class.  I would regularly fail take-home test....who fails take-home tests?  It's an easy 100 yet I'd fail them because I didn't complete them.  My grades were actually not as bad as you would think.  My being in class apparently was enough to absorb information to an extent that my test and quiz grades, including midterms and finals, were always very high.  This offset my homework grades and allowed me to pass with a B average most years.

    Nowadays I experience very similar problems, both with organization and with getting things accomplished.  Even right now, I'm writing on this forum when I should be working on a wedding album for a client that is long overdue.  I am a photographer, and this is really hurting me professionally.  The combination of me being a ridiculous perfectionist along with me being an unbelievable procrastinator is not allowing my business to flourish like it should.  I try everything.  I set working hours for myself, I set goals, nothing seems to work.  I was working on the album when I remembered Dr. Phil was having some ADD guy on so I decided to do some research.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Isn't it possible that I'm just lazy?  I don't want to be this way!  I want my business to succeed.  I want people to be impressed with my work, not upset that it took so long.  I want to get things done around the house.  I really want to be a better husband to my wife and a better father to my children but I don't know where to turn at this point.  I feel like I'm frittering away my entire life and there is nothing I can do about it.

    I'd appreciate any input.  Thank you.

    --John

  • How can you get your ADDer to focus on something you NEED? by: Sueann 15 years 5 months ago

    My husband and I determined months ago to move. However, I can't get him to help me look for a place. The property management places around here only work 9-5 Monday through Friday and he refuses to do anything during those hours (his work hours)

    I understand the importance of his job, but he takes no lunch, although I'm sure the other employees there do, and I'm sure they handle their personal business. He doesn't want me to rent a house without him seeing it (I don't want to do that either), but that sticks us in this house we both hate.

    How can I get him to stop hyperfocusing on his job long enough to meet this need?

     

  • Holidays by: holdontomyheart 15 years 5 months ago

    Yet another holiday has passed and I find myself saddened and frustrated.  My husband who has suspected he had add for many years was diagnosed about 4 or 5 years ago since then he has tried various meds and is currently taking adderall.  One of our biggest issues is holidays.  Most of the time he shuts down and in turn makes things a negative experience for all around him.  The only time he is happy is when he takes an extra dose of adderall or is drinking during a holiday.

    Yet again we had another confrontation.  He spent the day on the couch ( this is how he spends his weekends)  and pretty much ignored everything.  I finally had enough and decided to end the day at where we were.  At that point the host asked why and I explained that he really didn't want to be there and I was just going to head out...the older kids had already taken off , in part due to his blah attitude. 

    I tried explaining that his negative attitude and not wanting to particpate was very upsetting to me and it made me sad.  He said that he is not responsible for my happiness and that it isn't his problem that I am sad and that once again I was trying to place my unhappiness on him and blame him.  I have thought about this for several hours and while I understand that I am resposible for my unhappiness and being upset that I wish he could have some empathy for me.  I expained that I am tired of doing things by myself, that I have a  partner but most of the time I end up doing things alone and that is not what I thought a marriage should be. 

    We tried counseling, he seemed to be in the hot seat a good deal of time, so he decided that he no longer wanted to attend.  Our communication attempts are not good.  He won't or can't communicate his thoughts or feelings. 

    Am I being unreasonable expected his participation on some level ?  What can I do to avoid holidays being so upsetting ?  If I am to continue to do things without him am I better off single?

  • Please help by: jgsmom 15 years 6 months ago

       I think it may be possible that while my husband knows he has ADD he doesn't think that it affects him much or that he can control it, like he is in denial. The more I read about people's stories/struggles with this disorder the more I recognize similarities in Rick. I email him these stories and I ask, is this how you feel? I do this in an effort to understand him better, and hopefully help him feel better by relating to these inspirational stories, like he is not alone but he always denies any similarities/connection and he gets angry so I have stopped.He says he knows that I am trying to help him, that this is coming from a place of love but he doesn't react to it that way.

       Communication between us is like being in a funhouse, smoke and mirrors, completely ineffective. It makes me feel like I am crazy. I have always been a very good communicator, my job depends on it but I get so turned around and confused when Rick and I argue that I end up exhausted and feeling like nothing has been resolved. I am so worried because I am not sure the counselor fully understands, it is so hard to explain and it feels like Rick is not being honest with me, the counselor, or himself. He knows all the right things to say when we are in counseling, he has projected all of the issues I have with him onto me. When confronted with a problem he doesn't answer the question but instead tries to find fault with me. I am genuinely making a real effort here, I want this to work but I feel like I have no control over it, like we are in this crazy spin, I try to slow it down so we can see things better but it just spins faster and faster. Please help, do you have any advice?

  • Am I really doing better? by: mennen 15 years 6 months ago

    Am I totally a idiot for not seeing what was going on for all these years? Can I really make up for all the damage that is done? Am I even truley getting better or is that just my way of trying to make myself feel better?  These are quesion's that  I have been fighting with for quite some time now and its a sad fact that a 38 year old man has his wife tell him she has no respect for him and that there marriage might end because not only the ADHD but me personally. I dont blame everything on my ADHD but I just found out 2 years ago or so That I had ADHD and no matter what I say or do the fact is that I have shaped my life aroud the ADHD and what I call Normal for so many years has made me not only look like a total heartless "SOB", But has made me feel like there is no way to show my wife that I am really doing my best and I dont intend to go back to being that person again.  To anyone who is going though these same things I feel for you and I pray that that not only God listen to your prayers But your spouse also.

  • I'm not to blame and I wont let you tell me differently! by: Amgock 15 years 6 months ago

    Just today we recieved a letter from my husbands employer stating that he failed to take part in some extended training (he is a teacher and this is continuing education points). They are deducting over $400 from his next pay check, a much needed amount.

    His response: "I guess I screwed up. But if I wasn't distracted from all the crap going on this year I probably would have remembered to go"

    All the crap going on this year was us fighting and coming to terms with his add and then our two week seperation, which we still are fighting it out (though we kid our selves and say we're working on things).

    First of all, an apolgy does not contain the word "but".

    Secondly, I refused to take part in the blame of him not doing this continueing ed. He's an adult, yes he has other things on his mind, but he's still an adult with a good job. He's got no one to blame but himself. While I tried to explain this to him, things got louder and more heated. He eventually said I was being mean and I should understand what he's been going through and it's understandable why he forgot and if i hadn't left him for a period he wouldn't have had to come home everyday to make sure that I was coming home. WHAT?

    I walked away, I gather my thoughts and i told him. It's not that we lost the money, though that sucks big time. It's the fact that you can't take responsibility for your actions without trying to place blame on some other force. He said 'ok' and we have since not really spoken.

    I will not feel guilty, or that I had any part in him not doing his job. This is a huge step for me, before today he would have really beat it into me that it was my fault, all things that go south are my fault. For me, that is no longer the case. And I feel good that today, I am strong enough to stand up for myself.

  • Adult ADD/ADHD Spousal Support Groups by: blackbutterfly 15 years 6 months ago

    I live in the NYC area and was curious if there are any ADD support groups for non-ADD partners who are in a relationship with an ADD partner -- much like Al-Anon.

    Books and blogs and literature is good, but it'd be great to connect with some people on a personal level.

    Thanks.

  • Making Plans to Leave by: brandii_p 15 years 6 months ago

    I will be married two years in August. I am making plans to leave my husband in the next few months.  I saw so many signs that there was something wrong before we were married but I let them go.  We are both over forty and should be able to figure this out.  At least that is what I kept telling myself.  The very day we returned home from our honeymoon it all seemed to intensify.  Of course, part of it is me.  I have my own baggage that I have been carrying around for 42 years.  But I could not understand why my husband was so childish in countless ways.  From losing things, to being so messy, needing constant attention, acting before he thinks and especially...he never SHUTS UP. 

    We have been struggling to get along for almost two years now.  I have grown to resent him so much.  I can't stand to go home or to even look at him sometimes.  I have no respect for him because he does so many stupid things and I hate him for what our marriage is.  I can't do any more and I do not want to live like this any longer.  Every single day is a drama.  I feel like I am too old to live like this.  I am exhausted.  I am starting co-dependency classes tonight to try to help me see what I am doing but I am going to keep getting everything in order so that I can leave him.  It is just too difficult. 

  • communication tips with ADHD by: janne w 15 years 6 months ago

    another great resource:

    www.ADDerworld.ning.com

     

    this site was created by a man-managing his ADD/ADHD-to result such a lifestyle that he's written 2 books. 'very powerful-and inspiring resource.

  • Male sex issues with ADHD by: MrJones 15 years 6 months ago

    I'll keep this as clean as possible.  When it comes to having sex with AD/HD, am I the only one that has troubles finishing?  When I was younger, it was cool to last and last and last, but as I have gotten older...and now that I am married, I wish I could hurry up!

    I find myself getting distracted.  It wasn't until recently that I put two and two together and realized that the AD/HD, not some god given sexual gift, was most likely the reason for this "problem".

    Any hints, help, ideas?  Can you relate?  Anyone?

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