Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Inner critic, outer critic by: still trying 15 years 7 months ago

    A few nights ago my boyfriend said he would make dinner for us some day.  When I got home the day of the promised dinner, he said he hadn't been able to go get groceries due to bad weather.  He was, however, able to buy a new video game for himself and spend the whole day playing it.  Since I was home he decided to ask me what I wanted for dinner and I said I didn't know, that the whole point for me was that I would be relieved of having to make a decision about what we were going to eat -- I didn't want to think of it now that I was hungry and tired.   He huffed off and hurried to the store, and in his rush to get out of there, left some of the groceries at the store.  It was pretty much a disaster.

    I was really put out that he was the one getting angry when he put himself in the situation of having to rush around at the last minute to do what he had said he would do.  I did apologize to him for being frustrated and told him I knew he didn't put everything off on purpose, but he had to understand why I would be upset, considering he was able to do something that was entirely for his own enjoyment but not something that would have really helped the both of us.  And that's when he said something that I have secretly suspected and yet it still blew my mind that he finally admitted it...

    He said he only got angry in response to my frustration or anger when he knew he was at fault, that his inner critic which had been nagging at him all day matched his outer critic -- me -- and he felt like "we" were ganging up on him, and he knew "we" had every right to be mad.  He also said his inner critic speaks to him in my voice now.  Apparently I nag and scold him all day long in his head.  Ouch. 

    I told him I found that to be kind of hurtful but he said he didn't mean it in a bad way, just that it was my voice that reminded him of the things he knew he should be doing.  It has been a problem throughout our relationship that when I try to talk about things that are a problem or that frustrate me, he cuts off the conversation too quickly and I don't get to say what I need to say.  Well no wonder, in his mind I've said it already.   

     

  • Law Enforcement and ADHD by: GirlGrillMaster 15 years 7 months ago

    After much research and many years of frustration, I believe my husband is ADHD.  He has not been officially diagnosed.  However, he has agreed to find counseling.  After he finally agreed to see a psychiatrist, I did a little more research into his specific career (law enforcement) and have discovered an ADHD diagnosis is basically career suicide.  Now what?  What's the best way to go about seeking help without jeoporadizing his career?  It's unrealistic to say, "What's more important--his career or his health" b/c even me, as miserable as I am, know that we need him to keep his job right now.  What are the legal boundaries of a counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist?  Has anyone tried a non-medication route?

  • I need some words of encouragment (Sorry, long post) by: Beauty23 15 years 7 months ago

    Hi, I am married to an ADD husband for half a year, but we've been together for longer, about 2 years. I love him very much and I know that he loves me. But like everybody knows just love is not enough for a happy marriage. He told me that he had ADD right after we met - but the thing is that I didn't know much about it at all and I didn't pay enough attention to the fact that he has it - I just thought that it's just hard for him to concentrate sometimes, I had no idea what ADD truly was and how to deal with it. And to tell you the truth I still don't know how to deal with it properly - most of the time I get angry and frustrated, especially it was an issue in the beginning of our relationship. After we moved in together he lost his focus on me and I thought that he stopped loving me - back than I didn't know that ADDers tend to lose their focus on the partner after the courtship phase - so that was really hard for me to deal with. I really thought that he didn't love me anymore! We almost broke up during that time. After a while I realized that A LOT of his actions are caused by ADD - and I try not to react the way I did before. But I feel like I'm in a constant struggle with trying not to get angry, frustrated or hurt. And that makes things even worse. I am the kind of person who says what she thinks and shares all her feelings - and it's hard for me to just keep my mouth shut. My husband doesn't like talking about our problems and gets easily irritated when I start talking about my hurt feelings - and actually accuses me of making things worse between us by trying to talk about it! So, it's like a closed circle. For some reason he doesn't see that initially his behaviour causes me to act offended and says that my actions cause his behavior. I'm so confused!!!! I need help.

  • I Live in Complete Chaos! by: GirlGrillMaster 15 years 7 months ago

    I have been married to an undiagnosed ADHD husband for 11 years.  This site makes me realize I am not crazy afterall...!  It's also a little sad because I have been living in total stress, exhaustion and chaos for SO long.  It has affected my health, my credit (I now have none), my sex life, my family, and obviously my marriage.  I am currently considering divorce. 

    My husband is the HYPER in ADHD.  In fact, when I started researching what could be going on with him, he shows almost every sign of the manic side of a bipolar person....he's super high energy, sleeps very little, is very excited and happy, extremely impulsive, and can get into talking 'fits' where I have to ask him to be quiet for a minute... He is very funny and has a larger than life personality which is what attracted me to him in the first place.  However, the flip side of this excitement and impulsivity is that when he has an idea, he suddenly has to do it.  Whether it's buying a new car (we've had more than 20 in the past 13 years -- he once borrowed my car one day and came home with a different one), starting his own real estate business (in addition to a full time job where he already puts in 70-80 hours a week) which included 4 houses in a few months; now all are upside down or in foreclosure.  I stopped answering my home phone because of all the mortgage companies calling my house.

    In five years he changed jobs 5 times.  The 4th job fired him (according to him, the supervisor was a jerk and 'had it out' for him), and the only reason he hasn't left his 5th job is that no one else will hire him.  He's very smart and excels in his profession, but he has been accused of 'trying to wear too many hats'.  He always tests at the top of the list, but has been passed up for promotions twice.  Once again, it's the supervisor's fault.  He finally was promoted last year to a job he liked, but a few months later decided he wanted to apply for ANOTHER position.  Oh, and at the same time, decided to interview at a completely different company.  Every time he does this, he comes home and I have to ride the emotional roller coaster ride.  Will he get it?  WHY didn't he get it?  Should he leave the company altogether?  It's so-and-sos fault he didn't get it.  At least it's better than what he used to do; decide to changes jobs without even telliing me.

    Early in our marriage I dealt with the anger outbursts.  Everyone saw him as this happy-go-lucky guy and would never know he had broken our bedroom door one night when he kicked it in (I was 8 months pregnant and had locked him out of our bedroom after he kept telling me he'd be home in an hour and showed up 5 hours later).  We'd fight because I'd think he had driven off the road because he was supposed to be home hours ago...but instead he would've just forgotten to call.  After our second child, he had an affair with a woman at work b/c I wasn't 'attentive' enough to his needs.  I ended up staying with him because I was afraid of trying to raise two babies by myself.  He actually became an outstanding father....partly because he likes to do what they do!  He'll sit on the floor and play Legos for hours.  He draws pictures with them.  Watches cartoons.  They are the center of his universe and I am out in orbit.  And while all this is going on, I'm doing all the chores.  I'm often saying, "Why do YOU get to be the fun parent?"

    Someone wrote their ADHD spouse is a guest at his own party.  That is my husband.  In preparation for a party, he will spend the entire time cleaning the room no one will BE in (the garage) while I run around doing everything else.  He can't cook on the grill because he forgets the food is out there.  I now mow the lawn because I'd rather just have it done than fight about it.  I've found the milk in the cupboard, important mail filed before it's even been opened, we pay hundreds and hundreds of dollars in fees to the bank because he can't balance his many accounts.  I don't bother to ask him if he knows where something is that I set down; he could have put it away two minutes before and not remember.  I've sat in the dark with my kids doing homework by candlelight because he forgot to pay the electric bill.  Practically everything has been turned off at some point because he forgets to pay the bills (and because we have so many bills coming in from all the other houses).  Our home remodel ended up costing over $60,000 more because he kept wanting to add more to the project.  We are in a constant state of stress!  And he wonders why I'm not in the mood for sex??? 

    Even with all of this, we have managed to survive and in the past 6 months we have been able to enjoy being together.  He's still the person who can make me laugh and we have two incredibly thoughtful and caring kids.  We were both commenting that it's the happiest we've been in a long time....and then last week I found out he recently began emotional affairs with TWO different women online.  I was in shock.  When I asked why, he said he didn't even know himself.  Because I don't desire him.  And he's right.  But it's hard to be intimate in the middle of a tornado.

    So, here I am.  Afraid of changing who my children are and will be by breaking up our family, and not sure I have the energy needed to even try to fix this nightmare.  He says he'll go to counseling, but he's not one of those people who is searching for answers.  If he were sitting here he could explain every one of my complaints above.  I would really like to stay with him, but if we can't find the help we need, I don't think I can go on any more like this.  I am emotionally and financially exhausted.  Help.

     

  • I just can't trust my ADD wife of 15 years anymore - is it over for us? by: addspouse 15 years 7 months ago

    I have been the spouse of just over 15 years to a wife with ADHD.  Like all of the other stories I read, when we dated, all was great.  When we got married it all changed...immediately.  I found out a month after we got married that she had been sleeping with my best friend while we dated and were engaged, and the weeks before we got married, she said she slept with several men to get "it" out of her system.  She had numerous flings during our first 4 years of marriage and now that I look back, I was too young, insecure, and depressed to deal with it.  She promised me (after she was caught each time) that it was anything more than just flirting or just kissing, or the occasional heavy petting but never intercourse.  Any attempts to talk to her ended in her crying, wishing she was dead, shutting me out emotionally, or blaming me for constantly bringing up the past.  All of this is in addition to the constant daily distractions, not completing simple tasks,  not cleaning or cooking (even if I begged or plead), not taking care of the children properly and not even taking care of her own personal hygiene, including her monthly feminine hygiene needs.  I had to take on everything to make a family work.  She would tell me to please be patient with her but never could get past square one. 

    She is my wife and the only person who I want to be with for the rest of my life, but as much as I love and miss her now, and need her with me, I can't trust her.  I know of, and she has admitted to, approximately 6 times in the beginning of our marriage alone where her loyalties and affections were aimed at another man over a period of time - usually old classmates or old teenage boyfriends or co-workers, but she chose to stay with me each time (gee, thanks).  I now know that those were behaviors brought on by the symptoms of ADHD - that need for attention and stimulation but it still hurts badly.  I went through years of thinking it was me - that I was doing something wrong.  I blamed myself a lot.  She always said that I had not done anything emotionally, physically, or financially to cause her to look elsewhere.  I am confident in my abilities to provide for her and to satisfy her sexually, and she claims that she only wants to be with me intimately, but if sex is the only part of the marriage that actually works - at some point even that's not enough to sustain true happiness and I feel guilty that this is all that we can do together now.  She was diagnosed with adult ADD a few years ago and has been on and off of medication.  Even when she took meds she changed for a minute and then reverted back to her old habits.  Her self esteem is lower each year than before and I can't risk losing the confidence I building in myself to try to raise our daughters.  

    I have noticed lately there have been two Facebook relationships in the past year - those who have experienced this know exactly what I'm talking about - she accidentally leaves her page logged in and there all these messages from guys and her flirting back and forth.  I am now just getting over the past hurts from over 8 years ago.  After finding out about the last one I decided that we had to live in two different houses, so she is living with her parents.  I am trying to keep our daughters on the regular routine as much as possible in our home. Her mother seems to do everything for them when they visit (cook, clean, clothing, etc) and my wife is showing little signs of improvement - and they see for themselves now that she is very distracted and unable to complete simple tasks in the midst of this crisis.  I am sensitive to my wife's problems and it hurts me to see her cry for me and the children and tell me how much she loves us, but after the tears are dried, she goes directly to sleep, goes directly to eat, looks blindly at TV, or surfs the net for hours into the night and she can't find the motivation to really start change.  This has gone on for over 15 years.  She can't hold down a job because either she quits, gets fired, or battles the urge to be the "buddy" and not concentrate on getting the job done.  I am mentally exhausted and wondering if it will ever get any better. 

    I can live with my wife having ADHD (for better or worse, in sickness and in health), but these symptoms of ADHD lead to her need for attention and she says that she has issues with separating platonic relationships from infatuations and affection.  She told me that she was molested as a child, and is scared to even talk about it all these years later.  I don't know by whom (I think it is a family member and he still coming around now) or how long it took place.  All I know is that the ADHD has led to behaviors that have weakened my marriage.  Am I fighting a lost cause by trying to help her through this?  She has agreed to see a psychiatrist.  Should I give this one more try.  What if it happens again?

     

  • Confusion by: Lauren_1 15 years 7 months ago

    I am not married, but this is the only site where I felt everyone understood what each other was going through. I have been with my partner a mere 7 months. Sounds crazy that I find it diffucult already doesnt it? But, yes. I have. I feel so unloved at times, he is the most confusing person i have ever met. I have spent hours crying at this behaviour.

    Once, he asked me if we could meet up after work for sex. I told him that this wasnt possible as it wasnt exactly the best time of the month for me. He then asked if I would 'plesure him'. I agreed. We talked about it for a while and he suggested that I dress up for him. I wasnt exactl keen on the idea as I was tired but of course, I agreed. AS ALWAYS. I spent 6 hours getting ready, showered, tan, the works. it had hit 9 o clock and there was no sign of him so I rang, he then told me that he 'couldnt be bothered' and that he wanted to watch the football. This made me feel so stupid and worthless. I had spent all this time getting myself all pretty for him and he didnt care. So, after I explained how hurt I was he arrived down to my house to apologise...Well, thats what he said but once he knew what I was wearing he was very obviously wanting me to do him a 'favour' rather than him apologising. I dont exactly know how it happened but he ended up turning it all around on me and i apologised! Crazy? yes. when i refused to engage in pleasuring him he snapped at me, told me i had hurt his pride and that he was going to get 'it' else where 'if i knew what he meant'. I just dont understand! I told him that I felt very stupid for spending such a long time getting ready when he was more interested in football and that the moment had past and i didnt feel sexy or attractive anymore. this didnt work and he again repeatedly told me i had hurt his pride. I told him that he had destroyed my confidence, he relpied 'good'.

    this is only one way that he has made my confidence drop. I used to have bucket loads. but now it seems that my life revolves around him, my friends think i am an idiot and that im 'undr his thumb' but unfortuantley its true. I love him and so I put up with this behaviour. Of course, I have tried to change it, he always apologises and tells me that he wil have more respect for me etc etc.. but wrds are cheap, and his mosr certainly are.

    Im only 18. Life shouldnt be difficult like this at my age should it? I dont know what to do, i know i dont have the strength to leave him. I dnt want to leave him.

    Compared to alot of the stories that i have read on here i feel quite silly at mine. It is nowhere near as bad as what some of you have to deal with. But, I feel like i have had to mature so much. I feel married.

    I used to be so happy, out going, a party girl! The 'crazy, fun loving, exciting' girl that always managed to make sure everyone had a brilliant night out.

    Now I am a carer. I look after him, i love him, I clean for him, cook for him, put up with his anger, cry an unhealthy amount, iv neglected my friends an my responsibilites to attend to him. He is literally my focus all of the time. I feel hurt, used and abused. but I stay. Why?

    I want to spend my life with this man. hes 21. but why?

    And now here i go defending him. He is loving and caring when he wants to be. he'll send me romantic messages, tell me he loves me more than anything, spend time and money on me and laugh and joke with me. But he can turn so quickly.

    I dont know what to do..

    I only want to help him.

     

    am i being a childish 18 year old girl with no clue? Or, am I getting very upset at problems that are minimal? I just dont know anymore.

  • Trying to keep my marriage by: DJSPIN 15 years 7 months ago

    I am a husbant with ADHS and it is driving a wedge between my family and me.  I have just recently found out that I have this.  Now I am taking meds. for this.  However, my wife seems like it is not helping and the communication is just not there for her eather.  She needs to talk at night and I am normaly tired at the end of the day.  She wants me to sit there and look at her for the whole time.  I can not do this with out getting sleepy eyes as she calls it.  I really do not want this to happen and i try hard but when i start to walk and keep myself awake she gets mad.  I don't know what to do.  Need help and fast marriage is failing fast and I have many onther things to fix but this one would be the best benafit for both of use to fix now.  looking for some guidance on this for i have many other faults but going to do this one at a time and I hope that me now use this site and other people that are going throught this also will not only help me but them also.  

  • NEW FORUM AREA by: MelissaOrlov 15 years 7 months ago

    We've just posted a new forum area to which we hope you will contribute - "What Gives You Hope".  Quite a few people on this site have noticed that a lot of what gets said is negative because people who seek the site out are often really suffering.  Yet people do make real progress in their ADD relationships...so we wanted people to be able to post about it here.  What has helped you?  What does "progress" look like in your relationship?  What gives you hope?  Your ideas will help many people, so don't be shy!

  • I think my husband has ADHD but he won't talk about it by: lesliem27 15 years 7 months ago

    My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for 4.  I am a teacher and have been educated on the aspects of ADHD and have always felt that my husband exhibits all of the signs.  Anytime I try to talk to him he gets very angry and feels that I am only saying these things to hurt his feelings.  I am really worried about him, especially now that we have a 2 month old son.  Our marriage and relationship are greatly suffering because of his condition.  I am desprately seeking advice on how to approach this delicate topic with him so that we can get the help he greatly needs.

  • A step in the right direction by: jgsmom 15 years 7 months ago

      Hello Everyone!

      My ADD husband and I had a good day Friday. A bit of a breakthrough occurred and I wanted to share it with you all because sometimes I read these posts and knowing that you all understand my situation is of great comfort. However, sometimes it makes me feel like I am in a situation that will never change or that the odds are stacked against us. So I would like to suggest that a new category is created for positive comments, sharing little breakthroughs, things that happen that give us hope that we can make these relationships work and find happiness together. Here is my little tidbit.

      My ADD husband is extremely judgmental and has a very hard time understanding someone else's perception/opinion if it is not like his own. He has had trouble with me, friends, family and co-workers as a result. One of our big arguments was over whether or not it was a good idea to co-sleep with our infant daughter Julia. I really felt like it was a good idea, I read literature on both sides of the argument and coupled it with my mothers intuition, Julia was so much more peaceful and slept so much better when she was in bed with me. He was uncompromising in his position, would not even read the literature I provided for him or do the research on his own to try and understand my position or even to build an argument against it. Finally, after a long battle I began transitioning her to her crib. Fast forward a few months, Friday we were at a friends wedding where coincidentally a conversation with a few friends started about how much they love co-sleeping with their children and on the way home that night my husband said " I need to apologize to you, you were right about co-sleeping, and I am so sorry for not being more open to your ideas." Furthermore, he added " and you can bring this situation up to me in the future when I am not being open/considerate of your ideas and opinions." You could have knocked me over with a feather!!! I instantly began crying as a said "You have no idea how much it means to me to hear you apologize and say this, it makes me feel like maybe my feelings and opinions will finally carry a bit of weight with you, that there is a possibility of a real partnership." As we continued talking about the events that occurred that night I brought up that I overheard one of his co-workers Bill say, "yeah, me and Rick have come a long way." I thought that was peculiar as I know that Rick cannot stand Bill, that he thinks he is incompetent and basically trash, he is always complaining about how he has to set Bill straight (even though Rick has no authority over Bill) and he really gives Bill a hard time. So when I ask Rick about this comment Bill made he said "Yeah, I think I have resigned to the fact that Bill is Bill and that I just have to accept him for who he is." Again! You could have knocked me over with that feather!! I hoped but never thought that I would see the day where Rick would stop trying to force Bill and most of the rest of us to do things his way  and be open to the idea that his way is not always the only way.

     So today I am feeling hopeful!! I am hoping that this way of thinking, being more open minded and accepting, will continue and help us to form a true, mutually respectful and loving relationship. A step in the right direction to be sure!! Praise God!!

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