I would really like to hear from non-ADD spouses who experience what I call "meltdowns" from their ADD wives or husbands.  Actually, uncontrolled nuclear fission culminating in a nuclear explosion is the better analogy.  I've seen the phrase "walking on eggshells" throughout this site.  That's how I live.  Actually, it's more like walking through a minefield.  In talking with my wife, I know that at any moment she may take something I say the wrong way, or take it personally, or "mis hear" what I say ("hear" me say things I didn't actually say - scary!) and then fly into a rage.  The insults and yelling and screaming begin and it's like dealing with the Tasmanian Devil.  When this happens and I try to walk away, my wife follows me and keep on attacking.  Or she'll wait a little while and pick up right where she left off, oblivious to my efforts to defuse the situation.  Finally, I lose my temper and fight back.  Then, she attacks me for my own angry words, all the while ignoring what drove me over the edge in the first place, i.e., her meltdown!

This happened recently the week before the California Bar Exam.  Knowing that a meltdown was possible, (it always is with ADD), I told my wife, "No meltdowns this week.  I don't care if I'm unreasonable.  No meltdowns.  Please, not this week."  Incredibly, she did it anyway when I took a call from her son's father's wife, who called to say the dad, who lives in the UK, had been arrested.  I took the call because I thought my wife would want to know.  My wife considers this woman Satan incarnate, however, and she (my wife) flew into a rage because I had.  I spent the next three days defending myself against outrageous accusations of disloyalty for doing so.  She screamed, yelled, attacked my character, all at a time when I needed to be focused on the single most stressful event a person can go through.  To this day my wife still thinks she was entirely reasonable during all of this.

This type of rage has happened before.  It's like she turns from this sweet person into a MONSTER in a flash.  Later, she blames me for the meltdown, usually accusing me of "not listening" and that if I had, she wouldn't have t gotten so upset.  Does this sound familiar to anybody else out there?

I truly have come to the end of my rope.

I have tried for seven years to get my husband to seek help for his ADD.  Despite a psychiatrit's diagnosis, he believes he is "managing " just fine.  I have tried the soft sell.  I have tried the hard sell.  I have tried the ultimatum.  I was diagnosed with ADD 5 years ago and have done pretty well on medication along with therapy.  My husband says, "Just because you have ADD, doesn't mean that I do."

Except, he does!  He procrastinates, fidgets, zones out, forgets things, can't wait in line, has become addicted to pornography, takes risky short cuts, has has lost a job, never acknowledges milestones, lacks empathy and perception and compassion.  We live from crisis to crisis. If he didn't have a secretary, he would never be employed.) He does not see his part in these crises or rationalizes or justifies his behavior.  

He does not believe his addiction is linked to untreated ADD.  He tried a 12 step program but has decided that is not for him and has his "demons" under control. This is very scary to me.   

I'm sitting here in tears now because he has once again promised me that NOW he will focus on our marriage - the issues at the office have been cleared up.  He has his addiction "under control." He wants us to have intimacy and promises to work on empathy.  

I read an earlier post by Melissa that stated, "if nothing changes, nothing changes" and it reminded me of the definition of insanity -- doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results!

I feel like I live on a roller coaster.  Someone correct me if I am wrong.... you can't just try harder and then be empathetic!  In addition, we can't have intimacy if there is no empathy or compassion.

My husband gets angry at me because I react when he forgets something important to me.  He says, "shame isn't healthy for me" and uses it as an excuse to move to the couch.  He then says my anger is holding us back from intimacy.  But let's go back to the beginning..... as my spouse, he is responsible for remembering an anniversary date (just a small example).  My angry or frustrated response is natural.  His neglect or irresponsibility is holding us back from intimacy.

I'm so confused.  He has me believing that my hurtful reactions to his lack of accountability or irresponsibility have caused the deterioration of our marriage.  He does not see how negatively his ADD is affecting us.  In the first place, he neglects or forgets something, but then later his defensiveness causes a "double-whammy."

I am so tired.  I am so demoralized.  I am feeling very trapped.  Another question I have is what is the connection between an over-inflated ego or lack of humility and ADD?   His unwillingness to even explore if his ADD is causing major problems for our marriage seems so arrogant.  It is as if he is above reproach.  

Finally, my husband just is unwilling to understand how his ADD and struggle with addiction have really made me feel so unsafe - so insecure in our life together.  I worry what shoe is going to drop next?  I do this from experience! In another post by Melissa I was reading about basic needs and it was very insightful because when a person's basic needs go unmet, it is impossible to live without tension and anxiety.

I recognize his behavior is our of my control.  I can only change myself.  But how can one come to accept this way of life?  

I have given up a career to stay at home with our sons. I can't just jump into the workforce and make what my husband is making to support myself.  However, staying here is killing me.  It really is.  I'm so frustrated.  He claims I have drawn a line in the sand with threats of divorce, but really, he is the one that has drawn the line in the sand because he is not willing to explore his part in all this.

Any words of wisdom?

We're a blended family. My partner with ADD and his two girls (12 and 17) and me and my son (14) and daughter (16) moved in together about 6 months ago. The children get on really well, we all do. Lately though my partner has been very strict on my son - and is driving my son crazy - he has very high expectations of my son and my son can't do eneough to please him. My son up until now has done everything he has been able to to be understanding about my partner's ADD, but he has had enough and wants to move out. They had a big argument the other night over some ridiculous thing that my partner misunderstood and he said very mean and nasty things to my son. I wasn't there at the time. So, my son wants to leave, I can't let him go on his own, if he goes I go....a deal breakerl...the family is over. My ADD-partner won't budge, he says it's going to be his way, one way or the other (whatever the hell that means). Have tried talking to my partner but i just get the silent treatment when it comes to my son. He's backing me into a corner - of which there is only one way out.

Can anyone offer assistance, maybe in a similar situation?

I am new to this site and am wavering between relief (that I'm not the only one going through this and that I'm NOT crazy) and despair (that people with many more years of marriage under their belts are continuing to struggle).

Some background first: I have ADHD, never medicated and not actually diagnosed until I was 22, although it was suspected since I was very young. I have always been rather high functioning -- I did very well in school and figured out early on how to compensate for my tendency of being disorganized by becoming OVERLY-organized. My mother, also ADHD, is the same way; my sister, ADHD too, is also high functioning, but has always struggled a little more with inattention. We are a high-achieving family, very close and supportive, and open to talking about any issue. My mother, sister, and I also have depression -- diagnosed and treated since we were young and closely followed by psychiatrists. We are very open in my family in talking about mental health issues. I guess you could say I'm ambitious as well -- I have 2 master's degrees and a doctorate in psychology.

My husband and I have been married for 11 months, but have been together for 5 years. He comes from a blue-collar background - no higher education in his family. Also, his family is very closed off -- they interact, but superficially. There is NO discussion about anything of substance, such as mental health or emotions. For example, his father is seriously clinically depressed, but refuses to even acknowledge the possibility, let alone get treatment for it. My husband dropped out of school at 16 and got his GED because he "hated school." He is clearly very intelligent, given that he passed without studying at all. He didn't get any further education (which now limits him in job choices). He left his parents' home at 18 and went to live with his older brother where he worked an 8 hour job then came home and played computer games all night. He stopped taking care of himself, ate pizza and drank coke for all meals (because he knew the delivery guy), didn't socialize, spent money irresponsibly (put a fancy stereo system in his car, but didn't get dental care, resulting in a moutful of rotten teeth which we have spent THOUSANDS of dollars on fixing and his teeth still need more work; got his car reposessed at age 28, which is still affecting our credit). By the time we met, he had corrected a lot of that (paid off the car, moved out of his brother's house), but still didn't act how I would think an adult man should -- for example, he didn't even have a bank account.

I was ok with that at first because at my prompting, he changed some things -- he got a better job, opened a bank account, etc. However, I very quickly realized he had dyslexia - hence his dislike for school and his dropping out at 16 (I still cannot believe that it went undiagnosed until he was 30, but I guess with parents who aren't educated about it, they didn't notice) and Bipolar II. Since being together, he has gone through periods of hating his job, hating his coworkers; periods where he was always in a foul mood, snappish and argumentative, where he would lose his temper without provocation. There was even a period when he got laid off, then made very little to no effort to find another job, sank into pretty deep depression, and either sat on the couch watching TV or playing his computer game every day, not helping around the house. There were times where I tried to break off our relationship/engagement, giving him the ultimatum of getting treatment and getting back on track or me leaving. Thankfully, he got treatment and has been on mood stabilizers and anti-depressants under the care of his doctor. His mood has improved and there have been no more depressed periods. He is employed full time and even took one of our long discussions to heart and has improved in helping with chores and in taking care of some obligations.

However, I notice that he still lacks motivation and/or ambition. This is especially hard for me, given how driven I am. He SAYS he wants a house, a career (not just a job), a better education, and to be a good father when we have kids, but I don't see the follow-through. He doesn't save money. He doesn't look into things, like how to buy your first home. He doesn't even follow-through when I looked up how to buy your first home and asked him to read the information! So is this a lack of real motivation and he's just saying what he thinks I want to hear, or is it a true lack of follow-through? Or does he just lack the knowledge about HOW to follow-through? He can usually follow the steps if someone outlines them for him, but I'm tired of being the one to tell him what to do all the time. I'm not his mother! I can't understand that if he wants to go to college, why he can't contact the school for more information, look on the internet for information on degrees and classes, etc. on his own, without my prompting him or hounding him, or standing behind his shoulder!!! He is also completely unorganized and the most forgetful person I've ever met. I swear, he'd forget his own head if it wasn't connected to his body!!! For example, we just relocated to another state and he is applying for jobs. However, he lost his resume -- he had to have his mother (keep in mind that he is 35 years old) -- HIS MOTHER -- email his resume to him. He also forgot his cell phone (the only one he has as we don't have a land line) at a friend's house (out of state), so they will have to mail it to him. He can't keep track of important things, like car titles, insurance information, or his own birth certificate. He forgets to do things, even with a list or reminders or post-it notes. I'll send him to the grocery store and he'll come home with completely different things because he doesn't take the time to look at what he's buying (bought orange juice in a carton instead of milk, etc). Sometimes I'll come home in the evening when he's had the day off, and the dogs haven't been fed and have no water in their bowls. Maybe it's unreasonable, but I'm terrified that I'll come home one day in the future and our children will have been taken by Social Services because he forgot to feed them or forgot to pick them up or lost them somewhere!

I'm really becoming more and more resentful about having to be the responsible one. It's getting to the point that I can't keep rude or derogatory comments to myself anymore and I'm even saying them in front of others! I hate myself for being ugly and disrespectful! I feel like a b**** all the time, which makes me even more resentful. I'm so unhappy. I don't know what to do.