Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Job Loss # 10 by: gracie 15 years 8 months ago

    There he was agian, for the tenth time in our four year marriage, standing in the door a box under his arm, with a  fearful expression on his face...I knew what he was about to say. At that moment I remained calmed gave him a hug and told him every thing would be ok...it's just a job, you'll find another,  like before.

    That was Good Friday, today is Monday, and Im not standing so strong any more. I am afraid how are we going to pay for every thing. He was fired so he will not recieve a lay off package, he only has a 2 week pay check coming, and we live pay check to pay check. I am out of commission because I broke two ribs in a car accident (he was driving) 5 weeks ago. I know he will find another job and I know my ribs will heal and I'll be back to work...but I fear the future. Is this what Im to expect for the rest of our lives? All ways wondering when the shoe will drop.This last job was a very good one, It was his "fit" doing what he loved. What happend...I thought thats all he needed, was a good fit. Will his adhd always put us in the unemployment line? 

    I wouldnt be so up set... but this is the tenth job. Out of the ten, one was a true layoff and another he quit, but the rest he got fired. Bills go unpayed, he wont let me assume the role of the bill payer in our home, even though I have a better bill paying history then himself. He continues to purchase things that we dont need, he gets traffic tickets all the time. When we married 4 years ago, we made ajoint account at the bank like most couples, there was an over draft for us to use ,I did not touch it. Then one day out of the blue the bank calls me and asks  when I intend to repay all the money that was taken out. My husband took out all the money, to this day I dont know what he used the money for,he says just to live on. The repayment of the overdraft  fell into my hands because my signiture was the first on the bank contract, that made me liable, even though he took it!  Thus far he has only payed me back a portion of it because hes always out of work.

    The stress in our home is so high. I'm fustrated most of the time, angry the rest. My family and friends wont come over any more because he says whatever comes to his head, most times its a put down of some kind . He says he doesnt mean to say things that up set folks.  I feel alone.He dosent make love to me any more, hes lost about 15-20 pounds since hes been on the drugs.(first Adarall then Concerta) He loses at lest one impotrant thing a day,walet, keys, money, tax returns....

    Before we married I had a good strong, stable life. I work hard to get it this way. After going through a difficult divorce the first time,I spent 10 years getting my head on straight in therapy, single mom counseling, I went back to school ect...,in that time I bought houses, a car, worked... never getting fired,payed my bills on time and did this all being a single mom. Now my life seems to have turned upside down, I feel out of control. Please dont think I dont love him, I do I feel bad about his condition, and want to be there for him but when will things stablize when does the joy come and the stress stop...some time I just want to leave and get back the peace I used to have.

    We have been to marriage counsling, three diffrent ones they dont work because the adhd is not adressed, where we live there is no such therapy. There is cousling for just him and his adhd, and he has a Dr. that sees his once in awhile and gets his meds. Ive thought about a life coach, I dont know if there is one out there that know's how to work with the special problems that adult adhd brings,and my mounting anger. and of course there is no money...so we have to wait.

  • Beginning dialogue by: David 15 years 8 months ago

    I think this could be a great source of info and sharing once we get posters here.

    I have a seven year old son who has severe ADHD. I'm his da and also have ADD - making things more complicated ( or interesting!).

    Anyone else here also have children with ADD?

    =======================================================

    Singularity shows something wrong in the mind

                                                                - Erica Jong

     

     

  • I need help. by: totally clueless 15 years 8 months ago

    I am trying to figure out what has happened in my relationship and need some advice. My husband left me at the end of March. This came as a total shock to me and to everyone around us. My husband up until a few days before he left was telling me how much he loved me and how I was his motivation. In the recent past, he has lost a job, lost a car he had bought, and when almost getting another job had a setback due to needing his high school diploma. He has since decided he wants to only be responsible for himself. He says that if he doesn't have a job or a car that as long as it only affects him that is okay. He now says he feels like I am more a mother than a wife to him due to the endless nagging and such due to his inability to remember anything. We discussed the fact a long time ago that he possibly could have ADD. He shows so many signs. He can't remember things unless they are important to him. He promises things then has a hard time delivering. Cleaning and most household chores are started and rarely finished. He starts out with a bang and then it just fizzles. He is currently living at a friend's gym. Has been out of the house for 3 weeks and still does not have a job. He is waiting on two that he has almost had for quite some time. He does the occasional computer tech job for cash and this is what he is living on. I have started therapy and I would love to get him in to see someone and see if he possibly needs to be medicated. Someone help me out and tell me what I need to do.

  • please help - at the end of my rope by: seafolly3 15 years 8 months ago

    I am absolutely astonished by this weekend's events. As I sit here and write this, I can feel my shoulder muscles coiling up into that tense position where it feels like they sit by my ears and I don't know whether I am numb or want to cry. I was diagnosed with ADD 11 years ago and with medication and humanistic/behavioural therapy have come to a place where I feel that I have the skills where potentially I could have things somewhat under control with minimal struggle. My husband is a different story and has driven me to a place where I am not sure how to put my feet on the floor tomorrow morning. I am absolutely shattered - I have a mountain of work staring me in the face and I am so upset I can barely move, nevertheless meet all of my deadlines and obligations.

    Because I didn't always travel the path of least resistance, as I am sure many of you will relate to, I am a bit behind schedule on my life goals. In an attempt to rectify the past and progress in a positive direction, I am working full time and going to school with 3 courses this semester, as well as carry my fair share (all) of household duties, aspire to exercise a bit and perhaps have a bit of time for relaxation and hobbies. School and work things alone have me at functional workload capacity. I cannot remember the last time that I was no so pressed for time that I had to choose between shaving my legs or drying my hair. The last meal that didn't come out of tupperware eaten at a desk or in the car is a distant memory. I would expect that my husband would see that I am stretched and pick up some of the slack, but in reality that is only a dream and reality is a nightmare.

    My husband was diagnosed with ADHD 15 years ago and on a drug therapy, but never supported by therapy for more than a few sessions here and there. He is a medical professional and holds the opinion that any humanistic/behavioural therapy is just a big love-in waste of time and the only way it works is if you "buy in" to it and he doesn't. However, he is more than happy to spout off advice at me "as a clinician." A large source of our conflict is I am not keen to take advice on how I should run my life from a man who in the last 6 months has nearly lost his job, gambled away money we did not have to splurge to the tune of $50,000 and has not picked up a dish, paid a bill, done a chore, etc without prompting. I have afforded him with every resource money can buy to help get him organised, the harped on him for a few months until I felt like my head would explode because he just had no interest and then gave up. His answer is always the same, "If I don't create it myself, I just don't remember." However, the suggestion of making a list is met with grumbles and mumbles and if by some miracle the list gets mad, the list gets lost - or he will do a few things on the list and get sidetracked, too tired or very often, simply chooses to do puzzle books and play video games instead.

    We constantly live from crisis to crisis. He also hides things to the point that the trust in our relationship has essentially been destroyed. One of the biggest, he was having problems at work for about 8 months before I found out about it; the point at which point I found out the conversation revolved around the fact that we could not continue to live overseas in Europe past the end of this contract because his employer was not renewing his contract for the following year due to his not following his professional development plan. His answer was, "Well, I have ADD and they give me a plan and don't follow up with me, so I'm not to blame." Thank goodness through my professional connections and some begging, I was able to secure  a contract for him at another location that did not involve moving over an ocean. At that point, the remorse and tears came flowing and I thought there was potential for a change. This new environment is very supportive of his needs and is really helping develop professionally, so that is good, but now it's the rest.

    He teeters on the edge of what I call a gambling addiction. It was heavy steady for about a year where he lost a substantial sum we did not have to lose, which nearly resulted in our demise. Since then, there have been several incidents to the tune of a few thousand dollars, which is better, but still money we do not have to burn. He does not admit to having a problem, "It's just how he relaxes" and when he has lost the money and I have questioned it, he gets teary eyed and remorseful saying he thought he could win it back. He just doesn't see the blatantly obvious.

    We are in debt up to our eyeballs mostly because of his impulse spending and inability to follow up on things which then spawns late fees and interest charges. We keep separate bank accounts, but as he is the "breadwinner" I am unable to meet all of our financial obligations with my salary. For a time, I had access to both accounts via the Internet, but he freaked out and said he felt like a child with that arrangement and he would pay certain bills out of his accounts. Things lapsed, bad credit accrued. I'd be surprised if he could get a long distance plan with his credit rating. This is all complicated by the fact that as we are expatriates, we do not have debt consolidation options, lines of credit or other financial tools to help dig us out of this hole other than to figure out which minimum payment or bill skipped will do the least damage.

    To further complicate matters, he also has an obsession with an online game that has become a major problem in our lives. Recently, on his birthday, I came home after class with a cake, wine and a lovely dinner. I laid it out on the table and yelled upstairs for him to come join me; I was really excited because I had scrimped, saved and taken advantage of recession airline prices to plan a lovely island getaway weekend to celebrate his birthday. I wedged the tickets into a guide book for the area and wrapped them up - thinking it would be a lovely surprise. After two hours, I took his gifts and a piece of cake up to him because it was too engrossed in a mission with his online pals to come downstairs. I stood there thinking that anyone with a birthday gift in front of them would open it, but his hands were too busy fighting computer generated monsters. When I prompted him, he ripped through it without even looking and responded with a very fake smile about how lovely the book was. It wasn't until three days later when I told him I was uncomfortable with the e-tickets in his bag everyday that he realised what he had actually gotten for his birthday. I suppose I should be happy he was at least carrying around the book, but it was a real kick in the teeth.

    It seems he has a compulsion for this game and it doesn't matter what else is going on if his group is doing something he needs to be online. He has been known to stay up for days at a time and I suspect he is using his Ritalin in an improper fashion, as he as "borrowed" from my script without permission from time to time. With only one internet connection, I have found myself sacrificing research time for my studies, so he can play the game. He tells me all the time that I don't understand how the game works and that I can't set time limits for him because he cannot predict how long a mission will take and he is working in tandem with a group of 40 other people that he cannot just walk away from. Kinda crummy that he will have that sense of commitment to people he has never met, but the person who feeds him and keeps him in clean underwear gets the shaft. We have tried numerous "methods" of cutting down the game time, but then he sneaks, or throws a fit or "5 more minutes" me to death.

    We have come to blows over these situations a few times, most recently two nights ago. After a knock-down, drag-out argument where I basically expressed that I was on the verge of filing for divorce yesterday morning, he called to apologise and then came home from work to find me I at my desk working on a research paper. The first words out of his mouth were "Can I have the Wifi for a mission?" No apologises for his actions, no hellos or hugs & kisses, just a sense of urgency to meet up with a group of people online.

    I didn't react well to this, I will admit. When I started to get upset, it was a floodgate being open: all of the anger and frustration about dirty tissues all over the house, squalor (which is being kind) in his office, all of the past hurts of not considering my feelings the nights he went out with friends the one night our schedules allowed us to be home together that month, the birthday incident, all of the solo dinners due to the computer game came raging out. He couldn't understand that it was a cumulative hurt and that was why I was so angry. He fixated on the fact that I was completely overreacting to him asking to have the modem. This happens quite often when we have talks about our situation; he can only see the most present events and doesn't understand that things build up and wear me down.

    Today is a perfect example of a "day in the life" and why I am at the end of my rope. We woke up and he made his breakfast leaving bread crumbs and gobs of jam all over the counter top accentuated by leaving the milk and butter out. Dirty dishes left as he lies on the couch to watch TV while I go over and clean up from the breakfast preparations and begin to scrape some sort of cheesy tomato sauce goo from the bench top and ceiling (I kid you not) from some midnight snack debacule. While I am doing so, I suggest he go and get and his planner so we can go over a list of things he needed to do today. I was met with grumbles and mumbles about how he had to go to work tonight, so he should not be expected to "work" all day. I set a timer and 30 minutes later suggested that he should go shower and get going for the day. 45 minutes later, I yell into the bathroom where he got sidetracked doing a puzzle book and was screamed at for being a nag. I tried to stay calm and suggested that while he was in the bathroom it could really use a once over (despite my cleaning it well four days ago at midnight after I got home from class) as it was disgusting by any standards. An hour later, he emerges proclaiming the bathroom was clean and sauntered out onto the balcony to finish his puzzle book page. I was downstairs cleaning up the daily messes and the entire time he is yelling down from the balcony that I really should get a move on my school work and the work I brought home from the office. I tried to explain to him that I could use some help and that if I didn't do this, it would never get done. He gave some lip service about helping and flopped down on the bed and started reading a book shouting something about how I was procrastinating and he knew all about procrastination.

    I poked my head into the bathroom to see what he had done - the pile of clothes that was on the bathroom floor was moved outside of the bathroom door into the hallway next to the hamper, there were old disgusting grapes next to the toilet (I have no idea), dried snot smeared on the toliet paper holder, the floor was still dirty and gunk crusted to the sink, vanity and mirrors. I brought him back in and showed him the mess and asked him to address these issues and told him I was going downstairs to start working on my paper that needed to be turned in shortly. An hour later, he comes downstairs and tells me that he is going to the library to study for an upcoming licensing exam.

    He went off and I started my school work. I rang him to ask him to take a copy of a journal article for me that was not available electronically. He rang back an hour later leaving a voicemail saying he was at the library and they did not have a copy of that journal (which I knew wasn't true, as I had seen it there two days ago). I could hear from the background noise in the message that he was in the car with the windows open, which means he wasn't in the library. When he didn't turn up for another three hours, I rang his cell phone again which went straight to voicemail. I rang the library front desk and had a friend who works there look for him and she said she had not seen him all day. The funny thing was, I am sure she thinks he is having an affair, but I knew better - he was hiding out in an internet cafe playing his online game despite me telling him that I had about a week's worth of office work, two papers and an exam to prepare for in addition to the house being in a bit of a state and numerous household paperwork things that needed looking after.

    Quite frankly, if I didn't live halfway around the world from any "safe haven" and know that I would have a hell of a time getting a job in this economic climate, I am almost at the point where I would pack my bags. I often wonder if that is the only reason I am still here. When he came home, I got a half hearted apology with the rationalisation that he didn't want to fight over his wanting to play the game and he didn't go to the library because he didn't want to study.

    Like I said, I am just at the end of my rope and I am so upset by this it is paralyzing me. I am so busy with school and work that I have no me time; I can't remember the last time I went to the gym and I really think my stress level is beginning to effect my health. Every three weeks or so, I get so tense, I have to drag myself in for an adjustment and my massage therapist constantly comments about how I am crippling myself. Despite my best efforts, I am still struggling with my ADD and managing my work load. I just can't do it all and I don't know what to do because if I don't, it will get so out of control it will be unimaginable.

    Please help. Any advice, anything is much appreciated.

  • I have no sexual desire for ADHD husband by: islandmother2002 15 years 8 months ago

    This is the first time I've posted.  My husband has ADHD.  We discovered this after my son was diagnosed.  The issue is that I am simply exhausted all the time picking up and organizing everything for the two of them. They help and do their best, but frankly, it's not enough.  I'm also tired of always having to repeat myself, always having to give "gentle reminders," and constantly ask them to "let me finish before you start interrupting!"  I'm tired, tired, tired!  They are on medication and are gentle and well-meaning.  Well-meaning isn't enough. 

    I know that lumping my husband and son in the same familial category is probably the problem - but since he is incapable of sharing responsibilities with me -- the lines are drawn.

    While I still love my husband very much, I have no sexual desire for him.  Sex is just one more thing I have to do for him, one more chore.  He does not understand that he is a high-maintainence spouse.  He thinks he is no work at all.  He is upset by my disinterest in sex and claims we lack "intimacy."  For him "intimacy" = "sex"... no difference.  I've tried to talk to him about what intimacy is to me.  That it's a quality in a relationship where you feel validation and understanding in who you are and who they are - acceptance of that, and true reciprocity and empathy.  Not possible here.   

    He only knows who I am through what I tell him - and even then he forgets.    He often confuses past events with previous girlfriends - as events that happened with me...  (These were previous relationships that ended no earlier than 10 years ago!)  He says it was a slip and does not understand why this upsets me to the degree that it does.  There are a lot of slips.  He's confused photos of my son's classmates with my (and HIS) actual son!  When I pointed it out, he said they have the same type of hair.....  Isn't part of familial intimacy to recognize who the others in the family are ?!?! I could go on and on.....

    I don't want to divorce, but I don't want sex either.  I don't know what to do as the self-effacing demands are driving me crazy.

  • Hygiene Issues? by: Sueann 15 years 8 months ago

    Does anyone else have hygiene issues with their ADD loved ones? When I met my husband at 40 years old most of his teeth had fallen out. (He's not diabetic.) He swore he brushed his teeth every day, but seemed surprised that I do it after every meal.

    I pushed him to go ahead and get dentures, now I can't get him to clean them. I can't tell you how much of a turn-off it is to kiss him and get some of last night's dinner in my mouth.

    My daughter, who I am convinced has ADD, but hasn't been diagnosed (her father is my first husband.) never brushed her teeth after the age a mom should be reminding her either, and now needs thousands of dollars worth of crowns, etc.

    I can't get my husband to remember his deodorant either, and he picks dirty socks off the floor and wears them.

    Anyway, I understand about personal boundries, but how do I get him to be cleaner? Or am I just supposed to put up with it, like I do everything else?

  • very frustrated with adhd husband, especially over money by: susi78 15 years 9 months ago

    If I could get some insight here on my situation that would be great.  Sometimes...it's just adhd..and sometimes...i wonder if it's just someone who is just selfish and anti-social..  that seems harsh but the following should explain everything.  I don't know what to do now.  I'm trying to weather through this....but stupid things keep happening and when it effects finances...what do you do???  that is what I need suggestions on.  I already am taking over the utilities.

    I have read several of the posts over the months here but not all of them.  I see a theme of people who have add or adhd...who do not pay attention to detail and the non add/adhd partner feeling overwhelmed and/or ignored/unloved, etc.  Right now I am more in the category of feeling overwhelmed.  my husband has adhd and takes medicine for this.  He still struggles. He can be very impulsive, doesn't think ahead as a rule, is generally disorganized, and even though he is good with money...he is very bad with practical matters of paying the pills on time.  (too many times utilities have been shut off...and he has been clueless as to why?!!)  yesterday the check book was in the red by 200 dollars....and he didn't know why... He isn't an addict, etc. We have 80 some accounts and 3 houses...  right now it's overwhelming....  With ADHD...the details are lost to him...yet... 

    He has a high energy job in corporate sales handling multiple million dollar accounts.  So I resent that he can keep charts at work keeping all this organized and yet fails to do this at home, yet he complains all the time his boss micro-manages him...so who knows what really goes on their. 

    This year we had a sheriff at the house and almost lost it.  his impulsive decision last year over a salary negotation almost took away our house.  What was worse was I told him not to take that salary offer.  He makes so much more than me...and we just couldn't keep up with the morgage payments.  He told me he made that decision 7 months after.  (at the time I was very sick and had to be hospitalized...when I got better he told me...)  I still feel betrayed. 

    Like I said, I'm taking over the utilities and checking up to make sure he paid this and that..(it's putting me in a parenting role) it's not good.  however, if I don't do this...than stuff gets shut off.  I"m overwhelmed and starting to loose it myself.  I woke up at 4 something this morning sick to my stomach working about the bills and if he is handling them right.  Cause so many times he drops the ball.  I'm so resentful but mostly scared.  I don't sleep well and we argue constanly now about this.  I'm loosing so much respect and trust with him.  We even talk of divorce.  

  • Hoarding by: witsend 15 years 9 months ago

    My husband and I have been married 16 years.  He is a wonderful man but he brings things home and piles them in a corner saying that they will probably be needed one day.  His piles have spread out.  His car is so full of stuff that he can't even drive it.  We have to use another car.  I am continually cleaning out our back room to make it functional for company.  Our yard is beginning to get out of hand from things and wood that he has accumulated.  I don't know what to do.  He will not go with me to see someone about getting help.  I feel pretty confidant that he has ADD.  But would like for him to be tested.  What do I do about all the clutter?  I feel on the verge of a breakdown.  Should I get someone to help me clean it up.  Or wait for him to come around.  He usually makes excuses for dealing with it and goes and does something he would rather do.  How can I encourage him to quit hoarding. Our ability to communicate fluctuates from farely decent to off the chart.  Any advice  HELP!

  • Feeling disheartened by: kdmccall 15 years 9 months ago

    My husband has been diagnosed as ADHD and has been on meds for about a year. The medication has calmed his anger and frustration but he is still completely detached. When he is home it's as if he isn't even here...he doesn't respond to his name being called, doesn't engage in conversation...he's somewhere else mentally 98% of the time. After all the reading I have done I am realizing that this behavior most likely will never change. I feel sad and lonely, and am really worried that our marriage won't survive this. When I got a married, I wanted to spend my life with my friend and partner. But I don't see that emotional and mental connection ever happening between us. I feel that it is alot to ask for me to give up having that type of marriage. Right now I feel like I just have roommate and I sit waiting for the 2% of the time that he will actually interact with me. I am at a loss as what to do...

  • How to negotiate boundaries? by: Lluna 15 years 9 months ago

    Hello to everybody. I'm new in this phorum and I'm so thankful to find this resource.

    I would like to ask you comments about my questions. First I introduce myself and my situation.

    I have a friend with ADH, I know him since I was 15, now I'm 29 and I can say he is my best friend since then. Now our situation has changed, we're partners. And.... ok some issues have appeared in this new panorama, more of them you have commented in this phorum.

    One thing I have clear, that all love relationships require a 100% of yourself to be in a great way, but with ADH you need to be 200%, and it's not bad, because you're at first being more wonderful person.

    We have different troubles, but at the same time we want to overcome them. But now I have a trouble with him and myself and this is the following:

    Since now he had a good attitude to improve many things, and I admire him. But since we had a little problem with sex he has changed his attitude. He wants to be fine, but he doesn't. He has a frustation, but instead of continuing to be in good attitude to overcome this, he now is more cold, distance and this hurts me so much. Because his cold provocate my sadness. I have also my history, and partners without ADHD have also our internal problems, we're not perfect. And for me to manage his coldness is difficult, because I can work fine with this feeling between us. I know he loves me so much, but now I have this crisis in front of me.

    I don't know if I can negotiate some boundaries, because I know also that he wants, he can change his attitute, he demostrated this during more of 14 years. I'm scared, because I don't know if I'm ready to manage these changes, some weeks he is the best sweety man that I know, and others he is a cold man. When he is in this way I feel as a little baby, and this not contribute to be ok.

    My question is if to negotiate that some breaks in our relationship when this period of cold is between us is ok or not. Because I think that we need to be separate in this period. To tell him that I can't manage his cold it's ok?

    I don't know which is the solution, but your contributions are welcome.

Pages