Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Learning how to Cope...Reminding myself to breathe by: numb73 15 years 8 months ago

    First of all, thank you so much for the opportunity to learn and share with others in my position (non ADD wife). The support and understanding feels extremely comforting.

    My husband and I have been married for 14.5 years. I gave up many, many years ago ever expecting my husband to do chores. I may be the laughing stock of my girlfriends, but I got so sick of fighting. The constant arguement. Even if I was nice as sugar, me asking him to do anything was a problem. So, after about three years of constant fighting and many tears, I quit asking or expecting. If he lifts a finger, I figure it's gravy for me. The rest of the time, I do everything around the house (and now that two of our three kids are old enough, they help out.) The only thing my husband is responsibile for is the lawn and anything huge outside that I can't do myself or afford to hire done. I am blessed to be able to stay home, he has a good job, so I figure this is the trade off. I found out by moving the chore expectation out of the way, we fight A LOT less. (I don't necessarily think this set up is right or fair, but I find that even with me doing everything--bills, chores, kids, school stuff, etc -- it's more important to me that we don't fight than for me to be less tired!!)

    My biggest issue, is the inconsistency of his attention on us as a couple. As previously mentioned in other posts, dating and the newlywed stage was unbelievably enjoyable. Back then we didn't know it was ADD but now I realize, that I was on the receiving end of the "hyper focus." And because it was a gradual decline, it didn't really effect me greatly, as we were having babies and redoing houses, etc, our "normalized" relationship didn't seem all that different from anyone else's (minus the lack of sharing household chores.) I just kind of accepted that our relationship was what it was, and occasionally we'd go out or have a really good connection, and I would greatly enjoy it. I have a tendancy to be an overemotional, extremely affectionate hopeless romantic type person, and I knew that there was a slim chance that I'd end up with a husband who would remain a lifelong "Romeo" anyway.

    Well, recently, my husband met a guy at work who was going through some issues with his wife, and somehow their story of almost-divorce-turned-into-2nd-honeymoon-raging-romance inspired my husband to reconnect with me. Came out of no where. And I was THRILLED. We went from hum-drum to fiery passion like overnight. This is when I realized just how love-starved I'd been all these 14 years. I had self-soothed this void with shopping, writing, music, and kids. I didn't face it and try to fix it for fear of another arguement. This whole "reconnection" was almost an out-of-body experience for me. We were finally happy, finally completely connected, he convinced me I could talk to him about anything without him on the defense (and he proved it)...we went from once a month sex to at least once a day if not more. We dated, we doted on eachother, love letters, the WORKS. And then, almost as fast as it started, it left. And it left me EXTREMELY depressed and confused. I guess, all those 14 years, I had built up some kind of guard, a wall, callous. I found ways to cope (albeit, not always healthy ways--my "retail therapy" got a bit out of control.)Well, this "reconnection" tore down the walls, and I was open and naked and my heart was back on my sleeve. And now I feel like I got duped or something. I have one girlfriend who says, "Well be happy you had such a great time while it lasted (three or four months)!" Instead, I feel more sad than I ever have before, and I can't ever get through a whole night of sleep. I worry constantly, my mind never shuts off, trying to always figure out what the heck just happened.

    I have attempted to talk to him about it, he apologizes, swears it's not me, just that work is crazy, he's tired (he's on 12 hour swing swift which I KNOW is horrible for an ADDer.) But honestly, I can't see anything going on any different now with work or life than when this wonderful romance was happening. Which leaves me feeling confused. As hard as I try, I continue to ask myself, what have I done wrong? Is he not attracted to me anymore? What did I say wrong? What am I missing? (and I'll admit, I question, Is there someone else?? and I hate hate hate to go there with my thoughts.) I almost wish this reconnection thing never happened, even though going through it at the time made me the happiest I've been in forever. I feel like, now I know what he is capable of. Don't get me wrong, our relationship is still way better than it's ever been, and he still does pretty good about not being defensive if we get a chance to talk about serious topics. I just feel so lonely and sad that whatever it was we discovered, is missing again. And I don't know how to handle it.

    Finding this website was really helpful, I spent the first hour reading and crying my eyes out. Even though I knew much of what we've been going through has to do with some issue or another of ADD, reading and connecting with people that actually are LIVING through it like me is just...I don't even have words for it.

    I just hope to be able to find the way to be able to let go of the pain and find a way to cope with the inconsistant attention from my husband. I love him like crazy, and I just need to be close to him. I get so tired of analyzing every moment of every day. Did he have his meds, has he eaten. Has he slept, has he smoked. What is his mood, is he in a good mood, yes/ good I can talk to him and be myself. Is he in a bad mood? then I have to keep my distance. I just wish I could relax and be myself all the time, and not have to dance to the beat of HIS drum all the time! Even though we hardly ever fight anymore, all those years of him on the defense and us fighting has left me gun-shy. I'm always seemingly afraid of setting him off, and now he even will say to me, "Relax! I'm just busy, I'm not mad." etc.

     

    Thank you so much for letting me vent. It's been a long time coming! Thanks in advance for any ideas, advice, etc.

  • Spouse deep in denial despite diagnosis by: ontask 15 years 8 months ago

    I am looking for some support and answers regarding diagnosis and denial.  A psychiatrist diagnosed my husband a few years ago with ADD yet my husband is in deep denial and refuses to seek treatment or see how his behavior affects others.  He believes he is "managing" just fine. After many arguments and broken promises, I felt I had no option but to enable him by taking on the finances, children, home, calendar, estate planning, investments, initiating sex, planning time for us to be together, etc. Many of these tasks cannot just go undone.  (I am a former English teacher and he is an attorney, he truly is better suited for some of these tasks.)

    I became exhausted, lost my self-respect and lost my identity as "an equal." I became angry and bitter. In recent months, I have taken a different outlook.  I try to see my actions as self-care should I decide to leave him.  I must oversee maintenance on our home - or I won't be able to sell it when I leave him.  I must take care of the finances so I'll be able to get credit when I am divorced, etc.  This may be good "boundary setting" but it is lonely, unsatisfying work.  I have no hope for our marriage. Yet deep down, all I really want is to feel part of a team!

    When I try to discuss my feelings of loneliness, disappointment and frustration, my husband passive-aggressively denies any responsibility.  He simply states, "I hear you saying that I am the sole problem.  You think I am to blame for all our problems."  He is very good at getting me on the defensive.

    He recently agreed to go to Dr. Hallowell's seminar in June.  I thought if I could get him there, he might finally see the light.  Yet today we talked and he stands firm that I cannot demand he change.  He believes that since I married him the way he was, he is not obligated to grow or change. 

    If he had a vision problem and couldn't see the road, I think it would be plausible for me to demand he get his eyes checked and get glasses if that's what the doctor ordered! Living with a spouse with untreated ADD, I often feel anxious and fearful like a passenger in a car with a blind-folded driver.  I don't feel safe and secure. I never feel we are on course. Living crisis to crisis has taken its toll on me.  I am a stay-at-home mom raising three young children.  In many respects, I have put my life in my husband's hands.

    Is it fair of me to of give him an ultimatum?  "You must get treatment for your ADD or I am leaving you?"  I need advice because sometimes I find my strength waning and start believing I am being unreasonable.  In many posts, Melissa talks about supporting the ADD partner in his treatment.  I can't support denial.  I can't go on living this way.  I am so lonely and desperate for a partner in life.  I know I can't change him.  I know I can't make him want to change. 

    1. Don't spouses/parents have a responsibility to get the best treatment for their ADD once diagnosed?

    2. What benefits does he get by remaining in denial?

     

    Thank you! 

    PS:  His ADD was not evident when we were dating.  It was a "novel" time in our lives.  We had no dependents.  We weren't home-owners.  He didn't have a track record of broken promises. 

  • I am new here, hello and.....help! by: RebeccalovesArchie 15 years 8 months ago

    hello,

    I am new here and my partner Archie has only just being diagnosed with ADHD [he is 45] even though we have been together for ten years and I have suspected for a long time that this was one of his traits.

    I have got a lot of different questions and information I would like to gather!.....but my first question is a bit random, I am hoping someone might help:

    The thing is that partly due to Archie's ADHD he is very fidgety, easily dstracted and socially awkward and he often sweats and blushes when he meets new people. He is a professional musician and has mentioned that in social/professional situations people often tend to avoid talking to him due to his awkward demeanour and some have even mistaken his behaviour for being on [illegal] drugs.

    I feel this is a particularly unfortunate phenomenon for him, because he is actually quite strongly opposed to drugs [even though in the music business they are often present and colleauges of his have been known to take them, he does not]. One manager of a band he is currently touring with even said to a colleague: "I bet that Archie takes a lot of drugs" just based on his observations of Archie's [possibly erratic, though innocent] behaviour.

    This is beginning to really get him down, as he feels he is often mis-perceived and misunderstood and, at worst, could be detrimetal to his career opportunities.

    It is sad and frustrating for me to hear him struggling in these ways with people, when he is actually a very sensitve, kind and likeable person.

    I suppose my question is how could he best address this so people do not perceive him in this way and that he is given a fair chance to speak to/work with new people?

    Thank you in advance for any thoughts,

    Rebecca

     

     

     

     

     

  • I am an ADHD wife... got any thoughts for me? My husband doesn't have any interest in learning about ADHD... by: rkooiman 15 years 8 months ago

    I have been married for 33 years. My ADHD was only diagnosed about 6 years ago. It explained a LOT of things to me and reduced my self-blame and 'beating myself over the head with a baseball bat' tremendously. I'd always thought I 'only needed self-discipline' (for better follow-through) and figured it had to be some sort of character flaw in me that had me so scattered. (actually I bought into the whole "dumb blonde" thinking before that was no longer PC, but that's another story)

    He has consistently refused to learn anything about ADHD and is, in my opinion & observations, thinking it's just an excuse for not getting things done. He is very negative, judgmental, critical and conveys the attitude that "if only (people) would do things his way, things would be a lot better". He tends to seem 'disappointed in me' most of the time, for one reason or another.

    He IS smart and his % of "being right" on any given topic is amazingly (and annoyingly) high. In the right mood, I can handle that by telling myself 'at least I was smart enough to marry an intelligent guy'. Other times it is terribly defeating because when he is 'right' that often, I am 'wrong' an equal number of times.   

    Most of the posts and forums deal with situations where it is the husband who has ADHD and the wife who is dealing with his flaws and foibles. I need ideas on how to get my husband to know about and better deal with me, the woman, having ADHD. And I need to figure out what I can do in this situation. I am assertive and have little hesitation in letting him know my feelings and needs. He agrees to try harder but returns to same-old, same-old within days. Any ideas?

  • Role of the Mother-in-Law by: brooks30 15 years 8 months ago

    I will post this quick since I have got to get out of the house but I am wondering if anyone else has this experience....

    I have begun seeing a pattern and it is making me crazy! My fiance grew up in a very "accepting" household and by accepting I mean blind support for anything he wanted to do....I am talking when he was an adolescent here. He even dropped out of high school and his mother though he shouldn't but it was okay so long as it made him happy.

    Don't get me wrong, his mother (a mother of 4) obviously loves her children very much and means well. However this woman is soooo increadibly blind to the world around her. I am 100% convinced she is the "source" (genetically) of my fiance's ADHD. Also keep in mind that everyone (not me) is very happy keeping her in the dark and letting her believe what she wants to believe. My fiance has chosen to not tell his parents about his ADHD.

    She has  openly said that she does not know why any of her children have to leave the house. It actually confuses her. When it comes to my ADHDer, she has taken the stance (and I overheard this...no I was not purpously overhearing) that she "knows he has made a new FRIEND in me and it good to have friends come in and out of his life but eventually he needs to come home and be with his family". And she likes me! Trust me I know this! I want to scream.

    That is only a little background though to my point. It seems as if every time he sees her, weeks and weeks of ADHD progress and getting him organized, and AWAY from the excuses he grew up with, after he sees her he comes home and sometimes it's so bad that it is as if months of work has reversed. She is a well meaning woman and I think that when he sees her, she makes him feel so perfect that he forgets about his ADHD progress. He was diagnosed after my suspicions at the age of 27...and once again, his mom nor dad have any clue about his ADHD because although his mom has it, this people live in a world that is not reality.

    I know this may all sound confusing and I will answer any questions. I am just wondering if anyone else has a mother-in-law that brings out all the "worst" aspects of ADHD in their significant other?

  • Childhood influence on current adhd behaviour by: stella7 15 years 8 months ago

    My husband has untreated adhd. He was tested two years ago as a make up gesture after yet another big fight. Despite of the diagnose he refused to accept it. Whenever I brought it up he got really upset so about a year and a half ago I decided to change my strategy. I no longer talked about his adhd but I made sure he got all the information he needed on the subject. I made up stories about how my son's friend's dad found out he had adhd when his own kid was diagnosed with it, I lied about a show I saw on tv where they talked about adhd....whatever I could come up with...

    He should've seen what I was trying to do, and maybe he was, but somehow he accepted this type of dialogue without feeling "attacked".

    Little by little he started to mention his own adhd....like when he felt really down or angry. Especially (and this I believe was key) if I stayed calm and collected eventhough he was acting up. His perception of my understanding softened him I think and changed the environment from hostile to caring. I tried not to jump in right away when he talked about something being "wrong" with him and just let him vent.

    His family lives in another country so he doesn't see them a lot. Whenever he talked about them he described them as very loving and caring. Last weekend I met them for the first time. Indeed friendly people but some things just didn't sit with me.
    They didn't  seem interested in what he said, never asked him one single question about his life here (let's remember that he only sees them once a year so I figured they would have lots to say to each other), no hugs, ..... I realized that, especially his mom, showed her affection through her cooking/baking but never listened when he had something to say. His father, so I learned, was always at work and never at home when he was growing up. I started to understand why he so desperately needs love and affection in his relationship.

    The thing that upset me the most is that one night while we were having dinner he told them that he was having problems dealing with certain stuff and that thanks to me he was starting to see what it was that he was suffering from. OMG I couldn't believe it, that was an adhd intro! He turned to me and I asked them if they knew what adhd was. None of them knew. I told them what adhd was and added that I would love to hear about his childhood to get a better understanding but his mother didn't seem interested and started clearing the table. His sis who was sitting at the table turned her attention to her daughter. My husband looked at me, took my hand and said out loud " my wife knows me better than any of you do". Even that didn't catch anyone's attention and the subject was closed. I was so pissed, this was a giant step for him. He was looking for support and they just didn't reach out to him. Maybe I should've tapped into it, maybe I should've confronted them with their lack of interest but I saw the hurt in his eyes and it numbed me.

    If nothing else this trip has brought us closer together and took me to the core of the "bottomless pitt" problem. 

    It's still untreated adhd but at least he's aware of what he has. Yes, he is taking baby steps but that's what he needs and that's his way of dealing with it so I can't help but feel grateful that we're at least this far in our journey.....and might I add, against all odds, still together.

    I hope this story can be a source of hope for other people especially those who struggle with the denial of their adhd spouses.

  • Wife of an ADHD husband desperately seeking help by: hope09 15 years 8 months ago

    I'm 31 year old female recently married to my 28 year old husband who suffers from ADHD. He suffers from baaaad anxiety, anger and outbursts, impulses, addictions (both sex and drugs). He admits he needs help but refuses to beleive therapy or medication will help him.  He says I keep him prisoner but he's a prisoner of his own mind.  I've told him this...sometimes he agrees and sometime more often than not I'm the root of all his problems.  He says I need medication (FYI, I only started taking antidepressants to help me not react to his madness and cope with his behavior...I thought it would help numb my emotions).

    I've been 100% selfless and supportive but his verbal and emotional abuse is breaking me.  I'm trying to be strong and I love him so much but I'm losing all my self worth.  He's heartless, cruel and mean.  I'm a doormat, punching bag...whatever you want to call it.  I constantly walk on eggshells and can't EVER express my feelings or defend myself.    

    With him the world is black and white...he tears me down and throws me into a tornado that is his mind.  I'm human and I have no one to turn too.  I've never cut myself until I met him.  He hurts me so bad that I can't deal with it that physical pain of cutting my arms takes away from the pain I feel inside.  When I cry he yells at me so I cut myself to stop crying and he yells or even ignores me saying I'm selfish.

    I reached out to a doctor to help me and she demanded I stop cutting.  I did it like 10 times...it's something I don't want to do and have no intention of doing but I can't make any promises considering my situation and the mental state I'm suffering from when he's in his rages.  He is unstable and this is making me unstable.  I ride his wave. 

    Why would a therapist put demands on me or add to my stress considering my situation? I feel very hurt that I turned to someone and they tried to control me and not help me when I reaching out for help.  I'm a really kind person but why won't someone give me a break. My husband already controls and manipulates me.  Woudln't a therapist realize her approach is counteractive. 

    I've tried and tried again to manage this on my own but I'm not getting any better and my husbands ADHD is spiraling out of control and I'm being blamed.  What is the dysfuntion in his brain?  I want to also add he was born addicted to drugs and his biological mother neglected him from birth to at least the age of 5.

    Of course I don't blame him for his condition and situation.  I also forgive him for anything that he has done that has hurt me.  I don't ever want to be spiteful or be negative...all I ask is to be able to have my moment to cry, be sad or be angry without reflecting on him or causing a fight. He wants me to be perfect and has superficial expectations of me.  I need a break, I need a hug, I need a friend or simply support.   

    As you can see from this post my mind and emotions are scattered.  I don't know if I made any sense but all I do know is that I really love him and only want the best for him, me and us as a team.  Any advise would be helpful. Thanks for listening.

  • Just so done with it by: NowWhat 15 years 8 months ago

    My husband has ADHD and rage attacks, and today he pushed too far and I'm just done dealing. He decided to rage out (for no reason, really none) at our 19 year old son. Our son stood up for himself and husband kept pushing, raging, and eventually got physical. Yep, I had the "pleasure" of watching my husband and my child beating the piss out of one another.

    My younger son (how I hate that he even had to be involved in this) and I pried them apart only to have husband continue rage verbal attacks and again get physical. And again we got them apart.

    Then husband continued rage verbal attack until he said something EXTREMELY hurtful to my older son and my son lauched at him, so a third time pulling them apart.

    By this time husbands BF arrived (I txted him as soon as it started, knowing it was going to be ugly and I needed help) and got between them, just trying to get husband to SHUT UP and walk away. He wouldnt though and even tried to launch himself at my son yet again through his friend.

    I'm done. He's out of the house and I've been very clear with saying he is not welcome back until he gets help with the rage. I cant live with it. His verbal attacks have always been there, not always horrible (about once a year they are terrible) but to become physical? Its gone too far. I cant live with it, or him anymore.

    I cant believe that ADHD can cause this, it has to be something else. Its just out of control. And I know he does not believe that he was "that bad" because he never does after the fact, even when everyone (including his best friend) is telling him that he was. I'm just at my wits end. He needs help. I'm done being that help. How does anyone live like this?

  • Can things get better? How do I help him? by: McPenny 15 years 8 months ago

    Hi! I am 35 and married to a man with ADHD. After reading the post here I already feel encouraged and it has helped me understand my husband more easily. However, I do need your help and advice. I married my husband less that a year ago...I have three children from a previous marriage. He is 32 and this is his first serious relationship. He wowed me with heartfelt promises and he is very kind and loving man. After about three months I realized that I probably had not married the man than I thought I had. I know that taking on three kids and a wife was a huge step for him and according to him it is what he has always wanted. Our marriage is now in serious trouble even though we love each other very much. If any of you are married and you have ADHD or if you are married to someone with ADHD please help me understand how to help him because he has a hard time verbalizing for himself. Issues that we are dealing with..... The three things that I ask for when I married him was that he be honest, stable, and responsible. I didn't feel like they were unreasonable request.....but is that to much to expect?

  • He is constantly looking on line for a new job and tries to convince me to move all the time (I am not willing to move because my children are in school and honestly I don't think that he would like a new job somewhere else any more than jobs here where we live)
  • He lies all the time....even over silly things. Over things that really matter too, he would rather lie than be honest if he thinks I won't like it. (this may be completely different and unrelated to ADHD, but still a problem)
  • He wants my undivided attention all the time and hides away anytime that others are around.
  • He does not live up to promises to do things with the kids after asking them if they want to and telling them that they will
  • He does not help around the house or with any responsibilities unless he knows I am at the end of my rope and then he tries really hard to help, but only till he knows that I am over it.
  • He will not take medication for ADHD because he said when he took it years ago it affected his job, he is in sales and he said it slows down his brain to much and he can't react quickly enough to close the deal.
  • I am not sure if this is related but he has also struggled with ED his whole life....He says he can't turn his brain off long enough to concentrate on sex.

    Now please, don't get me wrong, I am not trying to imply that I am perfect or that he is awful. I love him very much and I want to understand him and know how to help him. Right now I am stressed to the max...with work, the kids, and taking care of the house it is hard to give him all of the attention and reassurance that he needs. please help before it is to late.
  • What can I do to save my marriage and help my husband? by: McPenny 15 years 8 months ago

    Hi! I am 35 and married to a man with ADHD. After reading the post here I already feel encouraged and it has helped me understand my husband more easily. However, I do need your help and advice. I married my husband less that a year ago...I have three children from a previous marriage. He is 32 and this is his first serious relationship. He wowed me with heartfelt promises and he is very kind and loving man. After about three months I realized that I probably had not married the man than I thought I had. I know that taking on three kids and a wife was a huge step for him and according to him it is what he has always wanted. Our marriage is now in serious trouble even though we love each other very much. If any of you are married and you have ADHD or if you are married to someone with ADHD please help me understand how to help him because he has a hard time verbalizing for himself. Issues that we are dealing with..... The three things that I ask for when I married him was that he be honest, stable, and responsible. I didn't feel like they were unreasonable request.....but is that to much to expect?

  • He is constantly looking on line for a new job and tries to convince me to move all the time (I am not willing to move because my children are in school and honestly I don't think that he would like a new job somewhere else any more than jobs here where we live)
  • He lies all the time....even over silly things. Over things that really matter too, he would rather lie than be honest if he thinks I won't like it. (this may be completely different and unrelated to ADHD, but still a problem)
  • He wants my undivided attention all the time and hides away anytime that others are around.
  • He does not live up to promises to do things with the kids after asking them if they want to and telling them that they will
  • He does not help around the house or with any responsibilities unless he knows I am at the end of my rope and then he tries really hard to help, but only till he knows that I am over it.
  • He will not take medication for ADHD because he said when he took it years ago it affected his job, he is in sales and he said it slows down his brain to much and he can't react quickly enough to close the deal.
  • I am not sure if this is related but he has also struggled with ED his whole life....He says he can't turn his brain off long enough to concentrate on sex.

    Now please, don't get me wrong, I am not trying to imply that I am perfect or that he is awful. I love him very much and I want to understand him and know how to help him. Right now I am stressed to the max...with work, the kids, and taking care of the house it is hard to give him all of the attention and reassurance that he needs. please help before it is to late.