Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Communication Issues by: miss_lonely_hearts 16 years 1 month ago

    My husband and I will be having our 5 year wedding anniversary later this month.  He has ADHD and was diagnosed as a very young child.  He also had a difficult family life growing up.  His parents separated when he was a teenager and I don't think he has ever dealt with his feelings about this.

     

    My husband is a good person, but lately it seems to be difficult for him to show his good points.  For awhile, I do not feel like we have been communicating.  He spends much of his time using his computer, playing video games, or watching tv.  We mostly interact when I initiate it, and he often sleeps on the sofa because he has fallen asleep while using the computer, playing video games, or watching tv.  I have been complicit in his keeping up the situation where he doesn't have to participate in our relationship.

     

    Recently, when the therapist suggested that many women would be angry with the amount of time he spends on video games, I had a difficult and startling realization that things are not as happy as I had lead myself to believe.  I have OCD, and have sometimes had difficult anxiety, however, I now have my anxiety very much under control.  When I try to discuss these communication issues with my husband, he gets angry and blames them on my anxiety or on me being in a bad mood.  He also doesn't pick up after himself and neglects the household chores that are supposed to be his.  I have been letting his things pile up and not picking them up like I usually do, but it is hard for me to live in such a messy environment, and sometimes I have to pick things up so I do not feel so scattered.

     

    We have 2 dogs and 2 cats (they are our children) and I worry that if I leave him the job f feeding them that it will not get done.  One day I was gone all day and when I came home the cats had no food and water, and the bowls had not been refilled at all that day.  So I take on the job of feeding the animals because although my husband will do it, it is usually only after I remind him, and if I don't say anything and I don't do it, it often will not get done.

     

    My husband is also very sensitive to criticism and seems to need a lot of praise.  When I have attempted to discuss things in our relationship that bother me, he either completely shuts down and we cannot talk about it for several days, or gets very angry and raises his voice, often leaving the house, and a couple of times not coming back until the next day.  I have come to the conclusion that he doesn't seem interested to know what I am thinking and feeling unless my thoughts and feelings are positive and don't suggest that he has any flaws.

     

    Additionally, my husband has difficulty with my success.  I finished my Master's degree in the summer with a 4.0 grade point average, and he got angry with me when I was talking about it.  He told me that he could have had straight A's when he was doing graduate coursework, but that he didn't because we were fighting a lot at that time.  I got extremely angry and told him that he had a problem if he could not accept my grades, and that his grades were his responsibitlity and not mine.  (There were also sometimes during his graduate coursework when he did not finish assignments on time, but I don't think he remembers that).

     

    Recently, after reading The Dance of Anger and several other books by Harriet Lerner, I have resolved to change my role in our "dance."  The other night, after he said something very sharply to me in a way that I felt was rude, he asked me if I was in a bad mood.  I told him no, and explained (with loving kindness and no blaming) that the way he had said something to me had bothered me.  He began raising his voice and left the room, saying that he would give me time to get over my bad mood.  A few minutes later, I found him and calmly said that I was not in a bad mood, I was simply not happy with the way he had spoken, and just wanted to discuss it.  At this point he began screaming at me about how I nitpick and I always find things wrong with him.  I told him that he was going to have to stop screaming at me before I talked to him, because I can't allow myself to be screamed at if I want to feel like I have self respect.  He continued screaming and I told him that if he was going to continue screaming he would need to ind a place to stay until he could talk to me calmly.  He banged around, getting a suitcase, and packed his things.  He hung around for awhile, because our tradition when he gets like this is for me to beg him to stay.  But this time I just told him that I really did not want him to leave, and that I would prefer for him to calm down so we could have a discussion, however, if he felt he needed to leave he should do what he needed to do.

     

    He refused to acknowledge anything I said after that point, and went to a hotel, later texting me to tell me where he was, a text to which I did not respond.  The next day, when I came home from work, he was at home acting like nothing had happened.  I had seen my therapist that day, and said what I had planned, which was "I'm glad you're back." 

     

    Since then I have been trying to give him the opportunity to initiate more contact or a discussion.  I am trying to let him begin things, however, am wondering if he will.  I feel very lonely and incredibly sad, because I am wondering if my husband wants to be married to me anymore.  Last night we went to a movie with our closest couple friends.  It was a long movie and a little while in I started to feel really hot and overwhelmed with the sadness of the situation.  I calmly decided I would need to go and I told my husband that I needed to leave because I was feeling very hot and ws having difficulty focusing.  I told him with a smile to enjoy the movie, gave him a kiss, and told him I loved him.  I came home and went to bed.

     

    Later, I woke up and he came in the bedroom, home from the movie.  He said I was asleep when he came in, and I told him sleepily, that I was not trying to prove any sort of point by leaving the movie, but that I was feeling sad and unable to do anything about it.  I cannot remember the other things I said because I was half asleep, but this morning we are back to acting like nothing has happened.  Just wanted to see if anyone has any feedback.  I love my husband with all of my heart, and very much want to communicate with him openly, but I have no idea how that is going to happen.  I am assuming he is probably feeling pain, confusion, or other troubling emotions at this time also, and I wish we could support each other as we work out these issues.

  • I can't seem to communicate by: Waytosouth 16 years 1 month ago

    I am looking for advice or effective mental tools to help with communication. I was originally diagnosed with ADD in early elementary school. For a short period of time I was medicated and eventually was taken off. From there I met regularly with psychologists to monitor my progress. I was the kid you that had a desk, not in the classroom, but outside the principal’s office because that is where I spent most of my time. I ended up at a private high school that was slightly more disciplined than public schools and slowly but surely my grades improved and my chaotic behavior lessened to a point that was more fitting a teenage boy. All this time I still did not take medication! Eventually (much to the surprise of my early therapists) I graduated from college with a degree in Physics and on the honor roll. Shortly thereafter I married my wife, started a career path and had children. In the current time I am facing very hard difficulties with my wife to the point we are closing in fast on a divorce. We have a wide range of problems, but there are multiple issues that I feel derive directly from my ADD. The biggest being my inability to communicate effectively and rationally.

    I have very little trouble listening since I learned long ago that this was a problem area for me and I focus on listening a lot. The problems stems from me being unable to get the thoughts out of my mind and into my mouth correctly. Sometimes I say stuff that doesn’t make sense and wasn’t what I was trying to say at all. Or I over focus on what I am saying and go into every little detail that really has no point in the conversation. Then we can also add in the jumping around from topic to topic with no rhyme or reason and occasionally interrupting the person I am speaking with. It is just so frustrating for me because when I try to get verbage out of my head it is like the gears are going wild, but the product isn’t what I ordered. From there I get very conscious of what I am saying and usually slow down (which is annoying to my wife) and second guess everything I am saying. From how it will come out of my mouth to how it will be received. I am trying to change how I communicate, but nothing seems to work and it is just making things harder with my wife.

    I am opposed at this point to taking medication. There are certain ADD traits that I rely on heavily. I do tend to multi-task very easily and when I need to get focused on something completely, it is very easy. I want to see if there are effective techniques to help with my communication problems prior to taking medication and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    Thank you,

     

    Waytosouth

     

  • Feeling Helpless and lost by: UniqueDoveLove 16 years 1 month ago

    I am A Mother of 2 lil Gentle Men and I've been Blessed with a Caring, Loving and Understanding husband. I have been recently diagnosed with ADD, But my doctor stated that he was not sure now of what I have???? Hello Doc. Ok, I’ll be nice..

    One of my children has PDD (A form of autism) and my husband is currently incarcerated. Now how have I been copping with all of this. I guess I've learned to survive it all. I look at it like its an adventure. But as of right now I think part of My adventure is ending soon. My husband has been the rock of the family since we’ve meet. I admit I’ve grown to depend on him to much for a lot of things, and now he seems to be very tiered of dealing with my compulsive actions and he’s stated that he feels like I don’t Love him enough to get it together.

    We’ve tried medications but I didn’t feel like they were helping (ok, maybe for a week or two) My husband said they were. I tried to explain it to my Dr. but he just wanted to try some thing else on me. Know I stopped going to that Dr. Because I feel that if he’s going to just change meds like that he should run some kind of test on me, to see what is going on. Or am I just being to anal? But in regards to my choice my husband seems to be upset and I’m not sure of what to do.

    May I add: I’m not a fan of taking medication.

    My Family means the World to me and right now I need to get me right, cause they need me right. I am admitting it I need help but I want the right help.. Can some one Please Help Me?

  • Trying to save our marriage, my husband undiagnosed ADHD by: CC 16 years 1 month ago

    Hi

    I'm new to this so I hope I'm doing this right.

     

    I've been with my husband since 2003, we have a 2 year old son and expecting our second child any day now. I'm 36 my husband is 41. I'm feeling such hopelessness and stress at the moment I decided to try sharing in this forum , well not sure why i just have to do something as I don't have any support about this "in real life" so I tried writing down how I feel and what my (our) situation is.  

    Just recently my husbands oldest son was diagnosed with ADHD and put on medication (not sure what) and when he started reading info the psychiatrist had sent him he realized that this is what he has as well. I started reading about this and most of what I've read so far very clearly describes my husbands behavior.

    It has been so very difficult and hurtful over the years and it is effecting my 2 year old as he sees me upset when my husband gets in his defensive and quite nasty mood and just wont stop even when I ask him to please don't act that way towards me around our son. It has always been a confusing situation since he really can "turn it on and off" so most people wouldn't have a clue how he behaves when at home after work. It is not always bad but unfortunately the bad really takes over and leaves me feeling emotionally exhausted and unable to take in any of the good any more. I could cope with the "hyper" behavior but the emotional abuse, weather he can help it or not, is taking all my strength to deal with, strength that I now need for my children. I probably should not have stayed this long, and maybe not had a kid (and be pregnant now again) but here I am, willing to make this work still, we both love our son a lot, he loves his dad and It's killing me to think of him not seeing his dad every day, it would break his little heart. Since my husband realized he probably has ADHD he's slipping back into the usual denial and defensive "egg" where he spends most his time. The moments I survive on are when he says he's sorry and then I allow myself to hope (again) because that's all I can do. He usually takes this back and blames me when that moment is gone though. During moments like these he has admitted to this regarding his behavior:

    Playing little mind games all the time to confuse and or annoy me, make a gesture that he then denies doing for ex..

    Put me down and blame me for something he's done to break me down rather then have me accuse him of what he's done.

    Constantly interrupting me because he feels all I'm saying is just nagging. (I usually just try to finish ONE sentence even asking him to just let me finish that sentence then I'm done, but he just can't let me do that) I usually don't try to talk to him much anymore because of this.

    He un dos things I've done just to create a situation, to annoy. Example: I put a hat on our son and we're heading out the door then he takes this hat of and puts a different one on for no reason and tells me to relax myself and not be so annoyed over everything when I ask him why he can't just leave the hat on.

    He says he'll help clear the table later just cause he knows I'd rather do it then still having dinner on the table in the morning for me to clean up then. (I do 99.9 % of all work around the house)

    There's so much more going on but even though these are things he has admitted to doing everything is taken back and blamed on me each time he gets defensive. He has called me ugly names even with my son on his arm, it was then I realized I really need to get away from him unless he really gets some help that stops this abuse.

    I'm afraid now that he wont try at all to get diagnosed and just keep making excuses until I just have to pack up and leave and doing so break my sons heart and not let my unborn baby have a dad around. I feel like such a mess but I'm trying to do the right thing for our family.

    Not sure what I want to come out of this post I just need to share this somewhere as I can't really do it irl. Is there a chance that things such as his anger issues would be helped with treatment if he hopefully gets there?

    Is there any other spouses out there that can relate/share anything?

    Any help/advise/sharing at all would be helpful

    Thanks

  • Waiting, waiting, how do you handle the waiting? by: vivi 16 years 1 month ago

    This is the second time I have posted on this site but last time, not really knowing how to do this, it ended up in a strange place in the midst of a thread and probably went unnoticed. I am married to my husband of 21 years who was recently diagnosed with adult ADHD. The background to our story is in my other post under Finances and ADD. I have sought help from my pastor and another counsellor and friends and have been given probably good advice but sometimes misguided advice by people who have no understanding of ADD and how it impacts the lives of everyone affected by it or indeed the person trying to live with it and pick up the pieces of their self esteem, their career, finances and marriage. I feel very alone and so come back to this site to people who truly do understand.

    What I need advice on is how you deal with the interminable waiting while your ADD husband tries to get things done. To give an example: Two years ago we were advised by financial counsellors that we needed to file for banckruptcy because we are indeed banckrupt. My paycheck, our only reliable income, is now being garnished to the tune of 25%. When the garnishment came into effect I thought that this finally would be the incentive he needed to finalise the banckruptcy which has been to the lawyer and back once already, though they may have forgotten who we are by now. Several sparse paychecks later there has still been no progress. We had words about this about 6 weeks ago and he wanted to file the taxes first so we could pay off some of our present debts with the refund so we did not lose it. Ok that seemed reasonable but it took weeks for him to get the taxes together and in the midst of that I had to stop him from abandoning it and taking off on a trip, albeit a money making venture, that I knew would cause another huge delay in the process. The taxes were filed yesterday, he is gone on his trip today. I just feel so badly that we need to get out from under this banckruptcy burden so we can see where we are at and try and begin again. I have huge frustration that it is out of my hands and I have no control over it and thus over my life.

    I feel like my children and I wait and wait and wait for him and in the meantime our lives are put on hold. I can't organise the finances effectively until I get my full paycheck back, I have even had a payrise in the midst of this but the impact of that is a little lost right now. Even as I write this I feel the tension and frustration rising up in me and I don't want this to be my life. How do I deal with this, how do I address this, how do I stay patient and respectful of him? He is on medication and he does work very hard when he works on these things but if you could see the amazing document he handed to the accoutant (I am not sure what we are paying the accountant for) you would see why it takes him days and days, no weeks,  to accomplish these things.  I do believe with some polite reminders of our agreement that he will eventually get this done but how do I stay sane in the meantime?. 

    I just need some good, trustworthy advice from people who understand and have been where I am before I take the advise of misguided, though well meaning people, and leave him! I truly believe this family can make it but I also believe we have a lot of work ahead of us to make that happen.

     

  • Believing that ADD is real by: jeb4861 16 years 1 month ago

    I am a middle-aged adult woman, diagnosed and medicated for moderate ADD the last 10 years.  My teen daughter is also blessed with this gift and her response to medication has been much more obvious.  My very focused and productive husband has adapted to life with an organizationally-challenged but well-intentioned wife.  I don't feel ADD is part of how I define myself, but I'm currently unemployed, which often accentuates my ADD tendancies.  This is creating stress in my family, and recently my husband suggested that I blame ADD as an excuse.  Even my physician sister questions the validity of ADD.  Yet I'm seeing a counselor who brings ADD up as an issue fore me more often than I'd like. 

    I looked for content related to 'validating  or believing in ADD as a condition' on this site and was surprised not to find it?  I'm formulating a longer post for 'ADHD Marriage' but thought I'd start with this?  J

  • A bottomless pit by: stella7 16 years 1 month ago

    I am having a hard time "channeling" my frustration and fears. My husband has untreated ADHD. Since I have found this site I read a lot about ADHD, I feel informed but not helped. During our last fight I compaired my husband to a bottomless pit. The last couple of months, every night, he talked about wanting to go on holiday this summer. When I finally booked the trip I thought that would be the end of his repetitive dialogue about him needing a holiday. It lasted one night. The next day he started obsessing about NEXT year's vacation. We haven't been on this one yet let alone think about the one next year! Same thing with our car. Months and months he talked about wanting to get a new car...everynight the same speech. Finally last month we got our new car. I was relieved and looking forward to not hearing about us needing a new car everynight anymore but as soon as that thought entered my mind he started about 'his life long dream': getting a sportscar. OMG, it just doesn't stop. He's like that with everything. It's a thing he does, he sets a goal and until he doesn't accomplish that goal he is not happy. When he finally does he still feels empty and sets a new one. I think he's tries to justify this 'empty feeling' he carries by comforting himself with the thought that until he doesn't get what he thinks he needs he can't of course be happy.
    I told him to live in the moment and not in the future but it's useless.
    Is there something I can do to stop these daily conversational routines....i really can't stand them anymore.

  • “Still crazy after all these years?” No, it was just misdiagnosed and untreated ADHD times two. by: PeterAlvarado 16 years 1 month ago

    So here we are a 62 year old male and a 54 year old female. Clean and sober for 24 years, married for 23 years.  Both “abused” by the mental health system being misdiagnosed with everything from intermittent explosive disorder to borderline personality disorder and most everything else  in-between.

    Three months of treatment /medication for ADHD and we are feeling and acting like completely different people. 

    We know how to be married with untreated ADHD.   How do treated ADHD people do it?

  • verbal abuse from ADD spouse by: jgsmom 16 years 2 months ago

      My husband and I have been married for 5 years, it started out so well...  He was my #1 fan and supporter, he was my very best friend and he went out of his way to make me feel safe, secure, and appreciated (I observed the same behavior in his dad with his mom.) That is why I fell in love with him and married him. I knew that he had ADD when I married him, he was diagnosed in 9th grade but until very recently I did not realize the enormous impact it has had on our marriage.

      Let me preface this with telling you that 1.  I am an educated woman who refuses to become a "victim." I call him out on his bad behavior and I stick up for myself not allowing what he says to make me question myself (as best I can) and I have read many books/articles ect. about ADD. I want to understand, to do my part. 2.  I love my husband, he is a very good man. He has recently switched from his family doc to a psychiatrist (I initiated this change, found the psychiatrist) who specializes in ADD, he takes 100mg Vyvanse, he also just started seeing a behavioral therapist the psychiatrist recommended. I have not met with him yet but I plan to as soon as possible. He comes from a very loving and healthy home with very supportive parents. He is a full time professional firefighter/Paramedic and full time student graduating (B.A. in Public Administration) with a 3.7 GPA with plans to work on his Masters Degree. He is highly functioning, intelligent, and helps out alot around the house and with our 9 month old daughter, he is a wonderful father and completely adores her. However, He is a terrible procrastinator and needs to work harder at remembering things, completing tasks, keeping promises, and actively listening without interrupting. These are things I know we can and will work through.

      My main concerns are his lack of control over his emotions, his lack of empathy, and his willingness to "cross the line", or "hit below the belt." I can not trust my husband and it is extremely hard to show him the respect he feels he deserves. We desprately need help, not just for the sake of our marriage but also to be a good example to our daughter and provide her with a safe, happy, loving and secure home. I want to trust and respect him, I really do, he does not make it easy and there is no time to waste.

      He is emotionally very reactive, speaking without thinking, reckless with his words/actions and talking with him is alot like trying to reason with a teenager. He has lied to me about important things. When I ask if he is lying he denies it, so to avoid a fight I ignore my intuition and I choose to believe him. Then it will come out later that he did indeed lie but because it was in the past I shouldn't hold it against him now. He has a completely irrational and emotionally devastating temper. He does not "fight fair" nor does he seem to understand the consequences/harm his tactics have on me and our marriage. We frequently (avg. 3-4 times a month) have horrible fights that usually start over him being angry over something small, like crumbs left on the countertop. He gets so angry and expresses his fustration with such utter disregard for my feelings that we end up in this tornado of chaos with him frequently "hitting below the belt" by saying emotionally devastating things to me like what a horrible wife/mother i am and how it is because of me that he gets so angry, that I am the controlling one. He seems more interested in "winning" the fight than solving the problem, and he sees things as either his way or my way with no room for compromise. After the "tornado" has hit its climax, usually with me leaving in hysterical tears, and he has settled down, he seems sincerely sorry and he tells me he did not mean the things he said, that I am a wonderful wife and mother and he feels so lucky to have me, that he knows that most people wouldn't stick around to work this out with him and that he will get his anger under control and treat me better. Until the next fight... This is a pattern also extremely familiar to his parents and sister who used to have to lock herself in the bathroom to get away from him when they were younger. Although I have never spoken to any of his co-workers about it I know, because of what he has told me, that he abuses his co-workers as well.

     He has driven extremely recklessly with me in the vehicle, thrown things, punched holes in the wall and slammed doors. I do not know how to lead up to this but I think it is important to mention, our sexlife is non-existant. There are several reasons, his ADD, a new baby, I am on 50mg of zoloft, all the hurt and resentment, but also the fact that he is very selfish in this department. I have to ask/remind him, when he has finished, for my climax. He has responded with a heavy sigh and/or puts so little effort into it that I can't stand it so I just don't want to do it anymore. How can you treat someone you claim to love so much this way? I feel very betrayed, tricked. This is not the man I fell in love with. We used to have a fabulous sexlife.

      I want to make this marriage work, and I believe he does too. He is taking the right steps with the psychiatrist, meds, therapy, in this way I am truly blessed. But I am emotionally exhausted and have alot of deep wounds that need to heal, trust that needs to be rebuilt. My husband says he accepts that his anger has been the source of many of our problems, but also feels the need to remind me that he has issues with me, that from what i can understand stem from his need for me to respect him. This deflates my hope, because he still doesn't seem to see how he makes it impossible for me to respect/depend on him without him getting his anger/other issues under control first. I am not perfect, and I know that I own some of the blame for why we are where we are but I feel like I am bleeding out here and he is complaing about a scrape on the knee!  I am deperate, I need him to be the man I married. I need him to really understand and own the hurt and damage he has caused, how else will it ever change? I need hope, something so that i can believe that things will get better, that I will have my best friend back, the man that was so supportive and appreciative, loving, generous.......

  • Medication questions by: Sueann 16 years 2 months ago

    My husband takes 450 mg of Wellbutrin XR for depression. He had severe depression on Strattera, and had to stop that. (Honestly, he should have been hospitalized, but we didn't have insurance.)

    Then the doctor tried Vyvanse, but he seems to have gotten too tolerant of that, and it didn't work well for him any more. His coach said she couldn't work with him until he got on a better medication to make his brain work better.

    Then he tried Adderall and it made him jerk and shake, and he had a bad fall. So the doctor put him on Ritalin, but he has to take it twice a day, and he has trouble remembering to take the second dose, and he's still jerking and shaking and falling. He's going back to the doctor next week. I'm afraid he's not going to be able to take medication, and then he won't be able to do his job. But each time he has a doctor's appointment, he loses half a day of work, and that could threaten his job too. And he loses half a day of work so the doctor can spend 15 minutes with him. This doctor works with the ADHD clinic at our local university.

    Does anybody have any ideas?

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