This is the second time I have posted on this site but last time, not really knowing how to do this, it ended up in a strange place in the midst of a thread and probably went unnoticed. I am married to my husband of 21 years who was recently diagnosed with adult ADHD. The background to our story is in my other post under Finances and ADD. I have sought help from my pastor and another counsellor and friends and have been given probably good advice but sometimes misguided advice by people who have no understanding of ADD and how it impacts the lives of everyone affected by it or indeed the person trying to live with it and pick up the pieces of their self esteem, their career, finances and marriage. I feel very alone and so come back to this site to people who truly do understand.

What I need advice on is how you deal with the interminable waiting while your ADD husband tries to get things done. To give an example: Two years ago we were advised by financial counsellors that we needed to file for banckruptcy because we are indeed banckrupt. My paycheck, our only reliable income, is now being garnished to the tune of 25%. When the garnishment came into effect I thought that this finally would be the incentive he needed to finalise the banckruptcy which has been to the lawyer and back once already, though they may have forgotten who we are by now. Several sparse paychecks later there has still been no progress. We had words about this about 6 weeks ago and he wanted to file the taxes first so we could pay off some of our present debts with the refund so we did not lose it. Ok that seemed reasonable but it took weeks for him to get the taxes together and in the midst of that I had to stop him from abandoning it and taking off on a trip, albeit a money making venture, that I knew would cause another huge delay in the process. The taxes were filed yesterday, he is gone on his trip today. I just feel so badly that we need to get out from under this banckruptcy burden so we can see where we are at and try and begin again. I have huge frustration that it is out of my hands and I have no control over it and thus over my life.

I feel like my children and I wait and wait and wait for him and in the meantime our lives are put on hold. I can't organise the finances effectively until I get my full paycheck back, I have even had a payrise in the midst of this but the impact of that is a little lost right now. Even as I write this I feel the tension and frustration rising up in me and I don't want this to be my life. How do I deal with this, how do I address this, how do I stay patient and respectful of him? He is on medication and he does work very hard when he works on these things but if you could see the amazing document he handed to the accoutant (I am not sure what we are paying the accountant for) you would see why it takes him days and days, no weeks,  to accomplish these things.  I do believe with some polite reminders of our agreement that he will eventually get this done but how do I stay sane in the meantime?. 

I just need some good, trustworthy advice from people who understand and have been where I am before I take the advise of misguided, though well meaning people, and leave him! I truly believe this family can make it but I also believe we have a lot of work ahead of us to make that happen.

I am having a hard time "channeling" my frustration and fears. My husband has untreated ADHD. Since I have found this site I read a lot about ADHD, I feel informed but not helped. During our last fight I compaired my husband to a bottomless pit. The last couple of months, every night, he talked about wanting to go on holiday this summer. When I finally booked the trip I thought that would be the end of his repetitive dialogue about him needing a holiday. It lasted one night. The next day he started obsessing about NEXT year's vacation. We haven't been on this one yet let alone think about the one next year! Same thing with our car. Months and months he talked about wanting to get a new car...everynight the same speech. Finally last month we got our new car. I was relieved and looking forward to not hearing about us needing a new car everynight anymore but as soon as that thought entered my mind he started about 'his life long dream': getting a sportscar. OMG, it just doesn't stop. He's like that with everything. It's a thing he does, he sets a goal and until he doesn't accomplish that goal he is not happy. When he finally does he still feels empty and sets a new one. I think he's tries to justify this 'empty feeling' he carries by comforting himself with the thought that until he doesn't get what he thinks he needs he can't of course be happy.
I told him to live in the moment and not in the future but it's useless.
Is there something I can do to stop these daily conversational routines....i really can't stand them anymore.

  My husband and I have been married for 5 years, it started out so well...  He was my #1 fan and supporter, he was my very best friend and he went out of his way to make me feel safe, secure, and appreciated (I observed the same behavior in his dad with his mom.) That is why I fell in love with him and married him. I knew that he had ADD when I married him, he was diagnosed in 9th grade but until very recently I did not realize the enormous impact it has had on our marriage.

  Let me preface this with telling you that 1.  I am an educated woman who refuses to become a "victim." I call him out on his bad behavior and I stick up for myself not allowing what he says to make me question myself (as best I can) and I have read many books/articles ect. about ADD. I want to understand, to do my part. 2.  I love my husband, he is a very good man. He has recently switched from his family doc to a psychiatrist (I initiated this change, found the psychiatrist) who specializes in ADD, he takes 100mg Vyvanse, he also just started seeing a behavioral therapist the psychiatrist recommended. I have not met with him yet but I plan to as soon as possible. He comes from a very loving and healthy home with very supportive parents. He is a full time professional firefighter/Paramedic and full time student graduating (B.A. in Public Administration) with a 3.7 GPA with plans to work on his Masters Degree. He is highly functioning, intelligent, and helps out alot around the house and with our 9 month old daughter, he is a wonderful father and completely adores her. However, He is a terrible procrastinator and needs to work harder at remembering things, completing tasks, keeping promises, and actively listening without interrupting. These are things I know we can and will work through.

  My main concerns are his lack of control over his emotions, his lack of empathy, and his willingness to "cross the line", or "hit below the belt." I can not trust my husband and it is extremely hard to show him the respect he feels he deserves. We desprately need help, not just for the sake of our marriage but also to be a good example to our daughter and provide her with a safe, happy, loving and secure home. I want to trust and respect him, I really do, he does not make it easy and there is no time to waste.

  He is emotionally very reactive, speaking without thinking, reckless with his words/actions and talking with him is alot like trying to reason with a teenager. He has lied to me about important things. When I ask if he is lying he denies it, so to avoid a fight I ignore my intuition and I choose to believe him. Then it will come out later that he did indeed lie but because it was in the past I shouldn't hold it against him now. He has a completely irrational and emotionally devastating temper. He does not "fight fair" nor does he seem to understand the consequences/harm his tactics have on me and our marriage. We frequently (avg. 3-4 times a month) have horrible fights that usually start over him being angry over something small, like crumbs left on the countertop. He gets so angry and expresses his fustration with such utter disregard for my feelings that we end up in this tornado of chaos with him frequently "hitting below the belt" by saying emotionally devastating things to me like what a horrible wife/mother i am and how it is because of me that he gets so angry, that I am the controlling one. He seems more interested in "winning" the fight than solving the problem, and he sees things as either his way or my way with no room for compromise. After the "tornado" has hit its climax, usually with me leaving in hysterical tears, and he has settled down, he seems sincerely sorry and he tells me he did not mean the things he said, that I am a wonderful wife and mother and he feels so lucky to have me, that he knows that most people wouldn't stick around to work this out with him and that he will get his anger under control and treat me better. Until the next fight... This is a pattern also extremely familiar to his parents and sister who used to have to lock herself in the bathroom to get away from him when they were younger. Although I have never spoken to any of his co-workers about it I know, because of what he has told me, that he abuses his co-workers as well.

 He has driven extremely recklessly with me in the vehicle, thrown things, punched holes in the wall and slammed doors. I do not know how to lead up to this but I think it is important to mention, our sexlife is non-existant. There are several reasons, his ADD, a new baby, I am on 50mg of zoloft, all the hurt and resentment, but also the fact that he is very selfish in this department. I have to ask/remind him, when he has finished, for my climax. He has responded with a heavy sigh and/or puts so little effort into it that I can't stand it so I just don't want to do it anymore. How can you treat someone you claim to love so much this way? I feel very betrayed, tricked. This is not the man I fell in love with. We used to have a fabulous sexlife.

  I want to make this marriage work, and I believe he does too. He is taking the right steps with the psychiatrist, meds, therapy, in this way I am truly blessed. But I am emotionally exhausted and have alot of deep wounds that need to heal, trust that needs to be rebuilt. My husband says he accepts that his anger has been the source of many of our problems, but also feels the need to remind me that he has issues with me, that from what i can understand stem from his need for me to respect him. This deflates my hope, because he still doesn't seem to see how he makes it impossible for me to respect/depend on him without him getting his anger/other issues under control first. I am not perfect, and I know that I own some of the blame for why we are where we are but I feel like I am bleeding out here and he is complaing about a scrape on the knee!  I am deperate, I need him to be the man I married. I need him to really understand and own the hurt and damage he has caused, how else will it ever change? I need hope, something so that i can believe that things will get better, that I will have my best friend back, the man that was so supportive and appreciative, loving, generous.......

My husband has ADD severely.  Our marriage has almost ended many times b/c of it.  I always have to get to my breaking point, and give him ultimatums.  Of course, he does whatever I ask of him for a while and then stops. For instance, I made him promise me that he would find a psychiatrist that he liked, and get on a medication that worked for him.  Well, he found a doctor that he liked and he also liked the medicine.  Then he stopped taking it!!!  Now, he denies liking the medicine and missed his last doctors appointment.  He has a highly addictive personality and has quit smoking cold turkey during this time.  Is that why he's stopped?  He lies to me and tells me he takes the medicine and I know he hasn't.  It seems like we have a good marriage and then we have days that are awful. The worst part is that when he is so out of focus, he starts finding things wrong with me almost just to pick arguments.  I really think that he needs counseling, I need counseling ( I already go) and that we need marriage counseling as well.  How do I convince him of this?  I'm getting exhausted from the viscious cycles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!