I'm in a relationship that's on the rocks, partially due to my ADD. I'm looking for some advice from people who have been through something like this before.

I'm turning 30 in March, and have been dating a wonderful woman for three years. We've been living together for most of the time, but just before Christmas she strayed from the relationship. I found out and forced her to move out around the new year. She didn't cheat, but it was a breech of trust, to say the least.

After things blew up, we started going to counseling, and her concerns finally came out. I learned she's been distraught about my apathy for finding a new job. (I'm a newspaper reporter who's being forced to find a new career becaue of the decline in the newspaper industry). Apparently I make her feel like she can't broach difficut topics with me for fear I'll belittle her concerns or get upset at them. And sometimes I'll act rudely in social situations with her familiy and friends. At a wedding recently, I wasn't feeling up to partying and dancing, so I went and sat by myself. She interpreted that as rude. At Christmas dinner with her family,  I just had to take out the iPhone and read the news after three hours of talking with people I hardly knew.

She never brought up these concerns over the last year or so because she felt like she couldn't get through to me. She's a very bright, naturally driven person who might be pursuing a PhD in the fall. She's also a speech therapist, so she has some idea about how ADD affects kids, and is a very understanding person. But it's understandable that even the most understanding people in the world can give up if they don't see any other way to go.

A week or two ago I was formally diagnosed with ADD, and I'm learning that some of my traits she's complaining about can be atributed to ADD. Somtimes I say sarcastic or rude things to her, and ocasionally I have an outburst, although I think it's fairly rare. I attributed my lack of proactive career hunting to a confused time in my life and a terrible economy, although perhaps ADD contributed to it. In some social situations I appear withdrawn from the conversation, and if it goes on for a long time I'll even take out the iPhone and start reading the news (it was probably a bad idea for me to get the iPhone. It's pretty addictive). It all appears connected to this condition. I've been struggling with these things for my entire life, and have gotten fairly good at controlling them. Unfortunately, the deamons still come out some times, and they're still affecting my relationships.

Now that I know what her concerns are, I've taken immediate steps to address them. I've been more proactive with finding a new career - planning on going back to school in May. I'll leave the iPhone in the car when we go out to dinner. As a behavior therapist, she has suggested some strategies to help me with my outbursts, and she's learning how to approach me in ways that won't set me off or make me feel like I'm being attacked. I'm also on Vyvanse, but still trying to get the dosage right.

We're slowly learning and accepting that some situations are just hard for me to handle. I'm just programmed differently than she is, and when I do things that upset her she's learning that it's not on purpose. This perhaps is the most important breakthrough thus far.

I'm learning why I love her so much. I just feel so comfortable around her, because she has accepted some of these traits for a long time. It just got to the point where she couldn't handle it anymore, and she chose not to deal with it. Now we're dealing with it, and I think we're making progress. I would hate to lose this person who seems so willing to accept me for who I am, flaws and all.

I don't know if we'll stay together in the end, but I'm wondering if anyone has some advice or has been in a similar pre-marital situation before. Some words of wisdom or comfort would be appreciated. My parents' relationship has been affected by my father's inattentiveness and behavior in social situations, and I don't want to end up like that.

Maybe this isn't the right place for this...

I married my husband almost 4 years ago. We didn't know he had ADD. He had been working, at that point, for 6 months at a call center (not a good fit for the ADD brain, but we didn't know he had it.) Having gotten medical insurance for the first time, I found out I have sleep apnea, which requires a very expensive piece of equipment to treat. I already knew I have hypertension and had had a stroke. Between my diagnosis and my treatment, my husband got fired for hanging up on customers. He didn't work regularly for over 3 years, during which I had no treatment for my hypertension and sleep apnea. Our doctor "fired" us because we couldn't pay a bill, and that sort of specialized treatment isn't covered by charity care. I worked 2 and (for a while) 3 jobs and he stayed home and stared at the walls and watched TV. He did no housework and just expected me to take care of everything.

I figured out he was depressed. When treatment for that was only partly successful, I figured out he has ADD. Now he takes meds for that too, and he is working. We have insurance, and I was able to have some long-delayed surgery at Christmastime. I should be on top of the world, right?

But I am still resentful. I feel so much pain that he was unable to force himself to do his job correctly even when being fired could have killed me. Every loss in our life because of his ADD makes me want to cry. Things like not being able to buy a house, or paying 20% interest for his car because his last car was repossessed because I couldn't pay for it and he wasn't working. Or having to use a semester's tuition to get his car out of impound because he didn"t call anyone when it broke down.

I love him, I understand his ADD to some extent, but I am so responsible that I simply can't imagine not working. This resentment is tearing our marrriage apart. But how am I supposed to forget it happened? How do I say it's all right that I could have died because he wouldn't do the job he was hired for? How do I deal with permanent physical effects of 3 years of medical neglect? How do I accept that he's never going to understand that his actions (or inactions) have consequences? That hasn't happened with 2 different ADD meds, so I don't thinlk it's ever going to. Our marriage counselor wants to talk about things like housework schedules, and it feels like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.

Has anyone else had a happy marriage to someone who has neglected them like my husband has? Is there any way to fix this?

About 6 months ago, me and my husband were about to divorce. Then he quit smoking, and I found out about add in adults and immediately thought he could have it. I showed him internet stuff about add, and he was amazed to see that such a condition exists and that it looked so much like he had it.  He started to see a behavior therapist and I abandoned the idea of divorcing him, since he was doing so much effort to change. The therapist didn´t care about whether he had add or not at first, saying that it wasn´t important, and that he should focus on changing his behaviors no matter what was causing them. Finally, after 5 months of therapy, she decided that he might have add and it would be a good idea to try the medicines. She told him to see a psychiatrist. He has seen two of them. Both did, in less than a few minutes, discard the possibility of him having add, on the basis of his master and PhD degrees and a 10 year marriage. According to them someone with add couldn´t possibly achieve any of these things. They haven´t even asked about what kind of relationship we had, or how he managed to do a master and a PhD. We know how much he has struggled in his studies (I saved him lots of times..), how much longer than normal he has taken to finish his PhD (6 years and a half!), and how bad is our relationship (Actually I don´t know if my husband knows that). The therapy has helped a lot, but not enough, we were really looking for a chance to try the medicines. The doctors have been pedant, rude, not interested in listening, and very very quick to reach their conclusions. And, by the way, they had different conclusions. One of them suggested he has a "mild depression" . The other one has no doubt that he suffers from anxiety disorder, that the behavior therapy is taking too long and should be finished by now, and he should start a psychodrama group therapy (and hasn´t even explained what the hell it is!), and told him not to seek a diagnosis, but to work on the practical problems. How stupid... you just need a few minutes in the internet to know that they´re wrong, the way you treat a person depends on what is causing the symptoms, does it not? It is unbelievable! I still think he has add, because he has ALL the symptoms of it, and this actually makes me feel better about him, to think that he has a neurological problem that explain his behavior (which otherwise means no love, sellfishness, and total lack o care and respect) is a good thing. And best of all, to know it can be treated brings a lot of hope. How could a doctor say it is not important to have a diagnosis? These stubborn doctors won´t even prescribe the medicines to see if they work. Am I wrong? Should he accept the doctors point of view? Is anxiety disorder similar to add? Can a "mild depression" cause the same symptoms as add?

I've been married for almost 14 yrs & I am EXHAUSTED! From the very beginning, I have had to take care of my husband. His mom constantly nagged me to make sure he got up for work, ate, slept, whatever! She said if he lost his job, then we would be left on the streets, yada, yada. My MIL made it my responsibility to make sure he didn't screw up. Anyway, I did what she told me to do & endured the worst loneliness while he focused on himself. Early in our marriage, he was going through schooling & I went through 2 pregnancies by myself. The first one was complicated, yet he did not come to the appointments. The 2nd one I went into premature labor but he stayed home to play video games. He was terribly addicted to internet video games while I took care of the 2 kids less than 2 yrs. apart in age. I went through the worst 7 years of my life going to school with 1 infant & 1 toddler, taking care of my husband's needs, & everything else in the marriage. One of our children has life-threatening allergies & I have to make sure she makes her appointments & doesn't eat anything that may kill her. My husband never seems to get how serious it all is.

I've had to do it all. I mow the entire lawn. One time I couldn't get the mower started & woke him up to start it. He started it & left to go back to bed while I mowed the entire lawn which is a third of an acre. I also do all the grocery shopping even though his work is only minutes from the store. I take the kids to all their appointments and activities. In the meantime, I was working full-time as well.

I have tried to sit down with my husband to get him to help out at home. I told him to pick 4 things he could help me out with & had him write them down. He picked: 1. Take the trash out 2. Clean one bathroom every other week 3. Do one load of laundry 4. Vacuum every other week

Well, he could only do one task and it was only if I reminded him with notes. This was to take out the trash. Sometimes he'd take out the trash, but not put it on the curb. Other times, he would not take out the trash & I'd have to rush out in my pjs to take the trash out before the garbage truck came to our house. My husband insists that he can remember to take out the trash on his own, but as soon as I stopped putting up notes, we had overflowing trash!

I know this sounds terrible, but I really want someone I can call my EQUAL. I feel like I am neglected & just an after-thought. I have told my husband that I don't feel loved, or that my feelings are safe, or that I feel like he cares. We've been to counseling which was short-lived. I've even been by myself & the counselor was almost in tears hearing my story. She summed it up right by saying he is so consumed with his life and hobbies and that I wish I and the kids were one of those hobbies. We just aren't.

It breaks my heart to think that this is how my life will be until I die! I can't live like this! My husband even wants a dog and another child. What?! I have THREE children and no husband. Well, that's how I feel.

I am sick of constantly reminding him of things that need to be done. We moved recently & our yard is the size of a little patio. We live in base housing now. Yet, he could never mow that little patch of grass. I had to do it most of the time. He will use the oversized grill, but never clean it. I have to do that. He won't wash his truck, so I finally did. He doesn't get any oil changes done, doesn't get the vehicle inspections or registration. I am doing it all. He is bringing home a paycheck & that is basically it.

I can do this on my own. When he deploys I can breathe easier, well not really, because he is in a war zone & that is another story :(  but as far as taking care of the household & not having to do his laundry, wake him up every morning, or make him meals, I feel like a weight is lifted. I have been taking care of all the bills, do the taxes, & make sure that everything that needs to be taken care of is. Whenever we go to pre-deployment briefs, that is such a joke. They talk about what the wife will now have to do while her husband is gone. Umm, well, I've already been doing that for as long as we've been married! There is absolutely no break for me!

For my 34th birthday a couple of weeks ago, I asked my husband for a nice meal out & a movie. It didn't happen. He took a nap & by the time he woke up, it was past our reservation. I am tired of all the disappointments. Even when I ask for things I'd like for special occasions--it rarely happens.

Today, was the last straw. He just left for deployment & asked me to get the oil changed in his truck. So I am driving it to the auto place when I notice it has no gas. The gauge was below the 'E' & when I looked at the sensor, I see that the miles before empty is already at ZERO! I quickly repark his truck, get into my car, go to the gas station to get one gal of gas, but by the time I leave to go get the oil changed, the place can no longer do the service without me waiting the entire day at the station. So I have to reschedule to have it done.

This is not the first time he has left me with a vehicle with no gas. You would think he would refill it before deploying, but of course, he knows, I'll do that! I feel like I am taken for granted & when I tell him how angry I am to be put in that kind of situation, he laughs! He says, "I love you!" and then laughs again like this is some kind of sick joke. What if I had the kids in the truck with me & we got stuck on the busy road? What then??

What it boils down to is that I can't leave notes or tell him to do things because he gets mad if I do. Yet if I don't, it won't get done. He will make up every excuse not to do something. He's either tired or will do it later. Never happens. I am left doing it all. I want a break. I want to feel like he cares & will actually do something to help me out!! He gets mad when the kids leave their things out, yet it's acceptable for him to leave his things out!! Double standard.

Oh, & he can't take medication. He hasn't been officially diagnosed with ADD, but his family & I are convinced that he has it. When you talk to him he zones out! He is in the military & would be kicked out if he took medication, especially in his line of work. So, here's my choice: stay & put up with it while I SUFFER or make him get out, get help, & we'll start over new. I have already talked to him about getting out because I don't know how much longer I can hang on.

Well, guess what? He decided to put in for 9 more years. What now? I want it to work & have bought TONS of books for us to read. I just don't know what more can I do? No medication, no behavior modification, nothing...