Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Don't feel taken care of by: reallytired 16 years 2 months ago

    I've been married for almost 14 yrs & I am EXHAUSTED! From the very beginning, I have had to take care of my husband. His mom constantly nagged me to make sure he got up for work, ate, slept, whatever! She said if he lost his job, then we would be left on the streets, yada, yada. My MIL made it my responsibility to make sure he didn't screw up. Anyway, I did what she told me to do & endured the worst loneliness while he focused on himself. Early in our marriage, he was going through schooling & I went through 2 pregnancies by myself. The first one was complicated, yet he did not come to the appointments. The 2nd one I went into premature labor but he stayed home to play video games. He was terribly addicted to internet video games while I took care of the 2 kids less than 2 yrs. apart in age. I went through the worst 7 years of my life going to school with 1 infant & 1 toddler, taking care of my husband's needs, & everything else in the marriage. One of our children has life-threatening allergies & I have to make sure she makes her appointments & doesn't eat anything that may kill her. My husband never seems to get how serious it all is.

    I've had to do it all. I mow the entire lawn. One time I couldn't get the mower started & woke him up to start it. He started it & left to go back to bed while I mowed the entire lawn which is a third of an acre. I also do all the grocery shopping even though his work is only minutes from the store. I take the kids to all their appointments and activities. In the meantime, I was working full-time as well.

    I have tried to sit down with my husband to get him to help out at home. I told him to pick 4 things he could help me out with & had him write them down. He picked: 1. Take the trash out 2. Clean one bathroom every other week 3. Do one load of laundry 4. Vacuum every other week

    Well, he could only do one task and it was only if I reminded him with notes. This was to take out the trash. Sometimes he'd take out the trash, but not put it on the curb. Other times, he would not take out the trash & I'd have to rush out in my pjs to take the trash out before the garbage truck came to our house. My husband insists that he can remember to take out the trash on his own, but as soon as I stopped putting up notes, we had overflowing trash!

    I know this sounds terrible, but I really want someone I can call my EQUAL. I feel like I am neglected & just an after-thought. I have told my husband that I don't feel loved, or that my feelings are safe, or that I feel like he cares. We've been to counseling which was short-lived. I've even been by myself & the counselor was almost in tears hearing my story. She summed it up right by saying he is so consumed with his life and hobbies and that I wish I and the kids were one of those hobbies. We just aren't.

    It breaks my heart to think that this is how my life will be until I die! I can't live like this! My husband even wants a dog and another child. What?! I have THREE children and no husband. Well, that's how I feel.

    I am sick of constantly reminding him of things that need to be done. We moved recently & our yard is the size of a little patio. We live in base housing now. Yet, he could never mow that little patch of grass. I had to do it most of the time. He will use the oversized grill, but never clean it. I have to do that. He won't wash his truck, so I finally did. He doesn't get any oil changes done, doesn't get the vehicle inspections or registration. I am doing it all. He is bringing home a paycheck & that is basically it.

    I can do this on my own. When he deploys I can breathe easier, well not really, because he is in a war zone & that is another story :(  but as far as taking care of the household & not having to do his laundry, wake him up every morning, or make him meals, I feel like a weight is lifted. I have been taking care of all the bills, do the taxes, & make sure that everything that needs to be taken care of is. Whenever we go to pre-deployment briefs, that is such a joke. They talk about what the wife will now have to do while her husband is gone. Umm, well, I've already been doing that for as long as we've been married! There is absolutely no break for me!

    For my 34th birthday a couple of weeks ago, I asked my husband for a nice meal out & a movie. It didn't happen. He took a nap & by the time he woke up, it was past our reservation. I am tired of all the disappointments. Even when I ask for things I'd like for special occasions--it rarely happens.

    Today, was the last straw. He just left for deployment & asked me to get the oil changed in his truck. So I am driving it to the auto place when I notice it has no gas. The gauge was below the 'E' & when I looked at the sensor, I see that the miles before empty is already at ZERO! I quickly repark his truck, get into my car, go to the gas station to get one gal of gas, but by the time I leave to go get the oil changed, the place can no longer do the service without me waiting the entire day at the station. So I have to reschedule to have it done.

    This is not the first time he has left me with a vehicle with no gas. You would think he would refill it before deploying, but of course, he knows, I'll do that! I feel like I am taken for granted & when I tell him how angry I am to be put in that kind of situation, he laughs! He says, "I love you!" and then laughs again like this is some kind of sick joke. What if I had the kids in the truck with me & we got stuck on the busy road? What then??

    What it boils down to is that I can't leave notes or tell him to do things because he gets mad if I do. Yet if I don't, it won't get done. He will make up every excuse not to do something. He's either tired or will do it later. Never happens. I am left doing it all. I want a break. I want to feel like he cares & will actually do something to help me out!! He gets mad when the kids leave their things out, yet it's acceptable for him to leave his things out!! Double standard.

    Oh, & he can't take medication. He hasn't been officially diagnosed with ADD, but his family & I are convinced that he has it. When you talk to him he zones out! He is in the military & would be kicked out if he took medication, especially in his line of work. So, here's my choice: stay & put up with it while I SUFFER or make him get out, get help, & we'll start over new. I have already talked to him about getting out because I don't know how much longer I can hang on.

    Well, guess what? He decided to put in for 9 more years. What now? I want it to work & have bought TONS of books for us to read. I just don't know what more can I do? No medication, no behavior modification, nothing...

     

     

  • Why won't she see...? by: mradhd 16 years 2 months ago

    I am so frustrated right now because my wife left 2 weeks ago & insists that she needs to be away for at least 1 year. She says that she still loves me but I need to show her that I can be accountable & responsible, 2 characteristics that are rare in people with ADHD. We have 4 girls ranging in age from 3 - 12. She said that she must do this to not only get me to realize what a disappointment I have been, but she feels that she lost herself a long time ago & needs to find herself again. My biggest problem is that the internal conflict that I have about all of this. I have been on Adderall for just about a year & even had my dosage bumped up a little. I started to seek out additional help about a month ago & had been moving forward with staying on track with being more active & putting together a schedule. Heck, she even helped me with the schedule & even put it on paper for me. Then, just when I am starting off on this unfamiliar road, she said she had to go. I am so hurt & so missing her that my heart is constantly aching. It doesn't even feel like it's there. I am having the most trouble with getting her to accept the fact that my mental issues played a majorly significant role in this constant disappointment that I have given her.

    I wrote an analogy in a blog about how I have been feeling lately. Here is what I wrote.

    For the people around you, the ones that see you each and every day just floundering, failing, appearing unmotivated, breaking promises, constantly disappointing, making them crazy, appearing as if you just don't care, showing no signs of improvement, giving them every reason to avoid you, not paying them back, not being able to depend on you, creating a bigger pile of chaos & debt, creating more stress for them, with your head always in the clouds & waiting for that big "whatever" to come along, etc...they won't fully understand what's going on in YOUR HEAD. It's difficult for clear thinking people to realize what an enormous impact ADD/ADHD has on a person. It very easily can be looked at as an excuse or just another line of bull, that isn't valid enough or have enough weight to be the REAL reason for most if not all of the troubles that they have. But can you blame them? I wouldn't think that anyone would want live with all the issues that I mentioned & even many more that I didn't, and still want to be with that person. Unfortunately, there's no reset button, or red pill that you can take to see both sides. The person that has been constantly hurt, will continue to feel as though they probably won't be able to ever count on the other, and will have doubts that there is a possibility for a positive change. The person with ADD/ADHD is looking at climbing Mt. Everest with no experience for mountain climbing & no one by their side to keep telling them that they can do it. They just have to suck it up & accept the fact that they put them self at the base of that mountain. Even though they have no idea how they got there. I guess they could google "how to climb Mt. Everest", or maybe "Climbing Mt. Everest for Dummies", but really, that is a very big hill to climb by yourself with just some internet advice to go by. Think of the person standing at the base of the mountain by himself, but wasn't expecting that he would be there alone. You see, he and his partner head out on a lifelong journey of hills and valleys and one day hope to get to "Happy Town", or whatever. On the way they got a flat tire, they ran out of food, they ran out of gas, they ran out of money, they went the wrong way, they had to go back home because he forgot something, they ran out of gas again, they needed new tires, the inspection was overdue & they had to go the long way to avoid the po pos, they argued about who's job it was to make sure they had enough of whatever they needed for the journey, but when they found themselves at the base of Mt. Everest the partner said, "I can't do this anymore. I need to go now. I still love you & I'll be on the other side if you get there, but I just got to go." That is a hurt that is hard to describe. Sure it seems pretty obvious as to why the person left at the mountain would be hurt, but to know that the reason they're there is because of his directions, his advice, his fogged up brain, his insisting that he knows the way to Happy Town & he thinks there's a shortcut, but keeps getting them lost & still looks for another shortcut, until he cuts himself short, and finds himself alone. There is no way to put into words, that pain. It can only be felt. You can't make someone understand why or how you got to that mountain, if they don't truly want to understand & are just sick of listening to excuses..

    I don't know what I can possibly do to get her to see what's really going on. I just miss my wife & I am already on track to making a better life for my family and me. I have even given her a book call "Is it You, is it Me or Adult ADD". She hasn't read any of it. She has said to me that she is cheering for me & kisses me & hasn't completely separated herself from me, but I know that WE could get through this more effectively than me doing it on my own. Plus, did I mention that I miss her very much?

    I would appreciate any directed help that anyone is willing to offer. I am grateful for this site & all of the people here that share their stories & advice. Thanks, God Bless - MRADHD

  • When do you get out of a marriage to an ADDspouse by: martoadd 16 years 3 months ago

    We are in our 8th year of marriage, with 2 children under 6. My husband was officially diagnosed with ADD when our son was 2, his is co-depression. He has had at least 18 jobs,  one third ending in two weeks, the longest job he held was 9 months.  Most of the time we are not insured such as now. I haven't had a regular checkup in about 3 to 4 years.  I have the children insured through the state which is now being terminated since my ADD husband forgot to put the envelope they requested in the mail. One of deals, was he is to fix part of the mess he makes. All he had to do was put it in the mail. Both children need speech therapy, but money allocated for medical has always gone for his doctors, Yes four years of therapy, coaches, lists and medicines have not improved his lack of organization and time management. Two of the biggest reasons he loses jobs.  He is also quite arrogant, this has cost us bundles because he believes he is smarter than all others.  The sad thing is he has a masters degree and is professionally certified and he has been sober for 15 years.  He has no recall or common sense and sometimes it is not ADD, he is just lazy.  I work part time at my children's preschool and have received aid to pay for their school. We have little debt because I manage the bills and although we live in a old townhome, we will not lose the house. I have given him until June to write a plan and put it in action, using all the advise he has previously ignored. He has to secure a job any job. I am sure I am depressed but really do not have the time or money to pay for me to go to anyone.  My children watch more TV than I want them too because I spend the afternoons cleaning the house and fixing the messes he makes.  When does marriage with an ADD spouse become more hurtful than helpful?  When is the best time and way to separate from the chaos and unstable enviroment?  When is a marriage to an ADD spouse bad for the children? Does anyone have any advise or examples of what I would face after the divorce?

  • My Story by: topekoms 16 years 3 months ago

    I didnt really realize I had ADHD until recently (Im 25 now)..... let me take that back.... people have always commented on my need to 'play' with things - say things at the wrong time - fidget - lose focus, etc.... I always thought ADHD was for children, and as a teen and adult - it didn't seem like it was possible. I made a lot of bad impulse decisions ever since I was very little, took a lot of risks, and have always been known to run my mouth and speak without really thinking - and they just got worse as I got older. However, unlike a lot of what I have been reading -I was a good student in school... I always made As and Bs... but nothing ever really interested me (I was never one to know what I wanted to be when I grew up - haha.. I still don't) - and I was generally known to not do the reading and still do well on pretty much anything. When I got to college - I didn't want to be there - and again, did as little as possible and still did quite well. I struggled to get through community college because I never wanted to go to class - and only recently have I begun to take classes online to complete my bachelors, only because I can start courses when I want to and complete them when I want - I never have to actually go to class, which means I dont have to sit for three hours... All this never really bothered me (besides little comments here and there) until I started a job where I sit for eight hours a day.. people notice - they comment on how I can't sit still. I doodle during meetings and get up and walk around multiple times a day. I get comments almost daily about ADHD and my behavior - to a point, it depresses me only because Im not trying to be annoying - or lose focus - or say something inappropriate, it just happens... I try to sit still, and I go insane.. My position is beginning to bore me - and I've held it longer than anything before....

    Thats just work.... Im in a relationship too.... My first 'real' relationship at that... before him, I participated in a lot of casual, impulse sex.... No one mattered to me.... Its been 5yrs now - we're engaged... I get bored a lot and question the relationship - but I push myself to realize that its not really him - its just me getting bored. I made a bad decision a few months ago and cheated on him - and Im kinda worried that it might happen again (I know right from wrong - but was never put in a situation like that before and not sure I can make the right choice if the temptation comes again - even though I know that its something I can never do again..) - Im not sure my finance really.... believes the severity of ADHD and what it can do to a person... He knows I have characteristics, but part of me thinks that he thinks it should be something I can just turn on and off (that if Im getting in trouble at work for walking around, then I just need to stay seated).... Ive mentioned taking meds - more for myself - for my work performance, and for him - but he is against prescriptions.... I found something called Attend (if anyone knows anything about it - please let me know) that he is more interested in (its all natural) - I know, this is my decision, not his - but I need his support in the long run... oh... he is an advocate for marijuana usage, and although I do partake - and I do feel more relaxed and able to sit still - I really think its just a coverup.. plus I cant smoke at work =) (he feels thats really all I need)..

    Theres a lot on this site for men - and its the women that are suffering..... but I know the chances of a successful relationship are slim... Ive found a lot of useful info through here... but Im worried that it will be me to screw up (not only in my relationship - but at work too).... just felt the need to give another side of the story - and any suggestions / advice are greatly appreciated.

  • Online "cheating" by: Anonymous (not verified) 16 years 3 months ago

    I recently found out that my ADD husband has not only been looking at rather a lot of porn online, he has posted on BDSM forums, saying things like that he might be looking for the right sub girl.

    Now, I have always been sexual and have been an active participant in our sex life, including sexual BDSM games, so it's not like he couldn't get that at home. However, he would hardly ever touch me. Over the almost 10 years we've been together, if we had sex more than once every other month, it was a miracle! He would say he wanted to have more sex, but that he'd get distracted...

    ...apparently he got distracted by all the porn. ;-/

    Anyway, when I confronted him about these posts, he freaked out and grabbed my computer (laptop) and held it "hostage," like a little kid. This machine is my life as I am in law school and it has all my work on it. Later he tried removing the wireless router, which I pointed out was silly since I would be on a fully wireless campus in 12 hours... point is, he was trying to keep me from finding more. He was trying to control the situation and my reaction.

    Finally, he calmed down and over the next month I have gotten out of him that he did this porn forum stuff because he was "curious" but he swears he never hooked up with anyone. Then he said that he never felt worthy of me and so he was looking for someone at his "level."

    And, of course, he wants me to stay. I think this is cheating, as surely as if he had actually had sex with someone. He was interacting online with strangers, talking about sexual things, and that post about maybe finding the right sub girl...

    I know ADDers want stimulation, but this is BS. 

    Thoughts?

     

  • ADD Husband hates to be touched by: Sueann 16 years 3 months ago

    My ADD husband hates to be touched (except for sex!). He will cry out if I happen to touch him while asleep, like from turning over in bed, and this wakes me up. We can't get a bigger bed. Is he so sensitive because he has ADD? Has any one else run into this, and if so, how did they solve it? I sleep as far over on "my" side as I can, but it's hard to sleep without touching him.

  • Sex and ADD by: ninir 16 years 3 months ago

    I've done alot of reading on this site today and have learned alot. My husband has finally went to the doctor and is getting treated for his ADD. He is taking Aderall xr and Wellbutrin. Today is his frist day on it. I've been trying to do as much research as possible being a non ADD spouse and how to deal with your ADD spouse. I can deal with the disorganization and the lack of chores done aroudn the house being that my job being at my home makes it easy to keep up with him. I guess the main problems with his ADD that bothered me were his impulsive decisions (including his desire to look at porn all the time)  and his anger that was always out of porportion to the situation. But  up until the research I've done today did I realize that ADD alone can cause a decrease in sex drive especially in men. Did I get some wrong information? Or is it true? If so how can we fix it? Or do I need to just face the fact that our relationship seems to be in a far bigger hole that I imagined. I use to blame the lack of sex on stress, being tired, the new baby, his medicines. I can't hardly take it anymore.  Use to be what helped me get through his "ADD  times" to stick with him would be the good loving husband that I seen on other days. Now I feel like we are just roomates. Co parents to our daughter. What a great dad he is. I just wish he could be a better husband. If the meds work the way they are suppose to will all this help those things. Or do we need ALOT more help than I figured. Please give me some feedback. I know I have read alot on some similar situations but all of which seemed without hope and there was no way to make things better.

  • How do I regain his trust and respect by: memoe 16 years 4 months ago

    I am 43 y/o and over the past year have figured out that I have ADHD.  My daughter, who is 8, was recently diagnoised which led me to evalute my past.  I have been married for 15 years and we have always had problems.  I have ruined our credit by not paying bills on time, the house is never organized and everything is always a mess.  The biggest thing is that I have repeated this behavior time and time again over the years.  We took out a mortgage on our home and paid all our bills and for a while I kept up with everything but slowly I slipped back into the same routine.  We struggled but worked through it again, borrowing money to pay for everything...you get the picture.  I knew I was messing up each time but telling him meant I was a failure to him and to myself.  I kept telling myself I would catch up on the bills next month and then the next month came and went.  Finally, he has had enough.  All he does is ask "why, why, why" and now I realize that this is due to ADHD.  I have read a lot on the subject and I have created a schedule for getting bills paid and paid early.  Getting and staying organized is a struggle but I have finally figured out something that works for me.  He, of course, has no faith in me.  I still have a lot to work on including the household chores but I am trying.  We basically live separate lives.  He hardly speaks to me unless it is to question me about the bills and the household chores.  He just keeps saying that I have no respect for him and that I don't care (not true at all).  The only thing we talk comfortably about is the children.  We don't have a marriage anymore we are only roommates.  I hate the way things are and want to be able to work things out.  He says he hates the way things are too but feels that if he gives in that things will go back to the old ways.  He is trying I believe...he no longer yells at me about things but tries to speak calmly.  He doesn't understand and nothing I say is good enough.  I don't know what I should do.  I want to get my husband back, I just don't know how. 

  • I tried.... by: stella7 16 years 4 months ago

    Usually when something needs to be done around the house my husband is either putting it off, too tired, forgotten to do it, didn't have time,.....so I have established this poor habit of doing everything that needs to be done myself. Quicker and more efficient. Lately I didn't even bother to ask him for help any more..maybe because I was secretly hoping that by taking on so much he would realize how unfair it was and how much weight he put on my shoulders. That of course didn't happen. It had gotten to the point where he would even call on me for technical chores...setting up the xbox, see why the tv wasn't working,...... Lazy? That too but he really can't figure some stuff out. Luckily i'm quite the "handy" type. 

    Long story short....after reading some of the previous posts I realized that by taking everything out of his hands, i wasn't stimulating him and by doing everything for him I wasn't helping him feel like the "man of the house". I figured he would benefit more from taking on a project and finishing it. So I decided to "give" him a simple chore. I bought a side table two days ago. Instead of taking it upstaires myself and setting it up I waited for him to come home to get it out of the car (it was quite heavy) and set it up upstaires. He said "now? i will get it later" I was calm and said "oh baby would you mind getting it now, i would like to see if it fits". He didn't like it but accepted anyway. Got it out of the car, upstaires, opened the box, took out all of the pieces (3) and looked at everything that was in front of him on the floor. He seemed puzzled. He looked at the instructions, the examined the pieces, ....that went on for what seemed to be forever ( i was sitting on the floor beside him, knowing how to do it but keeping my mouth shut just to give him a chance to figure it out himself). He got nervous, stood up and said "i think there are some pieces missing here, you need to take it back to the store". I looked up and just felt really sad for him. He just wasn't able to figure it out eventhough the instructions were crystal clear even from where i was sitting.

    Of course I did it myself as soon as he left the room, 5 min later I had my side table. The next day i'm sure he saw it but never said a word.

     

  • What proof can I get from him that he's actually working on his issues? by: Sarah787 16 years 4 months ago

    Hello,

    I am not married, but my boyfriend has ADHD.  I post on this website, because I've known I've wanted to marry this man from the first date.  He's the one.  I just know it.  And I know he feels the same way.  We've discussed moving in to getting engaged to being married.  But, I've come to the conclusion that all of the issues I have with him center around his ADHD and if he doesn't take steps to manage those issues we won’t be able to have a future together.

    I found out he had ADHD within the first month of our relationship.  I asked him whether he had Bipolar Disorder or ADHD.  I considered Bipolar Disorder, because his behavior seemed manic to me.  He told me that he had ADHD and that he was diagnosed with it when he was young.  After finding out he was diagnosed with ADHD I read up on it, but the typical mental health websites didn't offer much in lengthy descriptions that explained what the disorder entailed.  So up until recently I thought his ADHD affected him to the extent of having difficulty concentrating and being impulsive.  Boy was I wrong.

    About 2 weeks ago I sat down at my computer and in a moment of boredom thought to look up information on ADHD.  The issue that was bothering me the most, at the time, was our sex life...and the lack thereof.  Previously, I hadn’t thought ADHD and sex were connected, but it was the only frame of reference in regards to his behavior that I could think to look up.  I forget what I put in differently, as opposed to the times I've googled ADHD before, but the links I received contained first hand accounts of people with ADHD and/or their significant others.  It was then that I realized the full extent of ADHD and that most of the issues I had with him that I couldn't put my finger on were all a product of ADHD!  (…on top of the issues I had with him that I already knew were from ADHD).  Initially, I felt relieved that I could finally pinpoint a source to our issues, but the more I read about the disorder the more at a loss I felt.  Now I know that in order for things to get better it is going to take a full commitment on his part to getting help to manage his disorder.  It was different when I wasn’t sure what was wrong.  The idea of having to rely on him for things to get better is terrifying.

    We’ve never experienced a honeymoon period in this relationship; although, things have improved since I’ve met him.  Unfortunately, things have only improved because of me and its relative in comparison to the ups and downs of a normal relationship.  I’ve stuck to my guns and enforced every boundary violation that’s come up regardless of how much he’s fought me on them.  He seems to respond very well to structure and boundaries, but if I don’t intervene, educate him on how his behavior is inappropriate and then reaffirm the boundaries he would just be on autopilot following every impulse that comes to him.  He’s been in therapy before, but he told me that the last couple of years he’s wanted to work on his issues himself.  He’s come a long way in certain respects (work, aggression), but is still incredibly behind in other areas.  It’s scary to realize how far he’s come, because of the implication that he was worse!

    He doesn’t seem to have any insight or awareness into his interpersonal issues between he and I.  YET, he can recognize them as being unacceptable in someone else.  In fact, many of the things he does he wouldn’t dare put up with if he were on the receiving end, which is a difficult double standard to wrap my head around.  He’s incredibly judgmental and projects many of the things he does onto other people.  His other issues, such as money and mapping out a future for himself (he’s almost 30 and has never moved out of his parent’s house or had any real responsibility) he uses endless excuses for or talks about them like he’s acting on them, but really isn’t.  Then when you call him out on not having followed through he justifies it in some ridiculous way or says “he doesn’t care what people think of him.”  He’s taken not caring what people think to a whole other level in order to cope with years of criticism.  In a lot of ways I would consider him to not know himself very well as he sometimes talks about himself as the person he wants to be and not as who he is in the present.  I’m at the point where I take anything he says with a grain of salt, because it’s not even worth dealing with the potential disappointment of finding out something you thought was in the process of happening isn’t.  So often things aren’t what they seem and that makes me feel incredibly vulnerable.  Often I feel like a fool and that I’m being lied to.  People either pity me for staying with him or want me to meet someone else.

    We had two discussions in the last week where I confessed to having been researching more and more on ADHD and that I have come to the conclusion that all of our issues center around his ADHD.  To my surprise, he agreed!  He admitted to some extent the difficulties this disorder has had on his life, but he didn’t use specific examples, such as “My ADHD has affected my ability to follow through with simple plans” which is what I need to hear from him.  I told him that even though I love him I will not accept things as the way they are now and if they don’t change I will leave.  Since that discussion he told me that he saw his old therapist and he plans on going on a regular basis.  He also told me that the main reason he did that was because of me.  He did something like this before during a period of time where I broke up with him.  He did apply effort on his own during that period of time, but his efforts fizzled out.  It seems like he needs help outside of himself to make sure he follows through with things.  It worries me that his reason for seeing a therapist was because of me.  I just can’t imagine him following through with therapy in the long run unless if HE wants to change for HIMSELF.

    I’m at a point where I’m actually frustrated with myself for still seeing him.  I love him to death and I’ve never felt this way before, but the relationship is unhealthy.  I see the posts that people put on here and I know we are dead ringers for the same fate if we were to be married (or even just live together).   I will and am not the type of person who will compensate for what he won’t do.  I will help him, but I won’t do it for him.

    I am constantly swinging back and forth between thinking we have a future and wanting him out of my life.  Whenever I start to just be he crosses some boundary that I would never think of having to point out and then the chaos begins. I’m so burned out.  I know what it’s like to have issues that limit how you can live your life.  I was diagnosed with PTSD and have a history of trauma, which has caused multiple issues, not including PTSD that I won’t get into here.  I’ve been through the gambit of therapy, probably more so than anything anyone with ADHD would have to go through, so I know first hand what it takes to make issues manageable and to come as close to “normal” as one can.  The difference between me and him is that I hit rock bottom of what I could do for myself and pursued therapy because I wanted a better life than I was having…and I wanted it for MYSELF. 

    But going on the assumption that he’s going to pursue therapy because he said he would due to him being reliably unreliable I feel that I need further proof than just his word that he’s 1) going to therapy and 2) working on his issues.  I literally feel like I need to see an insurance bill to prove he went to a session!  And a play by play of his game plan to change in order to believe he’s applying new coping mechanisms.  How do I go about doing this??  What do people normally do in my situation?  And what is suggested someone in my position do?  Should I go therapy with him?  A part of me wants to. I can’t go any longer giving him the benefit of the doubt that he will one day get it together.  I need to be informed and involved in this process on a day to day basis.  I’m just not willing to waste any more of my time on something that I can’t be sure is happening, because if it doesn’t I want out of this relationship for good.

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