Hi everybody. It's been a while since I came to this site. As I have said in previous posts my husband has ADD but not accepting it hence not taking meds. After reading some posts here and especially after taking to heart Melissa's advice, I stopped being so angry and tried to embrace all the good things in our marriage. And for a while that really seemed to work. But soon ADD started to show it's ugly head again and slowly but surely I was back where I started. Lately we fight more and more, always for the most stupid things. That then escalates because he adds insult to injury which gives the fight a whole other dimension. Whatever happens he tries to turn the tables so that he's off the hook. He never takes responsibility for his actions because, according to him, everything he says or does is a direct consequence of my behavior. What saddens me the most is that he really believes his own lies and excuses. He has created this perfect mental image of himself so whenever I say or do something that doesn't ring with what he likes to hear things get ugly. I know I am too confronting for him, I'm actually the first person that has ever stood up to him so it's new to him and during fights i become public enemy nr 1. He is scared as hell to look at himself.When we're not fighting or when I compliment him or sweettalk him he becomes the nicest person in the world because I then give him the impression that he is the man he desperately wants to be. Eventhough I have tried to weigh my words and stay calm, I too have my own personality and temper.

In conclusion, he is not willing to accept his ADD so no cure possible. I'm not able to be myself anymore and I constantly walk on eggshells. It's all about HIM...what about ME? I have thought about leaving but I'm afraid, as stupid as this might sound to you i'm just being completely honest, that he will find someone else rather quick that will somehow know the magic formula. Someone who will know exactly how to handle him and therefor have the perfect relationship with him. I think that's what scares me the most, finding out someday that he's happy with someone else, someone who can push his buttons in a good way, the way I never could.

Is this ridiculous? If so, can somebody talk me out of this fear?

At this point any advice is welcome

I am happy to find this forum. I have never written on one before, but I am a 52 yearold school teacher whose husband ran away with a 25 year old 4 years ago. I am quite certain, after a 29 year marriage, he had some psychological problems. That, however is another story.

I have been seeing another teacher for almost a year now, and I am astounded that he most certainly has a rather significant problem with ADHD. What is so amazing is that he is a special ed teacher (30 years), his 29 year old son is a special ed teacher, and many of his friends are teachers.

Is it possible that no one until me has ever been so sure that he has tis problem?

The problem is I really do love him. We have many things in common, and I would like to have a future with him, but I have two daughters, 25yrs and 22 yrs., and I have to consider their relationship with him, as well.

Is it possible for me to ask him if it has ever been mentioned to him before?

He has every symptom, and there is no doubt in my mind that his life would be improved immensely if he were to get some help.

He says I am the woman he has always hoped for, that I make his life better than it has ever been, but I am sure it is because I understand his ADHD, and I deal with him in an appropriate manner.

 I know that I cannot continue unless he can aknowledge this problem and learn to deal with it better.

The severe moods, inattention, forgetfulness, hyperfocusing, and the agony I see in him as every sense is overloaded on a daily basis makes me ache for him often.

Can someone please tell me how to approach this? His son? A friend? A professional?

Thanks.

J

My fiance has ADD. He is loving, sweet and caring, yet impatient, impulsive and disorganized. I didnt understand him at first. But then we talked about ADD and how it caused him some problems at work before. He always tells me to be patient with him and that he promises to get better. My question is on how to give him the support he needs? And we have another issue: we have a communication problem. He tends to get aggressive and defensive eve if we're only chit chatting. I would like to avoid these tensions and help him focus more.

I need advice and some useful practical tips.

I probably should wait to post or maybe this is not really appropriate for here. ( i think it is appropriate becuase it has to do with my ADHD and it affecting my marriage. If it is not I apologize.) this but I am wondering.... I have been ahving issues reagrding my ADHD and my marraige. Real quick startee about a year ago had been hyperfocusing on wife somthering her (overbearing). Didn't know that I was doing it. Fastforward got diagnosed with ADHD realzied that i had some thing to fix, thought that it would make it better. APperenly I have just been pushing it to try to get fixed and be happy togehter again, but i thnk that it just made it worse. Not giving it a rest and let it be. I have been told, maybe just in denial, in not so many words and not actually i want a divorce, but that it won't happen, that it is not gonna work and that I have pushed it to be fixed so far, that it is now unfixable. She has told me, just last night that she "loves me to more then anything(or something to that effect, However it was said I took it that she really still loves me.") and then she said that she can't live with in the same house as me, or something like that. Not verbatum but the best I can remember. I am/have been trying so hard to fix it, when it may never have been able to be fixed to begin with. This is what really confuses me or fustrates me really. I have been able to work on things to make it better and now that I am better i can't continue and build on it with her. WHile i have been trying to give her her space, i mainly just want to and have tried, sometiems harder then others, hence the problem, know that there is still something. I guess that is where i still need work, we were letting it work out and I didn't see it as a sign of that being positive. I just needed to be shown affection I guess. I lost my thought. Just that I wanted to still know that I was still gonna be her husband. I guess that is where the problem lies. I just wanted to know if I am grabbing at the moon or if I really need to admit it and say that it is done. I am always a postive thinker and always thnk everyrthing will work out and be OK ( in everything in general, although I know that it isn't always the case). I always try to remain positive. I guess this is just  a big defense mechanism. ANy thoughts on any of this?? Just curious...