It will soon be a year since I first came to this site with many months in between my last post.  My problems came to a peek when my ADD husband after I left the home began to fight me for the custody of our 2 children.  It truly got as bad as bad could get my “boy next door, good Christian man and best friend” became the most deceptive, malicious and irresponsible man I have ever met.  Despite my fears and pleas for assistance for intervention from “our mutual friends and family” for over 11 years, because I left my husband; I received no assistance. 

Nearly 7 moths of hell, $7,000.00, our business in shambles, and our home 10 days from  foreclosure, a light came on in my husbands mind and he just simply STOPPED fighting!  He asked me to consider reconcile, to which I said no.  And despite saying no, just like that he started to collaborate!  Within a week he signed over primary custody of our children to me!   He signed over primary custody, gave back to me the primary responsibility of managing the business and gave me access to move into our marital home or back to the state of my choosing.    

My ADD Husband spent more energy fighting me in 7 months then he did in the 11 years of our marriage trying to work on our problems.  In 7 months he spent more energy focusing on his hatred for me and how to destroy me, than addressing his ADD diagnosis.  My ADD husband filed for divorce faster and than he filed for his income tax return!  He paid his attorney before he paid for the mortgage.   He called his cronies to devise tactics before he would pick up the phone to call his children.

Only to in the end for $300.00 draft and file a custody agreement with the children living with me during the week and visiting him all the weekends but the last. 

So, here we are! Here I am on this site as if I am going through ADD Spouse withdrawals.  I’ve been gone for nearly 15 months and have entered into a new relationship.  My new relationship has its own problems, but NOTHING like those I had with my spouse, for the most part it is most everything I didn't have with my husband.  I've moved back to our joint state for the benefit of our children.  My ADD husband now lives 3 miles from my current home and for the past 4 months since I moved here.  It now begins to seem as if he is getting more and more comfortable with the arrangement., me living here alone and him living there alone.  Since we are not legally divorced, I still maintain access to our marital home.  I go and come as I please, to impose some discomfort that will help him get off the stick and get it ready for sale.  But, he is not phased by my ability to imposition him. 

Despite the fact that I am in another relationship, it is as if my ADD Husband is attempting to build a friendship with me again.  It is as if he has grown comfortable with himself beng alone and the kids sometimes. It is as if he is waiting on me, without my concent.  Praying for me, for us...scriptures, bibles everywhere.  Yet, when I go to the house I see he has let it go down hill, the piles of paper are everywhere and the bills are months behind.  His ADD is all over the house.  It is almost as if, I can now see how much I was doing.  THE MAN IS A MESS!  But, HE thinks he is ok and HE thinks he is making strides to gain my affection.  I don’t think there has been a weekend YET, where he can REMEMBER IF HE HAS THE KIDS!  Did you read, he has them “every weekend but the last.”

My problem:  I was once a committed Christian and I so desire the be whole spiritually again.  But, look at me now.  Look at my “walk.”  I am gone and in another relationship and here is my husband.  I loved the commitment of being married, I just hated my marriage.  But I miss what marriage meant to me and my children.  I can not go back to what was, but I want to go back for what MAY be.  I come to this site to remind myself of the dysfunction that I left; but now with the reality of diagnosis of ADD (one received a month before I left and refuted 2 months after I left).  Its not his fault.  But, its not mine either!  Yet, I feel like the guilty one. 

I haven’t said a word of reconciliation to my husband.  I haven’t even hinted to a plan of any kind.  But, I want to try… I want him to try.  I want us to go to counseling, I want him to be the man I have now but with OUR 11 year commitment, I want him to take his medication and I want to rebuild...I want him to have leaned SOMETHING and invest the same energy as he did to destroy everything to building everything aknew.  But, I am TERRIFIED to go back, leave what I have and end up with less than what I had before I left.  I am afraid I am being idealistic... again, setting unrealistic expectations...again and having hope...again.

Yes, I can forgive my husband.  Yes, I can work hard and commit to my marriage.  U understand now that my husband "needs glasses," he can not "focus" on his own.  I can not be his eyes and I can not blame him for his vision.  But, can he wee his life ... OUR LIFE with the ADD…truly.  I don’t want to live like this and I don’t want to live like that.  I feel as if I am being punished, challenged and about to fail a trial as a Christian and as a mother or win personal victory.for my own survival.  I feel this is greatest challenge of my life and I simply don’t know what the challenge is? 

L

I suffer with ADHD hyperactivity and impulsivity.  As a kid, I was diagnosed with ADHD with the same issues when I was in kindergarten.  I took ritalin up until I started high school and my parents took me off of it b/c I became involved in sports.  I graduated from high school and went on to college and graduated.  I am 42 now and am successful in my career.

About 5 months ago, my wife and I started to have some marriage difficulties which really brought a lot of my adhd symptoms to the service.  I read both of Dr. Hallowell's books and, unknowingly, I have managed to survive and be fairly successful by applying the tips to be successfully manage my adhd symptoms without medication for all of these years.  Nonetheless, I am an adult sufferer of ADHD and this has caused A LOT of damage to my marriage.

My wife is the love of my life.  Nonetheless, about 5 months ago she felt that she was becoming lost in our marriage and she lost herself and her identity.  In the process, she built up a lot of anger and resentment towards me.  In all of this, the communication between the two of us broke down and she put up huge walls around herself to protect herself b/c I over reacted by not being the sole focus of her life.  I don't want to be her sole focus but I also do not want to be no focus either.

Over the past five months she has taken off her wedding rings.  Moved me into our daughter's bedroom.  Has told me on a few occasions that she wants a divorce.  Has given me the "I need space" lecture many times to figure things out. 

Three months ago, I went to the psychiatrist and he started me back again on fast acting Ritalin.  During the day, I seem to focus pretty well.  The meds work for about 4 hours and then wear off.  I take 10 mg 3x's /day. 

Around 8 o clock, I start to lose focus and we get into our arguements around bedtime.  I think part of it is I want to let her know that I am trying and I love her. Also, I am pissed b/c I want back in my bed with my wife.  My daughter's bed is too short and I can't get a good night sleep.  We fight or argue around 10 o clock and the next day I get up and say...why did I do that?  Is there a rebound or withdrawl effect  b/c the meds are wearing off.

The problem is I set out to try and give her the space that she needs but I continually blow up every attempt that I make to try and do this.  I can go for about 3-5 days but then I do something stupid.  I don't want to go another 5 months let alone five days like this.

All I want is for my wife and I to be happy.  She realizes that I have add but she says that that shouldn't be an excuse for my behavior.  I love her and the kids and she says for me to show her rather than tell her. 

If anyone has experienced this or can provide help or insight...I am willing to listen.

I don't want to lose my wife and family.  But because I have blown things up so much...she thinks my word isn't very good right now.

Please help!!!

I am a 29 year old woman diagnosed with ADHD 2 years ago.I have been in a replationship for 11 years now , and married for the last year and a half. My husband and I are thinking of having kids and are seeing a marrige counselor now to go through alot of issues before we take that big leap (eek).

But my bigest hold up in this whole process and one I have found extremly limited information about is, if I am taking Adderall (and that lack of info is not just linked to this drug), and I want to get pregnant what should I do.

My  delima is, I have progressed so well on my medication inconjunction with increasing my skills in terms of coping, organizing etc that I am in a work situation where I really feel (along woth my psycologist) that I would not be able to do my job without the help of medication, I would have to go part time and give up alot of what I do, or get fired. I have tried (or forgotten to take medication on work days) and have had a really hard time. When I explained it to my husband, and it made the most sense I sdid it this way.... When you have the flu but you need to go to work you go and you do you job, but every minute is a struggle. You can't think straight, you keep forgetting what you were doing, you make mistakes but every 5 minutes you have to give youself a peptalk to keep going. That is what is feels like for me at work with ne meds. The thought of having to do that for 1= years between tring to have a baby and actually doing so is unbearable.

My Psycatrist (diffrent from my regular therapist) says that she doesn't like to prescribe it to pregnant women at all. My OBGyn says he doesn't like to unless the benefits outweigh the risks. My regular dr says I should talk to the other two. My psycologist (whom I have seen weekly for 2 years now) has also found very little information, she even said that one person told her that european OBGyn's were more likley to be OKay with perscribing a stimulant during pregnancy, but that is the best she has heard. I feel like none of them really know what to say to me because there are no studies.

When I read through forums and blogs online like this one it is just women who also don't know waht to do(http://family.go.com/parenting/) sharing what limited information they have, but having one women in Iowa who lied to her doctor and stayed on the drugs and had a healthy baby at delivery is not what I consider good data to go by.

ADD books and magazines have little to no information in them. Even the Women in Add book had only 2 paragraphs (two freaking paragraphs!) on the topic. They all say talk to you doctor.... some women have reduced symptoms during pregnancy etc... Well, my doctor and it seems most other doctors don't know either.

It is hard to imagine that there is no data outhere to help make an informed decision.

I just feel that in a marrige having kids is a huge decesion, and staying on medication is a logistical complication that ADD brings into the mix that no one seems to want to touch with a 10 foot pole.

We've been married over a year. We really do love each other, I swear. But lately, I'm concerned about how he treats me. He is responsibly addressing his ADHD (I guess) by seeing a doctor. He takes concerta, prozac, and some other drug (recently) for road rage. (I can't believe there even IS such a drug!)

He is responsible, intellegent and functional. But he seems to lack some "emotional intellegence or compassion." Lately, he is sharp, sarcastic, short-tempered, and basically not pleasant to be around at all. The smallest thing sets him off and he often over-reacts to life's small frustrations. Oh, and he is ALWAYS right.

I'm a very strong woman, and his words do not affect how I feel about myself in general. But if I were not strongly grounded, I think I would be well on my way to a low self esteem -because of the way he speaks to me and treats me sometimes. He has explained that is a symptom of his "ADHD" but I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around this.

Sometimes it's embarrassing to be around other people. If friends were to witness our interaction at the wrong time, it would appear that he is a macho, cocky, know-it-all husband and I am the submissive, weaker, wife. (Which is NOT the case at all because I would never put myself in relationship like that...or at least that's what I've always thought.)

I'm almost to the point where I'll go out of my way to avoid him. But it's kind of hard since we live together. I'm not a nag. I give him plenty of space. If he were my boyfriend, I'd probably arrange a strategy to avoid him for several days so he could appreciate me more when we got together.

We have had conversations about this. He has explained that he is unaware of his tone and delivery and blames it on his ADHD. But I'm tired of bringing it to his attention.

I really care for him and love him. He frequently assures me that he loves me too. Despite his time-bomb shortness, there is much love and respect in our relationship.

It makes me sad to see him living with so much anger. I try very very hard not to take it personally and consider his illness. How much of this anger is related to personality? medication? ADHD?

Thanks