Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Why is my ADHD husband so short tempered and angry? by: AJ 16 years 5 months ago

    We've been married over a year. We really do love each other, I swear. But lately, I'm concerned about how he treats me. He is responsibly addressing his ADHD (I guess) by seeing a doctor. He takes concerta, prozac, and some other drug (recently) for road rage. (I can't believe there even IS such a drug!)

    He is responsible, intellegent and functional. But he seems to lack some "emotional intellegence or compassion." Lately, he is sharp, sarcastic, short-tempered, and basically not pleasant to be around at all. The smallest thing sets him off and he often over-reacts to life's small frustrations. Oh, and he is ALWAYS right.

    I'm a very strong woman, and his words do not affect how I feel about myself in general. But if I were not strongly grounded, I think I would be well on my way to a low self esteem -because of the way he speaks to me and treats me sometimes. He has explained that is a symptom of his "ADHD" but I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around this.

    Sometimes it's embarrassing to be around other people. If friends were to witness our interaction at the wrong time, it would appear that he is a macho, cocky, know-it-all husband and I am the submissive, weaker, wife. (Which is NOT the case at all because I would never put myself in relationship like that...or at least that's what I've always thought.)

    I'm almost to the point where I'll go out of my way to avoid him. But it's kind of hard since we live together. I'm not a nag. I give him plenty of space. If he were my boyfriend, I'd probably arrange a strategy to avoid him for several days so he could appreciate me more when we got together.

    We have had conversations about this. He has explained that he is unaware of his tone and delivery and blames it on his ADHD. But I'm tired of bringing it to his attention.

    I really care for him and love him. He frequently assures me that he loves me too. Despite his time-bomb shortness, there is much love and respect in our relationship.

    It makes me sad to see him living with so much anger. I try very very hard not to take it personally and consider his illness. How much of this anger is related to personality? medication? ADHD?

    Thanks

     

     

  • Codependency and when to leave the relationship by: outdoorsgirl1974 16 years 5 months ago

    As I read a lot of posts,I see the same issue of the non ADD spouse wondering when enough is enough.My question is a two part one and I am interested to hear what Melissa has to say as well as others thoughts.

    At what point do you leave the relationship and when is it considered being codependant and "Unhealthy?"

    It seems ADD by nature has all the codependant signs to go with it.It sets you up for being that way as a lot of times your forced to "take care" of everything.You then get into trying to control their actions,mothering,nagging,etc. for the well being of the family.So is it not considered codependant and a "Healthy relationship" if they ARE self sufficient?(Taking meds,counseling,reading the books,trying hard to be responsible,etc.)However if they are NOT making an effort at all then it would be considered an "Unhealthy relationship"??Am I understanding that correctly?

    As I currently am in a class for this very thing..codependancy,which is very helpful...for me it raises the question...Ok how is this different than a drug/alchohol/sexual addiction where they refuse to change or get help?In that case,anyone would say..."Oh yes!The healthy decision is to get out of the relationship ASAP and move on with healing yourself!"Yet when it is ADD you get a different response of..."Well they have ADD and can't help it so you should be sympathetic and put up with it." My question is,how is it different when they ALL show the same behaviors of not wanting to change?Granted,those are addictions and this is ADD,but the behaviors are the same of refusing to change and telling you where they think you should put those books,ideas of counseling,etc...where the sun don't shine...if you know what I mean.

    It just seems that no one speaks of the facts,that being in an ADD relationship COULD be unhealthy.Instead of..."Oh you need to work with them,feel sorry for them,etc!"Don't they have the same responsibilites as all responsible adults do in this world?The consequences of the alcholic who won't go to rehab is he looses his family.The consequence all too often with ADD is that the partner sticks it out and trys even harder next time and so the cycle continues.I agree that you have to try all avenues and be willing to work at it...but there comes a point when some of us are starting to give up who we are as individuals in extreme ways.Is it as simple as..."If they are willing to work with you and are open to change...then stay.If they are not willing to work with you at all and refuse to change...leave!"I don't know because there are so many excuses society puts out there because its "ADD",so it makes it a double edged sword for the non ADD spouse and you feel so guilty if you do leave....because after all,"they can't help it!"I am not trying to be mean...its just something to think about.

    I told my therapist just last week what is going on in my relationship....all the very same things everyone on here talks about.The frustration,the sadness,the loneliness,the anger,etc and her response was..."Your not in a healthy relationship".So doesn't that proove my argument correct?After all..thats coming from a professional.Anytime your needs aren't being met,thats considered unhealthy....right?So I then told her...."Well...OK...but he doesn't beat me,he isn't verbally abusive,doesn't cheat,etc."She said,thats setting the standard too low.Your settling for a relationship that isn't working for you".A lot of these posts are..."not working for the non ADD partner"...so what do you do?They refuse to change or "not recognize how their ADD affects everything"....so when do you leave if it turns "Unhealthy"?How long SHOULD you put up with it?If it was a drunk were talking about,society would say get out...NOW!Its all the same feelings for the spouse...so if you think about it,what is the difference?I also get how it is a personal decision for everybody and it isn't anyone else's place to determine when YOU should get out and in the end it does have to be your decision...but just some general opinions would be great!

    I may be completely in left field on this,but I keep thinking about it..what is anybody else's thoughts?

  • Help Me Please by: HelenJ 16 years 6 months ago

    I was married to my husband for five years.  I was not told by his family of any problems. After we were married I began to notice strange behavior.  He seemed easily frustrated, he was always on the go, he would fly off quickly, he always felt as if he was the lesser person.  After about a year I spoke with family members about him and they told me of his behavior as a child.  He had attempted suscide several times, he would leave school, he was then and still is now a loner.  His social skills are strange to me, He would tell me he felt intimated by me.  His sleeping habits are not good. I was his 4th wife and now he's going to marry the 5th one.  We argured all the time, He said I lost him when we talked, he only liked to talk about 15 min, he would focus on tv a lot.  I was often referred as a southern black woman by him, he spoke very low of women from the south, even though he was born in the south.  We are now divorced and I have suffered a lot of emotional damage, often used profanity with me, he would always be sad afterwards. what I don't understand is how he could control it so well, Around people he is quiet.  Now that we are divorced, I have tried to remain friends with him but I find it difficult to do so.  He lashes out at me from time to time still it hurts badly.  He said I talk to much, when I ask what did I say he responds, see you talk to much.  Can someone help me, I need the him it has been a tremendous emotional strain on me.

    Thanks 

  • Irresponsible Husband by: Annette 16 years 6 months ago

    My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years.  We have two children...the youngest is autistic. My life is extremely stressful.  I strongly suspect that my husband has ADD.  Trying to get communicate with him is a very frustrating process.  He often leaves out a lot of the details when it comes to topics such as finances.  I'm left trying to fill in the gaps of what really happened.  His explanations often don't make any sense and sometimes he lies.  His memory is very poor...he'll swear up and down that he doesn't remember the details to recent conversations. There always seems to be a problem with his paycheck or his checking account.  Basically, it's one wild excuse after another. 

    Now, my husband doesn't take drugs...I know this for a fact.  I've read about the symptoms of Adult ADD and I'm convinced that this is what my husband has.  I've tried to get him to go to doctor to be evaulated and tested for ADD, but he refuses to go.  The strain of having an autistic child is very enormous and it's emotionally and physically draining.  I love my son with all my heart.  But, having a husband he can't seem to get it together is frustrating.  I often have to cover for his share of the rent (because there's always a problem with his paycheck or bank account) and I have to buy groceries most of the time.  Even though my kids have a father in the home, I still feel like a single parent.  I deal with the following drama almost every day:

    His wallet or keys have gotten lost again

    ATM Card lost or he 'forgot' his PIN number (can't access his cash)

    Frequent bounced checks resulted in NSFs (can't manage a checkbook--I'm glad that we have separate accounts because I can't trust him)

    Failure to keep appointments/obligations

    Fails to set his alarm clock when he has to go to work:  I have to wake him up as if I'm his mother

    I'm sooo tired of him...he's ruined my credit twice.  At the same time, I'm getting physically sick because of the huge toll on me everyday.  I'm experiencing anxiety attacks and having frequent crying spells...I resent having to be the one to pull nearly all of the  weight.  I wish he would get a second job, but he procrastinates a lot.  He's always finding excuses. I'm so sick of it.  Even when things aren't his fault, I find myself blaming him anyway.  I guess I've become numb to his excuses and don't wan to hear it anymore.  I getting sick all of the time because of the heavy stress and my doctor advised me that I need to go on medical leave.  But, I'm afraid to do that because I can't trust my husband to handle the household expenses.  Whenever the rent is due, I always make it a point to give the payment to the landlord myself because I can't trust my husband with that kind of responsibility.  Years ago, when we first got married, I let him give the rent to the manager and somehow, they never received the money.  He lost the money order and we eventually, got evicted because of this mishap.  He's had his car repo'd twice and has had his wages garnished at least three times since we've been married.  I constantly have to remind him to do this and that.  It's crazy!!  At this point, I just want out of the marriage.  I no longer respect my husband...he's suffocating me.

     

     

     

  • Defiance, Denial and ADD by: other_half 16 years 6 months ago

    Hi. New user with a bunch of questions. I'll start with the main one -- are defiance and denial part of AD/HD?

    My wife has ADD and is on meds for it. There are times where she'll voluntarily bring up problems that she has -- managing money, wanting things 'her' way, etc. -- sometimes even joking about it. But when I try to bring these issues up she goes ballistic -- fiercely denying things she admitted to on a different day and trying to change the subject or pin it on me.  I'm extremely careful to not be demeaning or accusatory when I talk to her, but it doesn't matter. She fights me tooth and nail and is often insulting and hurtful.

    There are a number of other potential factors -- she has clincal depression (which she's on meds for as well), a terrible relationship with her mother, etc -- but I'm wondering how much of this may be ADD, how much may be another factor and how much may be me (as she often suggests)?

    Any personal advice, as well as good articles, books, Web site, etc would be great. Thanks.

  • ADD and raising kids by: outdoorsgirl1974 16 years 6 months ago

    I would like to get some advice on an issue that is causing great anxiety for me.I am living with my boyfriend and his biggest ADD problem is forgetting and misplacing things.It has raised a huge red flag for me in that,if I have kids with this man some day....is he going to be able to be a responsible father and help to raise them?Or will he forget about them and their needs to the point of jepardizing their safety because he "forgets" so much.What if he leaves them in the hot car one day,forgets to pick them up at daycare,forgets they are in the bathtub,etc,etc.

    I am curious what others have experienced in this department.How is it once you have kids?Do you ever leave your ADD partner alone with your own kids or do you "always" have them in your sight?(We are not engaged or anything yet)but am I overreacting with this or should this be a real concern and how do I handle it?

    Also,he is not on any form of medication at all....yet.I was told the meds are very helpful in helping the ADD person focus.So this brings up another issue......He said he would try some meds,but I know he really doesn't want to...he is doing it for me.He even goes back and forth with saying he will try meds,then he won't,etc.So am I wrong by giving him an ultimatum in saying,"Look,In looking into my future with you,I am concerned about all this forgetting and how you will be able to raise kids and still be safe with them.Therefore,I really need you to try this medication,otherwise I don't feel I can stay in this relationship."Yes,it may be manipulation and I can't make someone get on meds...but it also may be the truth.I may honestly end this with him because I also fear that I will be a single parent and never trust him alone with the kids,etc.However if meds help...then I could go into a future with him with a LOT more peace.

    So am I jumping the gun and overreacting with worry and anxiety about the future or??Normally I am not a pill pusher and wouldn't force meds on anyone...but in this case....when it is a safety issue...that seems different.The "current" things that he forgets...I can deal with,but you throw kids in the picture and that is different.Any advice?

     

  • What must I do by: devinandkendra 16 years 6 months ago

    Hello, I am a twenty-three year old husband and father. I have an extreme case of ADHD. I was diagnosed as a child and have never grew out of it. Instead it seemed to worsen over time for me. As a child I had many nicknames such as the son of the Devil in fact my ADHD was so bad I was suspended and almost expelled my second day of Kidnergarden. Yes I took medications which did help some but it was too late I was already alienated from everyone including my own family which has lasted even to this day. For awhile I actually had control of my ADHD probaly because i was always active physically and mentally. But as i turned 20 it seemed to comeback but at an even worse rate. I have now even gotten a severely bad temper in which I yell, scream and argue even more now with my wife whose is a non-ADHD spouse than I did as a child. Whats also worse is that I used to try to do things around the house but now I plan and promise to do something but I never do not even the dishes. I used to spend a lot of time with my wife before but now its rare if I do if when she begs and cries for me to I still don't . Its even hard for me to pay attention to my child instead I am usually either watching TV, playing video games, on the computer, or some other stupid thing. I even started to treat our dog badly since our daughter was born. I have no kind of income or anything right now to afford our rent, and other bills let alone the medication or doctor visit. By the way there are not many jobs here in the area including fast food. So the stress added to it is making me even worse as to where i don't really want to do much but eat, sleep, and watch TV. I have no idea what to do because this is causing a major strain in my marriage and more. So can anyone please help me or any advice you can give will be appreciated. Thank you for your time and patience.

  • extremely frusterating end to a very serious relasonship...HELP by: firerescue 16 years 6 months ago

    So here is the jist of my story I had been dating the girl i meet in colorado for 9 months we decided to move out east to pa so she could take over her family's business and i could continue my firefighting career out east. So we packed up and drove out east. We get here and things got hard. new place,people,area,no family,no friends, for me anyways. So lets go back a few years i was diagnoised with adhd when i was 7 and put on ridlin for a few years. I was in an IEP class all through school. (individual education plan). Adhd was a big part of my life when i turned 18 i told myself i had grown out of it well when we made it out east my adhd hit hard more so then it has sience i can remember. Well her parents specialize in none medicated forms of treatment for adhd. there professional psychologists. They use Nuerofeed back, well i sat down with them and told them my adhd problem which they had suspected. So i had to fill out and intake sheet for the sessions and evaluations to begin. the intake sheet  showed pretty much everything bad thing about my younger life adhd, parents divorces, hard times in school, abuse. which she already knew about. well one saturday i had to work it was the morning i filled out my intake sheet. she sat down and read it while i was gone. and just so you know we were so happy and so in love or so i thought. things were great. we moved here together were living with her parents good times ahead.i came home from work and she was distent i asked to talk to her. so we went down stairs she brought the intake sheet. she said that she doesent think that i can give her the life she wants. and my adhd and my past life is to much for her to deal with. so she left me. totally a shock didnt see it comein. we were so happy. now im in a wierd situation living at her parents and she has turned cold and emotionless to me. so im trying to move out get two jobs go to the fire academy and volunteer at a fire station. life just got 1000 times harder which is ok . before we moved out here i asked her many many times if this gets hard we have to stay together and be there for each other she said we were stronger then ever and will will be there for each other no matter how hard it gets so i trusted her.it seems like i go through relasonships there great for so long then they just fall apart all at ounce???????im still going to get nuerofeedback from her parents which is great. i want to try everything to get her back and i have been but nothing is working she says she still loves and cares about me but i dont know. i want her back but is it worth it????????????????thanks for reading. i appreciate every response.

    corey

  • Sinking into depression by: Partner Has ADHD 16 years 6 months ago
    Hi all. I am new here and I have a partner who has adhd. I have ocd. Together we have problems.

    I'm posting here because I don't want to feel alone any more. I'd like to talk to others who feel the same feelings I do.


    Feeling alone. We don't have any kids and even when she's home she's in her own little world. We can be sitting side by side on the couch and I will talk to her but she won't hear a word I say. I can ask her to do something simple like take the garbage out or put the clothes in the dryer from the washer and it won't get done because she either doesn't hear me or forgets. And it's completely impossible to have a conversation. I feel so lonely. I moved away from my friends and family to move in with her so for a while I was on my own in a new area. When I'm home it's still like I am alone. She can sit and stare at a wall for hours.

    Organization. Like I said, I'm ocd. I'm also kind of a neat person. I like things to be tidy and organized. I don't like to have to trip over clothing on the floor, newspapers left over from a week ago, etc. I can't stand the sink being full of dirty dishes or the carpets full of dog hair. (We have 3 dogs). She does nothing around the house except for her own laundry. I do all the cooking, cleaning, yard work, taking care of the dogs, the cats and I work full time and volunteer in the community.

    I don't think I would mind doing all the work around the house if my partner was a little more interactive. Instead when she gets home from work she complains about how tired she is and how she just wants her down time. That lasts until about 9pm when she gets some sort of radical energy streak. By then I am tired and ready to sit down and am in no mood for her energy streak.

    Medication.     She's been prescribed Ritalin, 20mg. She sometimes remembers to take it and is supposed to take it every 4 hours but only takes it in the morning and maybe in the afternoon but she forgets to take it all the time.

    Irritability...wow. I have never met anyone that can be so snippy. She gets irritated very easily with me. Very simple things are incredible triggers to her. I walk on egg shells around someone who doesn't hear me when I talk.

    Sleeping through the alarm clock. She can not get up in the morning. She had to change her schedule so it allowed her to start work later in the day because she couldn't get up early enough. She's not a morning person.

    Lateness. She is late or almost late for everything. I am a very punctual person and it drives me nuts.

    Selfishness. She only ever thinks of herself. If something around the house affects her, it will get done. A good example of that is her laundry. Her laundry will get done because she knows it's one thing I WILL NOT do. And if she doesn't do it...it won't get done and therefore she will be affected. If she's on her way home from work and stops for take out, she doesn't call me and ask if I want something or even just grab something and surprise me.

    Intimacy. I have a problem feeling intimate with someone I have to take care of. I've had no desire for quite some time now. I've had no drive at all to be honest. No chance of straying outside of the relationship even if I did. I'm a very faithful person...and devoted. That's why I'm here, to vent this all out.

    Depression and Exhaustion on my part. I am exhausted. Completely and utterly exhausted. When I sit down at the end of the night it's usually on my bed...not on the couch. From the minute I get home from work it's go go go. I usually start by getting dirty dishes out of the sink and putting them in the dishwasher. Then on to feed the dogs and let them out. Then I either do laundry (mine), vacuum, mop, cook, mow the grass, clean out the litter box and the list goes on until about 9 or 10 at night. Then I go to sleep, get up at 7 and do it all over again. I'm depressed too. I cry because I am so lonely.

    Is it laziness? Is she just lazy? How can you tell someone to put the clothes from the washer into the dryer as you're walking up the stairs to get in the shower, make it a point to repeat yourself at the top of the steps, get in the shower and get out to find her in front of her computer, laundry forgotten.



    I'm tired. I'm lonely. I walk on egg shells so I won't irritate her. I love her with all my heart. I just need some help.
  • I Can't stop being nasty by: matt690 16 years 6 months ago

    I have been married for 3 months, before we were married my wife and I were together for 4 years, The problem is that i can't stop being nasty to her and i feel ashamed and disgusted at myself for the things i say to her, I love her so much and don't know why i do it but if i have a bad day or something i just take it out on her and when we argue (usualy she starts an argument over something i haven't done) it always escalates into a huge fight and i say some aweful things, then afterwards i regret it and think there was no need for any of it to have happened. I am almost certain i have ADHD i have all the symptoms i have read about to a pretty extreme degree so its either that or i the biggest asshole in the world and have been since i was about 13, I am going to the doctor on thursday to try to get treatment but i'm worried they will not take it seriously and fob me off. I don't know what to do all i want is to be a normal couple and i am destorying our future together i feel at the moment that i should end things for her sake because she doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

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