I am a non ADD spouse entering into our 19th year of marriage. We have had major communication difficulties right from the beginning, and LOTS of marriage counseling. We ended up separating in our 13th year. It was during this time that I came across a one page article entitled ‘Can your marriage be saved?’ The husband was ADHD. WOW! That article explained my husband to a T, (he’s ADD) and has also helped me understand what was holding back our son. My husband moved back home 3 years later, and we have both made a concentrated effort towards reconciliation.
Both boys have been taking Adderall, which has been extremely helpful. We are in the process of finding the proper anti-depressant medication for my husband. We started on Effexor, moved over to Welbutrin and have now added on Paroxetine. I have requested that he ask his doctor for a substitute for the Paroxetine, as this has caused erectile dysfunction.
I very much enjoy the sexual act, and the intimacy that it provides. My husband has always found it a waste of time, and puts it off until he absolutely has too. Previous to taking the Paroxetine, he may have balked at having to have sex, however he did get into it, and enjoyed it. Now, he finds it an extreme bother .
We are very opposite, I am highly emotional, and he is very logical. The early years have left a long line of disappointments, anger and resentment. I have made it a priority to find out all there is to know about ADD. I have worked very hard at trying to forgive, thank you Dr. Hallowell for that wonderful book on ‘Dare to Forgive’, and I am now reading ‘Real Love’ the truth about finding unconditional love and fulfilling relationships, by Greg Baer. Together, we created a flowchart (remember…very logical) showing that we are still very much apart, and are struggling to obtain some sort of intimacy. We plotted intimacy as respect, honesty, trust, and passion. If we can obtain the intimacy needed, it would then provide us with peace.
We have accomplished respect for one another. We are working hard, and moving forward on the honesty and trust. However, the passion is severely lacking. To him, love is love, and sex is sex. They are not intertwined. He equates love and intimacy with hugging and cuddling, which he is making an effort to provide. I equate love and intimacy to hugging, cuddling and at times the act of sex. It brings me to a deeper level of intimacy.
Being ADD has caused difficulty with commitment, as focus falls by the wayside. The act of sex is another commitment that he feels he has to fill, therefore he has difficulty. He would prefer that I find that portion of intimacy outside of our relationship.
This is very uncomfortable. I don’t think finding another gentleman to satisfy my desire for sex is a good idea. We already struggle with communication. Keeping secrets like this will definitely destroy the trust and honesty that we are trying to achieve. Love and sex are intertwined. I have tried explaining that having sex with another man could open the door to me finding intimacy with that man. There are some very deep consequences to this type of arrangement.
Please can you advise me on how to proceed? Thank you.
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- Intimacy by: mdraper 16 years 11 months ago
- Aderall XR? by: Robert Johnson 16 years 11 months ago
Good Afternoon, My wife and I have been married for a little over a year and she is taking Adderall XR. Does anyone know of any adverse effects it might have on, over-focusing on the negative in a relationship, increasing hostility, causing "bi-polar" type symptoms (rapid mood swings) or anything like that? She was not on it before marriage, started slightly after and I swear she is a different person from when we got married. Thank you Bob, NY
- Anger/Confusion/Thinking related to ADHD/Medication? by: Robert Johnson 16 years 11 months ago Hello, I'm starting to lose home in my marriage. I love my wife very much and we have been married for a little over a year. She is diagnosed with ADHD and is confident in talking about it and feels she is in total control of its symptoms. She is taking Adderall and has been for long before we were married. Everything we do ends in conflict, from household chores to planning a vacation. I know that communcation is key and I know that i'm not perfect but, we can be talking about anything, and if I use one wrong word to describe something, the entire conversation is ignored and the one word is focused on, whether it be to accuse me of changing facts, accusing her of something, taking a stab or just flat out missing the point. I know she has "hyper focus" type tendencies ... can this be associated with her condition? What can I do to make this work better? There is so much anger and unhappiness ... I have stopped talking since everything I say gets disected and used against me in some way ... I don't think she is this way on purpose ... Any thoughts would be appreciated. Bob, NY
- Help with chores and communication by: Robert Johnson 16 years 11 months ago I've been married for a year to a wife with diagnosed ADHD (since childhood) who is very comfortable with her diagnosis and feels she has a very firm grasp and control of her condition. It has become one of the scenarios discussed elsewhere ... since we have moved in she has never cleaned up her things, she is still unpacked from a trip 2 months ago. I do everything I can to keep everything I own put away and clean. We made a job list a few months back of who is responsible for what. I do mine consistantly and to her nagging specifications, she has yet to do the bulk of her jobs. She is currently unemployed but when I come home from 8 hours I honestly cannot tell anything has been done. She occasionally will do one small task but on the whole nothing happens. I try and talk with her ... but I always get told she is very busy and gets things done. The one time I didn't do my job for the week I got a lecture on how we both need to do our jobs. Any time I try and help or even suggest something with ADHD (which she loves to talk about and tell me how well she is in control) it ends ugly. She is on Adderall XR and I honestly think she's a nicer person when she is off of it (and gets more done). I really don't know what to do ... I am terrified what will happen when we have children and she runs our household. I have no problem working and helping with chores but i'm working full time, doing all the chores, I cook every meal and .... I'm usually the one in the doghouse. Can someone please suggest where she is and what I can do to help her understand the importance of this teamwork. If she is going to be the master of the household ... she needs to start doing it. The negativity and everything else is just mounting in our marriage. Thanks Bob, NY
- Contact with other women with ADD/ADHD? by: ccs 16 years 11 months ago Hello! I would like to get contact with other women who has ADD/ADHD or men who is together with a woman who has ADD/ADHD. I´m from Sweden and I´m 37 years old and have just discovered that I have ADHD. I eat no medication yet and I´m in the process of a diagnosis. I´m afraid to tell my fiance about this, he doesn´t know tha I have ADHD.. We don´t live together so he doesn´t see me all the time, and all the things that I do... I have a child, a son, who is wonderful to me. He´s 17 years old and lives with me. // CCS Contact me on this e-mail: u2@live.se
- Help for Mixed ADHD Couple Teleseminar by: livingwithadd 16 years 11 months ago Date: Wednesday January 30, 2008 Time: 4:00 pm EST Cost: Free This class will introduce mixed ADHD couples (one partner with, and one without, ADHD) to ideas and strategies that will support them in having a happy and successful relationship. *Because this special teleseminar is being offered in the afternoon a free recording of the class will be available for registered Teleseminar participants. Sign up now at http://www.addclasses.com
- Both partners have ADD..cauding communication challenges by: pinkldybugg 16 years 12 months ago I grew up knowing I have ADHD. Fortunately I had teacher who recognized it and I got the accommodations I needed and have managed to be somewhat effective in life using behavior modification. I am not medicated because I tend to not do well with the side effects. I have also been fortunate enough to work in Education, which has given me more opportunity to learn about ADHD. I believe my boyfriend has it severely he has some stung symptoms and a very negative outlook on life because of peoples reaction to him over the years. I am at point that I would like to move forward but he cannot think past day to day. Although we have talked about getting married and looked at rings it always ends up in disappointment because he can't follow through or is not there even thought he wants to be. Lately our discussions turn into a large series of” you don't understand” or other things. What’s funny is we both understand more than the other thinks. Anyways...my over anxiousness and his diffusely planning ahead are really challenging for us. He often goes Un-responsive or says he can’t process things. I talk too much and get really hung up on things. The marriage thing is not the only reason for concern. He will not respond to me in a timely manner like when it is time to decide what to do when our lease is up, or when we can use those tickets I earned before they expire or anything like that..He fall asleep alot (I suspect because he keeps himself under so much control all day) I get anxious easily so being the opposite end of the symptom spectrum is sometimes a challenge... I love him so much and really want us to work...would counseling and medication help on both ends. I am so self-conscious about my personality as it is. So if it would make me calmer less talkative that would be huge plus. We actually both will avoid social situations on some level. He and I have been eachothers best friend long before the dating and living together happened because we feel each is the only one who gets the other (unless the other is causing the stress) What Can I do to be more effective...I do not want to give up on us. He is my best friend in the whole world. I have the most fun with him and he is absolutely the love of my life... I try to be patient (because that is what I would want) I'm thinking we should see one of those counselors who help the individuals and also the couple because then he know all situation in and out and can help on more level than it we had 3 different ones....Can 2 pople with simular learning disabilties and different coping stragies have a happily ever after??
- Therapist Suggestion to Be More Separate Not Helpful by: Anonymous (not verified) 17 years 19 hours ago
My husband didn't find out that he was add/adhd until a year ago, at age 51. We've been married 24 years now, and the damage that has been done over the course of so many years is overwhelming. We are now trying to communicate in ways like you've suggested here. My husband is now on Concerta and is in therapy, we've just started couple's counseling, and I am getting my own therapist now. (we are in a new location)
I can see where my reactions to the adhd were and still are at times like so many other non- adders. But, I am getting upset by how my husband is interpreting his counselors suggestions about having me be so "seperate". We have lived for years as roomates, and I don't want this to continue. We have lived seperate lives and a great deal of that became a way of life for my husband.
I know I need my "own" things, which I've always had, but being physically disabled by a chronic pain disability now prevents me from working a full time job, and it limits me as to how much "seperate" I can be from the house, etc. As far as interaction, I wrongly reacted by grasping at any time or interaction I could get by becoming more involved with my husband's life, but that drove him further away, and I lost myself in the process.
Now, we know that we were both affecting the relationship, but my husband has broken away from the relationship so completely it doesn't look like we will be able to recover. He said he wanted me to give him a chance to prove he could be the husband he wanted to be, but his inability to even touch me or even approach talking about subjects that we need to is also becoming overwhelming.
Are there any suggestions you could give me for trying to begin a better relationship by the responses I have, etc?
- Do People Choose Specific Types of Spouses? by: Anonymous (not verified) 17 years 19 hours ago
I was diagnosed ADHD fairly recently (two years ago in my late 30s). I find that much of the conflict in my own marriage arised from my wife's suspicion that my behavior is poor character rather than physiological. This is of course partly true in this sense: my character developed the way it developed because I had ADHD and was not diagnosed until my character had been formed and reinforced for years. I was ADHD when we married. There was no bait and switch because I have always had difficulties with organization and planning and executing tasks. I am from any "normal" standard quite accomplished despite this fact, although I am not too much help around the house. I add to chaos even when I am trying to fight it. My wife, who is skeptical about 1) the existence of ADHD; 2) my own diagnosis; and 3) my own sincerity in my efforts to improve, thinks that having been diagnosed and prescribed medications I should now have all the good qualities she liked about me and none of the qualities she does not like. Would that this were true -- maybe -- but it is not true.
I am beginning to suspect that just as people who marry alchoholics frequently have their own dysfunctions, so too do people who chose to marry someone with the behaviors associated with ADHD. My wife used to find my befuddled character charming and to like my spontaneous wit and creativity. Now she has to live with the attending down-side. She seems to be more conscious of my failings than her own -- indeed, my failings are somewhat convenient in that they make her own failings and failures seem less bad to her own self-image.
I am curious to hear other people's experience. I wonder if "comorbid" dysfunction is common and whether it has certain characteristics.