I am 55 years old and have been recently diagnosed with ADHD (and been doing a fair amount of reading as well). I have also been married for 24 years. Reading the forums has been very interesting because I can see a lot of the rocky times that my wife and I have had in the posts and replies. However, there is one thing that I didn't see mentioned. I was born and raised in the United States. My wife is ethnic Chinese and grew up in Southeast Asia. (She came to the U.S. in her early twenties.) She is very well-educated and smart and her English is fluent (and I can speak her native tongue less well) so there is no "fundamental" language problem. However, I had some problems with depresion about fifteen years ago and I discovered than that there seemed to be some cultural barriers in talking about "mental illness." It was a subject that she was very uncomfortable with and tended to talk about in a very negative way (at least the way that I heard it). I would use the "eyeglasses" analogy with her about the medication that I took for my depression and that didn't do much for her.
I haven't talked to her about the ADHD diagnosis yet. My primary care physician - who has seen me for about 25 years - was the person who recommended I get evaluated. She knows about my depression and about the "cultural" communication problems with my wife. And, though I felt a little squemish, I felt comfortable going to get evaluated without telling my wife. But I am now a little worried/confused about whether I should even bring the subject up or just work on things on my own. It can get discouraging to try to communicate with her because her "negative" filters seem to be pretty strong.
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- ADHD and cross-cultural communication by: wnkirp 16 years 5 months ago
- disconnect in marriage by: Michelle 16 years 5 months ago My husband was diagnosed with ADHD this past year and is currently talking medication which has certainly helped and was a courageous first step. He read some of Driven to Distraction and it brought him to tears. The diagnosis explained so much of his frustration from childhood and now. We have been living apart for about a year and a half and are both in individual therapy. I have encouraged him to see someone that can specifically help him with his ADHD but I think he is tired of going to therapy. (as am I, so I can certainly understand) We love each other, however recently my husband stated that sometimes love is not enough and he does not think he can be in a marriage. That he can not be what I want him to be. (a husband, father, partner in life) I am heart broken. There is a disconnect between us we can not get past. You do not often find love like we have, but he seems unwilling to move forward. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I am waiting. He feels like he is wasting my time. I do not want to give up on being with the man I know I was supposed to share my life with. -M
- I feel single within a marriage by: Electra125 16 years 5 months ago I have been married for 9 months to a wonderful, handsome, energetic man who was diagnosed with ADD about 4 years ago. I assumed I was totally prepared emotionally, psychologically, and financially for what waited us. I am 41 years old. He is 43. It's my first marriage and his second. We have no children, but do have a loving 8 month old yellow labrador retriever whom we both adore. My concern is that my husband is never home! He works 12-14 hour days and travels at least 3-4 times a month, sometimes for up to a week at a time. He does not financially support me. I have been in my field (Counseling) for 20 years, and am financially sound. He, on the other hand, has been employed by his particular employer for 3 years, and cannot say no to any assignment. He reminds me of me at 25 years of age. I, on the other hand, am desperate to start the second phase of the life I dreamed about: One with a husband and a puppy and a home. I was single and lonely for so very long...Because of hard work, luck &good financial planning early, I am in a position to make all of those dreams come true. I just don't feel that I have a partner in this and am extremely worried that we won't make it. My husband wants a wife, a home, a dog, (maybe even kids!), but is hardly present. Again, he does not support me. I, in fact, am buying us a home. To be fair, he will be contibuting to the mortage payments, but I am the one with the majority of financial assests.Currently, he does not pay my mortgage. The idea was that he get himself together financially, which he has indeed done. Can anyone relate to this? We are not kids. I am pretty worried, and honestly unhappy in my marriage, although I love him dearly.
- Communicating with Motivation by: apollo 16 years 6 months ago Here is a question of mine that I'd like to toss out there for some feedback. The question is how do you get your ADD spouse to do something you really need done without making them feel inferior, less, defensive and/or unmotivated? We all know that a person with ADD is more likely to accomplish tasks/goals if they feel motivated to do so. I've also learned from this site as well as other research that very often if a person with ADD feels nagged he/she will "shut down" and a domino effect occurs resulting in no follow through and anger and resentment on both sides. My sister-in-law shared with me that she communicates with her ADD husband in a way that makes him want to do what she needs him to do. How does she do this? How do all of you do this? Can you give examples? (Please understand that I am not referring to manipulation as this is cruel and selfish. My question is a tricky topic to try to explain while keeping brief on a blog. Rather, I am trying to get at the core of how you communicate with a person with ADD so that they feel motivated to do what you need done - "need" being reasonable and fair requests.)
- Behavior ends relationship by: scott 16 years 6 months ago Hi this is my first post here. I was diagnosed with ADHD about 3 years ago and was on Adderoll XR since then but have struggled to take it regularly and haven't taken it at all since last fall. Im gay and have been in a committed relationship the last 9 years. I work for myself as a contractor which I believe is very detrimental to me with ADHD. I struggle to finish projects and always have clients angry with me even though they love my creativity and are usually very happy with the project itself just unhappy with my inability to schedule and finish the most minor of details. I haven't been seeing my therapist and have admittedly let my treatment slip into the toilet. I had used my partners credit cards without his knowledge and amassed about 10,000 in bills on 2 cards, 99% of the expenses were related to my work and I thought I could pay them off without his knowing what I had done, a terrible mistake and fatal to our relationship. I do not have this behavior issue in other areas , I do not steal from anyone, although my partner says I have stolen from him by doing this, my brain doesn't process it like that but I bet everyone else sees it like he does. I am very sorry for what I've done and especially that it has ruined our relationship, he is such a great person and has had to deal with me and my adhd problems throughout our relationship. Most of my issues with ADHD manifest themselves in my financial life. I struggle to pay bills, I lost my health insurance last fall about the time i stopped my medication and quit going to my doctor. I know i need to get back to the doctor and get back on meds, they did help me a lot when i took them as directed. I don't know what I hoped to accomplish by posting here, I wondered if anyone else had such bad behavior, I feel so terrible about what I've done. Amazingly most all of our friends have contacted me to to tell me they love me and that they will help anyway they can. Well I guess I need to get packing, I have to move out of our house this week while he is on vacation, how could I have done this to someone who cared so much for me? I don't blame him for having to end this, why should he sacrifice his happiness while I can't get myself together to be an equal partner in the relationship. He says that breaking the trust we had is what did the damage and I can see that. Has anyone else here had similar problems, did my ADHD cause me to do something so dishonest and hurtful?
- Modafinil and Buproprion by: griwei 16 years 6 months ago Using both Modafinil and Buproprion? Diagnosed a little more than a year ago, at 39. Concerta and Adderall both posed dysthymic side effects, even when the latter was paired with Wellbutrin. The Wellbutrin definitely helped impulsiveness too. In Canada, we're still awaiting the newer stimulant formulations. We do have access to Provigil (Alertec), however. I have the psychiatrist's blessing to start a trial while we wait for other stimulant choices, but what I want to know is whether I can keep the Wellbutrin (maybe lowered to 150mg/d from 300mg/d). Anybody familiar with taking both of these drugs for combination ADHD without any comorbid conditions or disorders? I understand that they may interact in a manner so as to increase each others potency, but if I'm starting on the lower 100mcg/d dose of Modafinil and the lower dose of Buproprion, I don't see that as much of a problem. I should mention that my curiosity is led by the fact that the psychiatrist doesn't write the prescriptions. He just sends a letter to my GP and we discuss where to go from there. The green light came last week and the drugs start next week, after a baseline liver number has been established (and I've dropped the Wellbutrin, either to 150/d or zero). Thanks in advance.
- Need Help in Colorado Fast! by: mdombrow 16 years 6 months ago My wife has ADHD and it has never been treated properly (she really just found out she had it). We need an ADHD specialist. We are tired of using doctors that "sort of know about it" and just throw medicine at you. Can anyone recommend a specailist in the Denver Metro area? Thanks A Insanely Frustrated Husband about to Loose it :-)
- Confused about ADD information by: Janine 16 years 6 months ago I rather recently realised that my husband has ADD. I immediately started reading up on the condition. I also told my husband about my concerns and after so reflection we are now both convinced he has ADD. The sheer acknowledging of it has helped tremendously and I can feel that we are every day making progress in the right direction. I say we because I have realised that it means I have to change my approach as well. In our quest for more information I am confused over the different types of information there is. In some places only three ADHD types are mentioned and in some six types. They all have different symptoms and features that are more or less predominant. As recently as today I read about ADD in combination with OCD. I already suspected that my husbands compulsive behaviour would be related to ADD but I thought it was rather a coping mechanism than an expression of the ADD. Now however I cannot find consistent literature about how these two correlates. In fact research seem very inconclusive about ADHD or ADD, which is causing a lot of confusion for people, like us, trying to understand what it is we are dealing with. If anyone has any good advice or litterature recommendations beyond what has already been mentioned here, we would be happy to hear about them.
- Is leaving a spouse with ADHD like leaving a spouse with some other disability? by: JamieI 16 years 6 months ago I've been married to a wonderful man for 4 years, together for 6. Like many non-ADHD spouses, I was attracted to the spontaneous, child-like, fun qualities of my now-husband and felt that "opposites really attract". However, since being married, the effects of his acknowledged (but untreated) ADHD had corroded our marriage and turned me into a bitter, angry, sad, and anxious wife who is ready to leave. My husband teaches students with behavior disorders, so he knows all the signs and coping mechanisms to deal with his own ADHD, but as of yet, refuses counseling, medication, or strategies to make our life better. I'm a total type-A person who has taken on the majority of responsibility in our lives, and have become someone I barely recognize... I never laugh, never smile, and generally think depression is a factor in my life. I now want to have a child, but can't fathom the idea of having a child when I feel as though I'm already raising one, and do not want to bring a child into a home that is so disfunctional and broken. He is a good man, with good intentions and a good soul; but his habits, lack of motivation, and inability to follow-through has driven me to the breaking point. I feel incredibly guilty for thinking of divorce, because if ADHD is really a disability (as my husband claims), than I am a rotten person for not staying to support him? I feel as if life is too short to be this unhappy, and I sincerely doubt my ability to support him long-term with these challenges. I've tried many suggested ideas, such as lists, schedules, reminders, etc, but nothing seems to work and I just don't want to try much more. He says I've checked out of the marriage, and I think he's right. He says if I just love him enough (more) things will get better. I think it will take more than love; from reading other posts, it seems like it takes a lifetime of patience, extra effort, and more patience, which frankly, I've never been in high supply of. Any thoughts on my predicament?
- Poor Memory Causing Marital Strife by: apollo 16 years 6 months ago My husband has ADD, diagnosed since childhood, and we have been married almost 7 years. I am perpetually frustrated with his memory and am trying to understand if and how and to what extent ADD effects memory. I am at such a loss for words when it comes to explaining the problems we have with his memory that all I can do is provide some examples. We have been living with my parents for almost 2 years now. We both were working, but 6 months after the birth of our first child we decided it was best to quit our jobs, sell our home and accept my father's invitation to live with him until my husband found a new job. We did this so that I could be a stay-at-home mom. When we conceived, we were able to afford me staying home. Half way through the pregnancy, our financial situation changed such that we had to file for a bankruptcy. I continued working and we had found good daycare. I was never happy with the role of a working mother and when our daycare gave us notice, we were unable to find a comparable replacement. I remember having several heart-to-heart conversations with my husband before, during and after the pregnancy sharing with him my dream of being a stay-at-home mom. When we discussed selling our home and moving in with my parents, I remember explicitly sharing with him that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom for however long, possibly until our kids entered high school, provided our finances could support that plan. I shared that I may return to work at some point sooner if our finances deemed it necessary and/or if I found I needed an outlet of my own. He was supportive of that not once expressing any concerns or disagreement with the idea. After we placed our home up for sale, there were days when I felt discouraged and he would remind me that we were doing this so that I could be a stay-at-home mom and how much better this would be for our children and that we were selling our house at the right time, etc. About one year after our move to my father's, my husband shared with me that he expected me to return to work full-time when our firstborn enters 1st grade. When I brought up our past discussions, he told me that he would not have agreed to this move if he knew I had not been planning to return to work. I am flabbergastedly so confused as to how this miscommunication occurred. I have self-examined myself to exhaustion and replayed conversations over and over in my head and I know with all my heart I was very clear about what I envisioned and when I would return to work. A more recent example, I have been looking for a rental home for us to move into for about 5 weeks now. I have expended a great deal of energy into this task researching movers, realtors, property management firms and exhausting online and paper resources. My husband and I had a conversation and several that once we knew his contract position would be renewed for another year that we would begin looking for a home to rent. (We have been saving money ever since he found a job - which took him 8 months). We learned earlier than expected that his contract was being renewed. I asked him, "Since we know prematurely that your job is being renewed, should we start looking for a house now or should we wait until the actual renewal date of your contract passes?" He replied with "No, we can move tomorrow if we wanted to. Go ahead and start looking." This past weekend as I was sharing with my husband my frustration with an agent regarding a particular property I was following up on, he said in passing, "I thought we were waiting until I had a permanent job before we looked for a rental home." Imagine my bewilderment! Please tell me, is it normal for people with ADD to forget things like this? Can their memories be distorted or mixed with intentions of saying/doing things that in reality never occurred? Is there a memory disorder that can occur comorbidly with ADD that would explain things like this? I am so exasperated and concerned at the same time. My husband has shared with me the other night that he is also alarmed by his lack of memory - he feels it is getting worse especially so over these passed 2-3 months. He has been medicated his entire life and in his adult years has found great success with Concerta and methylphenidate. He doesn't take them together. Which pill he takes is determined by what his immediate needs are or based on the type of situation he is preparing for. If he needs a fast-acting boost that won't keep him up at night (if he forgot to take his concerta in the morning) then he'll take the methylphenidate. Otherwise, I believe the Concerta is his primary medication. Anyhow, any insight would be greatly appreciated.