I so very glad that I came across this blog. It speaks much to what I have endured for what in 2 weeks will be 12 years of a dysfunctional marriage. Married to “The Nice Guy.” My husband hads all the symptoms, in the beginning we just called it blabber mouth, forgetful, little to no intimacy and daydreaming. Until over the course of our marriage as I grew, he stayed behind…increasingly more forgetful, reclusive and out of touch. This past June (wow, a year soon) I was at my wits end. A few years back I had an affair years prior to escape, send a wake up call… one that he never heard. I could not put my family through that mess again. With two children I begged him to seek help… and he did. But, I had to be 2 steps out the door, when he broke down and sought help. One session put a nail on what I couldn’t identify in 11 years. About a month later the husband started taking Statera and weeks after his world… OUR world started to turn around. The diagnosis was a ray of light and the medication was a miracle. I was the happiest I had ever been in our marriage. I could see a bright future for our two kids. But, having already put 2 steps out; I was too afraid to step back into the dysfunction. I found myself monitoring his medication, afraid he wouldn’t take it. Afraid he wouldn’t read the books, engage in counseling. It was like I was living with a recovering drug addict, waiting … wondering WHAT IT he relapsed. I enabled his behaviors, I victimized myself by doing so. The wounds over eleven years had worn on my emotional and physical health. My daughter who is 10 began picking up the slack of trying to control and understand Daddy. Our 5 year old ADHD son began the negative self talk. If my kids were sounding like me… coaching Daddy, they were acting like Daddy. I yearned deeply for every facet of what I believed a marriage would be, should be, could be… I just couldn’t wait for my husband to be that man and father. Anxiety, depression…read, counseling… been there done that; but not my husband. While on his medication my children and I moved out 7 months ago. It was an amicable separation, we were beautiful friends. I loved him deeply in those initial months and I regained my own health and sense of security. He and I were friends, he went back to school, picked up a new job and we communicated regularly and respectfully. We agreed that he would “focus” on himself and I would seek my own needs. I thought he understood… he said he did. ANOTHER ADD attribute.. the “shake he head and agree” syndrome, when they don’t really understand or comprehend what is going on. THEN I told him I wanted to date someone else, his medication ran out (no health insurance) and all hell broke lose. 3 months later, he is cured of his ADD, he has filed for divorce, wants full custody, sole use of our marital home and is a devout Christian. Now I am 5k down in legal fees, our business is nearly ruined, I am fighting for custody and my husband won’t communicate with me at all. He is now classically the worse side of ADD and he is hurting us all, under the pretense of “being in control.” I have no family resources to talk ration into him. Because he to them is still a “nice guy, good Christian and father… and just being like he always has been.” He has sold me out as being “Godless and immoral.” What was our home is a mess, our joint finances are a mess and the kids are a mess. Everyday I am putting out legal fires and allegations. Just like before, I was the one who held it all together… now I am not there, it is all burning down. There is no logic or ration to anything that he does. He has COMPLETELY shut down. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I DON’T WANT A DIVORCE! What I want is my husband to focus on himself, get himself together, take the medication and look at our relationship from a distance…another perspective. If it worked out…it would, I just could not take the risk that it would be the SAME SAME for another 11 years. I had migraines, high blood pressure and became depressed. I was lonely, tired and constantly feeling defeated. TRYING, CRYING and pleading with my husband to do his share, get some help and comfort me… SOMETIMES. We have a court order for our kids, but he violates it. I see clearly what he does…he forgets, pushes aside and sticks his head in the sand and WE ALL suffer the consequences. I don’t want to present him legally as a bad Father, but the reality of it. . . he is. He is more of a buddy to them. I wish desperately on late night like this, I had some emotion to fall back on. All I fall back on is how much time we have spent together and all the warning signs from the day I met him. I didn’t know. Now, look where I am. I feel like a fool. I’ve grown, become educated and matured and he is still where I found him. This will be his 2nd divorce and still “doing cartwheels in his head.” But never taking the steps in reality to move forward. I “get it” in regards to not controlling him; clearly I can’t. I know in my heart, I was best advocate and ally, now he is a babbling radical, squanders our money to pay a lawyer to tell him protect him…while he destroys himself and our family. Even now 700 miles apart, he still is dragging my heart and life down. I don't regret leaving. He drug me down day after day when I was there. How do I get him to stop! I’ve tried mediation…he walked out. I’ve tried his family…they believe he is a “great guy, done wrong.” We’ve gone to court…we mediated for foolishness, that a normal couple could have talked out. I’ve tried giving him books, facts and mapping out the consequences. Still he INSISTS “I am not listening to you lisa!” Meanwhile, he can’t hear everything is crumbling around him and us all, daily. All I need him to do is THINK RATIONALLY! LONG TERM AND REMAIN FOCUSED! ALL I NEED FOR HIM TO DO IS NOT HAVE ADD! REALLY! I love my husband dearly, but not as a wife should. I enjoyed him as my friend and I miss that dearly. I miss the fun parent that he was. But, nothing more. I want a life a functional and balanced life...with or without him. How can I get him to stop, without tearing him or me down completely. I am now in the process of filing an emergency petition to get full and primary custody of our children; because of his MULTIPLE voiloations of the order. I didn’t want to go this far, I never would have… he just doesn’t understand he is leaving me with no choice and himself fully exposed for me to do so. I can not help him hurt me or the children! I am so bitter, so depleated and so hurt. So, very hurt and I know it is not his fault, and it isn't those who protect his lies...they don't understand... my life is on a blog! My husband, my marriage and my children are no different than the hundreds of posts on this blog... all here OUT in the open. What can I do? its' all up 2 me. Lisa

Keeping Marriage Happy Marriages are taken for granted. After the honeymoon period is over, couples co-exist. Most of the time without any charm in their married life. Everything becomes a routine- eating, sleeping, everything becomes highly predictable and dull. If kids arrive in the life of a married couple, which they invariably do, the attention shifts more to upbringing of the children. What happened to the early romance? Why does a marriage kill a perfect romance? Why do people break-up and divorce each other so soon after the marriage? What happens in the period of their married life that brings it to either a dull existence or an end? The very first change that can be noticed is care. Yes, before marriage, a partner is more worried about how to take care of the other partner. After marriage, it is the other way round. Why are you not paying any attention to my needs? Why do you not care for me? Why are you acting so selfishly? Why is your work more important than me? Why can you not wash the dishes alone? Yes, I agree that you need a holiday badly, but where is the money? Accusations of different types fly around and make a hell of what was heavenly togetherness earlier. Keeping one's married life happy is very essential. Complaining about the partner will not help, but understanding each other's needs and trying to fulfill them will. Partners need to go back in life and look for that spark that kindled the love in the first place. What did you admire in your partner before marriage? Do you still admire that or not? What did you like before, that you hate now? Reflect. Go back and think. Bring that charm back. Complimenting each other for the smallest act, expressing happiness of living together, letting the partner know how much you value her/him and so many small things that make the other partner happy must be done daily. Why ignore your husband or wife and feel envious about other couples. Why not create a happy life that others envy? Why not make the other partner feel needed and good at all the times. Why not forgive even a big blunder? Why not put yourself in your partner's shoes and think about the life he/she is living. Why not bring the romance back by going for candle-light dinners, or watching the sunset together? Let the sun set, but keep your marriage happy. Have you ever thought of sending ecards or e-greetings to each other everyday? They cost nothing most of the times, but for a minute. But imagine the joy of the recipient. Why not make your partner happy with such ecards daily? Give it a thought. A happy marriage is the foundation of a happy family. only with happy marriage, can we hope for happy children and a happy world.

My husband and I have been marred for almost two years. He once mentioned when we were dating that he thought he probably had ADHD, and from what I have read and experienced while we've been married, I can understand why he thinks this! There are lots of challenges we face in money management, frustration levels, household chores, but these all seem to be improving to "good enough" when we work through them. One area, though, is not improving. Almost immediately after we married, I began to feel lonely because he seemed so far away whenever we would talk or catch up on our day. It's much easier to ask him questions and listen to him than to try to get him to show real interest in me or my thoughts. Sometimes I wonder how many weeks we can go without him noticing that he knows nothing about me or my life! However, he is very sensitive, and if he notices that I am sad or blue, he immediately pays lots of attention to me. His ability to engage in a conversation where I'm sharing goes from nil to 110% -- better even than my female friends! I feel like I'm getting more high maintenance as the months pass because when I'm sad or seem perturbed, my husband is able to listen better and focus. If I'm just interested in carrying on a normal conversation -- he seems utterly bored and distracted. Please help me! I am a naturally sunny person and do not like to see the way I am changing. I also feel like I take advantage of my husband when I cultivate the negative in order to feel connected to him and important to him. P.S. -- when we've talked about this, we both see the same pattern, but don't know what to do. Trying harder doesn't seem to work . . .

Shouldn't we wait? I was working hard on what's in Delivered from Distraction and got hit with I want to be Delivered by Divorce from my wife. There are two small boys involved. The 5 year old is going to be tested for ADD this summer before kindergarten. The 9 year old has been formally diagnosed with ADD, and with over focused type. Jimmy, the oldest, is in the fourth grade. He has, like his father, some very real issues with over-focused type ADD. He is currently taking all the advanced courses they can throw at him, and reads on a high school level. He is brilliant but also super sensitive, and has a very, very fragile sense of self esteem. My wife requested judicial intervention in the proceedings and now a court appointed child's advocate is involved. His job involves interviewing the kids and responding to the judge. I heard the appointed gentlemen is a professional and is good at this job. I learned he is very fair and I am not really concerned with his speaking with either child. The kids have not yet been told that their parents are in divorce proceedings. It has all been happening very quickly. Here's what I am concerned about. Jimmy has two months left of the fourth grade. His over-focused ADD already has him latch on to issues and not be able to drop them. He has done great on just fish oil, but I do not have a Dr. lined up if he needs to move to medication. Of the three psychiatrists I have spoken with, none have any familiarity with over focused type. I take fish oil and adderall and although the difference for me has been profound, I have been reluctant to medicate Jimmy. He is right on the threshold with the fish oil and since it has been working, he wasn't told about ADD. I was about to when I got hit with "papers". We went to the Bronx Zoo this last weekend as a family and this marriage is worth saving. I am hopeful to that end, but I can only work on my 1/2 of the issues. I have to be primarily concerned with the welfare of the boys right now. My wife has had little or no real involvement with the kids and the ADD issue. I've been, and will be, pretty much on my own. Would this boys interest be best served if we waited for two months before dropping this bomb on him? I would then have the summer to help him with the issues, and to get things set up for medication if needed. I'm scheduling appointments as fast as I can but this stuff takes time and some real consideration. I just know (instinctively perhaps?) that with this news his school year just stops, and his experience in the fourth grade is done. He will not be able to do anything but spin on "what's wrong with my mom and dad" and make suppositions on how he can fix it. In a lot of ways he doesn't get to be a kid anymore and that's tragic. I read you had informed your own kids about divorce so I apologize if this is a hard issue. I would appreciate your opinion and any advise you can offer, on whether it would be best to wait until the school year is over. Thank you for this site. jimmysdad