I rather recently realised that my husband has ADD. I immediately started reading up on the condition. I also told my husband about my concerns and after so reflection we are now both convinced he has ADD. The sheer acknowledging of it has helped tremendously and I can feel that we are every day making progress in the right direction. I say we because I have realised that it means I have to change my approach as well.
In our quest for more information I am confused over the different types of information there is. In some places only three ADHD types are mentioned and in some six types. They all have different symptoms and features that are more or less predominant. As recently as today I read about ADD in combination with OCD. I already suspected that my husbands compulsive behaviour would be related to ADD but I thought it was rather a coping mechanism than an expression of the ADD. Now however I cannot find consistent literature about how these two correlates. In fact research seem very inconclusive about ADHD or ADD, which is causing a lot of confusion for people, like us, trying to understand what it is we are dealing with.
If anyone has any good advice or litterature recommendations beyond what has already been mentioned here, we would be happy to hear about them.
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- Confused about ADD information by: Janine 16 years 9 months ago
- Is leaving a spouse with ADHD like leaving a spouse with some other disability? by: JamieI 16 years 10 months ago I've been married to a wonderful man for 4 years, together for 6. Like many non-ADHD spouses, I was attracted to the spontaneous, child-like, fun qualities of my now-husband and felt that "opposites really attract". However, since being married, the effects of his acknowledged (but untreated) ADHD had corroded our marriage and turned me into a bitter, angry, sad, and anxious wife who is ready to leave. My husband teaches students with behavior disorders, so he knows all the signs and coping mechanisms to deal with his own ADHD, but as of yet, refuses counseling, medication, or strategies to make our life better. I'm a total type-A person who has taken on the majority of responsibility in our lives, and have become someone I barely recognize... I never laugh, never smile, and generally think depression is a factor in my life. I now want to have a child, but can't fathom the idea of having a child when I feel as though I'm already raising one, and do not want to bring a child into a home that is so disfunctional and broken. He is a good man, with good intentions and a good soul; but his habits, lack of motivation, and inability to follow-through has driven me to the breaking point. I feel incredibly guilty for thinking of divorce, because if ADHD is really a disability (as my husband claims), than I am a rotten person for not staying to support him? I feel as if life is too short to be this unhappy, and I sincerely doubt my ability to support him long-term with these challenges. I've tried many suggested ideas, such as lists, schedules, reminders, etc, but nothing seems to work and I just don't want to try much more. He says I've checked out of the marriage, and I think he's right. He says if I just love him enough (more) things will get better. I think it will take more than love; from reading other posts, it seems like it takes a lifetime of patience, extra effort, and more patience, which frankly, I've never been in high supply of. Any thoughts on my predicament?
- Poor Memory Causing Marital Strife by: apollo 16 years 10 months ago My husband has ADD, diagnosed since childhood, and we have been married almost 7 years. I am perpetually frustrated with his memory and am trying to understand if and how and to what extent ADD effects memory. I am at such a loss for words when it comes to explaining the problems we have with his memory that all I can do is provide some examples. We have been living with my parents for almost 2 years now. We both were working, but 6 months after the birth of our first child we decided it was best to quit our jobs, sell our home and accept my father's invitation to live with him until my husband found a new job. We did this so that I could be a stay-at-home mom. When we conceived, we were able to afford me staying home. Half way through the pregnancy, our financial situation changed such that we had to file for a bankruptcy. I continued working and we had found good daycare. I was never happy with the role of a working mother and when our daycare gave us notice, we were unable to find a comparable replacement. I remember having several heart-to-heart conversations with my husband before, during and after the pregnancy sharing with him my dream of being a stay-at-home mom. When we discussed selling our home and moving in with my parents, I remember explicitly sharing with him that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom for however long, possibly until our kids entered high school, provided our finances could support that plan. I shared that I may return to work at some point sooner if our finances deemed it necessary and/or if I found I needed an outlet of my own. He was supportive of that not once expressing any concerns or disagreement with the idea. After we placed our home up for sale, there were days when I felt discouraged and he would remind me that we were doing this so that I could be a stay-at-home mom and how much better this would be for our children and that we were selling our house at the right time, etc. About one year after our move to my father's, my husband shared with me that he expected me to return to work full-time when our firstborn enters 1st grade. When I brought up our past discussions, he told me that he would not have agreed to this move if he knew I had not been planning to return to work. I am flabbergastedly so confused as to how this miscommunication occurred. I have self-examined myself to exhaustion and replayed conversations over and over in my head and I know with all my heart I was very clear about what I envisioned and when I would return to work. A more recent example, I have been looking for a rental home for us to move into for about 5 weeks now. I have expended a great deal of energy into this task researching movers, realtors, property management firms and exhausting online and paper resources. My husband and I had a conversation and several that once we knew his contract position would be renewed for another year that we would begin looking for a home to rent. (We have been saving money ever since he found a job - which took him 8 months). We learned earlier than expected that his contract was being renewed. I asked him, "Since we know prematurely that your job is being renewed, should we start looking for a house now or should we wait until the actual renewal date of your contract passes?" He replied with "No, we can move tomorrow if we wanted to. Go ahead and start looking." This past weekend as I was sharing with my husband my frustration with an agent regarding a particular property I was following up on, he said in passing, "I thought we were waiting until I had a permanent job before we looked for a rental home." Imagine my bewilderment! Please tell me, is it normal for people with ADD to forget things like this? Can their memories be distorted or mixed with intentions of saying/doing things that in reality never occurred? Is there a memory disorder that can occur comorbidly with ADD that would explain things like this? I am so exasperated and concerned at the same time. My husband has shared with me the other night that he is also alarmed by his lack of memory - he feels it is getting worse especially so over these passed 2-3 months. He has been medicated his entire life and in his adult years has found great success with Concerta and methylphenidate. He doesn't take them together. Which pill he takes is determined by what his immediate needs are or based on the type of situation he is preparing for. If he needs a fast-acting boost that won't keep him up at night (if he forgot to take his concerta in the morning) then he'll take the methylphenidate. Otherwise, I believe the Concerta is his primary medication. Anyhow, any insight would be greatly appreciated.
- Adult ADD medications by: funnybug 16 years 10 months ago I am a healthy 37 year old male and recently diagnosed with ADD. We have tried Ritalin, Focalin XR and Adderall XR and none seem to me doing anything for me. Any thoughts? I am more aware of my ADD simply because I have learned a lot more about it and came to the realization of having to accept having it, but I am not sure the meds any doing anything for me. Maybe they are, and that's why I am here in the first place..... but i am not sure.... Help>>>>
- Doing the right thing by: jfd 16 years 10 months ago This kind of goes along with my other post that i put up. How do i get my wife to understand that I really would llike to be with her and enjoy the times that we used to have together before she got tired of me being around her, hovering as she called it. It seems as though everytime i feel that it is going good, i make a "bonehead" move, meaning i can't just be happy with the fact that things are going good and trying to want more. Getting an inch and taking a mile is the term she has used. I am trying to build on everything. I guess that my biggest problem is that i am trying to move too quickly and not give her time to....... not really sure how what word goes there. If I have been hyperfocusing on her, as it seems as that is what one of the, if not biggest issue and now it is to the point where it is not good, would it be wrong to sit down and write a letter or put it in words to give to her about how i feel. I know that she knows but I have the need to tell her. Or would this be a classic sign ( which i think is correct) of not being able to leave it alone and trying to push it. Meaning that i am just going back and repeating myself and going in a vicious cycle. I had this all planned out before but can't how i was going to write it, i think this is pretty good though for now.....Any thoughts???
- Loss of a soul mate by: Chris w 16 years 10 months ago I have had ADHD for as long as I remember. I am 20 now almost 21, and I could never find the right woman. One day I found her, she was married and very unhappy. I helped her and in doing so fell in love with her. womans advice even called this man whom she was with a maniac. For nine months we have been in love, I wanted to grow old with her, she knew of my adhd and helped me with so much as I helped her too. Two days ago she told me she couldn't stop loving her old partner, that she wants to try again with him, even though her got another woman pregnant 1 week after she left, she said I have done no wrong, its her and she must do this. but I cant help the feeling she is just throwing our relationship away to try again. I am in peices, this was my love, soul mate and best friend. she said she may love me more but she has to go back to him to find out, because she has known him longer and he was her first love. but she don't want me to move on incase its just emotions and she goes down there and realizes she cant live with him, and wants to come back to me. That because she never properly broke up with him, she cant tell if it would have worked out and must find out. and in my adhd mind all I see is him hurting her or them getting intermit, and anger at how she could do this to me. as i type this I am shaking like a leaf. and want to give up on life. she was perfect, she knew how to deal with my adhd and loved me and I loved her like it would never end, and all the time she has been thinking of him, whom I protected her against, unsure how she feels. after getting the last of her things, and watching a movie called rent, some words in it tipped the scale and made her want to try. I could understand I i had done some wrong, but I never did, I cant bare the thought of being without her. I don't know if I should let her do this, go to him, so if it don't work out then she will return to me and be devoted. But if it did work out I would lose the only thing worth living for to me. anyone know what I should do as the adhd part of my brain is going insane
- Audio Brainwave Entrainment for ADHD by: bhodi 16 years 10 months ago When you hear the term “brainwave entrainment” you may have several thoughts. First, what is a brainwave exactly? You’ve probably heard the term a million times, but do you really know what it is? Secondly, how do you train brainwaves? And finally, how can this help ADHD? These types of questions are very typical and completely normal. So you don’t have to worry, you’re not alone in wanting answers to these questions. To answer your first question, brainwaves can be defined as the electrical operation of the brain. When the brain operates, the nerve cells of the brain send electrical impulses, which causes quick voltage fluctuations in the brain. This occurs in various parts of the brain and there even varying frequencies that these occur in. The varying frequencies correspond with the certain mental states that occur in the brain as well. Now, to answer your second question, audio brainwave entrainment is when you play audio that uses pulses of sound near the frequency that the brain is operating at. You can even use audio brainwave entrainment to persuade the brain to change its frequency. What happens in audio brainwave entrainment is that the brain begins to “follow” the frequency of the pulses of sound. Audio brainwave entrainment uses technology that inserts subtle beats, modulations and pulses into music. When you listen to the music, slight vibrations occur in the ear drum that is then echoed by the brain. The brain then begins to help you change your mental state. If you are a person who suffers from ADHD you probably have issues focusing. Individuals with ADD/ADHD have specific brainwave patterns. Through audio brainwave entrainment the person is able to actually speed up their brainwaves so that they can begin to concentrate. The audio causes the left brain to remain dominant so that the person can increase their ability to concentrate, reduce emotional response and also to reduce hyperactivity. These audio brainwave entrainment increases the beta brainwaves and acts as a “mental workout” of sorts. You are able to increase the electrical activity in the brain, increase the blood flow to the brain, and promote new nerve cell growth in the brain. Individuals can cause major shifts in the brainwave patterns after one short session. However, to change your emotions and behaviors over time you will want to use a series of sessions on a regular basis over several months. Eventually, your brain will be trained to produce these same patterns on its own, thus allowing you to have greater control over your ability to concentrate and reduce hyperactivity. More information about brainwave entrainment
- My ADHD ( maybe a bit long or confusing) by: jfd 16 years 10 months ago So this is my second post. I have briefly stated my adhd in my previous post(new and just learning). This forum seems to be where all the topics are but i am still reading all the stuff on this site. I am going to elaborate on my ADHD issues that have been discovered. I did state some of them a bit before but i thought of some more after that and as per typical ADHD fashion, they come and go at random, although now it is a bit more controlled thanks to my med. I have been married for almost 8 yrs and there was ( or so i thought) not a problem at all. Apparently my undiagnosed adhd was just compounding or chipping away at my wife. I believe my hyper focusing was on her. I have always been needing reassurance or recognition if you will for things that I have done. This i believe, i talking to my adhd therapist and my wife stems from my childhood and my upbringing. Not that it was a bad thing but my parents were always doing things for me and making decisions for me. I had a very good childhood and no trauma associated with it. Now however it seems that over the years it has become a problem. I am usually asking my wife for direction on things when i should just make a decision even if it the wrong one. This issue i think is not too bad. The one thing that I have beaten to a a pulp is the fact that i "hover" over my wife. This is were i think that she is my point of hyper focus. I have learned that i have placed all my happiness on my wife... i.e if i am having a bad day and then see/talk to her, it is all erased. She is my biggest source of happiness. This is a big burden to place on someone, as i am understanding. I love her to death but apparently i have taken it too far. I guess you can have too much of one thing. It is situation overload apparently. All this coupled with the fact that i have never finished a project that i started although i have 3 pieces of trim to paint in the bathroom and it will be done, a COMPLETE remodel, so that is good. I just recently right prior to my diagnosis picked up Driven to distraction and I realized that it fits me, like it is describing my life, if that makes sense. Everyone says that i am a nice guy, so sweet blah blah blah ( all good stuff) to her. Sometimes she is like yea you don't have to live with him or people will say how to you live with him. Apparently it is something that has been just pushed aside and now it is to a head, causing me to find out about the ADHD, which has always been a comment to me as a running joke. Well now it is diagnosed and it really isn't a joke when it affects you and your family. This is were it is frustrating because it is a change from what i have been used to and "normal/Ok" life but in reality it needed fixing. This relates in that the therapist states he hears the opposite from woman that they wish their husband, S.O. or whoever would pay attention to them. Apparently i had the opposite, maybe it relates to my ADHD and it may not have been so bad if it weren't for all the other things associated with it. There has definitely been improvements according to my wife but, my thing is want it fixed and i want it fixed now so I can continue with life and not stress about if it will work. I need definite time frame, 2 days, 1 week, 2 months and i am having to deal/under stand that it does not work like that, there is now answer, as she says with out it will not work between us, but if taking the meds and doing therapy and fixing the way my mind thinks everything should fall into place. That is the worst part having patience to do this, but i have them for this because i want it to work between the 2 of us and the 3 kids also, if i forgot to mention. She is my wife yet I can not enjoy this fully. It is almost like we are starting over so as to reset and start new so it is not a continuation of the "overload" from 8 yrs. I fit 30 yrs of marriage into 8yrs, if that makes sense. Also during the time when this was getting difficult approx 9 months ago, she had started working full time and i saw less of her, so that compounded it more the little time that I had i tried to make up for the time we didn't and this just compounded it even more. More symptoms of ADHD that I can't think of.... Fast forward to now i am trying to make up for "lost time" but it is the opposite of what to. Leave it be and let it work itself out to be right again. I believe that is it for now, I am sure I had other thoughts that came and went. I like this site and look forward the hear peoples feedback if they can relate to any of this. I am sure that I have confused or bored ( : ) ) some people, I apologize for that but that is it in a semi nutshell.... P.S. I am college educated and also work a a full time job and a part time job.. both of which also bring my great joy. I sincerely love my job and do not think of it as such. It also could be noted that the ADHD puts me and my job pretty well, it does not negatively affect it very much, it is a perfect fit.
- New to site and just learning by: jfd 16 years 10 months ago Hello all... I am new to this site, after having stumbled upon it. It is pretty neat. I have just been diagnosed with ADHD 3 months ago. I am in my 30's and never have been daignosed with it before. People are puzzled as to this fact. It has always been a running joke that i have it. Apparetnly I do. It got to the point that it has affected my marriage, have been married for 8 years and didn't think it was a problem. I guess it was all just accumukating and came to a point and it became untolerable. So now I am trying to work on it. I wish i had found out before so as to not get it to where it is now. I read driven to distraction and found it to be all very accurate, if only i had found it before. I was just wondering if there was anyone that may have some suggestions or can identify with my symptoms/problems or maybe make some suggestions. I am seeing a person to deal with my ADHD as well as take med. I guess i am just over focused on certain things and can't finsih a project on the other. I have been over focused on my wife to the point were now it is a burdern, i guess. We are still married and working it out to make it better, but not go back to how it was. I am looking for a balance, which is what i am trying to figure out. It seems to be helping, the med and the counciler. I am able to focus my energy better and complete more task and have been more effecient... I think... THis is my first time on a forum like this so i hope i didn't post too much and did not post in the wrong place.. Any suggestions would be helpful... Thank you.....
- Boyfriend with ADD by: bbl530 16 years 10 months ago Greetings, I have been dating a 45 year old, never married (was engaged) man that is a really great guy. We were together about 2 months. We have known each other for 8 or so months before dating. We live about an hour away from each other. I suspected he had ADD and was going to talk to him about it but our communitcations abruptly became almost completely stopped. He has some medication at my house and I found that he take Staterra which I understand is for ADD. We had been talking several times a day, together from Fri nite to Mon morn having one minor misunderstanding (I know it was because I was not clear in my communication) which we quickly resolved. He then got really busy with work (he is a landscaper- self employed) and when I asked if we were going to get together he said he had too much work and I distract him too much. He has had some financial trouble and is focusing on getting back on his feet. I know he has been busy with work, he says he will call but then does not. He has had some equipment trouble and large jobs with deadlines. Also included in the financial stress is IRS leins as a result of his ex fiance taking money and not doing her job. I know men have a hard time multitasking & they want to be the provider. I have also read that ADD can cause a lot of self esteem issues and so on. I have not talked to him for almost two weeks. Every 5 or so days he calls and leaves a long message on my voice mail explaining his current job and being busy, thanking me for my support and love and talk to you soon. No indication that there are troubles brewing. I am at a loss- I have not had the oppurtunity to talk to him and find out what is going on. I think he may assume I am going to "jump down his throat" which I am not- only want to know where we stand and why the sudden, abrupt change. He drinks a few beers everyday and I believe it is his respite along with the XBOX. My questions are: Is this behavior typical of a very busy, stressed man with ADD? How do I let him know that I know he has ADD and I want to help him, not change him and support him? What approach should I use to reach out and try to get our relationship back to where it was- assuming he is not wanting to break up which I really do not think is the case. if and when we get the relationship back how do I let him know that this has been very painful for me and not something I can or will be able to tolerate in the future. I know that men need to go to their caves but for weeks at a time? Thanks