Suffering fools a little more gladly.
Apologies for the length of this post, but I am a fan of detail.
I was diagnosed with ADHD last year. It's been a difficult year, with the stimulants causing dysthymic side effects; my new wife suffering a miscarriage and year-long postpartum depression and her stepfather's death. I'm also still dealing with the suicide of my first wife a few years ago and a very demanding career. And yes, we both see counselors and are very open and honest with each other and the marriage is very strong. I'm using Wellbutrin while awaiting some research from my neuropsychiatrist about next steps re: other medication options. I have a coach too.
The reason for my post is that I'd like to hear from other members about how they deal with their short tempers. Over the first 35 years of my life, I was slow to anger and quick to joy. Over the past five years, I've been quick on both fronts ... and I don't like it.
For example, tonight I blew up at a pharmacist. My wife and I had walked to the drug store, talking about the rough two days she's had. When we attended, the pharmacist informed us that my drugs were not covered on my wife's new plan. We knew this not to be the case, as we had just been dealing with our insurance agent on this point the week before. I told him it didn't matter as I would just pay for my drugs but my wife took the time to explain that she was sure that I should be covered. After the pharmacist ignored me and proceeded to instruct us both, in excruciating detail, about how we were obviously mistaken in respect of our coverage, I waited what seemed like three minutes (likely 30 seconds) before I interrupted him, explaining that with five degrees and a legal career, I was quite capable of discerning the extent of our insurance coverage. He was taken aback and challenged me; I challenged back. My wife asked me to stop, but it took me another two or three minutes before disengaging, with her in tears and the pharmacist huffing about how he had never been treated so rudely by another professional.
Afterwards, my wife completely agreed that the pharmacist was a condescending buffoon who deserved to be dressed down. Still, both she and I understood that it was our moral duty to avoid rising to anger about such a trivial annoyance. She also reminded me that whenever I start my communications with mention of my college experience and legal training, there is not going to be a happy ending.
I know why I lose my temper so easily; I am justifiably under incredible stress and battling both my wife's depression and my own dysthymia. We all have our limits and I've been finding mine in recent years. I am most vexed by displays of bureaucratic ineptitude and slowwittedness. In other words, I really, really don't suffer fools gladly anymore.
So, after that belaboured introduction I have a simple question: how can I control my temper better? Given the time of night, my Adderall XR would have worn out anyway. I knew as the words were coming out of my mouth that this was an ill-timed outburst in which I was about to engage - and yet, I just couldn't help it. His behaviour was just so incredibly annoying and before I knew it I was in an argument. Worse still, as a barrister I am very skilled at argument. Even worse, I rarely turn down the opportunity to demonstrate that I am right. While these may be useful skills for my profession, they don't make me a nice person, or the person I would prefer to be. I hope this does not sound too conceited, but it's akin to a professional prize fighter choosing to brawl in a bar with normal patrons. It is unwise, undisciplined and unprofessional.
So what tricks of the trade are available to help me hold my tongue more often than I do?
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- Outbursts by: griwei 16 years 10 months ago
- Going to Court or Going Insane...pick, which will come first? by: up2lisa 16 years 10 months ago
I am completely exasperated. My ADD husband and I go to court in a few days. He is in contempt of our custody agreement. His ADD is all over the missteps. Failed to communicate, missed objectives, lies, and hostility. You ADD it, he did it. I know I need counseling, I am so, so, so, hurt by all of this. I hurt because not one person who communicates with him, believes there is an issue. He has completely alienated me from friends and family I have shared 12 years of my life with. All who believe I was “too controlling” and fail now to see, the reality of our relationship and this mess that we are now in. The mortgage is unpaid by 3 months, my son is doing poorly in school, the car is going to get repossessed, no income, and we have no health insurance. BUT NO, there is “nothing to talk about…God is on his side.” So, they support and pay the legal fees…to lose. But, who loses…I do, I see money go out the window to my attorney, I see health insurance go unpaid, I see the telephone getting turned off and in the end… I see I win, YET ANOTHER court order, for him not to comply with. Greatly, because HE CAN’T. I want someone to sit him down, HELP HIM. Help him like I did for 13 years. Help him do the math, help him make the plan and help him discern what is in his best interest. But, they all just sit there and look at him smile. What a great and fun loving guy. It is as if the front we put up for 12 years has come back to haunt me. They think he had it all under control. I presented it that way, out of respect! I wanted my children to respect my husband. I wanted to “surrender” to him being the leader in the house. Now that I am gone, everything is falling apart and 700 miles away; I am STILL cleaning it up. I feel like its’ more than ADD, I think it is a mental illness. I wish it was, at least then I could find someone to intervene legally. Someone, who would look at this mess and put a stop to the legal dibockle. We are poor people getting poorer by a rich system and WE will not win. I am the saddest person alive at this moment. I’ve wanted nothing but the best for my husband and my family. I left because I could not take it anymore. I just wish he would fight with ration, I don’t even get that. I get partial documents, conjured up allegations and non-responsiveness all wrapped up neatly in a legal letter at the cost to him of $200.00 for the lawyer to write it and $300.00 for my lawyer to read it and respond to it. All of which he could have written to me in an e-mail, sent a voice mail or had a friend tell me for nothing. Because IT DIDN’T MAKE SENSE enough to pay $500.00 for! When I WE (not just me) need $500.00 toward the mortgage! I feel guilty fighting him in court. It is like fighting an opponent with two amputated arms and swollen eyes, with a trainer in his corner telling him…you can win champ, you’re the greatest, we’re praying for ya! God’s on your side! What can I say to make ANYONE in his camp listen, this is wrong!? My husband needs help! L
- Is it too late? by: Hope768 16 years 10 months ago Hello Everyone, I have been diagnosed with ADD. My wife was the one who discovered the common relation of my symptoms and ADD. She was very supportive in the beginning but I was less accepting. I knew I had ADD, there was no question. I suffer from all the classic symptoms such as procrastination, loss of memory, uncompleted tasks, finacial incompetency. I've been on a list of medications but none have had an effect. I sought a Psychiatrist but that became a "Pill Pushing" extravaganza. I keep thinking I can deal with this myself but it has not gone well. I have been more accepting than ever in the past 6 months (finally reading that 2 year old copy of "Delivered from Distraction"). I have tried to work on improving, but my wife has now moved in a different direction. She is not supportive any longer. She feels I have not done a thing. My procrastination to seek help and improvement as left her frustrated with me. Now anything I do related to my ADD (or not) is met with ridicule and scorn. I here things like "You're such an idiot" or "You can't get anything right, I hate you!". I understand she is frustrated. When I tell her she is being hurtful she replys with "how do you think I feel, I've been dealing with your sorry self for 16 years!" I now feel as if I am walking on thin ice. I'm afraid to say anything in fear of an argument. On the other hand saying nothing does not help either. When I look back on our marriage, this is nothing new. Almost from the beginning of our marriage my ADD must have played a role. Anytime I spoke, my thoughts or ideas were put down. Any task I performed was met with, "Why did you do it that way?" or "This isn't right at all what's the matter with you!" This has made me go into seclusion within myself (if that makes sense). I'm not open at home. I'm silent, expressionless. It has made me less in touch with my children too. I am never sure what I should say or do with them. I find myself missing the boat so to speak. Another day goes by and I didn't help my daughters with there trumpet music. I didn't help my daughter with her track aspirations. I didn't help my daughter with her project that's due in days. Then I'm told things like "You are useless, I can do a lot better without you" My fear is I'm too late in turning things around. I find it difficult to even think of a direction to go. I've asked my wife if she would go to counseling with me. She believes she does not need it. The problem is mine and if any one should go to counseling it's me. I feel I'm being made a spectacle to my kids as well. Contantly being ridiculed and belittled in front of them must have them losing confidence in me as a dad. The sad part about all this is deep inside I am an outgoing, loving person. I have always been the one people would say, "Wow, what a great guy, he's so funny, how does he do that!". I am an artist and love to play music on top of a myriad of many other interests. All of this has gone, it's very dark now. I don't have the finances to try another medication or speak with a psychologist. I know the things I have to do and find them visable but untouchable. My question...Is it too late to save my marriage? Roger
- gridlocked by: ADDmedStudent 16 years 11 months ago My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years and are both medical students. I was diagnosed with ADD (mostly inattentive plus major depression and general anxiety disorder) in Nov of '06 after failing most of my med school classes. The last year and a half have been a struggle for me in terms of giving myself a crash course in adult ADD and using therapy and medication to start the process of acceptance, as well as dealing with the humiliation that comes along with having any kind of learning issues in medical school, let alone just walking around with ADD. While I was progressing through the issues, trying to get back to some semblance of 'normal' for me, so that I could be a fully functioning partner in our relationship, my husband's anger and resentment has been festering (unbeknownst to me). I think the anti-depressants/anxiety meds were dampening my relationship 'radar', to some extent. When I recently decided to come off of them, I feel like I've woken up to my worst nightmare. I feel more alive and passionate about my husband than I have in a long time but he hasn't known what to do about his side of the process so he's still stuck in all the resentment and anger. Unfortunately, med school is not the time or place that you want to be working on major relationship issues (hence, the reason so many medical students get divorced) so we are struggling to dig our way out of this mess. I am beginning to feel resentful, myself, because I have worked my butt off for the last year and a half to pull myself out of the hole I was in but he's just been sitting on all of his emotions, not knowing what to do. I do have to acknowledge that he came into the marriage with very few relationship building skills and, although he has shown some major growth in that area, reaching out to me or taking the initiative to stimulate some growth in our marriage is still difficult for him. So, now I'm ready to start moving on but am facing the fallout of years of pent up anger and judgment. I think we need to see a marriage therapist (he and I are already seeing therapists individually) to help guide us through this, although the logistics of doing that are going to be tricky. I just feel like we're stuck. I don't feel I can allow myself to trust him emotionally, if he is going to judge me everytime I make another mistake. And he just doesn't know how to work through his anger....so we're at a sort of stand-off. To be fair, I am definitely super sensitive to any sort of criticism regarding my efforts to do what I said I would do or to any mistakes I make repeatedly. If I knew how to not repeat them over and over again, I wouldn't be writing to you all. I know I've neglected him throughout this whole med school catastrophe (been going on about 3 years now). With the threat of flunking out of med school hanging over my head everyday, I just wasn't capable of anything more than surviving day-to-day. I feel terrible about it but know there was no way for me to do it any differently. And he is making some effort to work through his issues. The problem for me is that a lot of this work goes on in his head. I don't know if he's thinking about stuff or when, and he doesn't come to me to get more information about my experiences or to share any realizations he might have come to. I know this is ending up being all about what he's doing wrong. This wasn't my intention. I just don't know what to do from my side. Our relationship has crossed some lines recently, that we were careful not to cross in the past, so now I am really beginning to get worried about this resentment getting out of hand (on both our parts). I really don't feel comfortable just letting him be and waiting for him to figure his stuff out. But I also want to make sure that I am pulling my weight and taking responsibility for my own issues. How do we break out of this holding pattern?
- I have ADHD but what about my spouse? by: ochnocon 16 years 11 months ago OK, this is delicate. My spouse and I both had alcoholic parents. Happily, the issue was outed in my family. My spouses family never really came clean about it. Denial is rampant. I have ADHD--diagnosed after about 15 hours of testing and a QEEG. My daughter has ADHD and dyslexia. And I think my son probably has ADHD. I'm pretty "out" about most of my stuff. My wife, on the other hand, is pretty private. I am increasingly convinced she has some attentional issues--maybe not as severe as mine, but they are material. This can be a problem . . . For example, when it comes to shopping, I'm big on lists. They rein me in at the store and they help me stay focused on what we need. At one point I made a template list, organized by aisle at our favorite grocery store, to stay organized and speed things up. Hyper-organized, yes. But it worked. My wife threw it away. She says she just "knows" what to pick up. How do I become more of a team with my wife? I'm not interested in forcing her to self-label. I've realized that fights like that are not useful. But how do we work as a team? I have a lot more to say about this and will try to put some more thoughts in another post. Neat website.
- Hoping I am not alone by: EMUGrad1999 16 years 11 months ago This is my first post ever on any site dealing with ADHD and I am hoping I can find the answers I am looking for. I am sure like many others I have a complex background that has brought problems into my current marriage. I have been married for almost 4 wonderful years to my wife Amanda who I found is my one true love. She was that one person you met and immediately changed your entire picture of what was and really felt like. I was diagnosed late in my teenage life with ADHD after it had cause a lot of problems in school and relationships. I was on medication and trying to control things that had previously caused me great discomfort. I was told that college wasn't probably a good idea because it would be so hard for me to get good enough grades. I was a bad test taker and it was really hard to sit through lectures. I wanted to prove people wrong and I did, I graduated and went to work right out of school for a very large company. The part of college I didn't tell you was I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for a couple of years and still managed to get through things. I got help after the relationship ended but never went long enough. I went from relationship to relationship and never felt what I thought it needed to continue. Then I met Amanda who showed me a new outlook on life, she was a wonderful woman who I finally felt comfortable with. We got married in May of 2004 and its still the happiest day of my life; I can smile every time I think about it. We had a wonderful first few years of marriage but I think my ADHD that I had left behind with college was still present and doing small amounts of damage without really knowing it. I had figured I had outgrown the problem and I could get along fine on my own. Our first daughter was born on 5/5/05 and things were wonderful. In January 2007 we were getting close to our second child together and I remember the day like it was yesterday. January 3rd when we were going to bed I did what I did a lot, I was feeling her belly and feeling the baby kick and move, it was a wonderful feeling and I loved doing that before we went to bed, I remember the baby having hiccups and we were laughing about it. The next morning same usual moments I felt and nothing out of the ordinary. She already had her OB appointment planned for that morning so i was excited to hear all about everything. She called me and told me that she was at the doctors and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I immediately ran out of work and over to be with her, I was a total wreck. We learned that the baby hadn't made it and they didn't know why yet. We would have to go to the hospital and deliver the baby as normal and that happened on January 5. That was the hardest day of my life and Amanda's. I was as strong as i could be for her and my family as she needed every ounce of support. We learned later from reports that there was nothing conclusive that caused the death, the placenta was more calcified than it should of been and there was some news that Amanda could have issues if we had another baby. This was all coming at us so fast, I am still wondering how with everything going on in my head I help it all together. To make things worse we had to make a decision of not having any more kids for Amanda's safety, I didn't want to lose my wife. Now during this time I was working a lot more and doing anything I could to take my mind off of things. i was talking to others and trying to understand why things happened the way they did. I had a friend that I had dated before I met Amanda and she was there to comfort me and we were still friends and nothing more. I remember spending a lot of nights awake trying to understand why all this happened to my family, Amanda, and me. I know I wasn't thinking clearly and Amanda asked if I needed help but I just said I would be fine. Well I wasn't fine and I ended up one day doing something that wasn't anything I ever said I would do once I was married. I had an inappropriate relationship with this past person. I don't know why I let it happen and i knew it was wrong but none of that came to me until after it had happened. I was so mad at myself and struggling with all the pain and mixed emotions. I did what I had learned to do before when you are emotionally abused, hide it deep inside and don't even think about remembering it. I went on as if nothing had happened and it was fine until a few weeks ago when Amanda found out about things and confronted me about them. To me nothing happened and I just denied everything, I really wanted to tell he everything because I knew I needed help and we would probably work through things at that point, but no, I lied like I have done in the past. She moved out the next day and is currently staying with family while we try and sort things out. I was in such denial that I needed help with my ADHD and how destructive it can be. I went over there last night and sat down with her parents and admitted what I had done with another person and how I didn't mean for it to happen and I tried to tell them about my ADHD and I am currently going to a psychiatrist to get all the help I need. I am going to make sure that I get everything sorted out and every ounce of help that I need. The bad part is that her parents and her see it as an excuse to explain what happened. I never went looking for this to happen with another woman and its not something I wanted to do but how do I say that to her. Maybe I am nuts and there is no hope for me but I am hoping by telling my story there is someone else out there that know what its like not to be able to control your decisions no matter how wrong they are. I also know that with lots of help and dedication that I can over come this and work with my wife to get things straightened out. I want to earn every ounce of her trust back. I broke a promise to her when we got married and I am so upset at myself for doing that. If anyone can help me out with this I would really appreciate it. Amanda is my one true love and I have known it all along but so many things got in the way and I hate blaming it on ADHD but looking back at the signs, they were all there. I love her and I am going to do what ever I need to do to show her I can beat ADHD and make sure it never controls me again. She deserves a loving, caring husband and father. Thanks for anyone’s help!
- Trying to Save Marriage by: mgilly30 16 years 11 months ago My wife and I have been seperated since January. I have ADHD, and it has affected every aspect of our marriage, procrastination, anger, listening,communication, depression, and no stability. We first seperated, and it was going to be a 6 month seperation, and I was ok with that. I needed to continue to improve on myself and she needed to heal with all the things I let her down with. She was in no hurry to get a divorce, and then the first of Feb she all of a sudden said she wanted a divorce. I have learned since then that she has been seeing another man. She has not filed for divorce yet, but I can't get her to go to counseling. She has a lot of anger, and she said she can't forgive me. We have a daughter together that is 3 yrs old, and she has 2 girls in a previous marriage. I understand my wife and why she feels the way she does. I also know that her heart is so hard right now, and I hope and pray it will soften. She has a lot of people telling her that she should divorce me. This is a very difficult situation because I know my wife doesn't understand what I go through everyday and the challenges ADHD has on my daily life. She has never accepted my ADHD, and I never did until about 2 months ago. I thought that I would be fine, but the struggles comtinued. I will never make excuses for my ADHD, but I know that our marriage can be saved with a lot of work. I have been improving with acceptance of ADHD, couensiling, coaching, and God. I don't know that she see's improrovements, because she never says anything. The relationship she has is affecting her going to couensiling, and it has been the big reason why she wants a divorce. I need help and I am open for suggestions. I love my wife more than anything, and I love the girls. I have forgiven myself and her for my past failures. I just pray that her heart will soften and she will be open to couensiling. Thank You
- how to bounce 20 balls in the air and survive by: treefrogs 16 years 11 months ago well 2nd time blogger- if thats the term, women adhd? Hummm to me is a gift (on a good day)! Have teen (19) also female with adhd diagnosed after me hahaha. I would like to know if the rest of female group suffer from on and off depression? I r a very high achiever and always have 20 balls in the air- but come holidays- agghhh most folk love them but me- well fall in a heap- no structure. Wake up in the morning and hey a full day- duh? what do i do, humm sit around, worry, what should i be doing? What can i worry about, lets think of something............ and so on. Can you imagine- well I am sure that a lot of you can. So to depression- is it ok to do a few months on SSRI's, is like rounding self up and pointing self in the right direction? 20 balls in the air- is very difficult for others to come to terms with. Like for us with ADHD- ' sit down relax, chill out and take the weight off" like in this lifetime or the next?? Righto- is it just me that feels like this? Cheers Tree Frogs
- Marriage and monogamy by: treefrogs 16 years 11 months ago Hi- first time blog- female, 2 year diagnosis with ADHD, adult kids, 30 year marriage, full time job, study masters deg and the rest. I wonder if other ADHD gifted people have the same problem with monogamy? Not promiscuity- thats well documented, but to be discontented and finding others? Short question.
- all-add couple, distraction, emotional protection by: addreamer 16 years 11 months ago Add came into my life last week. I am from europe, currently studying in the US. After my procrastinating became worse, I was diagnosed with Add. With adderall, my concentration became a bit better. Until Friday. My wife, a continent away, had one of her usual depression/Panic attack combos until sunday. The cause was her chaotic way of thinking in her Job. She nearly got fired, again. After reading about add, I think she might have it as well, but a different brand. She has zero self esteem, is chaotic, submissive to the point of self loathing. She is taking med against hypothyreodism since 2 years, but nothing has changed. Also, she has a different Job (teaching), while I am in academia. Several problems affect us. I have developed a lot of coping strategies since childhood, so that I actually seem to be very structured and boring, since I try to keep things stable. Since my wife is working, there is a major emotional crisis with here once a week. Even if I manage to work well, I am immensely distracted by her negative self-talk. Even her sad quiet face disturbs me then and especially knowing she sits in her room crying over a mistake or the past. I end up giving advice, rebuilding confidence, and after she is happily back on track I feel exhausted, I dream of being with a normal healthy woman, who is not like a child. This has become worse over the years. My work is clearly suffering from it and everything I have achieved so far is going to pieces. She fears that too. Sometimes she would urge me to divorce her, to save myself. sometimes I dream about having an affair or using an escort, to get rid of this feeling of being chained by obligation. I feel so sad. We have tried so much to get her organized. I applied for a visiting fellow year abroad to think about it. I miss her most of the time. After we telephone, I often don't. After reading the blog post I think about children: I would not have them with her. I am going back in one month and I do not know where. Probably you cannot help me with this. But how can I learn to keep a calm head when my partner is mad at times? Doing research, I try to make a living with my head. How to keep it free from relationship-induced distraction?