Recent Comments
- by: Off the roller ... - First, I want to say that I'm so sorry. I can read/hear your pain and want and need of internal peace and it feels like it should be in grasp but it's just out of reach. I've been following your story. I know you've been following mine and while I know you are in a very different place in your journey, my first thought is that it's only been a year. IN fact, if i'm reading it correctly, it's not even a full year and there are kids and having to co-parent and this will all affect how its processed and how...>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness
- by: honestly - Hi J. I was really struck by a few words and phrases here. Like 'micromanagement', ' controlling', 'not resisting' and 'comply.' These are all about power. From what you describe, the power dynamic between you is very out of kilter. And as for 'I don't want to hear excuses'; I would certainly not speak to my partner like this, ADHD or no ADHD, no matter how upset or frustrated I am with him. Neither would I speak to my children like this. I would not be able to live under the level of scrutiny you...>>> on Forum topic - Communication Missing the Mark
- by: J - Before I completely forget. Thank you for responding to me. I really appreciate the feedback and will take everything you said under advisement. I do understand what your saying too....and it's all good things to keep in mind. Thank you>>> on Forum topic - Communication Missing the Mark
- by: J - This literally just happened so I'm taking the time to illustrate how this goes. I'm out in the garage organizing and cleaning up my shop space. I've allocated my entire weekend to do this and its coming along great. She comes out from work ( she works from home today ) to see how it's going. She asks me if I'd open a box of cat litter that arrived and break down the box to get it out in the trash for tomorrow's pick up. No problem, I'm in the middle of doing just that as we speak. I reach down and pick...>>> on Forum topic - Communication Missing the Mark
- by: J - I'm actually pretty clear on what's happening and why but not exactly sure how to confront her on it without things going into a defensive posture. The few times I've tried, I've received a hard push back. These are the few tense moments where anger has flared. Neither one of us has had a melt down where things have gotten out of control but...all real communication has failed and no resolution has come from me voicing....I'm doing the best I can. Here's the run down: -She's very particular about her...>>> on Forum topic - Communication Missing the Mark
- by: J - I think you're spot about the RSD and I've considered that into the equation. But remember, she has ADHD too, so that's where things get a little sticky. I'm just considering that she may have RSD too and with two people trying to avoid conflict at the same time....I cam pretty quickly see where communication can become difficult. In essence, both feeling and doing the same things for the same reason at the same time.....if that makes sense? I think this could be part of the equation too? I think at the...>>> on Forum topic - Communication Missing the Mark
- by: honestly - He has also frequently accused me of being passive-aggressive. Obviously intention and reception are different things, and if that is how he's receiving my behaviour then that's valid, but at the same time I don't think there is literally any way to communicate with him other than lavishing him with unmitigated praise that would not be received as an act of aggression by him.>>> on Forum topic - Communication Missing the Mark
- by: honestly - Aside from everything else, do you think it's possible you might have RSD? They way you describe your thought process is kind of what I understand my OH's to be, and he definitely has RSD. I may have got the wrong end of the stick but it sounds to me that your partner is trying to communicate with you as gently as possible about something that matters to her. But the manner of her communication is offending you, and the thing that matters to her has not landed with you as important. This is what my...>>> on Forum topic - Communication Missing the Mark
- by: FrustratedSpouse - I have been married to who I believe to be an undiagnosed ADHD spouse for 36 years. Our 29 year old daughter was diagnosed last year and shared the information with me. It explains so much of my frustration with my husband through the years. How could he hear that I feel like I manage everything, and that I love when someone else takes the lead to make plans, and never hears me enough to take the initiative to act and plan? When I read about ADHD and how they don't get positive brain signals for...>>> on Forum topic - Angry at ADHD Husband - Not Understanding Priority Setting
- by: J - I was so curious about the concept of mindsets, starting with Growth vs Fixed as mentioned in this post, I started doing some searches in relation to political affiliations. * I promise, this post has nothing to do with politics, just more curiosity. When I ran across a study showing which mindset was associated to different affiliations ( conservative or liberal ) I saw mine and noticed another one called Outward Mindset, which was attached to Independents which is what I am. I looked that up and...>>> on Forum topic - "No man is free who is not master of himself " - Locus of Control
- by: J - Just a quick note that came in late ( as usual ) about my description on how my SO and I operate as a team. If I'm not mistaken...I believe this is an example of interdependence in action. ( at least around household chores ) I could have simply said....interdependence feels good when things are not out of balance. And trading off lack of sex in exchange for interdependence is a fair trade. Living life by intentionally J>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
- by: nt_syd - you have really painted a picture there about your relationship but im sure there is also so much more. I can relate, being in a situation that has some similarities. Im reluctant to offer advice, I certainly dont have all the answers and i only know what you have been able to say in a short post. Also, im pretty late to the discussion., but anyway.. perhaps a useful way to approach your problems is to keep in mind that marriage is an institution with its own set of scripts and expectations that itself is...>>> on Forum topic - Autistic woman living with ADHD partner - please help!
- by: Catterfly - I asked my (then undiagnosed) husband when we got married to please, please, PLEASE make a small surprise for me on our honeymoon. I told him I needed him to do something - anything - that I could remember going forward and know that was his contribution to our memories of the wedding. He had let me down on everything else he was supposed to do for the wedding/honeymoon planning. I only assigned him one task that was up his alley (ie music), and asked for his input on the other decisions, and he didn't...>>> on Forum topic - Angry at ADHD Husband - Not Understanding Priority Setting
- by: Swedish coast - Honestly, you certainly have a point. I also wonder at the ADD incapacity to see the harm they've caused. I got a lot of "your feelings are not my responsibility, they're yours" at the painful end of our marriage. That whole concept of ignoring the pain you've caused by deceiving and using a trusting person makes small horns bud on my forehead to be honest. True, it might be just as useful to describe the oblivious ADD person as a selfish git. The end result for a spouse is the same either way.>>> on Forum topic - Angry at ADHD Husband - Not Understanding Priority Setting
- by: honestly - I agree with Swedish. But I also know that selfishness and ADHD can look and feel identical (My mum calls my OH's ADHD 'SGS' - selfish git syndrome). And really does it matter what the intention is, or if it's caused by one neurodivergence or another, when the effect is so hurtful (and they are well informed enough to know and do better)? My own experience has been very similar. I have got past the hurt and now am in a state of resignation and inertia. I don't think there's a fix, tbh. I've just got...>>> on Forum topic - Angry at ADHD Husband - Not Understanding Priority Setting
- by: Swedish coast - I'm so sorry about this. I have had the same experiences with my ADD ex husband. It's spot on and so typical for the ADD I've seen. If unable to prioritize, plan and decide, an ADD person is happiest if they can string along with somebody else's plan. Which means a friend's ready-made plan is always preferred to a plan the ADD person needs to take some responsibility for. Yes it feels selfish to a spouse. Yes it's almost unbearable to feel your needs are not a priority, let alone shoulder the unfair...>>> on Forum topic - Angry at ADHD Husband - Not Understanding Priority Setting
- by: Peacefull111 - OMG I just looked up enmeshment and this is exactly what it is and how I feel, thank you so much for your comment. Yes somehow because of his adhd I have felt responsible for him and his emotions and making sure he was ok. All while losing myself and not taking very good care of me. Now that we are apart I feel like a can focus on my life again and truly find myself and my self worth. Not being responsible for him or his problems is definitely different for me but I know it's for the best and what is...>>> on Forum topic - I’m ashamed to say..
- by: J - I do enjoy a lot of physical intimacy and I am profoundly happy with her. Isn't that the definition of ambivalence? I think the only real answer here is to accept it, and adjust to it. Either that or find someone else or just leave. Will I truly be happy? I am already happy. Would I be a little more happy if I had exactly what I wanted? Maybe so. You can't always get what you want.... But if you try sometimes....you get what you need.>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
- by: Swedish coast - It seems you don't find sex crucial, enjoy a lot of physical intimacy, and are profoundly happy with your partner? That seems to me to answer your own question. Congratulations, I wish you the best of luck!>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
- by: Morgenmuffle - Hey Peaceful, I don't know if you are asking for advice or just venting. I understand your feeling hurt because you feel you caused hurt. You did say you've been trying to break it off for years. You also said he did a lot of stalking ("he would create tons of new numbers and emails just to stay in touch"). This is unhealthy. You sound programmed to take responsibility for his feelings. I've been in therapy for several years now and I am finally learning that I am not responsible for other people's...>>> on Forum topic - I’m ashamed to say..