Recent Comments
- by: Swedish coast - J, I believe this is a good and honest realization. We should take our own feelings seriously, as you do. Your partner, who you said has medical reasons for being asexual, might suffer if you suppress your needs and take it out on her. You might need to leave. In my honest opinion, the idea that we can fundamentally change our core person by work on ourselves is delusional. We, and I mean people in general, don't change that much voluntarily. I wish for you to live a life where you don't have to work...>>> on Forum topic - Had a Breakthrough
- by: J - that you've had to go through that. That must have been traumatizing. I'm ashamed to admit that I've had my moments with rage however, different than what you described. I almost instantly regretted it right after it happened. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed, with those feelings staying with me for weeks sometimes. No amount of I'm sorry could ever take those back even though I tried. At no point that I can recall, ever completely forgetting those moments either immediately after or the next day. I can...>>> on Forum topic - RSD, What is it?
- by: AdeleS6845 - My ex-husband would fly into a rage and go on and on until I was cowering. It took everything for me not to burst into tears or break down. The next day, it was like his memory had been wiped clean. If I displayed any kind of "attitude", he would ask me what my problem was. As if he didn't remember screaming at me, two inches away from my face.>>> on Forum topic - RSD, What is it?
- by: Ligia - (translation from Portuguese, original is below) That's me! I share your pain. I don't even know who I am anymore. I keep thinking: How can my husband have the disorder, why am I the one suffering the consequences? He himself comments that his life is wonderful. He doesn't understand why mine isn't. About flirting, I've been seeing things for 25 years... At first I tried to believe him, but now I can't anymore... After studying so much about ADHD, I came to the conclusion that all the episodes really...>>> on Forum topic - I am ashamed of my anger
- by: J - in terms of fearful avoidant attachment. ( thinking again about my SO ). From a fearful avoidant's perspective ( her ): She says, "I'm" too intense. But is that really true? Am "I" really so intense that she has to move away from me? Or is it, she's feeling intense fear, or nondescript feelings and emotions associated with intense discomfort and she's moving away from the "thing" that's causing her to feel these intense feelings? Is it really me, or is it something else? Am I to blame for these feelings...>>> on Forum topic - RSD, What is it?
- by: Swedish coast - Yes, I second on that. My husband probably saw me as the source of pain and lashed out - but all I had tried to do was calmly describe I needed his help because I was unhappy in our relationship. It didn't matter how softly I approached the subject. It always ended in him blowing up and me being even more traumatized. This pattern is vicious. It's what kills trust, and marriage.>>> on Forum topic - RSD, What is it?
- by: J - I've been reading up on this phenomenon as well as others things related. I stumbled across this idea and had a light bulb moment. "Although the brain doesn't process emotional and physical pain exactly the same, the cascading events and regions activated ( in the brain ) are similar. This suggests that pain from diverse sources, physical and psychological, share an underlying felt structure." So if I'm understanding this correctly, the brain doesn't necessarily distinguish what exactly is causing the...>>> on Forum topic - RSD, What is it?
- by: Swedish coast - I think we all need to belong, and I think you're right. To me, RSD has always looked like the end-stage frustration and grief of not being understood and connected. I know I've felt just as strongly at times in the marriage and forced myself to speak gently words I wouldn't regret afterwards. My ex (and his relatives) couldn't. They just yelled whatever would hurt the most, flinging their arms and exposing their teeth, and afterwards neither could remember exactly what they'd said or understand they...>>> on Forum topic - RSD, What is it?
- by: Will It Get Better - That is the question. If you think four years has taken a heavy toll on you what do you expect thirty years will do? It is horrible; it is real. It won't 'go away'. Ever.>>> on Forum topic - burnout or need a timeout?
- by: adhd32 - You have to leave permanently. You must accept that your spouse is not and will never transform into a fully functioning caring partner. Wishing and hoping and giving second and twentieth chances for him to function will not change the outcome. Nothing in your life will change unless you stop looking at him to change. NOTHING. You must make the big move right out of his life. Codependency may be the reason you have stayed miserable so long but once you take back your power and give him back all of his...>>> on Forum topic - burnout or need a timeout?
- by: J - "All human suffering comes from non acceptance of what is" The idea of space is key for me because of my ADHD brain. It's constantly full, all the time, with racing thoughts that will not stop. I cannot control my thoughts, but I can transcend them to a different realm or dimension. This is what Eckart Tolle teaches. This has been my path to escape my own thoughts and suffering....only to say: He speaks my language. I emplore you to give this video a listen, as he explains this concept better than I...>>> on Forum topic - burnout or need a timeout?
- by: Swedish coast - Off the Roller, I suffer with you. I came there too, to the place where there's no trust, where he is ridiculous, and you feel he is destroying your life day by day. I think you and he need to move apart temporarily to have any chance of saving this marriage. You need out of the daily friction. I moved away from my ex for four months. It took another six months together until I found myself at the non-negotiable end. Separation gives you time to calm down and live by yourself. It gives skills that are...>>> on Forum topic - burnout or need a timeout?
- by: sickandtired - I feel so much empathy for you. I felt the same way about my adhd ex. His helplessness and anger was unending, and he ruined our relationship. I started feeling overwhelmed with his constant rages and I started therapy just like you did. The only thing that made me feel better was to get him out of my life. Permanently. I was 60 when I threw him out of my house, and it was the best thing I ever did for my health and happiness. I tried "taking a break" from him a few times before the end, but my soul never...>>> on Forum topic - burnout or need a timeout?
- by: Swedish coast - It must hurt to not want to see your family and have concluded they don't know you and maybe aren't interested in getting to know you. I'm afraid ADHD members of my family may have reached that point too. Just so helpless in front of the ADHD-non incompatibility. I don't seem to reach over to the other side. And I'm so easily frustrated and irritated. Thank you J for your input.>>> on Forum topic - Distraction looking like arrogance
- by: J - to my other comment referring to my mother and her unintentional interfering with the relationships between my sisters and even my father. Some of this is just birth order, years between, the "fixed role" you get assigned that's difficult to get out of and a communication break down between my father and I ( not seeing eye to eye on many things ). This is all family stuff that I assume, all families deal with on some level even in the healthiest of family dynamics. There's no right or wrong in other...>>> on Forum topic - Distraction looking like arrogance
- by: Swedish coast - J, this is beautifully written. It is a thoughtful reflection on pain with an open heart. This same dynamic has played out in my family too and for my part came to closure this summer. Hurts since childhood have been put to rest. It happened because we had a hard conversation where I asked not to be invalidated. Invalidating has been long-standing, and it's because the person in question hasn't had the skills to avoid it. Now I stated it's also easy to forgive. The problem isn't that that person has...>>> on Forum topic - Distraction looking like arrogance
- by: J - I've spent so much time trying to narrow down exactly what is wrong at the source. And that answer for me lies in the attachment theory especially the avoident one. I know and understand my own insecure attachment but as you said, without open communication and the ability to speak your mind without repercussions, to have a difference of opinion without a fight, to not be punished for saying how you feel that is different than everyone else or better, to see things from a different point of view and have...>>> on Forum topic - Distraction looking like arrogance
- by: Swedish coast - I was guessing distraction could explain my relatives' inability to make something of our family life. Since they always seem to be caught by surprise - whoops, it's Christmas! But maybe that isn't even it at all. I don't understand them and I doubt I ever will. The dynamic you write about is relatable too. In my opinion the mother, who seems to often get to carry the wider responsibilities for the family, has a key function, but also can't be automatically blamed when the family is dysfunctional. I...>>> on Forum topic - Distraction looking like arrogance
- by: J - Getting into the realm of family dynamics and how this all works I am woefully uneducated. This is where, I can only offer my own experiences and what I've learned from it. Is it as good as it gets? Maybe so. Maybe accepting what is and not trying to change it will relieve your suffering? I'm taking that from Echart Tolle, someone that's helped me gain perspective and adopting many of his views to see me through things. Along this line of thinking, I also wanted to say in relation to your thoughts about "...>>> on Forum topic - Distraction looking like arrogance
- by: Swedish coast - J, it must be very hard to find silence and avoidance to be the safest route. In my experience, it's been the road to disaster.>>> on Forum topic - Distraction looking like arrogance