Recent Comments
- by: J - but life isn't fair. Hi LS89, This must be so hard for you and I understand what you're feeling right now. What I just said about life not being fair is one of the self talk tools I use to help give me perspective sometimes, especially when I start slipping into a negative spiral. I can help answer your question about is this normal for ADHD relationships, the negativity part, and the answer is: it's common for an ADHD person to have a negative attitude about themselves ( the relationship with...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
- by: 1Melody1 - It's definitely time to lay the blame where it belongs and absolve yourself. It's not about you doing too much or your approach or your explanations or your expectations or your timing. It's about the fact that it's SO much easier for him to blame those things than take accountability for the fact that HE'S not being a partner to you. Full stop. If he wants to keep this relationship, he needs to address the ADHD symptoms that are destroying the marriage... and destroying you. That means meds and therapy...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
- by: J - I mentioned saying "I don't know" when asked why I did something like that, when I actually do know ( now ). In the past, I really didn't know so that was an honest answer. Yes, I could say "I forgot" over and over ...which eventually starts feeling like you're being badgered. It becomes obvious after so many times of saying "I forgot" ..then why keep on asking? But, after what I said , is it actually forgetting....or something else? I believe it falls under the "something else" category from my...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD spouse venting
- by: Swedish coast - Thank you all for extending your generosity to me. In hopes we'll all have more serene moments of happiness.>>> on Forum topic - Happy
- by: Swedish coast - And yes, it's logical to me, since you describe high expectations on yourself, that you would not be able to let go entirely of your expectations of a spouse. It's contrary to your own values, your work ethic. Easy to understand.>>> on Forum topic - ADHD spouse venting
- by: Swedish coast - The breaking point is where we cannot accept our spouse's behavior anymore. I hear you. I think the reason why my friend can still live with her partner is that she has zero expectations on them. She knows the garden will always be unkempt. She has decided not to care. You seem to be more like me. I couldn't lose my expectations and accept my spouse the way he was either. I wasn't flexible enough. Hoping for change in him was futile. What can one do? I (today) am happy I dissolved the marriage. It came...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD spouse venting
- by: J - I understand that too. It wouldn't bother me, but it would definitely be perceived as criticism to my SO. What does bother me in particular, is when it comes at me as a complaint, accompanied by anger. Or the questioning...."why'd you do that?" ( being scolded or chastised ) that feels like a parent to a child. That's no beuno. A reminder is simply asking, did you remember X ? But I suppose, you'd need to have an agreement first that this is what will help...so no one is perceiving it as a parent...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD spouse venting
- by: honestly - ... if the person with ADHD does not also have RSD. Mine does not take kindly to reminders. That would count as 'criticism' and me 'being critical.' I hope this is not the case for you, Bill.>>> on Forum topic - ADHD spouse venting
- by: J - on the things you touched on in your comment. I may make an entire post on this but for now....I'll address something that actually seems to work for us, quite by accident it seems. Because my SO insists on doing all the cooking and really doesn't like anyone in her kitchen....I do all the grocery shopping which works out just fine. She's okay with it, and I'm okay with it. No problem there. But how this works is....she'll start giving me the list of things "she" needs to make the meals ahead of time....>>> on Forum topic - ADHD spouse venting
- by: J - I read this and so understand your frustration and need to vent. I'm guilty of not just forgetting things in the car but not noticing little details right in front of me. And not just the car, but everywhere I go. It's definitely an ADHD thing. At times, I just can't do two things at once and if I have to, something will fall through the cracks. If I'm thinking about putting groceries away, I won't be paying attention to making sure I have everything out of the car at the sane time! And if you asked me...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD spouse venting
- by: honestly - He insists on doing the shopping. It shows he is making an effort. Exercising executive function. He buys stuff nobody likes. Stuff we've said many times we don't like. It sits in the fridge and then we throw it away. He also buys the best stuff - the £4 blueberry jam and the most expensive supersweet apples that only he likes- for himself. He buys the cheapest stuff for us.>>> on Forum topic - ADHD spouse venting
- by: honestly - That's lovely. Small things. That's where joy lives, I honestly believe. x>>> on Forum topic - Happy
- by: Catterfly - Hi Swedish, I'm so glad to hear that you've found a moment of happiness! What you said about lost friends and relatives, and the children's feelings of ambivalence towards you, really resonated with me. I have the same conflicts in my past, and fears in my future. I keep reminding myself that old friends and relatives met the me that was enduring abuse. She was angry and bitter and frustrated that she couldn't find a way to fix the marriage. I only left a month ago, and already I'm looking forward...>>> on Forum topic - Happy
- by: J - for hitting the lowest point in your life, where you question wheather this life thing is even worth it ( I've never contemplated suicide or even entertained that notion ) but you still question it, and wonder what's the use? Then over time, you lift yourself up out of that darkness and start taking the first steps towards living again. Living, where you enjoy life, and everything becomes worth it and your happy again. I've been there, more times than I'd like to admit. So good for you! You're a surviver...>>> on Forum topic - Happy
- by: Swedish coast - So sorry Bluehive. This sounds as if both you and your partner are deeply unhappy. Your ambitions for having a rich and fun life together are impressive - in my marriage all the things you mention, parties, birthdays celebrated out, hiking trips - have been impossible. Of course we do have several children. That puts a relationship under significant stress. I reflect on the unhappiness. It seems to me if the two of you want to feel at ease and trustful around one another, you might need to redefine your...>>> on Forum topic - My partner's new method for dealing with my ADHD worries me.
- by: WildBill2500 - I do leave the garden entirely to my wife, but this year it never even got tilled or planted.I bought the nice and expensive PT 4x4 posts we needed to put the deer fence back up after she ripped it down last year to "do something different". So even that hands off approach has drawbacks and definitive losses. My father was a chronic salesman and bullshit artist. So, I strive to be the exact opposite. Under promise and over deliver. When I say I'm doing something, I do it without fail in entirety usually...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD spouse venting
- by: Swedish coast - I sympathize. I too have seen endless foodstuffs go to waste because of ADD. It sucks. This is what makes it so hard to be a loving non spouse. The waste. The waste of yourself, ultimately. But it's logical, it's the result of disability to plan, prioritize, execute, and in the trunk of a car perhaps also poor spatial skills, something that's dawned on me in recent years. What can be done? I agree it's not realistic for you to micromanage everything yourself. It would probably make you more frustrated....>>> on Forum topic - ADHD spouse venting
- by: J - walls are made to keep people out Honestly.>>> on Forum topic - My partner's new method for dealing with my ADHD worries me.
- by: honestly - I wrote a long and complicated reply here, but in short, the problem is that he won't talk and till you get him talking you can't fix anything, and you know this already! But I wanted to express my sympathy. It sounds very upsetting for you and clearly you are trying to communicate and connect with him and it's very distressing that he's gone cold on you. I'm sorry. I have been with someone with ADHD for 25 years, so I do know that burnout for the non-ADHD spouse is real, and that at times we have to...>>> on Forum topic - My partner's new method for dealing with my ADHD worries me.
- by: slowjammerukdog - So could one of you tell us what the article is called, please? Sorry if I missed it -- I just arrived here. And I have ADHD. Thanks!>>> on Forum topic - Exhausted & Resentful of ADHD Husband!!!