Recent Comments
- by: BeyondConfused - I might have missed what you were trying to say. Were you trying to say that sometimes my partner and I may be defaulting to certain behaviors towards one another due to patterns and as a way to relieve anxiety or feel in control?>>> on Forum topic - "That's Just ADHD" vs. Enabling
- by: BeyondConfused - I see what you are saying. That makes a lot of sense to me. I need some time to think about this and process it. I'm going to try and explain things a bit better. Because maybe I didn't. Or maybe I did, and I will see that once my brain has processed this fully. I realize you are talking about patterns, this is a little long, but I will get to the patterns part at the end. So if you can bear with me, great. Some of this I think I just need to type to get it out of my brain and help me understand what I'm...>>> on Forum topic - "That's Just ADHD" vs. Enabling
- by: Swedish coast - Your description of your current situation is much alike mine last year. You get to a point where trust has run out. Every interaction from there is just disfigurement. You can't be who you want to be, or act in a pleasant or neutral way, or cope with any more of your partner's behavior. I was told by close friends that I was disappointing them by always complaining of everybody else. I was also told my needs were greedy - I should be able to give out generously to others expecting nothing in return....>>> on Forum topic - "That's Just ADHD" vs. Enabling
- by: J - Hi Beyond Confused. I'm really trying my best to communicate better in an effort to stay out issues between my SO and I. We're all here to help each other so if you can trust in what I'm about to say, then I'm hoping I can say something that your ADHD friends didn't say very well. Having said that, I believe they saw something you weren't seeing in your interaction with them and between your spouse, but it hurt your feelings and your focus was not on what they were trying to tell you. I immediately...>>> on Forum topic - "That's Just ADHD" vs. Enabling
- by: Catterfly - It sounds like you're close to where I was when I left my husband in July. For about two years, I would wake up to him yelling at the kids. Then at night, after I'd spent an hour putting them to bed, reading stories etc (even though they were tween/teens), he would march back upstairs at 11:00 pm and yell at them more. Sometimes he would haul them out of bed to clean the kitchen - his chore! In January I gave him an ultimatum: no more yelling at the kids, ever, or you must go on antidepressants. And if...>>> on Forum topic - "That's Just ADHD" vs. Enabling
- by: J - Much of what you've said I've thought of myself at different times. I can only add my own thoughts in addition. From everything I learned so far, since I was first diagnosed ( about 20 years ago ). I'm more than a little confident in saying that ADHD is only part of the story. It always comes with other things. I actually thought I had OCD ( which I do or at least...components if not fully diagnosable ) I actually read online, a list of things commonly associated with OCD and one of them was ADHD. I...>>> on Forum topic - Is ADHD underdiagnosed?
- by: BeyondConfused - I feel my trust has been broken too much. I've told him how I feel, I have more than once communicated ideas to help build the relationship. It goes through the typical cycle of things work for a bit and then they don't. He read the book as well and was excited to implement ideas and suggestions. Until it came time to do so. The last time I tried to express how I felt, I just got told "I'm sorry you feel that way" and he shut right down. I can't work with that, that ends up being me doing all the talking...>>> on Forum topic - "That's Just ADHD" vs. Enabling
- by: J - I also wanted to mention....while my SO was bringing things from her past into our relationship....I was also doing the same. Rooting out anger is one thing....rooting out distrust is a different animal. Distrust is rooted in fear...and fear and anger are common bed fellows.. distrust being the by-product. As I was saying. That shit has got to go...in the toilet where it belongs! J>>> on Forum topic - Coming Full Circle, Paradym Shift, Acceptance is Key
- by: c ur self - She acts and lives like and unconcerned dependent...(like a selfish child who doesn't have the maturity to even understand her actions)...There is no boundaries that can limit her from using the quest room, the groceries, and utilities w/o any work or effort toward it....Unless she leaves.... We had sex up until I quit being the cheerleader for it about 6 months ago...It got very old dealing with her negative and un-thankful attitude...But even our sex life was just that for her....It was her finally...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
- by: J - After thinking about this for a while, I realized why I initially came back here again; Fear and anger are the reasons why, at the heart of the matter. a) I was afraid of never getting sex again b) I was becoming increasingly angry ( resentful) for being criticized and belittled ( talked down to as a child...in essence...being talked to in a disrespectful manner. ) If you forget about all the reasons why, and many, rightfully so, it still all boils down to those two things....that's all that's left at...>>> on Forum topic - Coming Full Circle, Paradym Shift, Acceptance is Key
- by: c ur self - I told her that I would carry anything she boxed up and put in the rooms she designated....I also told her if there were things she didn't want, to put it in a certain place and I would discard it all for her....She has moved a very few things, but, as done very little packing (she's a light hoarder and has an overwhelming amount of stuff)...Boxes piled in the living room for a few months now basically untouched....I try my best everyday to take it with a grain of salt...I've had 16 years of experience...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
- by: BeyondConfused - I was just discussing/thinking about this yesterday while talking with a family member. I had called them because my partner had done something that left me concerned about if waiting until I have a job and a plan in place to ask him to leave was still feasible. Interestingly enough, I think this family member has ADHD too. There were a few things on a form I had when I was pursuing my diagnosis that she seemed shocked by and kept insisting that those were "normal". Or "everyone does that" so to speak. And...>>> on Forum topic - Is ADHD underdiagnosed?
- by: Catterfly - Hi Swedish, This is a really interesting theory. Coupled with what we know about ADHD impulsivity, it makes sense! Diagnoses here in Canada seem to be a bit quicker so we may have more anecdotal evidence - not sure. But my husband and two teen daughters were diagnosed in the past two years. Our eldest was the first - she was 13 at the time. We were a bit shocked as she shows none of the signs you would expect. It turns out that she internalizes all of the nervous energy and it becomes really...>>> on Forum topic - Is ADHD underdiagnosed?
- by: Swedish coast - In This Is How Your Marriage Ends there is a chapter on how spouses drift apart with time if not striving constantly to connect. That theme spoke to me. I think the ADD mind may rest thinking nothing bad happens with time if they do nothing. Instead, their inertia kills the marriage. As you said, if she pulls away but still lives with you, she has the convenience of your resources. That seems like a comfortable place for her, but to me it's deeply immoral and also insulting to you. My ex husband did it...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
- by: Swedish coast - You're right C. I haven't had any male friends or acquaintances confide their troubles in their marriages. This is all women talking amongst themselves. Thank you for adding a broader perspective.>>> on Forum topic - Is ADHD underdiagnosed?
- by: Swedish coast - Realize my ex moving out would never have happened either if I hadn't organized it. Of course, inertia. Im so sorry C. Weeks went by and my ex did nothing to recover the trust between us after having RSD'd lavishly for a few months before divorce was finalized. He did nothing to pack stuff. I kept on cooking family dinners and tried to be brave in front of the children. Every day was torture. I realized he would never move out on his own accord. So I sat down with him gently and explained he needed to...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
- by: c ur self - I think it's possible that because you are a women (see and feel the women's perspective) it's common for you to feel and think these feelings and thoughts you have posted....I have read here about 12 years or so....Been married to an ADD spouse 16...I also joined a facebook group of all men, married to ADD wives, about a year ago....I can tell you that even though men and women have unique God given physical, emotional & mental features of mind and body...In my experience there isn't that much...>>> on Forum topic - Is ADHD underdiagnosed?
- by: c ur self - I think me asking her to leave shocked her....She had pulled away and pulled away until life was just like she liked it...(of course boundaries had also ended a lot of our interactions, which was me...Because after years of trying, I realized I could not trust her to not blow up and ruin any attempt at travel, etc... She said around the end of May that she could be out around the end June, and have all her stuff out by the end of July...I told her to take August too, if she needed it...(house has set for...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
- by: Catterfly - Hi Beyond Confused, I've been where you are, even up to the feedback from friends. It's so difficult and I'm so sorry you're in it. But to answer your question, I don't think the root cause (ADHD vs something else) matters as much as a few key considerations: - Have you told him how you feel, and what he could do to help to build up the relationship? - Can you forgive the behaviours and continue to be your best self, or are they wearing you down? If wearing you down, are you able to change your...>>> on Forum topic - "That's Just ADHD" vs. Enabling
- by: BeyondConfused - Thank you. Yeah, it really annoyed and hurt me. And it made me feel like I have no one to talk to. I feel like my friend exhibits behaviors that might end up causing resentment from her husband down the line. But I don't bring it up because they seem happy, and it's not my business. She's not being rude to him or acting abusive, she just lets messes pile up and expects him to clean up her messes and do all the cooking. But for all I know, that dynamic might work if they've discussed it before. I'm at the...>>> on Forum topic - "That's Just ADHD" vs. Enabling