Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Perspective of a woman with ADHD by: ADHDme 6 years 6 months ago

    I stumbled across this site this evening and read through many of the posts in the forum. Wow. I read a lot of experiences of women who are struggling in really painful situations with their spouses. Reading through this forum, I felt very sad. I felt sad about the pain and frustration that so many women are feeling in their marriages to ADHD husbands, and I felt sad about the generalizations I saw some of you make about people with ADHD. I wanted to throw in my two cents. 

    People can be unkind and have ADHD, but that doesn't mean they're unkind because they have ADHD. It sounds like so many of you are struggling with partners who are either strikingly insensitive to your needs or downright abusive. That sounds miserable. But I beg you not to conflate this with ADHD. I have (severe) ADHD and know quite a few other people with ADHD, both incidentally and through support groups. My friends with ADHD have been some of the most caring, supportive, loving people I've known. We all know and are deeply pained by the ways in which we sometimes let down people we love because of our ADHD symptoms. We berate ourselves for being late once again, or forgetting a birthday once again, and we have to work hard to push through the shame and forgive ourselves. And we find other ways of showing our love to the people we care about-- spontaneous loving gestures, or deep listening, or thoughtful and creative gifts. 

    Gender and the way men and women are socialized in our culture play a critical role in the dynamics many of you describe. I am in my early 30s and am not married, but have had several serious relationships, including one four-year relationship in which we lived together. I am heterosexual. I have experienced so many of the caretaking dynamics you described-- and I have been the one who was the caretaker. How many sitcoms and beer commercials have you seen on TV that depict a husband as a fun-loving man-child, and his wife as the long-suffering killjoy who keeps the household together? How many of you were given toy stoves as little girls, when your brothers were given toy trucks? This is the culture we have all been indoctrinated into.

    ADHD makes it difficult for your husbands to perform the tasks of household management, but it's the gender roles of our culture that tell him it's okay not to pull his weight, and that tell you it's your job to pull it for him. Even in 2018. I have considered myself a feminist since I learned the word as a child, and I still found myself being the household manager and the caretaker so many, many times. "Did you remember to call the doctor about your back?" "I'll call and see if your prescription is ready." "Don't forget to pick up the bread." "Remember you have to be home for the plumber this afternoon." When I'm living by myself, I forget to do pretty much everything and live in a constant state of chaos. But when I lived with my boyfriend, I threw all of my paltry organizational energies into making our household work because somehow I thought that's what I was supposed to do. As it happened, he had ADHD, and I wasn't diagnosed yet. I thought, "Oh, I have to help him with these things because they're hard for him." I now know my ADHD is a lot more severe than his, and in retrospect I don't know how I failed to see it. He was profoundly supportive of me: he helped me with schoolwork I struggled with, and the emotional support and unconditional love he gave me were life-changing. He put time and energy into our home, too: he did all the cleaning (and my messiness really got on his nerves) and his good taste in furniture and curtains and such made our home beautiful. But I was the scheduler, the rememberer, the coordinator, the expense spreadsheet maker. I share this with you because if a card-carrying feminist with really severe ADHD took on that household management role for her male partner, there's something more going on here than "people with ADHD are irresponsible." These gender roles are hard to shake. If your husband is insensitive and unkind to you, to boot, that makes it that much harder. But it's not because of ADHD that your husband isn't pulling his weight. Even though I took on that managerial role, my male partner with ADHD was wonderful and supportive and kind, and it was an equal partnership.

    I saw a number of you say, "How is it that you're supposed to manage all the organizational stuff for your ADHD partner but not enter into a parent-child dynamic?" I can understand that frustration. I have been on both sides of that. I think the most fundamental thing to remember is that your ADHD partner has gifts and strengths to offer to your relationship just as you do. That's why you fell in love with them in the first place. It's true that I really struggle with organizing and time management and memory. But there are lots of things I'm great at. I'm very outgoing, and I make friends easily and introduce them to my partner. I am loving and affectionate. I am spontaneous and flexible and I think fast in a crisis. I make boring things fun. I am warm and know how to make guests feel at home. I'm a terrific problem solver and find effective solutions to problems others give up on. I come up with fun outings for us to go on together. I am a compassionate listener, even though my mind wanders sometimes (I say, "I'm sorry, I care so much about what you're saying, but I just realized my attention was drifting for a little bit there. Can you rewind a few sentences for me?") A respectful relationship honors the strengths and weaknesses of both partners. Your partner has gifts that you don't have. 

    That said, I know there is often an inherent parent/child or boss/employee dynamic to the managerial role in a household. And I know it's exhausting not to be able to rely on someone to remember to do an essential task, especially when really important things like your mortgage or your toddlers are at stake, or to have to say the same thing over and over. When other people do some of my executive functioning for me, the way they do it makes a big difference.

    • Not constructive: "Oh my God, how are you still not ready??! What are you even doing?? We're already twenty minutes late! HURRY UP!!"
    • Constructive: "Hey, I'm starting to get anxious-- we're already twenty minutes late, and it's really important to me to be there. How soon do you think you can be ready?" 

    The first way treats me like I'm trying to make trouble on purpose and makes me feel ashamed. I feel angry and resentful and it's even harder for me to focus and motivate myself. The second way is respectful and motivating: it gives me the sense of urgency I need and empowers me to act on it myself. 

    Finally, I think it's really important to remember what your partner with ADHD can and cannot control, and judge their commitment by their effort. Here's an analogy: if I'm short and you're tall, it's always going to be harder for me to put things away on top of the kitchen cupboards. Does that mean it's impossible? Of course not. I'd rather leave them on the counter for you to do later, because you can do it quickly and easily. But if you tell me "It is really important to me that you put these things away, and I feel sad when you don't," I can drag out the stepladder and take a few extra minutes to climb up and down with each piece of china and do it. It won't look exactly the way you want it to, and if one morning I am running late and my hands are full and I just don't have time to get out the stepladder, I might wait till evening to do it. But I'll do it. I don't just say "Nope, I'm short, no can do." 

    Is your partner trying really hard and still letting you down sometimes, or are they not even trying? If they forget to do something you asked them to do, please don't accuse them of being passive-aggressive and trying to thwart you on purpose. We really do have poor memories. If they only remember to do 25% of what you ask them to do and you are (justifiably) stressed out by this, and you have a conversation with them about it, and you work together to research and try out some systems that will help them remember to look at a to-do list, and now they follow through on 75% of what you ask them to do, please give them some credit for it. Don't diminish your own needs, but don't think they're making your life hard on purpose. They have a disability and they are trying ten times as neurotypical people for a fraction of the result.

    On the other hand, if you tell your partner "You often forget things I ask you to do, and it stresses me out," and they shrug and say "Tough luck, I have ADHD so there's nothing I can do about it," that's not OK. But in this case, it's not their ADHD forgetfulness that's the problem. The problem is their insensitivity to your needs and their unwillingness to work with you to find creative strategies to help prop up their poor memory. If your partner genuinely doesn't care about your needs and you blame that on their ADHD, you are doing a disservice to people with ADHD and to yourself. Don't go around saying people with ADHD are uncaring. That's insulting. We are every bit as kind and caring as the rest of the population. And don't stay with someone who truly doesn't care about your needs and doesn't make any effort to show you love. That's not about ADHD, and you deserve better. 

    It is now almost 3am and that was several hundred words more than I intended, so I think I'll conclude this impulsive hyperfocus session right here. The end.

  • Common theme's in so many of our marriages..... by: c ur self 6 years 7 months ago

    One reality that really hit me recently, (in my own relationship) isn't about what has been said....It's about what hasn't been said....Most of the posts I've written and the majority of the one's I have read, have the same theme....Negative behaviors and little to no communication....Most all the partners who post here are asking for (me included) our spouse's to set us down, look us dead in the eye's and calmly reinforce their love and commitment to us....Then get up and calmly live it out....(That's never happened here)

    What I read here (and write) is a picture of words that says I'm starving for some semblance of an equal effort attempt at commitment....And spouse's who are putting words in their partner's mouth at times because they are so desperate for real commitment and real communication....Spouse who struggle with acceptance of their own selves for staying in a one sided marriage for so long....

    Yes, it's not what has been said...Most of us have spewed out enough words in our attempts to wake them up, that if our words were water, our homes would be floating (at least ours would)...Hoping one day a light might come on, and they might say, *** "Oh Yeah!, this is a marriage (two people) I need to lovingly participate in full" *** 

    It's so sad to see marriages end after so many years, because one partner just refuses to commit....I don't know if that's an add thing, or something else?....But it seems to be very common with many of us....And even when they want verbally commit, but shows signs of it, by putting forth effort all of a sudden...It seems to never last but a short period, and they never seem peaceful or comfortable applying them selves to the simple responsibilities that there roles requires....

    If you truly love someone and Vow life time Vow's...Shouldn't it be great Joy in the putting forth the energy to build a strong marriage relationship? I guess I will never understand a level of selfishness where you just abandon your responsibilities to the person you should hold the most dear.....

    Yep, it's usually never what's being said....It's what isn't being said and done that allows the relationship to die.....

    c

  • Craving Drama by: Hopeful Heart 6 years 7 months ago

    https://www.additudemag.com/too-much-drama-relationships/

     

    i think many of us can relate to this article. 

  • Social Security Disability by: hummingbird12 6 years 7 months ago

    Has anyone been able to get disability for adult ADHD?

  • Childish Partner Raising Children? by: Courtnisk 6 years 7 months ago

    Hello everyone,

    I'm new to this forum and have spent the last week reading posts that have been an eye opener for me - Thank you to everyone that has posted, I have leant a lot from you.

    My partner has non medicated ADHD and I am struggling with two things in particular. Childish behavior and blurting things out without thinking.

    My partner has had ADHD for his whole life and has all the classic "traits" of the condition. I feel I deal with most "traits" well. After a LOT of research on how his brain works, I understand that he cannot control most of these and I have adjusted myself appropriately to keep things running smoothly. 

    We are at the point in out relationships where marriage and children are something to seriously think about but in all honesty, I really have no idea how that will go - especially the children part!

    He is immature and extremely childish 90% of the time - which is fine, that's part of who he is and I understand that completely. It does at times wear me out though. He also says ANYTHING that pops into his head and sometimes the things he says are not the nicest and can offend me. This blurting out then leads to a whole other problem that I absolutely CANNOT deal with... He will then twist what he has said, tell me he didn't mean it how I took it, downplay what was said, or if he thinks I didn't hear him properly and ask him to repeat himself he will say something completely different that kind of sounds similar to the original statement. I think he does this because he has seen how what he has said affected me and has now had a brief moment to think about it??? I don't bloody know. During the beginning of our relationship this blurting out stuff was really making me question my sanity, I genuinely felt I was losing my mind - how on earth can I misinterpret, not recall properly and take these comments the wrong way so frequently?? He would say things like "you need to get a cat scan" or "the antidepressants are really affecting your memory" (I was on antidepressants for anxiety). I really feel he is so very good at being a gas-lighter he doesn't notice he is doing it. It makes me want to record everything we say to each other.

    Anyway, I digress, sorry for the mid post rant. 

    The reason I am posting today is to gain some insight about ADHD partners becoming parents and raising children. There are so many things I worry about. What is the chance of my child having ADHD also? How will my childish partner cope with a baby/child, will he step up and act hes age? If not, how would I cope with being the only adult in the family? Will our child learn and take on the traits of my partner even if it didn't have the condition? Will we be able to come together and be great parents together or will the issues we face now become worse? Will the gas-lighting make me doubt myself about parenting? The questions I have about this are endless. 

    I would greatly appreciate any input with this. Can anyone share their own experience with an ADHD partner becoming a parent and raising children?

  • I think my husband has undiagnosed adhd by: Splunky 6 years 7 months ago

    Finding this has been an absolute God send and my brain is going crazy trying to get all the info i can!  I've been married for 22 yrs and have 4 children.  My 2nd born has been diagnosed with adhd and depression at 14yo.  My husband always said he has the attention span of a gnat and that he knows he's selfish but doesn't mean to be hurtful.  I've learned to not rely on things he says because he says 
    "i changed my mind" all the time, and he often completely forgets.  He does what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, regardless of others most of the time.  I've learned to write him if we need to communicate about a deeper topic because he interrupts all the time and a simple topic turns into a fight with him just walking away.  We are both extremely stubborn so it doesn't end well.  I always thought I as the problem, high maintenance, demanding, expecting too much etc.  Now i can see that I'm not the big problem.  Obviously I've got things to work on, just meaning that I'm not as bad as maybe I thought I was.  Make sense?   His highs are so high, and revolve around exciting and new circumstances, his lows are low and revolve around difficult circumstances.  He wants to move every 5 yrs to seek new adventure because current situation has become boring and well, not new.  Always wants to be on the go and bored, seeking new things to do and I'm a home body just wanting quiet and stability.  He makes impulsive decisions but doesn't always act upon them.  For instance, we had a life change recently and we said we'd always keep our current house as a "home base" no matter what happens.  I should have known better trusting him.  Just this wk end he came home and told me we are selling the house.  

    He can hyper focus like it's his job though!  And he often asks like a child with my kids who are older now and thinks it's stupid, where once it was awesome to hang out with dad.  Even my 11 yo looks at him weird.  How do I wrap up 22yrs worth of experiences and life into one message to show that everything has become so clear and I just keep going "Ohhhhhhhh, that makes sense now!!!" 

    I'm so lost at the moment with what to do with all this new info and where to go from here.  He thinks add/adhd is not a thing and stupid.  I agree it's a blanket diagnosis often used too much in young kids in school.  But this seems legit and he fits so much of it.  I want to talk to him about it but, well, there's the listening thing, the thing where he jumps to conclusions and discounts me, and the thing where he thinks this really isn't a thing!  I'm not trying to change him, but rather for him to acknowledge that this might be a factor in our marriage that has caused much harm.  Even getting treatment imo isn't as high a priority, but to just know that this is part of it.  kwim? 

    Guess I'd love to know how you approached it with your spouse who didn't really think it was legitimate?  I'm a but nervous and look forward to hearing from you!

  • Life is on the up and up by: Heart's Desire 6 years 7 months ago

    I thought I would add to the Progress you are Making and Hope topic as it seems like I do a lot of 'bitching' on here and turning to the forum when things are at the breaking point, instead of when they are positive and progressing well. A few things: 

    • I had come to the point after years of soul searching and trying to pin down the most 'deal breaker' issues, that, for me, I could not handle or was going to support a disrespectful and toxic marriage, bordering on emotionally and verbally abusive. I decided my course of action was to choose to begin seeking a separation from my spouse and communicating that to him, which I started doing in January. He hadn't taken medication for 2.5 years. 
    • He started in February to begin taking meds again and sorting out his treatment with his psychiatrist. It's been up and down. This past weekend he started on a higher dose of concerta and I could immediately tell the difference. We could have semi-"difficult" conversations and it didn't turn into a full-blown argument, passive aggressive exchange! He is more attentive, and has been more since the beginning of the 'divorce' conversations started in January. 
    • I reiterated again in our joint counseling session this week that I will pursue a divorce if the unmanaged adhd, anger, irritability and frustration continues to be directed at me. I drew the line in the sand (for the second time in front of our therapist, in order to be explicitly clear where I stand). We had a good ending to the session and positive discussions after that. Perhaps it's the concerta.. . . 
    • I'm hopeful that we can continue to make progress and with his moods mediated by the meds, begin implementing adhd-strategies effectively, together (like organizing our life and splitting chores). I do really love him and the person he is and we're a good fit at the root of it.
  • Can medication be too high and cause behaviour isses? by: Julia 6 years 7 months ago

    My husband was diagnosed 9 years ago and it has been a battle, both for him and our family.

    HIs medications have changed a few times over the years, i don't have specifics on the treatment, all he asked me was to let him know if significant changes in his behavior happened. They have over the last 2-3 years: anger, impulsivity, negative mindset that makes him feel attacked even though there is nothing of the sort. I have mentioned it a few times but nothing changed.

    In the last year and a half, he was diagnosed with depression and I know they increased one of his meds. Not only has the past behavior gotten worse, now he has significant memory issues, forgetting entire conversations (did not used to be like that) and even people's names.

    I have been patient and supportive (even though he says he can't see that) but I am at the end of my rope.I want a divorce. I told him that but our daughter would have to give up on a lot - we are in a very expensive city, she has ADHD too and needs to continue therapy, she is in a great school in a specialized program and she is an athlete. A divorce would be very detrimental to her.

    So I am looking for solutions.

    I keep thinking his treatment plan is not working and I seriously think his meds are an issue. Can they be too high? He works odd hours so he takes meds morning and evenings, not sure which one when. Wellbutrin XL 300mg Vyvanse 10MG and 60MG 

  • Looking for Humor by: phatmama 6 years 7 months ago

    I am interested in hearing from everyone.  What are your "funniest" or most amusing moments in your ADHD marriage?  Someone on this forum described an incident in which her husband got sidetracked grilling corn in his old clothes at their son's wedding and I laughed until I cried.  It felt SO GOOD to read this because it is the story of my life in a nutshell and so ridiculous that it is difficult to even comprehend.  But, it happens, and we cope and eventually it becomes more funny than mortifying.  So, here goes with mine:  it isn't funny like "ha, ha, ha" but funny because it is just so typical of my ADHD life as we try to blend into our suburban neighborhood and not reveal ourselves to be the lunatics we are.  Not successfully, as evidenced by the day my neighbor, a very nice husband and stepfather, knocked on my door and asked me if he I wanted him to mow my yard.  My DH is not really into lawn care (I am actually convinced he does not even really "see" the lawn when he goes in and out of the house.  Is is just there--like electricity or the wind).  Anyway, it had gotten a little wild, but God knows it has been worse at other places we have lived, so I was STARTING to fret about it, but my " wife radar" was nowhere near "FREAKING OUT--MOW THE DAMN LAWN NOW!!!" mode.  Apparently, I have lived in this chaos too long, because my "starting to fret" was already bad enough that my neighbor was disturbed enough to offer to mow  my lawn for free!!!  OMG!  I thought I would die on the spot trying to be nice and thankful and apologetic and maintain my dignity and composure at the same time.  How on earth do you explain why your spouse just does not mow the lawn in a neighborhood that prides itself on curb appeal?  I wonder what he would have thought if I would have told the truth, which is "My husband doesn't even really see the lawn.  He hasn't noticed yet that it is bad, and I haven't started yelling at him about it yet, so we are still in the early stages leading up to the lawn actually being mowed.  Please feel free to enjoy the view until the nagging/yelling begins and he takes care of the yard, which might be awhile".  And if anyone here wonders why I didn't just mow it myself--it is a pushmower and we live on a hill.  I tried when we first moved in and am physically incapable of pushing it uphill.  He also thinks its fine and won't spring for a riding mower--LOL.  Guess who hired a lawn service right after that conversation--YOU BET I DID.  Best $160 I ever spent. The lawn has looked great for five years running now. 

  • ADHD& Marriage Book, Questions, & Other Stuff by: Anonymous (not verified) 6 years 7 months ago

    Ms. CrankyPants here.

     

    I keep reading and re-reading Orlov's book, and I'm still wrapping my mind around a lot of the concepts.  I feel like I'm beginning to understand how non-hierarchical thinking (my spouse) has really caused a pattern for us in terms of me having to take over a lot of the responsibilities and the resulting anger and resentment that I have.  Moreover, the constant state of exhaustion I am in, and the chronic anxiety and worry that something is not going to get done, or that I can't trust that deadlines and miscellaneous stuff won't be met.  Also, I can see how his lack of attention has made me feel isolated and terrible, and that even though I am so lonely because he pays no attention to me (comes home from work, goes in his office to play video games until he's ready for bed), it's not PERSONAL or ABOUT ME.  

    Okay, I get that.  It still sucks.  But I get that.  And I get that just talking to him about it does absolutely nothing. Well, I already knew that because we've been married 11 years, and he's literally stopped paying attention to me as soon as we were married.  No special occasions, no "date night," no thoughtful gestures.  No amount of discussion has ever changed anything.  So I guess, that's not going to happen.

    I feel like the book is helpful in understanding WHY these things are happening, but also ...I sometimes do not understand the writer's point of view.  She really downplays her husband's verbal abuse or tantrums and totally focuses on the non-ADHD partner being verbally abusive.  As I've said in other posts, I am the non-ADHD partner and I don't engage in cursing or demeaning comments on the reg, but my husband cannot go through any "talks" without cursing or saying horrible things about me, having tantrums, or just constantly blaming me for his behavior--he often makes his behavior and his feelings one and the same, as if he doesn't have a choice over his own actions, or the "cause" of his behaviors is something I said.

    I don't accept that.  I don't accept that his language and behaviors are "caused" by something I say. I guess I'm having a hard time with some of the things in the book because it seems like she is saying that her behavior is the root.  For example, she talks about her husband having an affair, and how that made her realize she needed to be someone other than the angry person that she was.  Literally nothing about that huge transgression, or if he had to win her trust back, or even that it was wrong for him to do that.  Seriously?  He's cheating, and so you think about ways to be the person he can fall in love with again?  That's it?  I'm not saying that she shouldn't have changed, but again, this book is written as if the non-ADHD spouse has the majority of the problem.  Okay, I guess that's her life, and her choice, but I really am having a problem with this idea that even adultery on the part of the ADHD spouse is more about the non-ADHD spouse.

    That I know of, my husband has never had an affair.  He's certainly lied to me so much that I can't believe him most of the time, but about financial things, taking his meds, or graduate school stuff.  He was in a PhD program, and at the end of the day, he didn't finish and he invented this whole scenario of extenuating circumstances about not being able to defend his dissertation, which I only discovered months afterwards.  It was so embarrassing, as I had completely fallen for that lie and explained it to my whole family that way, only to have egg on my face about it later.  I had already tried to go to marriage counseling with him prior to that happening, and literally all he did was lie in the sessions.  Our counselor suggested that he implement certain ideas to re-establish trust, and he raged and raged about how the counselor and I were just "trying to own and disrespect him."  So, obviously, he did not do the suggestion.  He also told me that he had lied in the session because he didn't want to be seen as the bad one in front of the counselor.  No one (not me, anyway) tells him he is a bad person or that he's "the bad one" but he will not stop framing any discussion that way.  Someone has to be the bad one or it's only one person's fault, so either I'm trying to make it his fault and I have "none" OR it's my fault and he's the victim.  I honestly cannot understand how someone as intelligent as I know he is can believe that this is the way conflicts are resolved, or even that everything can only be one person's fault, or even that there is a huge distinction between "a conflict" and just ascribing total blame or making value judgments about the people in the conflict.  I have tried to get him to understand this, but he just goes back to that frame every time.  It's exhausting.

    What I'm saying is, yes, I want things to change, and yes, I hope that I am open-minded enough to make those changes within myself.  But my husband has such a deep and abiding just...intransigence.  When he is angry, nothing will reach him.  Even if he has agreed to try "de-escalating" tactics, he will NOT do them.  He will not stop the behaviors.  I've even started doing this thing where I say "okay, I see that you are angry and we can talk about this later" and ending the discussion, indicating that I really care about what his concern is and I will listen to it and engage it if he will tell me about it calmly.  If I do that he will not speak to me for days--this time it's been literally nine days--until I come back to the "discussion."  At which time, he will still curse and scream and say horrible things about me.  And, we cannot discuss any other thing until he gets to do that.  Nothing.  Not "friendly" discussion, not household discussion.  Nothing.  He describes it as "me engaging his issues" but what actually happens is that he tells me what I did or said in some really inaccurate way, and literally will not hear anything different.  Even to the point of telling me what I was thinking, why I did it, and how horrible of a person I am. 

    According to the book, I need to stop trying to control the ADHD spouse's behavior.  So, I guess all things being equal, I could just not engage until he gets tired of not talking to me (never, as he has NEVER ONCE backed down from the silent treatment), and just never talk to him again.  However, I recently got a job at a university in another state.  As the semester is winding down, I need to get out there and find housing.  During this most recent "silent treatment" I tried to remind him that we need to get our plans going.  He refused to deal with it, even knowing that I need to buy tickets (now a ticket) to go there and look for a place to live.  I've tried for three months to get him to participate in the plan to move, and honestly, even when he isn't angry and shutting me out, he's bored with anything related to it and just wants to leave and play his video games.  

    So...I don't know how this is supposed to work.  I understand that I can't take responsibility for everything in the move, and it's stressful to be the sole responsible non-ADHD person. (I'm not saying that the ADHD spouse just is inherently not responsible; I'm saying his point of view is that he has ADHD and I don't so, "it's unfair, but you're better at these things than I am, so that's why you are the one to do them."  He has literally said that to me so many times.) I get that I am not supposed to control him or engage him when he's doing the silent treatment or whatever.  But I literally have no time to wait for him to be done with his behaviors.  So I guess I should just move there on my own and he should...?  Get there somehow?  Not to come with me because I didn't make all his plans for him?  I mean, I just don't know.

Pages