Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • My partner is newly diagnosed and I’m worried about how obsessive he has become about his condition. by: davehiltonuk 6 years 5 months ago

    Hi there,

     

    im new round here but as per my subject, my partner is newly diagnosed and I’m worried about how obsessive he has become about his condition.

    He was diagnosed in February and is on a mixture of Concerta 36mg and 10mg Ritalin which he uses to top up through the day by 1mg amounts. 

    Im supportive in his research and his treatment but he has become so obsessed with his condition and different ways to treat it that I believe he has crossed from a healthy interest in to some sort of hyper-focus or obsession. 

    There now seems to be nothing in his life other than his condition. He never stops reading books/forums/studies/scientific material/opinions and with every different opinion he sees, he mixes his medication or routine up... sometimes having disastrous consequences. He literally talks about nothing else, thinks about nothing else, every problem he perceives in the world can be ‘fixed with dopamine and ritalin’, if I’m tired, it must be because my dopamine is low (not because I’ve done a 12 hour shift and then come home to do the housework) and whilst yes, his condition is a big part of him and yes he should understand it. It’s taking over every waking moment of his and our lives.

    Has anyone else experienced this? Should I be worried?  

  • No more shutting up by: jennalemone 6 years 5 months ago

    This is probably not ADD but it does have something to do with how to respond rather than react to (or stuff) our own feelings of being upset with someone or with a situation that bothers us.

    I do not have the talent to be quick on the draw with sparring words.  I am often mute when someone "slams" me.  I don't take it personally as much as I don't find that kind of banter/ego-fighting discourse fun or even comfortable.....especially when it comes amidst a group from the person who is my spouse. So this happened:  My son was saying that he bought a wood burning stove...which triggered my husband to go on and on about the benefits of having a wood burning stove living in the north in the woods as we all do.  I said, "H, I have been asking you to buy a wood stove for 2 years!".  To which H responds loudly and sarcastically, "I AM NOT DRESSED for a SERMON tonight!" To which I was gob-smacked to silence - as usual - it is so stupid and disconnected.   So, for over 40 years, this type of him shutting me up with things like "Heil Hitler, Who was you n...r last year?, Aye Aye Captin'. Whatever you say your majesty, Yeesssss, maaaaaam" and more. (and these responses are not from me nagging in any form and I know I have a VERY soft voice) this shutting me up has had an effect on us all. These have been his responses for me for trying to discuss ANYTHING!  I have been mute for 40 YEARS when he says these things...sometimes in front of the kids.

    I walked out of the room for a bit to think about my own feelings and of this long-time "shut-up-ness" pattern.  I said to my son, "Let me talk to you outside".  Then I told my son that I was upset with his father because for over 40 years H "shut me up" with these sarcastic sayings and that this has become normal for us all to hear him jokingly shut me up and to see me shutting up like that.  And that I was not going to shut up about it anymore. I have feelings and this upsets me.  I don't want to fight with his father but that I also don't want my sons or my granddaughters's to view sarcastic words toward people in the family shutting them up as funny and appropriate when a family should care and love. I don't care if I seem like a wet blanket who can't go with the flo or "take a joke". Sarcastic barbs bother me.  That is what I said to my son.  For 40 years I have been ignoring this and my sons have been witness and we seemingly have all been OK/normal with it.

    Then after everyone left, I said to my H that this is how it is going to be from now on. I will let him know when I am offended by his sarcasm. I will let anyone who is in the room know I am upset by his sarcasm. I will not good humourly defend myself with playful banter.  If the granddaughters had been in the room when he "shut me up" with sarcasm, I would have had to address it on the spot out loud so that they don't learn that this is Normal/OK.  

    And I will.

  • Delusions by: Dagmar 6 years 5 months ago

    Is this my husband or is it ADHD?  My husband has a way of twisting situations in his head so things are perfect.  Sometimes I wonder if he's being manipulative, but I really think he's just delusional.

    For example, at our kid's school, once a month parents come in before school starts and get to see what the kids are working on.  Like an open house. 

    Well, we forgot again today.  I was moaning a little that we screwed up and he said "at least we made it to every other one this year."  We only made it to one. 

    I told him that and he seemed confused "We only went to one this whole year?" 

    How can you not know that? 

    I used that example because it wasn't so emotionally charged, but every job, no matter how good or bad is amazing and he's on a great career path.  Every stretch of unemployment is "something will happen soon."  If someone says they have a problem with something, they are "just looking for attention."  If you aren't totally blunt with him, he decides you are saying what he wants to hear and even when you are he sometimes says things like "you didn't really mean that." 

    What is this?

  • Loving or Beloved? by: jennalemone 6 years 5 months ago

    Looking back on my life, I realize that I have been loving in my words and actions.  What I was not, however, maybe was that I was not beloved. I don't recall being loved and precious.  I recall believing that I needed to work for acceptance and for my keep.  

    This weekend, I spent 4 days with my sisters and lots of relatives at an out of town wedding.  I made all the travel, shuttles and hotel reservations, and paid with my credit card. They didn't want to share in the decisions but "just tell us what we owe you".  After we got back, rather than appreciation for what I did, there was some descension about VERY minor things and I find myself unbelievably "out" of popularity with the very group that I thoughtfully made arrangements for according to what I thought THEY would prefer and for THEIR comfort and abilities.  I am pondering that today (trying not to have an emotion about it but rather just looking at it because it is a surprise to me).  

    It seems this is the same with my H so it must have something to do with me.  I seem to not know how to be "beloved".  I have not worked toward that end.  I wanted to love them.  I was helping them too much.  I helped H too much too and took away their/his own sense of worth and contribution?  This is not what they said, just what I am surmising.  

    Today I am going to do something I don't like in other people's demeanor...just for the experiment of it.  I am going to brazenly "do my own thing" and then look cute and coy and laugh if anyone challenges me or if anyone is "put out" because of my actions.  Because it seems to me that the divas, the "kids at heart", the "learned helplessness" is more beloved than the person who works behind the scenes to build up and support the group as a whole.

    I have always been comfortable behind the scenes and/or in a group where I felt connected and where I belong.  But this was not comfortable this weekend and I am not comfortable working behind the scenes and unappreciated by H either.  It seems that my efforts have been misplaced.  OR I must find people who want to contribute and work together better...maybe both.  This is just an awareness I have today that I believe many of you can relate to. In these two areas of MY life, I cannot give of myself the way I would like to because it makes me feel bad.  

    I do not know how to make myself beloved.  To me, it seems selfish to put effort into that, yet I know I don't want to be the facilitator to everyone else's happiness and be unhappy myself. I must have a change in attitude about "being" beloved and get to work on that.

     

  • Learned helplessness by: Libby 6 years 5 months ago

     I am wondering if this is an ADD trait. I am constantly being asked to do things for DH that I feel a 56 year old man should be able to do for himself. He came to me last night with pill bottles in his hands. Couldn't figure out how much Advil to take. If I had told him to read the label he would have a screaming fit at me. I know we shouldn' be in a parent child dynamic  but what to do if the ADD spouse seems to want it this way. He cannot seem to read a map or a measuring tape either. He relys on me a lot but has the attitude that I do nothing for him. Does anyone else deal with this?

  • Fed Up by: patlaap 6 years 5 months ago

    Tired of getting the brunt of her anger at herself. My wife of 19 years has ADD and depression. I’ve been reading the blogs about the “Parent Child Relationship”and I must say that it’s happening in our life. Today, I saw that she was running out of her meds, so I called the doctor to see,if she could come in for the script. Yes, she got an appointment for 3:00. Wife was outside pulling weeds and I told her we need to hurry so as to get there on time. Taking her time, she finally came inside to ge ready. 2:30i reminded her we had to leave to get there in time.  Well, we were 15 minutes late and now she has to wait for the other patients to be seen. Mad at herself, she, as usual, took it out on me. It’s all I can do to hold my tongue (sometimes). I made a vow to the Lord, for better or worse. So, I’ll keep my vow and continue praying that she gets better and we can have the marriage we had before.  However, it’s getting harder and harder to love her. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

  • Understanding Files by: leonardosalas9810701 6 years 5 months ago
    In the Desktop directory, as shown in the above example, there are 23 files and 7 directories, representing different file types. In Windows, you are familiar with files having icons that help represent the file type. In the command line, the same thing is accomplished by the file extensions. For example, "forum posts.txt" is a text file because it has a .txt file extension. Time.mp3 is an MP3 music file and minecraft.exe is an executable file. Listing of file extensions and additional help with file extensions. For most users, you'll only be concerned with executable files, which as mentioned above, is a file that ends with .exe and are also files that end with .com and .bat. When the name of these files are typed into the command line, the program runs, which is the same website - https://www.computerhope.com/issues/chusedos.htm as double-clicking a file in Windows. For example, if we wanted to run minecraft.exe typing "minecraft" at the prompt runs that program. Note: Keep in mind that if the executable file you are trying to run is not in the current directory you'll get an error. Unless you have set a path for the directory that contains the executable file, which is how the command line finds external commands. If you want to view the contents of a file, most versions of the command line use the edit command. For example, if we wanted to look at the log file hijackthis.log we would type edit hijackthis.log at the prompt. For 64-bit versions of Windows that do not support this command you can use the start command, for example, type start notepad hijackthis.log to open the file in Notepad. Further information about opening and editing a file from the command line can also be found on the link below. How to open and view the contents of a file on a computer. Moving back a directory You learned earlier the cd command can move into a directory. This command also allows you to go back a directory by typing cd.. at the prompt. When this command is typed you'll be moved out of the Desktop directory and back into the user directory. If you wanted to move back to the root directory typing cd\ takes you to the C:\> prompt. If you know the name of the directory you want to move into, you can also type cd\ and the directory name. For example, to move into C:\Windows> type cd\windows at the prompt. Creating a directory Now with your basic understanding of navigating the command line let's start creating new directories. To create a directory in the current directory use the mkdir command. For example, create a directory called "test" by typing mkdir test at the prompt. If created successfully you should be returned to the prompt with no error message. After the directory has been created, move into that directory with the cd command.
  • Please help me understand by: adhd32 6 years 5 months ago

    Several days ago ADD H told me he wanted me to look at the state website with him because he was re-registering his car and was having trouble.  Last night I was working on something of my own when he asked me to come over and take a look with him. After standing around waiting for a few minutes (he was replying to emails and commenting on FB) I said "call me over when you are ready" and started to walk away.  He huffed and stopped but first had to find the email from the DMV, but where was it?  Can't find it either of his 2 email accounts.  I said go to the DMV website and forget the emails.  He finally gets into the website and shows me the form and he proceeded to fill it out as he had done so a "hundred" times previously and kept getting the same message to check the information entered.  He did this several times and was getting more agitated each time.  So, if you've ever helped someone with a problem, you have to ask questions to see where the situation stands and what other options need to be addressed.  I asked him did you try this?...how about that?...  He started raising his voice asking the usual, What am I an idiot, of course I did?  How stupid do you think I am?  I started to leave the room seeing no good coming from this interaction but he was standing in the way so I sat down and disengaged.   I told him I would not help him unless he lowered his voice and act civilly toward me.

    The end result was that after he calmed down a little and let me actually control the computer, it took a minute to register the damn car.  He has vanity plates and was not choosing the correct category for the vehicle.  There were little bubbles to click on for more information for each line of information to be entered and where to find it on the current document.  I opened each one to verify the information was entered correctly while he squirmed because I wasn't going fast enough and I was wasting "his" time (I guess my time is ok to waste though).  I followed the instructions, found the incorrect information, corrected it and bam...car registered.  I said nothing just handed the computer back to him to pay the fee.  No thanks from him either but I've learned not to expect it.   I have nothing to say to him today, just moving on and acting like he isn't there.  

    If you fill out a form a "hundred" times and keep getting the same message, how can you be so arrogant to expect the problem isn't some mistake you are making?  He is very smart but doesn't read or double check anything. He just expects he knows everything and everyone else is at fault.  Of course the state has a stupid website and how was he supposed to know that he was supposed to choose "other", it certainly isn't his fault!!  I'm thinking that's why they put those informational bubbles but dare not say so for fear of starting WWIII.   He has a very low threshold for frustration and reacts without thinking of the consequences.

    I am very curious to know from someone with ADD or someone with insight why he feels he is entitled to act in such a roughshod manner, bulldozing over my feelings, and disrespectful when I am trying to give him the help HE asked for.  

     

  • Hi I'm new and broken right now - bf diagnosed with ADHD after 3 years by: kitten808 6 years 5 months ago

    Hi and so pleased to have found this space.  I have never reached out like this before but I am feeling so broken.  A long story short - I've been living with my bf of 3 years who has recently been diagnosed as having ADHD, like just last week.  

    He has moved to his sisters and finally gone to the doctors.  We both have to move out of the home I have had for 10 years because finances have gotten so out of control, rent couldn't be paid and its all in my name and now I am being evicted.

    In the beginning, he was so amazing and attentive - completely swept me off my feet - buying me a ticket to go to Corfu with him for a month, when I arrived nearly everyone I met (tiny village) tld me how excited he was about my coming to stay with him (he was working away there for the summer)....we ended up staying for 3 months and the intense lovingness started to slip away.  I understand this to bethe hyperfocus thing now, I have read so much about everything - I am trying very hard to make sense of what has happened and understand.  

    I thought the stress of making ends meet abroad was the cause initially of our arguments, so I suggested we came back to UK and to my place - I loved him so much, I wanted to help...idk

    He has had huge rage type meltdowns, literally screaming spitting in my face over the tiniest things.  Has repeatedly blamed for pretty much any shortcoming he has - this happens every few days and I have been walking on eggshells and trying so many different things to help him organise his business.  Everytime he hasn't applied himself and then raged at me for it - I've been completely dumbfounded and the arguments and shouting and berating have made me an anxious wreck.  Everything has become complete chaos and I am a shaking mess, but he has this diagnosis now and I am hurting so much that he can't look back and say sorry.  

    He calls the arguments 'upsets'.  I call them rage meltdowns - I have watched him punch himself in the head on one occasion and tear off his own t-shirt on another.  Around this time last year I had a miscarriage that had various complications and he screamed at me outside of the hospital.  He just writes it off saying he was 'hangry'.  But it was so bad that a woman stopped her car near me and asked if I was ok and needed a ride out of there.  I developed septicemia and had to have surgery - he actually was pretty nasty to me when I came out of there too - yet stayed by side the whole time.  I get so confused because he can literally be screaming at me then 5 mins later come and stroke my hair and be like its never happened.  

    I've been so scared at times, and I have gotten so depressed it unreal - I hardly recognise myself anymore.  Everything bad that happens is my fault in his eyes, anything he doesn't do oh just everything.  Even asking a simple question could set off a tirade.  I stayed because every now and again I see the glimmer of the person I met and fell for and my pot of hope is ridiculously big, until recently. I stayed too because its my house, or was.  Slowly everything has turned into chaos, he insisted on handling the finances and is unapproachable to talk about money - I have helped him in his business and work affectively for meals. Havent had any of my own money for such a long time - I had forgotten my pin number at the cashpoint the other day!  I begged to help budget but its always thrown in my face and he blames all financial problems onto me and calls me a user and a loser becuase I am struggling to keep up with running my own business because I have practically lost the urge to get out of bed in the morning.  He shouts at me that I am sex starving him because I dont want to just suddenly have sex, but I don't feel sexy anymore, I feel depressed and more like a parent than a SO.

    Now he has been diagnosed, its like everything that has happened doesn't matter, but I am left here completely reeling - he seems happy, and I am for him that he can start to improve the quality of his life.  I am devastated that he cannot see or acknowledge the affects it had had on our relationship and living situation.  I thought I was going crazy.  

    If you've read this, thank you for taking the time.  I hope you can make some sense of it, I'm not feeling like I being very coherent and keep bursting into tears all the time.  

  • 25 years of constant job loss by: Squashee 6 years 5 months ago

    Husband is in denial of his ADHD symptoms despite the fact that we have a son with it and did therapeutic foster care for multiple kids with it. He just refuses to equate any of his problems with keeping a job to ADHD. Over 25 years he's had 28 jobs, the longest lasted 4 years. Every time he gets fired he claims he has no idea why or makes excuses for why he couldn't possibly have performed any better. Usually he claims they never trained him properly or the equipment was faulty or the conditions weren't "ideal" (too hot, too cold, no breaks, no instructions, etc) 

    Needless to say I'm exhausted with lack of finances on top of his denials of responsibility. I don't know what to do anymore. We're both in our 50's now and I just don't have the energy anymore to keep up with everything for all of us. How do we find him a job he can keep? Where do we go for help? What options are available? 

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