Okay-brace yourself for a big vent.  DH is 49, unmedicated ADHD.  We have been married for 23 years, god help me.  We have two sons, ages 18 and 16.  We did a big splurge trip with each son with dad (I am a terrible traveler).  A few years ago DH and the older one went to Costa Rica.  The younger one chose Peru.  So-last year's end of the year bonus (before he got fired) paid for the trip.  Here's what I asked of him: don't take the child out of school for more than a day or two (this child has a hard time keeping up when he is IN school-let's not take him out) AND don't spend a lot of money on crap.  Anyone want to guess what happened?  Anyone?  Hands?  Well, he planned the trip to take up some of the child's spring break--GOOD--but he missed FOUR days of school as well--BAD.  And the "don't spend a ton of money on crap".  Yeah right.  They got home on Thursday.  Here's what came home with them: FOUR baseball hats.  They each took a hat from home with them, but kept forgetting them when they went out during the days and had to keep buying more.  Alpaca statues--FOUR alpaca statues.  WHY???  Sure, alpacas are cute, but seriously-I don't need them to be a big part of our decor.  FOUR.  Three handmade pouch-type wallets.  THREE.  All exactly the same.  I have a wallet, as do both kids.  Many t-shirts (those are okay).  An alpaca couch blanket.  Our couches are deep green with lemon yellow throw pillows.  The blanket they bought is brown.  Does not match at all.  Whatever.  A scarf for me (like one that goes under a winter coat).  The scarf is also brown with bright pink - you guessed it - alpacas on it.  My winter coats are black and navy.  A large Peruvian tapestry to hang...somewhere.  And every single serve snack they had on every flight.  I have a pile of little packages of nuts, shortbread, dried fruit.  WHY bring this stuff home??  Oh--I forgot--two watercolors, supposedly done by some famous local artist.  Unframed.  And the most head scratching item: a bracelet for DH.  It cost $50.  This thick black something with silver Inca crosses on it.  Again I ask you why??  We are not Inca and DH is not the least bit religious, in fact he told me recently he only came to church with me for many years because it was important to me, but he really doesn't believe in anything.  So why Inca crosses?  And maybe it's just me, but stupid bracelets on grown men who wear suits to work looks ridiculous to me.  He used to wear this cord with a silver arrow on it--a nod to the archery he used to do--that looked ridiculous on him too.  I realize how petty this all sounds.  I am not a clutter girl, hate spending money on junk.  Why purchase stuff that has no meaning AND buy so many items--4 statues??  Three wallets?  I don't understand.  The wallets in particular--all three are exactly the same.  I won't use one, neither with either child.  So who are they for?  I'm sure it's the impulsive ADHD thing--OH--THIS IS PRETTY AND CHEAP!  GET MANY!  But geez.  Grow up and get some control.  I know--if our ADHD people could grow up and get some control none of us would be on this board or stuck in marriages that are so deeply unsatisfying.  DH has a passive aggressive streak a mile wide, so I am sure there is some of that going on too--I told him to do something, so he did exactly the opposite.  So exhausting to live with.  How long do I have to keep the ugly scarf before I can donate it?  I won't wear it, but he may ask me about it.  A month?  Tomorrow?  Help me!!!

Okay--thanks for letting me vent.  Stupid alpacas.

im sittng here crying, i cant do this anymore.

i have been dealing with my adhd partner for years. i feel, lost, hopeless and i see no light at the end of the tunnel. he has well and truly broken me. i sat in a cafe and bawled my eyes out today, i ddint care who was watching. the energy that goes into this relationship has well and truly drained me. for the last few years i have put up with his extreme mood swings, angry outbursts for the silliest things, some physical violence (not anything extreme mainly pushing/shoving/grabbing but due to his size there was no way i could defend myself), laziness,, emotional abuse and controlling behaviour the endless apologies and promised to change. we broke up for quite a while but for some silly reason i gave him another chance. alot of his issues are from his ADHD but he is also emotionally abusive. 

some things that set him off today - he has a very bad habit of sleeping through his alarm, not setting it, or his phone dying during the night. this morning apparently his alarm didnt go off so he missed work. usually i get abused for this as he thinks ive woken up and turned his alarm off. instead of saying he screwed up and slept in he has to shift the blame to me. luckily today i fell asleep in my daighters bed so i coudlnt get blamed for it. he was very angry about it but i didnt say a word. then we were going to lunch before a school assembly and he suggested going to a cafe about 15 mins in the opposite direction. no problems, we left a bit early and the cafe had run out of a few dishes as they were leaving for a 2 week break the next day. he blew up about that, so i went through all the stuff they had left (3/4 of the menu) and suggested things because we were already there and he started swearing, carrhying on that he didnt want to pay top dollar for this shit. it was a lunch menu so very cheap mind you. we ended up leaving.  then he kept asking what i wanted and suggested that i was whinging about the cafe. i raised my voice because i couldnt believe what i was hearing and said i was happy to eat there, you were the one behaving like a baby. he screamed so loud in my face. stop fucking screaming at me! i dont think i could ever scream that loud if i tried. straight away i was frightened so i instantly closed up, didnt say a word again. when we got near the school i got out of the car and told him to leave me alone i was going to have a coffee by myself. he followed me to the cafe and ordered food for us and it was nearly triple the price of the first cafe. 

every day its something. he complains about not having sex and then when i say 'do you not remember how you acted towards me this morning, why would i want to' this is usually him calling me a nasty name or getting upset over something stupid. he'll say that im holding a grudge from something he did 2 weeks ago. um no, you are nasty to me every day! 

he doesnt ever hekp with the kids unless i get really upset. ill be cookig dinner, dealing with a crying baby, trying to bathe and sort out the other one. he'll sit there on the computer reading his facebook. he does nothing around the house, if i do ask him for something simple like taking out the bins i have to practically beg him on bin night and it ends up in a massive fight. i refused to do it for a few weeks and even had to wake him up at 4 in the morning when i heard the trucks for him to do it. if i ask him to put his shoes away he blows up at me. tells me im lazy, and that he has to do everything around the house. i have a rule here that if you cook, you clean up. only because as most adhd partners would undesrstand the kitchen looks like a bomb hit it after cooking a simple thing. i usually give in., the other day i didn't and wow what a tantrum. i got called every name under the sun, accused of sleeping all day, not feeding the kid, being lazy and so on. he got very frightenign with the yelling again. this is all while the 2 kids are in the house.

the inside of our house is clutter free, and always tidy apart from the kids mess. outside is disgusting. he has tools, materials, crap that he things hes going to resell for more money but it ends up getting rusty and yuck because he doesnt take care if anything, you cant even get into the shed. the lawn is unkempt. i have asked if we can hire someone to fix it up be is always going to fix it. yet he never does. i clean and tidy up outside, throw stuff out \only for it to be replaced with mnore crap.

i can honestly say my life was so much easier and stress free when i was single. i need to leave but fuinanciallhy it seems to be impossible at this stage. thats anothing thing. he earns quite a decent wage yet he has no savings. he buys stupid shit we dont need all the time. i scrape by every week, never buy things for myself and he can walk into a store and drop 200 on something silly. like a pool cue. we dont have a pool table and he barely plays. then he says i dont let him have hobbies. he is out drinking all the time, he doesnt have hobbies because he is always too hungover., actually he has a new hobby every months and he has to spend money on it for him to not be interested a month later. 

argh! i cant fucking deal 

Hello, 

I am a wife and mother of 3 boys. My husband and son were diagnosed with ADHD in the last year or so. I've always assumed they had ADHD from their hyperactive tendencies but we've been able to manage through the last 10+ years up until a year ago. It has constantly been a rollercoaster ride of emotions with my husband and I want to be cognizant of my son (because he too has ADHD) when trying to handle situations at home. We've considered ending our relationship several times because of how unhappy we've become but continued to remind of ourselves how much more we'd be hurting everyone in the process than helping. We both want things to work but obviously it's harder said than done. He refuses marriage counseling, therapy, etc. He does not like to share his personal business nor is he interested in getting advice from strangers. Although, since our challenges at home, he's gone on the internet to find answers to help him understand our relationship through videos and articles and that has seemed to help us over some of these hurdles. I've devoted my life to our relationship, our family, bettering myself for my family in education and career but even that doesn't seem to be enough. I feel like I've mentally grown up and he's still stuck in the 'I want to have fun phase.' I believe in working hard to play hard but he sees it as, "come on give me a break for once so that I don't have to work as hard to move up in life." Our parenting styles are so different, our way of living is different--we've just really grown into two different people who find different things being more important. There's obviously much more to the story but I know that ADHD has played a significant role in creating this roadblock in our marriage. I am going to think of a million different ways to getting thru to him but I too have my own breaking point. I am always the one having to take the lead and it is just exhausting. The foundation of our relationship has been built on carrying our own weight and it should be a joint venture where we help each other. We are practically 90% compatible, but majorly lacking the remaining 10%, of which is being responsible. The inconsistency in responsibilities, lack of communication, inconsideration and 0-100 mph attitude is just overall frustrating. My next attempt is to reach out to others who are in similar situations to better understand ADHD and to better understand my husband and how I can play a role in trying to improve our relationship by working with his ADHD. Or who knows... Maybe this relationship is dead in the water? What I will say is I won't give up without fighting and if ADHD is a hurdle we need to overcome in this relationship, I'm all for it. It takes two to make this work but I'm hoping others can help me shed some light into what works for them in making a marriage work with a partner who has ADHD. I do not have ADHD but we really need to find a common ground for the sake of our selves, each other and our children.

Today I just feel wrecked.  Same shit different day, and after 21 years, that's a lot of days and a lot of shit.  All we do is argue anymore and the time it takes to reconnect afterward gets longer and longer.  If I am being honest, I am not sure we really are reconnecting rather than just putting on another layer of battle armor and soldiering on to fight another day.  So, today, here is how ADHD is affecting my life.  My husband knew I had scheduled a get together tonight in our home after a neighbor asked me to host a small product party for her launch as a consultant. My husband was expected to attend because she is selling it with her boyfriend who is also very involved with athletics and physical fitness as my husband is and this product speaks to that demographic.   I said yes and let my husband know that this was going on today.  He has known since the day before he arrived home from work (he is gone for a week) on Monday (I texted him so he wouldn't forget)  that this was happening.  Last night, he disappeared to another town 1.5 hours away to put in some time at his business there.  Yes, he works out of town for a week at a time, then gets home and spends at least one if not more days out of town for his business/hobby/passion.  I have talked until I am blue in the face about feeling lonely and disconnected but he always thinks he can "catch up" the time with me "someday" when things aren't so busy.  Fun fact:  he has always run this hard and now that we have a family and careers, I have been left behind.  There will never be time for me and I am long past believing there will be, although since he as no concept of time, he truly believes there is and that he can make up for years of being too busy for me.  Typical ADHD disconnect from reality.  Well intentioned but delusional.  Anyway, about tonight.  Since he opted to stay all night with family out of town last night, I had a bad feeling when I still hadn't been able to reach him by about noon today.  I called.  No response.  Called a little later.  No response.  Texted.  Same thing.  Totally ghosted.  (When he is in "the zone" with his hobby/business, all Hell could break loose around him and he would be oblivious.  Except for our children.  He will always stop for them.)  Since I couldn't reach him, I stooped really low and called our 21 year old daughter and asked her to ask  him to call me because I needed to make sure he was going to be home soon to help me out fo tonight's party.  Nothing major, I just needed some clutter off the kitchen table, the sliding glass doors wiped down, and a cheese and fruit tray picked up because I am working until right up until this starts (this is my ADHD  moment and piss poor scheduling, I can see this now as I am writing this). So, after our daughter reaches him, he texts me.  "busy.  working.  will be home at 5:30" !!!!!!!!!! What the HELL?????????? It STARTS at 5:00!!!!!!!! NO!  Just NO!!!! At that point, I am livid. I do the thing no one should ever do, which is start freaking out over text.  I know how unhealthy and toxic this is, but I don't know what to do.  He ditched me.  He won't take my calls or really LISTEN to my concerns.  He wants to breeze in 30 minutes after it starts and it's all good?  Why would other husbands just automatically understand that this is a terrible idea and mine has no clue??????  Well, ADHD of course.  He truly, absolutely has no idea that there is any other protocol for partnership that does not include behaving this way.  And the worst thing is, he will breeze in and make ME the problem because I am so upset and "intense" and "over the top" and being "dramatic" and blah blah blah.  No ownership whatsoever of the fact that he has left me, his partner, alone again with  no head's up so I could prepare.  I finally called my mom and dad, who don't even live in our town, and they are going to get our daughter off the bus and tidy up the front room and clean my sliding glass doors.  Thank god for them.  Just thank God.  They are truly all that stands between me and a nervous breakdown.  I don't know how much longer I can do this.  I don't know how I have done it this long.  This is the loneliest and must crazy-making situation I could ever imagine being in.  It is like falling down the rabbit hole into Crazy Town every day of my life and trying to figure out what I am supposed to do.  I used to worship the ground this man walked on and felt so damned lucky to have found him, but that ship has sailed.  I am exhausted and lonely and wrecked and I have no idea what to do differently to make this work better.