Recent forum posts (all topics)
- To-Do List Humor by: bowlofpetunias 6 years 8 months ago
- Wife has decided that I am ADD and she is not even though we were both tested. by: dzynrdave 6 years 8 months ago
I could write a novel on how one sided our relationship is, but for the sake of your sanity, I want to focus on one aspect.
My wife has kept notes on everything I have done 'wrong'. If I forget to take out the trash on a busy week, I am ADD even though it happens like once a year. She forgets things more often than remembering them.
You get the idea. Compound that with the fact that her family thinks I am the bad guy. They walk into the house and say 'Wow (wife's name) you really keep a tidy house!' - but nearly all of that work was me. I do the laundry, I do the dishes, I cook the meal, shovel, fix cars, etc.
She accepts the compliment and if pressed, insists I do not do more than her. In fact I do less.
And now, she insists I am ADD and that her diagnosis was wrong. Yet, if she fails, she will fall back on ADD diagnosis and say Im shaming her.
All I want is for 2 simple things to happen. Just acknowledge I do what I do and accept she has challenges that need to be at least mildly addressed.
I get that ADD causes all of these issues, but I am flummoxed as to how they cannot math right!
Im burning out trying to meet her insane expectations. She wants to remodel the house in a year, go to Italy every year, pay for her sister to go to Italy with us, pay for taking our 4 kids to Scotland for a few weeks, spend all her time on work, save the world, but leave me sit at home after surgery while she puts quarters in Aldi's carts to 'help random people'...
Someone please say something that makes this all make sense.
- Soooo much fighting amongst the children by: Brindle 6 years 8 months ago
Almost every child in our family has ADHD. My stress level with the fighting amongst them is so high. One of the children who doesn’t seem to have ADHD is copying the behavior she sees them exhibit.
Someone PLEASE give me some ideas. I’ve tried so many things already, and every article I can find online only addresses if one child has ADHD.
- What would you have done differently? by: lehcar 6 years 8 months ago
For those of you that have lived through something similar, what do you wish you had done when you were dealing with work, kids, and an ADHD spouse?
My husband was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 40 when after the birth of our third child, our marriage started to really struggle. We have three young kids ages 4, 2, and 1. That would make anyone insane, but with my husband’s ADHD, I’m at my breaking point.
My husband’s defensiveness and moodiness are so draining. I walk on eggshells and try to do as much as I can myself, and ride the waves of the daily moods, but every week or two he spirals into a bout of insecurity and defensiveness that leads to days of us barely speaking. The stress is taking a huge toll on me and I keep asking myself if this is worth it, but with small kids, I can’t imagine splitting up.
I’m considering all sorts of things to minimize the chaos - going part time, an in-house separation, pausing retirement contributions in order to have nearly round the clock help or an au pair.
If you’ve lived through this, what do you WISH you had done? Every move feels like an enormous sacrifice right now, so what’s the right sacrifice to make? My health? My career? My marriage?
- intensity of love enough? by: TomInSpace 6 years 8 months ago
Hi all,
I am new to this forum. I just want to get a sense from other people who have ADHD what their experience in serious relationships has been. I have had struggles understanding my emotions towards my first serious girlfriend (are the emotions big enough, am I excited enough?), and I am not sure how ADHD influences my struggles.
So I ask you. In you most committed relationship(s):
1. Did you have an initial period of infatuation towards your partner?
2. Did you have trouble maintaining interest in the relationship after this feeling went away or never happened to begin with?
3. What was the feeling you experienced before deciding to get married? Is it anything like infatuation?
Any responses would be very helpful. Thank you!
- Thought diagnosis would make our marriage better, but I'm just so angry by: lenah 6 years 8 months ago
Hi everyone--new to this forum! My ADD husband and I have been together 5 years, married for 3, and a few months ago after a fight I realized from reading something online that my husband likely had ADD. Fast forward a few weeks to an evaluation and he scored 97% on the inattentiveness scale. He's trying meds and therapy, and yet it feels like things have gotten so much worse for us.
I have PTSD from childhood and chronic illness so I haven't been able to work in 2 years, right as he lost his job as an engineer for 15 months, and then hid credit card debt from me (he seems to think being a man means doing finances even though he's awful at planning). I felt like I had to be supportive during the unemployment, but as he got a new job I found out about the lies and the ADD and I'm so angry and realizing how much of our relationship problems come from his coping mechanisms, likely to deal with the ADD--especially the lying.
He appears meek to the outside world and I'm always the bad guy, but he tries to control everything about my life (my friends, career changes I'm trying to make so I can work again, etc) so that he feels like he's in control of something. He considers chores "a sacrifice" and assumes I'm not as capable as he is because I'm a woman (I have a PhD and am so sick of this attitude!). He spent his whole unemployment interrupting me every 15 minutes because he doesn't seem to be able to manage his time, a behavior he once referred to as codependent himself! (But then doesn't see why I'm angry after being trapped in a house for 15 months with him)
I'm just so angry. Every day is a fight about a stupid lie. I can't trust him at all, because some are stupid and little and some are huge like debt, and it's hard to know which. He's starting to use his ADD as an excuse for all of these coping mechanisms like lying or gaslighting me--it at best is an explanation, but you don't "get" to lie. We've made so many schedules and reminders, I've been reading ADHD books to try to understand and help, but I feel like there's so much built up anger and resentment on my part that there's really nothing left. That devastates him as he doesn't want to divorce, but I don't want the rest of my life to look like this.
Help!
--Lena
- Distorted Thinking by: gracieinnh 6 years 8 months ago
Guess I'll just lay it out. I told Shrink hubby had ADD in 1995 or sooner --he gave meds but never ever suggested any treatment - went to counselling which was a disaster because hubby looked like a the victim of a wife who just couldn't be happy with him. Meanwhile he was writing the great American Novel.
Fast forward - because we are running out of retirement $ which have been spent on his projects -- am insisting we go through this training.
He says:
You changed about 2 years ago
You're just unhappy with yourself
You'll never be satisfied with what I do, I'm doing more, I'm taking meds and now you're making me listen to this
You have to stop reading spiritual stuff : it's not working ( means I am asking him to take responsibility)
You are ruining this marriage
Meanwhile I am asked to Make him famous - dedicate all my time to promoting his products- do all the social media , SEO , and PR For HIM
meanwhile -- he's miffed because -- I don't follow all his directions ( get me on the Late night show ) He gives me these broad stroke directions that have no clear "to do" in them such as "Make more money"
He won't so much as : click accept on linkedin , look up a phone number ( that's your job as my pr person) check his phone messages -
Wow .. I am exhausted - because -- SEO is Very complicated - so is PR.
Help me please.
- Both Parties with ADHD...Has anyone survived? by: Ftaylor 6 years 8 months ago
Hi,
I'm new and am thrilled to have found a site with so many helpful resources and such valuable information! Please forgive my newbiness if this isn't the correct place to ask ... but most of the information I've seen so far relates to relationships between a person with ADHD and one without ADHD. Are there simply not very many relationships where both partners have ADHD or were there simply no survivors?
- I need help. Recently diagnosed and she wants me to leave by: Chardy 6 years 8 months ago
Sorry for the long post. And I don't know what forum post this in.
My wife an I have been together for 19 years. We have been through a lot together and built an amazing life so I thought. We have 3 wonderful kids, 14, 11 and 8 years old.
When we were pregnant with our first we gave up our partying ways. I got a steady job but also started playing computer games. The gaming took over my life. I'd come home from work and game. Weekends, game. I'd be grumpy if we had stuff on because that's mostly what I wanted to do. I looked after my family but still gaming was my focus. It made me feel good, I was exceptional at it and others told me so.
Fast forward. I was diagnosed with ADHD April 2017. I went on medication that helped me amazingly. I got an ADHD coach which I see every 6 weeks. I started to get my life together starting with work because that wasn't going so well. We decided to work on the gaming once I got certain frameworks in place.
On Xmas eve, my wife told me she's had enough and wanted me to move out. I've ignored her for so long and she's built up a strong circle of friends. Her needs are filled and she doesn't need me anymore. I don't say this lightly, this was easily the worst day of my life and I've had some pretty bad day's. I managed to convince her to let me stay. I was devastated and self worth is now zero.
I gave up gaming, happily! That led to another issue where because I had no outlet for my fatigue, no affirmations of how good I was and many hours available to me. I hyperfocussed on her and our relationship. Because she had built a life without me in it, I was alone. Whenever I tried to be part of it, I smothered her and undid any progress we made. We've had good days and I felt things were improving to be shot down days after. She doesn't like the idea of counselling but I've managed to get her to agree to see a marriage counsellor who has experience with ADHD next week.
But today she said that she doesn't even see me as a friend and there's little future for us. Ut then, not long after she said that she loves me.
You can only change yourself. I've given up gaming entirely. I've been doing Mindful meditation that has helped me to get a grip on these rollercoaster emotions. I've learned her love language "Acts of Service" and make sure I speak it whenever I can, at least once a day. I'm even giving her space which is very difficult for me. Still one minute we're OK but then we have no future. Her circle of friends are all in the middle of breakups, though for infidelity. I've never cheated. She's not willing to spend time with me for many reasons.
I love her. I've loved her since the day we met. I love all of her - flaws and strengths. She is funny and smart and a joy to be around. She completes me. I want to spend my life with her and always have.
Right now, it's 4am. I'm broken. No self esteem left. Emotions are overwhelming and the pain is indescribable. I have no friends or family to lean on. I'm trying to remedy this but this takes time too.
I'm looking for help. How can we repair our relationship? How can I repair what damage I've done? This is 100% my doing. I've ignored her for so long without realising, and now that I have some clarity I'm terrified it's too late
Again, sorry for the wall of text. Though it does feel good to get this all out.
- Advice Needed to be a Better ADHD Wife/Partner by: ADHDMomof2 6 years 8 months ago
It has been a very long time since I have posted. I keep making progress, but honestly, it is not nearly enough yet. My ADHD is quite severe. To give you the background, I have been gluten free for 5 years, take all the vitamins recommended for my ADHD, I exercise regularly, eat cleanly (no refined sugar, but plenty of veggies and protein), have figured out how to sleep better, have been meditating daily for 2.5 months, am quite organized at work. I take meds 3 times a day. I use Google Calendar. What I have accomplished above is a damn miracle. I know it. However, I am still struggling at home, and especially in my marriage, and I really need some sage advice.
My husband truly believes that if I cared about him, I could magically pull my shit together at home. Why wouldn't he? I will be running marathon number 2 soon, and I somehow am able to focus on this. I can do almost anything that interests me as interest produces dopamine. Like any person with ADHD, I find domestic responsibilities to be particularly challenging as they are endless, boring (this is an embarrassing truth as an ADHD woman), my schedule is packed with kid sports, and I still can't priotize at home. Unfolded laundry gives me anxiety, and I get overwhelmed and want to walk away. Substitute any boring task and I feel the same way, same reaction. My desk is immaculate at work and a hot mess at home. My husband feels like he has to manage me, constantly asking if I think other husbands do what he does. He reminds me, nags me, gets mad, we have one-sided discussions where he lectures me. The kids are affected by our fighting, too, and it makes all of us sad. We all love each other, but this is not good for anyone. I fear for the example we are setting. A housekeeper is out of the question. My husband helps, and I delegate to my kids when possible. My questions:
1.How can I make tasks more interesting so I actually follow through?
2. How do I prioritize tasks at home?
3. How do I avoid distractions?
4. How can I make my husband feel heard?
5. How can I avoid making the same mistakes on loop?
If it were that easy, I would have solved this years ago. I really want to change, and I have a solid track record of being able to tackle difficult things. I just have not see much success at home. My kids know they are loved, and I am a good Mom, but need to bring harmony and order to our home.
Thank you so much for your kind help, everyone! I really, really need it.
