For most of my marriage I gave sex to my H as a duty, as a commandment, as a prayer, as a hope in the future that if I gave what he needed and wanted, that eventually our family would complete the vision I had about marriage.  That H would come to appreciate and honor our marriage in love. What happened is this, that he was manipulative and his words were cutting and rash and sarcastic and facetious veiled in humor. Then when he got horny he would say I HAD to give him what he needed because men have urges that if a wife does not give him sex, it would be her fault if he got his needs met elsewhere.  He thought it was funny to say to me, " Absence makes the heart "wander"" just before he went out of town....meaning that I MUST give him sex to keep him satisfied and that it would be my fault if he was not true to our marriage out of town for a week. So I dutifully gave him what he wanted for the sake of the family.  During the act, it would be like he was faking, "acting", like a loving mate, over-solicitous and unlike his usual avoidant self. But before and after and daily, he was not committed to our family's well being and emotional health but rather committed to his own personal pleasure and potency.  His M.O. was to eke by, to "try to get away with" and to fly under the radar hoping no one saw him goofing off and laughing at the schmucks who worried about finances and commitments.  So, when I had sex with him, I felt alone.  It was icky.  In our marriage, I felt alone.  I was suspicious and I cried a lot for decades of marriage. I blamed myself and he blamed me. I always seemed to be crying and he always seemed to be giggling.

Growing up means to accept the good and the bad. Growing up means to not lie to yourself.  And I find this very hard to not lie to myself and to not hide from the truth around me.  So what does it look like to be a grown up in a holy union with someone who does not respect the union or me?  This is what I am working on.

Anyone have descriptions of a grown up successfully in a holy union with a defiant teenager?  Because, as I accept H is a entitled, manipulative teenager, I accept that I have been a weak, meek, obedient naive girl lacking in backbone, lacking in the voice and skills of a strong leader that my children (and I myself) could count on to make things safe and where common sense and strong family culture thrives. I am ashamed of my arrested development but am determined to grow up with all the urgency my advanced age burdens me with.  I was told by a very helpful counselor that MOST people never "grow up" and that I was ahead of the game already for trying, but I know I have a long way to go.  I am putting myself in the company of people who I admire, reading books, listening to audio about and by people I admire and searching out communities where grown-up conversations are the norm.  Removing myself from inane foolish trash talk or doomsday robotic recitations masquerading as religion in my head.

I am seeing that lying, cussing, erotism and cheating is seeping into acceptance in our country's culture and I don't want to contribute to the lowering of standards. I want to be strong enough to not obey the flow of this ethical erosion that I sense in my family and in the world.  So I am working on finding new strength that I did not display in the past.  I always thought fighting was bad.  Now I am realizing that to be strong, sometimes you must fight. .....this goes against my upbringing.  I am working on this war inside myself so I can stand strong somehow.

I am seriously considering how to cope, how to be stronger, but angry that his moodiness most weekends, lately, because I am not listening, because he wants to talk about something with a lot of detail in it and wants me to get it properly and this is usually when we are out and about, the supermarket car park as we are walking towards the shop doors, or when my dog was being extremely restless in a pub, going near the fire, walking off, or about to jump up on the pub's sofa, I get accused of not wanting to listen to him.  This also is a cheek because he doesn't actively listen to me or ask me any questions further from my one sentences I can only get in, so of course I don't really want to give him time probably deep down, BUT, I think I do when I am relaxed, plenty of times, always listening to him ranting on about some fact or another.  He justs also wants to talk in the most inappropriate times, like first first thing in the morning upon waking up is always a killer and ruins the whole day if not the whole weekend as he feels he shouldn't apologise.  I don't want to live this way, I hate it.  When he doesn't listen to me or cuts me off, I usually don't worry about it if it was an inappropriate time.

Hello, this is the first time I posted on here and I think my marriage is at the most critical point right now, the tipping point, and I am unsure of which way it will fall.

I met Alan over 15 years ago and instantly fancied him, he was married at that time and we became good friends. 8 years ago we started dating (his first marriage lasted 10 months). It was a period of intense passion and excitement, we were both so happy and believed we were meant to be together as everything was so perfect! We moved in together 8/9 months later (earlier then planned as Al left his job of 10 years and could not pay rent on his flat). It was the first, and only, partner I had lived with and I struggled to adjust. Alan was also very messy and I expressed how I was concerned it may come between us,  but he promised to improve. As time passed, issued started to arise for both of us. Alan could not understand why I was so unhappy and irritated with feeling unloved, unwanted and living among what I though was chaos! My anxieties, frustration and desperation led to us having heated arguments. Al said it was all me; I needed to change how I thought about things and that something was seriously wrong with me. I had always struggled with depression and my emotions, but often put this down to circumstances and/or my disruptive and unsettled childhood. Al had a few different jobs but ill physical health led him to be off work sick for over 2 years. My emotions and behaviors worsened, worrying about money (I ended up bankrupt) and our relationship - Al was so angry at me all the time, and I sought help with my mental health. I ended up diagnosed with BPD, at that time my therapist told me that I only just met the diagnostic criteria and with DBT/STEPPS program I should be able to manage and control my thoughts and behaviors.

During the time Alan was off work and having quite a few interactions with health professionals, he was labeled as being aggressive and angry by some of them and I encouraged him to seek help. This led to his diagnosis of ADHD & ASD traits, approximately 12/14 months ago. He started Matoride XL and saw the psychiatrist every 2-5 months. We were both hopeful that this would help him. ADHD started to make a lot of sense as part of Al was "different", which we saw as a positive. However our relationship did not improve. We have been married now for 3.5 years and still love each other deeply. 6 months ago I started reading more about adult ADHD as I truly believed our problems; a messy chaotic house/poor split of chores, intense anger outbursts and me feeling like his lowest priority and his Mother - were not just related to my emotional issues but his too. I disputed what Al kept telling me - that I needed to control my BPD, I was angry and "emotionally unavailable" to him and he was thinking our marriage was close to ending due to this and the lack of intimacy and sex - I believed I had undertaken so much therapy, had good awareness of myself and truly had my BPD under control most of the time, I needed to find out why nothing was changing (my CPN agreed and said I no longer come close to diagnostic criteria of BPD). I found the ADDitude website an started reading..... and reading more. I finished 'the ADHD Effect on Marriage' and 'Couples Guide to thriving with ADHD' - light bulbs lit up and everything fit; this was us, our marriage, just how I was feeling. More importantly it gave me hope, understanding for my husband and reignited faith that we could grow old together, happy, as we planned. I also bought and read 'Focusing Forward; navigating the storms of adult ADHD' and thought this maybe a good way for Al to learn and understand his ADHD more. Things were improving, although after reading a few chapters of 'couples guide to thriving....' he stopped reading anything and this was month ago now.

Alan was still in denial about how his ADHD behaviors were impacting so much on us and continued to tell me how I needed to change, including loosing weight, being more sexual, showing more love for him etc. Our arguments got worse and I felt he became more personal, telling me he hated me and that I was a retard for not understanding. Friends were starting to tell me his behaviors and words were emotionally abusive, but I know that is not Al and was not intended. Neither of us could handle the intensity of our arguments anymore, hurting each other so much. I left the home over 3 weeks ago. Using my newly found understanding and patience, I tried to talk to Alan about what I had been reading about ADHD impacted marriages and that my health was more stable and managed. At this point (a week after I left) and for the first time, Al agreed with much of what I said and acknowledged how his current job (full time, night shift work) was impacting on us, as well as his relationship with his daughter (my step daughter,13yrs old,she stays every other weekend). The time he recently has spent with us he is exhausted, if not asleep, and appears disinterested - often playing computer games alone. However he continues to 'through himself into work', hyperfocused on this priority.

Since I left 3 weeks ago, we have had one date night and met twice for a few hours of talking. Al acknowledged the basis of our issues "come from him" and he "wants us to be fixed" but he doesn't know how. I am concerned he is so depressed and sleep deprived right now, that he is unable to focus on making the changes and efforts we both need to do. He said I can come to his next psychiatrist appointment in a few weeks which I think is positive, but I'm aware it is his consultation and I don't want to 'interfere' too much, but want Al to be more honest with his health professional (he agrees he needs to be now). I feel I am armed with all this new information and knowledge empowering me, but can't move forward as Al will still not read this information. Al takes his meds when on night shift, but rarely or randomly on his days off. I'm scared to move home as I believe if we are not working together then we will fail, I have finally accepted I cannot do this alone. But I cannot afford to pay towards our home and/or stay away and the additional costs this is occurring for me. In the weeks we've been apart, he has rarely initiated contact and cut our date night out short, to get some weed. I'm stuck between wanting to let him know that I love him, want him, accept and support him, but that he needs to engage with treatment. I can no longer be his PA and Mother and know this isn't helping him in the long run either. I don't want to stay away from our home, or my husband, for too long and recognize this maybe triggering some of my filters too.

I do not know what else to do. We are both so fragile and one more angry argument may be the end of our marriage. Previously we have seen a marriage counselor twice, both for only one session as Alan didn't want to go back. He has recently said he will try gain but I am hesitant as there aren't any specialist ADHD marriage counselors  around and there is  lack of understanding of adult ADHD in the UK. There is no other therapy or treatment support for him either. I worry that all the time he continues work at the level he is, he is fatigued chronically and not giving himself time to process his thoughts and feelings, probably avoidance, but I do realize that I cannot control the decisions and choices he makes.

I don't want to end without acknowledging how my emotions and reactions impact us too, I won't deny Alan how this must have made him feel. With all the reading and talking to my CPN I have been doing, I am starting to think that my BPD diagnosis is wrong and maybe I have ADHD too instead!?! I don't want my husband and/or myself to look back on a broken marriage and think "if only i'd tried this, or that". I want us to learn how to be all we can be again, together. I am 38 and Al is 39 years old. Alan is without doubt the most loving, caring, imaginative, creative and amazing person I have ever known. An ultimate jekyl & hyde tho.

Any advice or suggestions are most welcome. Thank you for reading.

This is my first time posting, but I have been visiting this site for about a year.  My husband stopped taking his ADD medicine several months ago.  He also has sleep apnea and won't use his equipment at night.  According to him, both these things are my fault.  He also tells me I'm the reason he lies.  Things have been horrible lately, especially when it comes to our kids.  They don't see his constant lies and I'm the "mean and bad" parent because I ask them to do chores.  In front of me, he tells both kids (11 and 14) that they don't need to do what I ask and that I should do it myself.  Last night was the second time my daughter has accused me of stealing cash from her purse.  She told me she's missing $10 and wanted to know where it is.  When I ask my husband to tell her that of course I didn't steal her money, he tells our daughter that he doesn't know if I am the thief.  The thing is, my husband will take cash from me without saying anything.  I am guessing he needed cash and "borrowed" it from her and is blaming me.  Our house is so full of tension and I don't think I can live here much longer.  I spend evenings alone in my bedroom while husband and kids watch tv downstairs.  I thought i could stick it out until our youngest graduates from high school, but the situation with my kids is breaking my heart.  I've asked for a divorce but he says he'll spend every penny we have fighting me and that the kids will want to live with him.  I know that is true--he's the fun parent and I'm the one that takes care of everything else.