Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Just took a 2 week vacation with H and saw his many angry mood swings! by: Anonymous (not verified) 6 years 8 months ago

    We went to New Zealand to visit my best friend for 2 weeks and got back two days ago. I had my fears about this trip knowing how H can get irritated very easily and doesn't like doing a lot of things or being around a lot of people. Seeing as how it was my best friend and her husband I felt he would keep everything under control, but I was wrong. Everything was great from the Tuesday we got there through that Saturday. Saturday we had his 50th birthday party, which he loved. He had asked the guy who we were staying with if we could go back to the beach to try surfing again and he said sure and sent out a message to some other guys that Saturday that we'd head to the beach on Sunday. Well, H gets up Sunday morning and is tired and goes back to bed about 10AM and I join him for a bit. My friend knocks on the door at noon and says we're leaving in an hour. This is apparently news to H who rolls his eyes because he just wants to sleep. He's all grumpy and pissy in the car, but when he sees the beach he is okay again. He then gets his second wind when we get home and is all loud and happy and popping open beers and when we get tired and want to go to bed he can't understand why we don't want to stay up. Monday we fly to Queenstown. H is all happy even with having to get up early. The flight is fine, he's happy in the airport, happy in the rental car, happy when we get to our Air BnB, happy when we start walking down to the center of town which is only 2 blocks away. But within 15 minutes he is getting crabby telling me that his neck hurts. He starts getting snippy with me and my friend and says he needs to go to the pharmacy to get some pain killers. Is rude to the person behind the counter. We start walking again and he says the place is way too touristy. We get something to eat and he takes his pain killers and he's fine again for about an hour. We start driving around the outside of town up a mountain to get a view. H is clearly pissed off because of whatever pain he's got. I finally say that we need to get him back because he isn't feeling well. We stop at a grocery store first which I know is going to piss him off but they want to get some food for later. He follows me around the store because I am walking straight to the beer cooler because I know he'll want some. He hasn't said a word to me and I say "What beer do you want?" and he snaps back "All I want to do is go back and lay down. I'm feeling nauseous". I say "Here's that beer you've been drinking" and he goes "I don't even like that beer. It all tastes like shit here". Then after a few minutes he goes back to that same beer and gets all irritated "Well since they don't have a 12 pack I guess I'll have to get two 6 packs". You JUST said you didn't like that beer but now you want a 12 pack of it?? We get him back and he tries to be all lovey with me saying to go out with them and have a good time.

    So we go out and are gone for nearly 4 hours. All I can think is he's either going to be sleeping when we get back or he's going to be totally pissed we were gone that long. On top of that he told me to leave the card so he could walk down and get groceries and cook dinner. Well we could have got them at the store when we were there but you were so flipping angry that I didn't even dare ask. I thought for sure he wouldn't get groceries and my friend said to just grab some Indian food to bring back but I said no, that he was going to cook dinner and I figured he'd probably be pissed if we brought back food when he said he was going to cook but yet not knowing if he was even going to go to the store in the first place so I'm all nervous about what we'll find. We walk in and he seems to be all chipper again. My friend asks how he feels and he says "Great". Then I say "Well that's good" which was apparently the absolutely wrong thing to say. He looks at me and goes "Wow, if that isn't sarcastic I don't know what is. Could you be more passive aggressive?". I simply said those three words and he blew up! I am on the verge of tears and he starts saying to my friend "See that look on her face. All I want to see is a smiling face when I feel like crap and I get that". I go into the bathroom and try to keep the tears from falling. I then come out and try to make up for something I didn't even do other than say I'm glad he feels better and try to give him a kiss and he pulls away and says "Your breath stinks, go brush your teeth." I brush my teeth and come out and give him a kiss again and he turns his head. Then he's sweet to the other couple but extremely rude to me for the rest of the night and next morning. We opted to stay in that night because we were tired even though H suggested going out. He doesn't touch me at all in bed and wakes up at 3AM and starts reading and I'm awake too because bar time is apparently 4AM and we can hear music thumping.  He says to me "We could have been out having a good time tonight but nobody wanted to go out so instead we sat in and went to bed early. It's a shame we aren't taking advantage of this". Hey we were out for 4 hours while your pissy self was back at the room sleeping because you felt shitty. Plus, you bitched earlier in the day that the place had too many people and was too touristy and now you're saying you're upset because we didn't go out!

    The next morning we go for breakfast and sit in one of those curved booths but he sits on the opposite side of me rather than next to me. He says to me when I can't finish my breakfast "What, you aren't eating everything. You always finish your food. You like to eat". Shut the fuck up! Then we take this gondola ride up a mountain and take a luge down. Huge mood shift once we are on that and he's all lovey with me again because we are doing something he wants to do. He's fine the rest of the afternoon. Our friends went on a lake cruise but we stayed in town and went to the bars because he would have been pissed off taking a cruise. We meet them at the boat dock at 4:30 when they are done and go have a drink. He's in a great mood. We then walk over to another area and he wants to go play pool and have something to eat at the pool hall. My friend goes "It's a little early to play pool, isn't it?" She then wants to go next door and grab some apps. We go over there for no more than 45 minutes and H is bitching to me that it's like Red Robin with kids playing on the floor and loud people. We then go next door to the pool hall and get a table and some drinks. He's still bitching to me at the bar saying "We could have been here for the past hour doing adult stuff and having fun but instead had to sit in that ridiculous restaurant". He's like literally angry for the first 15 minutes we're there because the other couple didn't look like they were having fun! Then he lightened up and was fine. We went back to the room about 10:30 and he was a bit miffed that we were already calling it a night but got over that.

     Wednesday we flew back to Auckland and he was irritable at the airport but was fine on the car ride back home and got all amped again by the time we got home and was in a good mood. Thursday the shit hit the fan again. He was tired and just wanted to stay home that day. Our friends kept insisting that they wanted to take us into the city but I knew he didn't want to so I said we'd just stay home. He was up in the room reading about 10AM and then came back down and was talking to my friend very loudly while her husband was on the phone. Her husband lost it and said "Hey I'm on the fucking phone" and walked into the other room. H took that very personally and went back upstairs and slammed the door. I go up and see how he's doing and he  goes "Now I know why he wanted to take us into the city, he wants us gone permanently. Well that's fine. I'd leave right now, but my clothes are in the washer". Jesus! You were talking loud, you always talk loud, and he was upset about it, but I'm glad you turned that into he wants us to leave and never come back!  He says to me "I'm hungry but I'm not going ot go down and make anything now. I'm going to walk over to McDonalds and get that cheeseburger that I've been wanting". So I go with him. He doesn't say a word to anyone when we leave and I'm nearly in tears again wondering how this is going to end. We start walking and he's an ass to me but quickly starts being nice and saying how I think we're overstaying our welcome and how we need to stay out of their hair for a few hours. He seems fine when we get back and talks to both of them, but then starts getting irritated again because of his neck and even when a guest comes over for a bit he only stays down there for 10 minutes before disappearing to the bedroom. They leave and my friend and I walk over to the mall. The whole time I"m thinking that he's going to be pissed we went without him or something. However he gets up just as we are walking through the door back home. Once again he is in a good mood. Everything is roses. The husband says we can head over to a brewery for dinner and H is all "Sounds great. Is it low key?" and the guy says it is and H gets all happy again. He's in a good mood all night and we hit a couple of other bars and he's in a good mood.

    Friday they still want to take us to the city and H rolls his eyes because he doesn't want to go and I tell him that it's our last day and lets just do this without issue. He is pointing out stuff to us and H is rolling his eyes at me and is getting tired of getting in and out of the car to look at stuff. He is getting hungry so he is getting agitated and mentions how he wants a cheeseburger from McDonald's, but he never got one the day before because he couldn't fine the McDonald's on our walk. The guy says there's one up ahead but parks far from it. We end up going to this pizza place because that's what my friend wanted and H is all pissed because we're having pizza when he wanted McDonald's. That night we go to their friends' place for dinner and he seems pissy for a while but then loosens up. We get home and go to bed and get up early for the airport the next day. Nope, he's still not done being pissed. He just wanted my friend to drop us off but she came in with us and showed us where to go. He's getting all upset because she's trying to figure out what line for us to go in and he just walks ahead of her and goes the wrong way which pisses him off even more. He's still upset about having to listen to the pop station on the radio the whole time too and is about to tear his hair out from that. She comes upstairs with us and has coffee with us while we wait. H seems to finally calm down. The plane ride was fine until about the last hour and H started complaining of everything hurting again and feeling grubby and being tired. Hey guess what? Everyone else on this plane feels the same way. I don't know why you think you are the only one! He's irritated while waiting for our bags, irritated waiting for our passport check, irritated driving home.  Finally we get home and after him sighing and moaning several times, he calms down and is happy again.

    And that is why I never want to take a long vacation with him ever again! Especially not with people I know! And we get home and I tell him about how he had so many mood changes and he totally downplays it and says "I had a blast. The only time I got a little irritated was when the guy told me he was on the fucking phone and then again when my neck hurt in Queenstown". A LITTLE irritated??!!" He doesn't see him getting downright pissed off then and all those other times.

  • Coping with High Achieving ADD/ADHD Spouse by: balltobe 6 years 8 months ago

    This is my first time posting.  This site seems like a lifeline right now.  I don’t have anyone else in my life that understands what it’s like to be married to someone affected by this disorder.  

    My husband is able to “hyper focus” and has achieved considerable educational and professional success as a doctor.  But when he’s not working he wants to “turn off his brain” and be free from responsibility or the drudgery of everyday life.  He just wants things to be “easy,” “light,” and “fun.”  He feels as though he’s earned this right because of how hard he works and how much money he makes (the money part is new—we’ve been together almost 15 years and I’ve financially supported us through most of that time while he was in school and training).  I try to take what I can off of his plate (but I work full time as well), and hire help to make up for his absenteeism (of the mental and physical variety).  But it’s a lonely existence, and the difficulties have compounded since our first child was born last year.  Deep down he knows he has ADD/ADHD, and he takes RX meds to help him focus at work (and downers so he can sleep at night after taking those uppers, so I’m on baby duty all night every night).  Has never been to a psychiatrist or therapist for treatment.  But because society sees him as this super smart, successful doctor, he feels like doesn’t really have a problem.  I’m having trouble getting through to him, and I hate how this situation makes him view me as a needy, nagging, Debbie Downer.  I’m afraid we aren’t going to make it.

    Any words of advice?

     

  • Can we discuss when the nonADHD spouse withdraws instead of nagging? by: Brindle 6 years 8 months ago

    Almost every book and article I've read mentions how most nonADHD spouses get into the habit of nagging and criticizing, etc.  In our house, that didn't happen.  When I would ask for him to take something on or to help, he would get so angry, even though I was only asking.  Very often, that very first request would elicit the "stop nagging me" accusation, even though it was the first request.  And I wanted to avoid his anger so much that I didn't ask anymore.  Plus, he didn't get angry and then change later.  He just got angry.  Eventually we stopped talking about much of anything concerning the family.  I've just always run the house and the family, and he seems to like it that way.  

    But no one talks about what changes to make when the nonADHD spouse withdraws.  That's clearly me.  I know it probably isn't a good coping method, either.  (For one, I enabled him to just keep avoiding doing anything he didn't want to do besides go to work and do his hobbies.  And for two, I have to somehow be ok with him not being happy.)  

    So... can we discuss this?  Am I in some tiny minority?  

  • Amen Clinic by: hummingbird12 6 years 8 months ago

    Does anyone have any experience with the Amen Clinic?

  • Two questions: 1) extensive holes in memory, 2) extremes by: Brindle 6 years 8 months ago

    Hello to all.  I've been reading the site for several weeks.  What incredible validation (!!!) as I have read so many stories.  I'm so glad this site is here!

    I'm the nonADHD spouse.  My husband hasn't been officially diagnosed, but after our kids were diagnosed... well, you know how that story goes.  Right now he's supposed to be reading about ADHD at my request, to see if he can see himself.  It fits so much of our life that I sat there with my mouth open, experiencing epiphany after epiphany!   And yet of course, there are the various things that aren't ADHD, but are his own personal sets of issues that complicate things.  He is his own unique person.  Yet, reading here, I can see that he isn't the only one who has many of these extra issues.  (Your posts have all kept me sane lately!  When I feel down and mentally clouded about things, I come here to read, and voila -!  Clarity again.)  

    The first few years, I tried getting him to do things, to be a help with anything... the kids, an occasional chore...  That never worked.  So I eventually gave up, and then I only focused on trying to get him to pay attention to me and the kids.  I finally quit trying.  It took awhile, but he eventually noticed that I wasn't trying anymore.  And now he says he is willing to put in the work that is needed.  Eh, I'm not getting my hopes up, because there's more than ADHD at play here.   Instead, I'm trying to figure out how to live with him in this mostly empty relationship.  If one day it gets better, then great, but no matter how long it takes or doesn't take, I have to reclaim my peace and my emotional health.  

    One thing I am wondering - do your ADHD spouses have almost no recollection of major parts of your lives together?  Significant parts?  He can't remember our older children's small years at all.  He remembers none of the times (plural!) where we almost divorced.   How does he not remember telling me that he was longer in love with me?  How does he not remember how the separation came to be when we were separated?  I could go on and on.  It's all stuff that I don't understand how anyone, ADHD or not, could forget.  The only things he can really remember with much clarity are related to his career, almost without exception, though there are a few.    

    Oh, and do they go to extremes when they are upset?  Like, he had one of his own birthdays not go as he had hoped, so he told me that he's never celebrating another special day of any kind ever again.  Or one of the kids will do something small that he finds upsetting, so he says, "You're grounded for a two months!"  

    ~Brin

  • ADHD Spouse on Probation by: Steve04 6 years 8 months ago

    Hello,

    How have others overcome the ADHD spouse feeling like the non-ADHD spouse is putting them on probation?  My ADHD wife keeps saying it feels like that, which makes me feel horrible, but I'm also exhausted with the clutter, forgetfullness, lack of responsibility and mistakes (many that cost us financially).  We've been married 17 years and have two sons ages 14 and 16. It kills me to think of breaking up the family over forgetfullness or household clutter. I feel my kids will blame me.

    Last week she and I had a great discussion about how her ADHD is affecting me. She seemed uncharacteristically receptive...until yesterday. We were actually listening to Melissa's book and discussing some stuff in it, when it started to sink in for her how serious this was. It's been horrible since then. She's willing to see a counselor, but she said she can't keep living feeling like she's on probation, that I want to fix her and that one more mistake might end it. I agreed with her that it's not fair for her to have to live like that. Feeling pretty hopeless.

  • :) by: jennalemone 6 years 8 months ago
  • If this isn't ADD I'll eat my hat. by: CaliforniaGirl 6 years 8 months ago

    You all know from my previous posts what a mess my ex's life is and that it's been that way for a very long time. 

    Well I just found out that he bought the new girlfriend a diamond solitaire ring that she is now sporting on her left ring finger.  

    Yet he is telling his family oh, we're not engaged.. it's just a gift...

    Just two months ago he told his son and daughter in law that he didn't want to introduce this woman to them because he wasn't sure it would last and that he didn't want to be tied down to anything. 

    Then he spontaneously buys her a diamond solitaire.  Which, as you all know, has a lot of implications as far as society and everyone else is concerned... but to him it didn't register as anything more than "just a gift".

    To recap:   He is not divorced.  He has been unable to find and keep steady employment.   He has next to nothing in the way of money saved.   His house is falling apart and full of junk.   He and this woman live about two hours away from each other and they have only known each other for a whopping 8 months.   

    Additionally I was told by his family that he was at a point where he was going to have to start selling things off in order to pay the mortgage.    So my guess is he put this ring on credit somehow and will just never pay it.   

    As you all know, ADD was never an official diagnosis in our case but from where I sit that is a gesture just screams of impulsivity and absolutely no thought at all to ramifications of a gift like that or to the bigger picture.

    I am not so much hurt or upset that it's not me wearing the diamond because we all know the absolute madness that I endured during my 5 years with him, including the screaming temper tantrums and other verbal abuse.  Plus I have several thousand dollars worth of jewelry from Tiffany's and items from Louis Vuitton that he gave me... so clearly big ticket items don't register to him as to how appropriate or wise they may or may not be... 

    ....but I am flabbergasted at so many other things that I don't even know where to begin.   The over-the-top naivete around a gift like that, the fact that he is probably very unaware of what this likely means to HER, and the fact that once again he did something like this while the house, that he is barely hanging on to, still needs a new roof and has no heat.   I am also thinking about his children, who I am still close to and who have to deal with the emotional fallout of all of this erratic behavior.  One of the kids even still lives in the house that he seems to be on the verge of losing.  Ugh.

    I honestly didn't think anything else he did could shock me ...but apparently I was wrong. 

    Thanks for listening. 

  • I need a pep talk by: dvance 6 years 8 months ago

    Guys, I need a pep talk.  My unmedicated ADHD husband was fired from his third job in 6 years on December 29.  We have yet to receive any unemployment despite the state saying it's coming and receiving many letters to that affect.  To his credit he has taken many side jobs and we are not in too bad a shape financially, but we will be if the unemployment does not come through.  He has had two interviews with a good company and it sounds like they may make an offer early next week.  The problem is I don't want to get my hopes up because I only hear his side of the story and we all know how unreliable an ADHD narrative can be.  We also have to move out of our apartment because it sold and the new owners are not renewing leases.  We have until September, so no great rush, but I love our place-we have been here 8 years and there would be no reason to move if not for the sale.  DH found a house for rent in our budget.  3 car garage, full basement with a workshop.  He wants to go look at it.  I do not want a house.  At all.  Our kids are 16 and 18 and they have never lived in a house.  If we were going that route, we should have done it when they were little and could play in a back yard.  Little late now with the older one going to college in the fall.  All I can see is the garage and the basement filled with his crap.  As it is I pay $180 a month for a storage locker that I know is packed with his stuff.  But this way I don't have to look at it.  The space around our two cars in our garage in the building is also loaded with his crap, which is embarrassing.  When we move that will not happen again.  If he gets this new job, it includes travel, which he has done before, but in an apartment.  I don't want to be alone in a house.  We have always lived in busy urban-ish areas with lots to walk to.  I can easily come home from work on a Friday and not drive again until Monday to go back to work.  I love that.  This house isn't by anything walkable.  Also, he and the 16 year old are going to Peru for 10 days in March.  This trip was paid for with his bonus way last year, so the money part is not an issue.  What is an issue is I specifically wanted him to schedule it over the child's spring break so he wouldn't miss school.  He's not the greatest student, he needs to be in school.  But no, DH has him missing four days of school.  Who do you think is going to make sure his teachers know and he gets his missed work done?  That would be me.  The oldest child is 18, graduated last year, is taking a gap year.  He is supposed to be working full time.  So far that has not happened.  His friends are talking about taking a 10 day road trip.  Rather than DH telling him flat out no, he tells him-get more details, we'll discuss it.  How about NO.  This child owes me $300 for car insurance.  He has no business taking a 10 day road trip anywhere with anyone.  All of these things are on my mind.  I feel like I am the only sane person in my house.  Nobody thinks clearly.  Both DH and the oldest son (also ADHD) think they are all cute and quirky.  Example: I am missing two bowls from our daily dishware.  They were in the 18 year old's car.  He was running late (big shock) and took bowls of cereal in the car with him.  WHO DOES THIS?  You don't take glass bowls in the car.  He does this with coffee mugs too despite the fact that we have like 10 travel mugs in the house.  And he laughs and thinks is funny.  Being scattered and disorganized and having weird behaviors is not cute.  It's exhausting to live with, exhausting to try to put some order or structure in place.  I am in a crummy place right now.  I can usually keep myself mentally separate and pretty steady, but lately all of this chaos and uncertainty are getting to me.  I am overeating at night like crazy and waking up feeling like crap.  I had a major back surgery in December and have 15 pounds to lose now that I can move pain free.  I should be walking and swimming but have no motivation at all.  

    I know all of you know how I feel.  I do not think my stuff is any worse than anyone else's.  I am just venting and whining.  The mood will pass, I know.  Sometimes it all seems like SO. MUCH. EFFORT.  just to keep things moving even the least bit smoothly, you know?  Like I am paddling furiously and just barely keeping my head above water.

    Say something helpful...

  • Rejection Sensitivity Disorder and ADHD by: km7821 6 years 8 months ago

    My husband has been diagnosed with ADHD, is 60 & agrees he may have it, but will not medicate.  Our marriage of 28yrs has always been a struggle due to his ADHD.  Last year he betrayed me by cheating on me online.  I was devastated  and did not understand his behavior at all.  It was way out of character for him.  We have been going thru counseling and he said he felt I did not love him any longer.  I know at the time I was requesting more of him in the relationship and he felt rejected.  I recently have been reading about RSD and ADHD.  I now know my husband was experiencing the effects of this disorder and that is why he cheated.  However, I do not feel I can approach him about this because whenever I try and talk about the ADHD he says I am just trying to find things wrong with him.  I am attending Al-anon and trying to stay in my lane.  How do I have a relationship with someone who is so sensitive?

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