Hi guys!

Thanks for all the contributions on this forum - I've found it really useful.  I'm new to this.  I hope it's okay to post here, as my situation is different.  My boyfriend doesn't have a formal diagnosis of ADHD (though I think he has it and dual diagnosis is common), but does have formal diagnoses of Asperger's.  He's learned lots of social masking so it's really the things that are more ADHD type features that are affecting us.  We  haven't even been together that long (5 months), but it's been super, super intense.  It's flattered and freaked me out in equal measure!  It's been quite an experience with lots of grand gestures!  I think this it's related to hyperfocus.  I feel kinda smothered a lot of the time.  He also talks about us getting married and having children everyday.  I'm trying not to let it freak me out;  It's still a bit intense though.

I can see that he is trying very hard.    

I also worry about if we had a family, whether I could manage as I already find it a bit stressful that he is leaning on me to do all the organisational stuff.  Because he does things in a hurried way and doesn't pay attention to detail he can make mistakes.  So this can be as simple as re-washing dishes he has done to redirecting emails he's copied me into to the right places.   His impulsiveness means that he often just buys us tickets without thinking about whether I'm around or have something on or whether it's something I want to do, but I do appreciate the gesture so will often try and just go along with it.  

For all these troubles (and to be honest there's more), there is something intangible that makes me think he's lovely.  And I know it's not a reason to marry a person, but I've met his parents and love them and it seems mutual.  I have so much admiration for his mother - because of her, despite all that life's thrown at him, he is the man he is today.  The same childishness that frustrates me also makes him quite transparent.  He actually has made a lot of changes since I told him I'd never be able to live that chaotic life and I can see that he's trying so hard.  I suppose I do worry that he'll stop trying once he puts a ring on it (how long can you try hard at something that doesn't come naturally), and that life to me would be a nightmare.  I know things I take for granted are massive effort for him.  In fact, one of the things I admire about him is all the things he's achieved in spite of his challenges.  So I know he's hard working (a trait I always appreciate), has much determination (which I think is essential in making a marriage work) and has the sticking power to see through difficult situations.  

How have you all managed to get past all the wasted money, impulsive purchases, parking tickets, forgetfulness, lateness, lack of planning etc?  I feel like I could manage with a lot of these things, but the money (and parking tickets) and chores would be real challenges...have your spouses changed with time?

*oh and just as an aside, I know I've kinda talked about the negative things, but he's also kind, generous, honest, hard working, determined, loving, principled and caring.  He's a very sweet man.

Hello, I am the Non- ADHD spouse of an adult diagnosed ADHD husband.  He is now taking meds which is helping but I can't shake the anger and frustration that has built up previously to treatment.  We have recently set up some boundries and he is doing well following them.  Our issues were many, drinking, video games, addictive tendencies to everything- caffiene, nicotine, thankfully no hard drugs though, and crazy sleep schedules.  He quit drinking 6 months ago and that has helped immensly.  The newest most raw issue is that lack of time together.  I work full time and go to school, he is in the military and goes to school full time.  When he gets down time he wants to play video games or retreat to his office instead of spending time with our son (12) and me.  Also, he has recently started coming to bed at like 4am every morning which has completely devestated out love life.  Our newest plan was for him to set a timer and come to bed at midnight.  He is very open to change so I am thankful for that but I hate that he needs all these rules to make me feel like he loves me.  Am I going crazy or being too needy?  

I have read Dr. Orlov's book and have started having learning converstaions (first one yesterday) and will continue to do that.  Any other suggestions to bridge the gap between us?

Ok, I am reaching out to get some feedback on a problem in our marriage which is huge and getting bigger by the day.  One for which I see no solution.  MY DH and I have been successfully working on a lot of issues, but this one seems hopeless to me and I sometimes feel like I should just move out if we can't fix it.  So, as I'm sure most of you know, people with ADHD often have a myriad of sensory issues as well, much like someone on the autism spectrum.  My ADHD daughter was sensitive to touch and texture and getting her dressed in the morning when she was young was Hell.  My husband, on the other hand, is very sensitive to tone of voice and volume.  He literally cannot stand loud voices or intensity in communication.  He feels "assaulted" and overwhelmed virtually every time I open my mouth to speak, because (surprise, surprise) I am naturally one of the loudest speakers you will ever meet.  My voice is clear and loud and it PROJECTS.  To top it off, I am extremely emotional and the more excited I get, the louder and more "animated" I get.  All of this literally sets my husband's teeth on edge.  It has gotten to be such a sore subject that the minute I hear him say "Honey, take it down a notch.  You're bellowing!", I get very very angry.  I am not bellowing, I am just talking!!!  I tell him that and he says that either way I am too loud and he can't stand it.  He wants to hear what I have to say, but my delivery is all wrong for his sensory system.  If I have to watch every word that comes out of my mouth for fear of hurting his ears, setting his teeth on edge, and making him anxious, then I might as well not talk at all.  My entire family of origin are loud, expressive, emotional talkers (Celtic/Irish ancestry) and I LOVE being around them.  We have fun and we keep things interesting, but in my own home, my speaking voice is like nails on a chalkboard to my sensitive spouse.  When we visit my family, just when things are getting really fun and interesting to me, my husband usually slips out the back door quietly and goes to the barn alone to decompress.  He will pace around the tractors and tiller and bushog and piles of detritus and the empty stalls for about 45 minutes before coming back inside. When I look up and see him heading out the door, I know to just let him go because he needs to get away from the very energetic dynamic in my family's home.  But, in our own home, he can't escape 24/7 and I can't muzzle myself and I am really not sure where on earth to go from here.  Although he is very hyper and physically energetic himself, he is easily overwhelmed by any show of emotional expression at all and feels "assaulted" by it.  That is the word he actually uses.  So, in a  nutshell, my normal speaking voice feels like an assault to my husband almost every time I speak.  What on earth are we supposed to do about that??????  I have actually asked him why he ever married me in the first place, and he says "You weren't always this loud", which isn't true.  I have finally figured it out, though.  As we have aged and he has advanced in his career with more responsibility, more stress, and more accountability, he has become more exhausted, more anxious, and more drained.  You've heard the saying "I gave at the office"--well, in his case, truer words were never spoken.  He uses every bit of stamina he has to keep his job and when he gets home, he is drained and has nothing left.  When he was younger and we were dating and first married, work life was more relaxed and he wasn't using up all his strength to control his symptoms.  He thinks I have gotten louder, but what is true is that as his life has gotten more "adult" and he is depleted by it, he is noticing my tone of voice in a way he never did before.  This started about 3 years ago, just when his career really took a leap.  Life was actually easier at home when he got laid off in 2009 and he took a job outdoors and got to run around in the woods all day.  He took a huge pay cut, but was happy as a lark--totally in his element.  I am happy and proud that he is successful, but have no idea what to do about this issue it creates at home.  Maybe I should learn sign language--LOL.  Is there anybody else here who can relate to this at all?  I have  never seen a single post about this and I feel really alone and stuck in a lose-lose situation here.

Facing the truth can be a very hard thing at times...Especially in our marriages...90% of our marriage issues (conflict) really has nothing to do w/ add/adhd...Not now anyway that I've learned more about it....But It has everything to do with commitment....My wife has never taken on the responsibilities of a wife...She is a victim about most every thing that relates to her role as a wife....I've spent the better part of 10 years asking her if she is ever going to invest in our marriage...It is a hard thing to share in a loving martial relationship like I had for 30 years (1st marriage)...Then have to face the fact that every thing about the way my wife lives, says "I had rather be single and somewhere else"...I've spent the last few years, trying to undo many of the mistakes I've made....I'm just so tired of living in a house w/ a women who's lack of commitment, can only produce a dysfunctional dynamic....I told her recently that she needs to start paying half of our utilities bills, TV, and Internet....Negative again of course....I've never asked her to do that....But her monthly income is more than mine now....So she needs to start paying....One person's love and commitment can never make a marriage...She needs to start investing her time, her energy, her money, her body.....And do it happily!...If it's not in her heart to invest herself into this marriage...She needs to move on...There can never be a healthy attachment when we are not fully invested fully commitment...Staying in a one sided relationship causes all kinds of emotional issues....I try to just live a thankful life, knowing I don't have to answer for her failures...But lets face it....I think most of us get into a marriage relationship in order to experience the beauty of what marriage was meant to be from the beginning of time....Two people totally invested and committed....Open, approachable and loving....

Yep, it's been a tall task over the past few years (one I still fail at from time to time)  to keep my emotions in check and try to stop pointing out the dysfunction of her living so selfishly and so uninvested in our marriage....If I was so offended, and so un-contented by being a husband, and taking on the responsibilities of a husband...I sure wouldn't continue to stay....

She may not either (which is good if she is offend by it) now that I'm asking her step up and take on more of the responsibilities that she should have been gladly doing all along....

I just needed to talk to someone other than myself about this a minute.....

Thanks

c