Hi all.  I'm just feeling so frustrated.  I'm aware of all the symptoms.  I know my spouse has ADHD.  I know his anger is a problem in our marriage and has slowly chipped away at our relationship.  He was just diagnosed in the Spring and he's trying meds but they do NOTHING for his frustration tolerance.  We go for days/weeks with no incident.  And then WHAMMO, I (usually the trigger) say something that sets him off.  And there isn't just anger.  There's sarcastic anger, which is all the more insidious.  After years of this kind of thing repeating itself, I find it hard to look him in the eyes.  Or reaching out to hold his hand.  When he blows up I feel like an injured animal.  It takes days for me to 'come back.'  I shut down and clam up just to keep things peaceful, so I end up festering.  But this is all wrong.  I don't know how to change it.  I just feel it and do it automatically because I don't know what else to do.  Telling him how I feel, even if I wait for the 'storm' to pass is useless.  He KNOWS how I feel.  He feels bad about his behavior.  Yet, he has trouble catching himself before he blows.  And I don't know how much longer I can ride this coaster.  So, folks, WHAT ELSE should I do???  When he loses it unnecessarily?  When I get that biting sarcasm?  When any words that fall from my mouth make the situation worse?  When he apologizes and I just can't accept it because I feel so hurt?  What HELPS for others out there???

I have been with my current bf for 8 months now, long distance (2 hours away). He was diagnosed with ADHD with some OCD symptoms.  I honestly can accept his certain traits of ADHD, because I grew up with a ADHD brother.  I saw the worst, my brother couldn’t sit quietly in the class and was violent towards his classmate when he was angry.     

We used to see each other twice a week, then went down to two times a month, now we only saw each other 3 times in the past two months.  He was attentive when we were together, bought grocery before I came, added gas for my car and we didn’t have any problems with intimacy.  He was quick to judge, but if I told him that I didn’t like his comments, he would apologize!

However, I have this feelings that he is cheating, at least emotionally.  I read articles about the cheating of ADHD is related to attention disorders or distractions.  I wrote him two emails telling him what I didn’t feel comfortable of what he was doing, never got replies and he kept doing what he did.  On the normal dating forum, all those are big no no, but since he did have ADHD, so I listed some his behaviors below for the experienced ones to tell me if there are any problems and if all those are ADHD related:

1. He never answered my questions about what he did or where he was.  Or he said he was at work, but he checked in Facebook somewhere else.  He got frustrated if I persisted, and I hated confrontation, so normally I dropped it off once he showed signs of agitation.
2. We don’t text each other often, sometimes I went for a week or two without any news from him.  I texted him once or twice in between to check on him but never got replies.   On the other hand, when we were together he couldn’t put down his phone, constantly texting or emailing, sometimes even during the night.   And he always said he texted his friends.   His phone is not password protected though.
3. He unfriended me on Facebook when we had the first argument and told me he would add me back on later but never did.   He went to Philippines for a 10 days vacation without telling me, when he came back, there was a photo of him with another girl.  His post was not visible for public, but he featured that photo so everyone could see.
4. He had history of addiction to dating apps, it affected his working performance as a result.
5. My name on his phone is a sexual innuendo.  There are no more sweet talks between us, but criticizing or complaining about what I do.  On the other hand, he needed constant reassurance from me that I didn’t see others behind his back.  
6. The planning of dates was getting worse.  He didn’t actually forget, but he would change all the time at the last minutes on the days I had to travel.  Not to mention all the broken promises I assumed he forgot. 

Yes, it's true.  You don't think it gets that hot in Oregon....think again!! LOL  I use to lifeguard in college and I remember these days.  Of course, I could just jump in the water to cool off and get back out again so it wasn't that big a deal with a pool at your disposal? LOL  I remember a day just like this when it hit 106 degrees.  I'm so glad I installed central air in this old house!!  I'm perfectly fine ....I'll be working the late shift tonight when it cools off.

This whole "creative flow" thing...is really really coming to light.  And this whole "Ground Hog Day" thing......planning everything down to the minute , over planning, plan plan plan......the life right out of existence.  No flow.....no creativity......death and stagnation.....definitely, no flow.
Which brings me right to this place once again.  It's fricking 108 degrees outside ( at my house )......who in their right mind, would be working outside...if they didn't have to?  No one I know of......go with the flow.  Instead of working harder, work smarter......go with the flow...and go with what you got at the time?  So, if you plan everything to death...and it's 108 degrees outside.....now what?  Turkeys butt?  If you live in Ground Hog Day.....then ground Hog Day does not account for things outside of your control?  Well,   can't do it today....life is over.  The machinary stops and everything shuts down since....can't go outside of the plan....can't work....at a different time?  Have to swim upstream, gotta stay with the program....no outside the box thinking....no adapting and overcoming and changing.  Semper Fi.....Hooah!!!  Adapt...and overcome.....you don't stop advancing on the enemy if your a Marine right?  There is no play book...to account for the weather....so if it rains.....then you just don't go through with your plans?  OMG.....you might get wet?  In Oregon....this is a complete joke. Ha!!  I see this all the time and it still makes me laugh.  I see people...dashing from there cars to get to the curb from the parking lot...to get back inside where it's safe.  As if the Rain...is Sulfuric Acid...and if it touches you....as if you will  dissolve or something?   "Ahhhhh.....I'm  melting, melting....oh, what a world what a world, who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness!! " LOL  I mean really.....that is my take on it....like Rain....is something horrible and you can't get any on you? It is just water...after all?

This is that flow thing I was mentioning.  To go..."with the flow"....you go down stream...not upstream...and go with the current?  You can flip on your back and just float downstream...as long as you don't have to be in control and just allow the river to take you down stream with it?  So much less energy...so much less work...and so much easier.....when you don't have a "set structure" written in stone.  "

"So it shall be written....so it shall be done? " LOL  "Well, where do you want this killing done?"

  "Do it down on highway 61"

" Well, can it wait until after dinner or when it cools off?  Why not?  I mean really?  I don't see a problem with that?  And it doesn't say "when".....in the Bible? Ha!!  I'm just kidding of course but there is a point in saying this.  What I'm saying is....having a flexible schedule thqt allows for contingencies and variables....to make it "easier" on yourself....allows you to get more done....still on time....if you can adjust and adapt acordingly?  I remembered this...from living at home?  It was like the entire Universe revolved around the "school week system.  It's a school day tomorrow....gotta stay on that institutionalized schedule....even when your not in school?  Like ...where does it say this?  In which "book" says that Mondays are Tuna  Fish, and Sundays are Meat Loaf? LOL  Talk about boring....and absolutely NO CREATIVE THOUGHT what so ever?  No spontaneity and no creativity what so ever....everything is "planned and scripted" right down to how you wipe you butt.  Not to be crude but you get my point.

I have to say, that I am very familiar with this.  At work in the past...it was the worst enviroment possible for creativity and I had to be creative..since my job depended on it?  They expectedc me to perform and be creative...but "they" or the powers that be...did everything in their power to make that as difficult as possible so I'm use to that...and  found out how to do both at the same time and still perform...and sitll "appiece" the powers that be?  But that was at work?  Doing this...or living in that way at home...is beyond rediculous?  I mean....whats the difference between Friday night/....and Monday night?  Oh......Friday is when you get drunk...and Monday is when you watch Football?  But of course....everyone knows that?

Being in that industry....I know a little bit of the History of "time keeping" devises...and they didn't even have such a things as an accurate "watch"...until two trains head on collided into one another...because the time keeping devises were that much off or out of synch with one another?  The "Rail Road Chronograph" was born.  In the 1800's......so what did poeple do  before that time...when they could "tell what time it was".  How about...the Sun?  And the only reason farmer didn't work at night...was because it's dark..and they can't see?  So what's the excuse now?  Nothing?  You can work anytime night or day..and still get the job done.  And the fact...that huge corporations like "Intel" for example...have established "flex time schedules" to meet the the vast amount of needs of all their employees...some with kids, some without..and some with all kinds of things going on...that change from day to day? Which they have spent millions of dollars...in research on this...and by them....allowing their employees to work in golf shirts instead of suits and ties...and come in when they want within a range or time....they've created an environment, that is conducive to creative thought, and allowing the "employee" to determine what time is best for them?  And ....they don't do it because they are "nice"...they do it, because it works and it makes them....MORE MONEY!!! lol  There you go.....they go "with the flow"....and they, are one of the largest corporations in the world?  The bottom line....productivity.  They call this the "Humanist" managerial style....versus...the "pragmatic" style of managment and they have found the numbers don't lie.  If possible...it is the proven "better way to go" amd is a win / win for everyone concerned?  My brother in law...retired from Intel...so I've heard about this first hand as well as studying it in Bussiness school as a model of plan ( strategy )

Anyway....in one day.....I got more done than I have in a very lont time.  I'm able to "enact" and take advantage of my creativity again and this is what was missing. which for me as an Artist....you can image, that was a real problem?

Any way,  I just wanted to share on of my new discoveries with an entire plan of action which I am following through on.  This is so cool..and it related to this very thing and my wife...would never have gone for it since it did not fit "into Ground Hog Day.

I stumbled by accident....in a local buy and sell sight.....this thing called "Nomiku"..."sous vide" cooking.  I'll enclose the link to it and put it at the end here....but my thoughts along these lines go right into this as I said.  Working smarter...not harder and thinking about simplifying and reducing the "work...time..and yes.....clean up after wards"  so very very cool.   And...it's WiFi controlled which means...oi can operate it remotely....from anywhere that has cell service?  It is the equivalent...to a pressure cooker on one hand...and "slow cooker" on the other....bit ot tales a fraction of the time.....uses no pots or pans......no clean up afterwards and you can actually get away with....no stove or oven?  Your entire kitchen...could be reduced to this gadget, an idunction hot plate..and a hand blow torch....to do damn near anything?  No stove, no oven..and your entire kitchen could fit in one drawer..for everything? ) or almost everything?  and you can prepare everything ahead of time....and set it up to start...at the push of a button on your cell phone?

So, when I saw this ad for one at 1/2 price brand new in the box.....and come to find it was a duplicate wedding gift for the seller.....that was a win win there too?  It was the opportunity...and seeing the benefit and knowing exactly how I will make that work?  But of course...I've been cooking for years and know how to cook...and I also know that restaurants have these things ...but they cost thousands of dollars until now?

Amd why, do restaurants use these devices to cook food for their customers?  Consistency, and repeatability....and time it take to get the food out of the kitchen and on to the customers plate...perfect every time?  That's all I needed to see.....I knew it...right when I saw it...instantly in fact?

And worst case scenario....if push came to shove?  I got it brand new for 1/2 price...still unused in the box?   I could sell it for more money than I paid....and it's the latest greatest version out there.....so there is an instant market for it.  No problem there?

If I tried to even explain this to my wife....it would have disrupted her entire being!! LOL  Just trying to explain it...l.would have thrown her for a loop.  No......wait...........no........wait...............no............oops.  Too late....you missed your window of opportunity on that one. Along with all the thousands of opportinity, she misses...since...she doesn't look for them.....has no creative problem solving ability and is stuck in a rut in her head?  And wonders why she goes no where?

I know why?  You go no where fast.....living in Ground Hog Day.....that's why?  if every day it the same....the world is changing all around you every single minute of every single hour.....then what does that say here?

If you are going to do battle with the world....then you better become a Marine.  Semper Fi......Hooah!!  LOL.....( and then some )  Adapt and over come.....and go with the flow.

And by the way....the Echo Dot II..from Amazon...is one of the best devises for ADHD....I can possibly think of?  As a "reminder devise"....it beats timers hands down.  All you have to do is "speak"....it doesn't get any easier than that.  I definitely, put that in the  "highly recommended" as an ADHD tool to help do the reminding....that is so easy.....it's just stupid easy.....that's all I can say. LOL  I don't use it for all the things they claim....just for timers and reminders.....it works perfectly for that alone.  As long as you have cable or a cell phone.....it's only $50 bucks.  Worth the price of admission there.....it works like a champ and is better than hiring a person to do it....and it doesn't give you any lip either? LOL  For what it's worth.

https://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=nomiku+wi-fi+immersion+circul...

J

First of all, basics. People with ADHD follow different rules to people without it. You cannot apply the rules you have learnt socially to people with ADHD because they are not ADHD friendly, just like how asking someone without ADHD to work without break or food for very long periods of time is not average-person friendly. This can actually work fine for people with ADHD in hyper focus. When I get into something, my hunger and thirst disappear and they can regularly disappear for an entire day or longer- however long I am in hyper focus. I have to literally tell myself to eat and drink despite my lack of apparent hunger or else I know I'll collapse at any moment otherwise. All that hunger and thirst comes straight back once I come out of hyper focus.

There's a reason for why I said that. Because for a lot of people with ADHD, nagging is counterproductive. There's a notorious rule that a lot of us follow:

1. The more we tell ourselves we need to do something because we have to or because it's good for us, the more we will procrastinate and act against it.

Add two more rules:

2. We forget very easily.

3. We are 'distracted' very easily.

One final rule:

4: The more we are under stress, the stronger our ADHD symptoms.

Number 4 is dangerous simply because if you thought the first 3 were horrible, 4 heightens the effects of the first 3.

Now this is not an excuse to hate people with ADHD. This is not an excuse to hate people with ADHD. Yes, I said that twice. I've found people without ADHD have rules just as annoying and the only reason I will not list them here is simply because I'm not here to play blame games and if I did, you would hate me for stating all your flaws and be more likely to criticise everything else I say and not take the advice. You just need to accept that this is how they are or else everything will fall. 

So let's put the rules into context. You ask them to do something. Rules 2 and 3 come into play. So in response you ask them again. Rules 2 and 3 come into play again and now rule 1 starts to take effect. This cycle repeats and with each repitition, rule 1 becomes more and more heightened. You start to get frustrated and nag them in more harsher ways. Now rule 4 comes into play, making the first three rules worse. Can you see now why nagging is such a counter productive tactic for us?

Another thing to remember is that people with ADHD are still human and so we still have a lot of similarities to people without ADHD. For example, if you have are stressed, you lose control of your emotions quicker. The longer you are stressed, the lower your capacity before your break. As in if you've been stressed for 5 days over work, you'll break over smaller things than if you were only stressed for a day over work. Another thing is you don't like bosses when they are unhelpful to you, unsupportive and constantly telling you to do more and combining about your attempts to try. All here points are exactly what you are doing to someone with ADHD by constantly nagging them. Asking someone to do something at a later time when they forget easily is unhelpful. It's like telling someone to eat with a spoon when there are no spoons in the house and then getting angry when they don't. I forget to do things sometimes within a second of being told to. While my wife is talking to me I can reply as though I am listening to her attentively and replying appropriately when in actual reality I am completely distracted and so forget everything that's happened half a second later.

If you have noticed your ADHD partner's emotions getting worse as time goes on, then it might be because you are acting like their boss 24/7. Reminding them to do things, telling them off, reminding them again and finishing our work for us, thinking you're helping when from our points of view you are doing nothing to help. By picking up after our mistakes you are giving us a reason not to do any work. If you were given a choice to have a maid to clean your house for free or to clean the house yourself, which would you pick? You might be saying but we'll fail otherwise but that's because neither of you know how to control the ADHD and assume that just by telling us how to do something and reminding us all the time, we'll eventually get better at it (because in this case  that's not how we work either). You're literally following social rules which have absolutely no relevance to us whatsoever. It might be relevant to everyone else, but for us you need to act as though you know nothing about social norms and have to start over again (as if you were a child/teen learning about the world). If you think that your partner gets angry even when you're asking them nicel, if you also you know they used to be much more patient over things like this in the past, it's probably because that person still has all those past experiences in their head. You might not have trying to be nice during the beginning and when you realised it didn't work so you tried to be nicer, they still had all those experiences in them. Nagging them brings up all those experience again and they automatically assume you have all one frustrated feelings you had shown in the past. Like how if someone has pointed a gun at you, you expect them to be ready to kill you everytime. And even long after an event like this, you may still associate that person with an intent to kill you.

It's not like you can't overcome these differences. Like how everyone is different and so can't be treated the same, people with ADHD also can't be treated the same way. It's not an obstacle that will always hinder your life and I have learnt to take advantage of my ADHD such that some things seem effortless to me whereas it's clearly a huge struggle for everyone else. When in basketball in hyperfocus I know where everyone is. My mind just takes in all the information and I don't need to think. It made it incredibly hard for anyone to take the ball off me because the instant anyone got near I could tell and the instant an opening was made by my team I would notice and pass. And all this required a very little amount of concentration and thought for me. 

Going back to ADHD rules, of someone is distracted easily, take away their distractions.

When I look at my phone or a tablet, if I see a bunch of apps these apps I've noticed distract me and create openings for me to forget what I was doing. Solution? Use Siri or a search to search for the exact app I need, skipping the loaded app screens. Reduce the amount of apps on my home screen or the important screens so that I don't get distracted and forget.

I feel overwhelmed by a project or get bored with it and stop? Start another project until I get overwhelmed or bored with that, then repeat until I suddenly forget how overwhelmed or bored I was by the first project, I found which isn't after much, then restart it.

I forget to do things? Don't give myself a chance to forget it and do it straight away.

I need to remember something for later? Put it in front of my face i.e. a place I will definitely have to use soon that forces me to notice it. I get distracted by something whenever I see it? Put it in a wide open obvious space that I will pass by and make it colourful so that I can't stop staring at it. What I remember to do starts to overwhelm me now? Tell myself I don't need to do it, but that it would be nice if I could do it now. If I told myself I needed to do it, I would avoid it more, but I found that I told myself I don't have to, suddenly everything's okay, but that works for me, not sure for who else it works. Tell myself I only need to do one very small thing then I can continue later (when in actual reality my hyperfocus usually gets to me continue something I start for a long time so it gets done quickly). Don't tell myself that I can eat chocolate if I finish the work, but instead tell myself that whether or not I do the work, I will still eat chocolate but tell myself it'll taste better if I had done the work, and if I do do the work, relish for 5 seconds just how much better it felt to eat the chocolate.

I didn't figure these all out straight away, I read self help books, tweaked them or made my own because people with ADHD are naturally creative and I took advantage of that by testing out anything that came to mind until I found the right tactic. I did these one at a time and forced myself to leave some things until later (like my crazy crazy mood swings- you can find me rolling on the floor sometimes for no other explanation other than because I feel so happy). It's taken a long time but it's very clear from both my wife and I and I am becoming so much better over time at doing everything that normal people find easy to do.

There's just one problem of course. There are a bunch of other things stopping this from happening. A lot of you may be thinking that the ADHD partner needs to do this and so the information is useless to you. That may be true for many. Of course it is. You spent about 15 years learning about the world and society at least before you started getting the hang of it. Now you have to restart all over again for this one person. My wife takes forever to find ways to help me with my ADHD. Even with very very specific instructions from me she struggles to help. It takes her a long while to learn to do it properly. Even the most simplest of things, I'm guessing because some of my instructions sound as though they make no sense to the average person in how it's supposed to help. It's a struggle for her despite help from me to help understand me (I will tell her almost everything I learn about my ADHD and she still needs very specific instructions to help out with it and still even struggles on those). You can overcome their ADHD without having to settle for just full acceptance, except the ways I'm thinking of, have nothing to do with ADHD whatsoever, just normal marriage tips. Some points even have absolutely nothing to do with marriage itself, like just simply learning to accept your partner is not like everyone else and that the rules they abide by is just as normal as the normal flaws every other human faces. Make judgements; don't judge. But that's a whole other essay. I haven't finished with my points on this whatsoever yet still. Even then full acceptance is still what you need in order to reach this sort of stage without becoming frustrated and angry in the process. This post is for those that feel as though they're are at a stage where their ADHD partner are willing to help themselves or are willing to cooperate with you to make their lives better. Also so others can see that it is possible to overcome ADHD problems.