Hi everyone, my first post so some background.

I've been married 12 years. Years ago my wife mentioned she had a previous ADD diagnosis. Actually at the time I found Melissa's book and read the first chapter online. Even found this website but didn't go any further. At the time my wife got mad I was researching ADD and told me "It's my issue". I didn't see how I could change her mind so I just dealt with it. 

Fast forward to now, and she just decided to go get a current diagnosis. She's started on medication and it's only been a couple weeks so it's hard to say what the long term effect will be. She's always been a pretty high-functioning ADHD spouse, she's been able to keep jobs, she is a doting mother, but for a decade now I've been the one in charge of the finances, I'm in charge of all the household repairs and chores, I keep the cats alive, she makes messes and I pick them up, she gets to have hobbies and I do chores, on and on you've probably all heard this before. We've found a stable way to coexist, but our relationship was clearly getting worse. We got smartphones a few years ago, and she racked up points in a game until she was literally world class. Meanwhile I ask for her to talk to me about her day or ask me about mine and she can't be bothered. Sex was better a few years ago but going the wrong direction. Now it's basically non-existent.

Her doc (not sure of the qualifications, she won't talk about it yet, ADHD shame kicking in) suggested "Hey read this book by Melissa Orlov, it's great for both spouses." I read it and I was literally shaking with rage. Before the current diagnosis I was already wondering why stay with someone who doesn't want to have sex and just makes life harder? Now I read the book her doctor suggested and it's the same one I got yelled at for reading years ago. But that's not what makes me so angry. I get the fact that I only get to control myself, not my partner. I get that I'm supposed to have empathy for how much shame an ADHD person has felt throughout their life. I get that it's normal to grieve what could have been and what opportunity was lost. I just don't care. The book reminded me of all the unfairness of a decade of needless anger, angst, and repressed feelings. I can tell I'm holding on to these feelings because I'm kind of looking for a reason to quit - the thought of decluttering, just having some time with my kids (even part time) without my wife, to start some hobbies, to have a household that doesn't spontaneously get messy no matter how hard I try... I feel screwed because I figure I can do better. 

I'm new to this, in one way, and worn with failed attempts, in another way. My wife has legitimately tried to address her ADHD with medication, and she's got various other treatments lined up as well. Somehow the diagnosis just makes me think why bother? I can't even remember the friend I married years ago. I can see glimpses beyond my anger, but then it rises up again at some trivial issue and I'm blinded again. 

I'm asking for advice on what to do next? I don't even know if I want to be with the person I married. She's smart, she's funny, our personalities fit like a glove at first, but sure enough the courtship went sour about 1 year in. Now I just see a person that makes my life harder. 

Hello everyone... I am the non-adhd person. I am really scared about getting married! I just don't know if I have the patience for this. I hate to say it but I feel like a mother to a 36 year old kid. I have read other peoples struggles and I totally relate. He moves stuff or throws things away but doesn't believe he did it. We are the only 2 in the house! (He says "if I did that then I am sorry" I want to strangle him when he says that!!) I make a chore list because he "doesn't know what to do" so he wanted it written down... he has never looked at it. I have to every morning write on a piece of paper what 2 things I need him to do. I have to constantly tell him to do stuff that should be just normal things. It's very frustrating. He also believes he is "handling it" but he isn't. He feels he is trying but I don't see it. It almost seems like he really has no insight into himself if that makes sense. Also I feel alone most of the time. I talk to him but he can't emotionally be there. He can repeat what I said but that's just repeating...no emotional connection there, is this normal for adhd? 

He really is a sweet guy and loves me more than anyone could. But social skills are horrible. I try to get him to read articles or books but he doesn't. It's really hard since we work different shifts so the weekends are when we really see each other. How do you guys handle this stuff? Any coping skills or techniques you could help me to learn? I would like to put the wedding off but it would kill him and I feel it's just to late to stop it (Sept 30th). I fear the "forever" part. HELP!!! 

Thanks! 

I'm the non ADHD spouse.   We bought the ADHD Effect on Marriage book and we were both reading it.  It was very emotional for my spouse.  We both were amazed at how it seemed someone was watching us live our lives and writing a book about it!  I went on to read The Dance of Anger and found it very insightful.  My dilemna is that my spouse has not finished reading the first book and shows no signs of doing so.   Is there a way for me to ask him about it,  remind him or otherwise suggest he get back to it without him feeling threatened or judged?  I've adapted how I'm acting with him because of the books.   But now he seems to think everything is okay and he doesn't need to do anything else.   Actually, no, I'm sure it's just that he's moved on and has forgotten we were even reading it.  Help!  Pretty sure I'm going to sign us up for the live counseling in the fall but that's a LONG time from now.  I know that any change he makes has to come from him.   But what do I do if he makes no progress towards that? 

My husband and I have been reading a book, Created for Connection, by Dr. Sue Johnson, that is unlike the shelves of others we have read before. Dr. Johnson leads with the attachment between a child and parent, and relates the depth of this attachment (not the child/parent roles, of course), or Connection, to that which a person seeks in their spouse. Right away, Johnson validates this need for connection, backs by much research and years of treating couples on the verge of break-up, and the rest of the book involves recognizing patterns of behavior that are related to disconnection.

Of course, I am giving a lame summary for this book, so let me share instead that my husband (who shared an article about connection which then led us to this book), who told me within our first weeks of marriage that my outward affection was inappropriate (he grew up in a home where his parents never showed affection publicly), said that connecting to me and enjoying our attachment is what he has always deeply desired. I was stunned and still feel surreal. Of course, this is not a magic book, so don't think I'm going to tell you we are floating around with rose petals and bubbles everywhere. It took a month before it clicked that I think my husband LIKES me - I have thought for years that I have irritated and frustrated him so much, and especially because of my ADHD, that his frequent distance from me is well-deserved on my part.

Yesterday, we were discussing a recent dinner with one of our sons and a family friend who is going through life challenges, during which I felt that I had talked too much, so much that my son and husband couldn't participate, and I was embarrassed. I mentioned that he had withdrawn during the conversation, and he said he didn't recall that. What he remembered was thinking, "I am here with my son, and I am not sure what to say to our friend, but want it to be kind and helpful so that I am an example to both of them." And then, he said, that as he listened, he thought, "She is so good at this and is saying just how I feel but couldn't put into words," but how I phrased it helped him add something in a few minutes. I remember that once he spoke, he did so very well (I was trying so hard not to interrupt him or start making jokes or something stupid). I have never, ever thought that he listened and liked what I said. My husband is a wonderful person, but his face is often serious or blank, and I am not the only person who sees this. There have been times that he has "checked" me at a party or something, or during a conversation with our children, but he said he thought that was normal - I have done that with him, too, he reminded me. But I internalized these "corrections" and the detached facial expressions as being a fool in his eyes, like an ADHD clown.

To hear that he valued me and that he wants to develop a connection with me blew me away! For 25 years we have struggled, screamed, withdrawn, and come close to leaving, gone to therapy and wondered why doesn't what we learned last?!  Today, when he kissed me good-bye and said, "I love you," I saw that he meant it. I want to trust him, though it's hard for me to believe that he wants that with me, with all my faults and ADHD and how many times I have disappointed him.

I wanted to share...and I believe that this book works well with The ADHD Effect on Marriage, because ADHD brings a unique challenge for couples, even those who have a deep connection, I would assume. Orlov writes of Connection as well, and Created for Connection expands on that.