I was diagnosed with ADHD just after my 41st birthday, and I am close to turning 44. At first, the diagnosis and treatment brought relief and understanding to a lifetime of struggling, anger, and lost relationships. I read every book about ADHD that I could, applied behavioral and medicinal treatment (and still do), drastically improved my diet, and worked with an ADHD coach (who said, "Stop reading books about ADHD."). A few months after diagnosis, an awareness of how others perceive, treat, and talk about me began to create a vicious cycle of self-doubt, anxiety in all relationships, pervasive depression, and thoughts of giving up completely.

The sad part is that I like so many things about who I am!  I like being free-spirited, creative, innovative - a "see the beauty in life" kind of person. I like researching and trying new ideas and hobbies, although I have to put checks in place because of cost (my husband was relieved when I researched Minimalism a while back).  I love being with children - I am a preschool teacher, and I thank God every day that I am able to work again - but I also live in constant fear of losing my job because I might be distracted, say something wrong, or annoy the wrong person, and lose my job.

I fight guilt from the past - memories of raising my two wonderful children, who are grown and successful, because I wasn't the mother that I might have been, with treatment. When they are distant from me (I do respect their independence - I'm talking about apparent avoidance of me), I am sad and hurt, but feel that I caused that because of periods of hyperfocus that took my attention from them when they were younger.

When my husband, children, close friends, or coworkers are annoyed with me, or treat me like a problem they need to work around, I begin withdrawing and spiraling into depression. I avoid leaving the house, I question everything I am doing, I feel like no one can see past my ADHD to the person I really am, and I am devastated.

I am genuinely hurt and humiliated when others criticize or make sarcastic comments about me (but not surprised anymore). My husband tells me to ignore those who do that, but I am not that way; I have an open heart that enjoys encouraging and loving others, and the person might be a family member or someone I dearly love. Since my diagnosis, I make an effort to avoid friendships with other women, but ultimately, it might happen before I am aware of it, because initially others see me as a fun person they want to be around, and I am excited and interested in this new person. Later, though, the ADHD me comes through - although I try SO hard to manage it! - and they get annoyed, disappointed and distant. I have tried putting checks and reminders and codes in place to keep these things from happening - my ADHD catches me off-guard, and before I know it, I am criticized, blamed, avoided or treated like I am a goof. When I address this with those I am close to, I ultimately have to admit to myself that my ADHD behavior is the cause - I don't blame them for wanting to distance from me.

I am caught in a self-loathing cycle. I am afraid that it will become a "self-fulfilling prophecy", and I will lose everyone I love so much. I am not whining or being overly dramatic - it has taken me 2 years to reach out to anyone about this, but I need help because I am scared and don't know what else to try. I need an ADHD therapist or coach or group, and I don't know who to trust. Please help.

Having only recently read "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" I am currently working through the anger and resentment that has built up over 20 years and 17 years of diagnosed and untreated ADHD.  The book has helped me understand my responses to ADHD symptoms and the significant impact they've had on our relationship, but there is one concept I am struggling with...the idea that "I respect my spouse's inherent right to make his or her own decisions and live by the consequences, whether I like what what he or she is doing."   My wife already lives with many of the consequences of her actions that might be frustrating to me but are not a huge problem, but I would love for my wife to live with the consequences of her actions around chronic overspending and lack of involvement in the finances.  I have owned the consequences our entire married lives and don't really see a way out of owning that because no one will ever convince me that living beyond one's means is prudent or justified.  Although mostly unknown to me before we got married, it is clear in hindsight that my wife's behavior was well entrenched when she entered the marriage.  I ultimately took over the finances for two reasons: 1.) I did not have the money to continually pay off hundreds of dollars of overdraft charges on my wife's checking account and 2.) I knew my wife came to the marriage with some debts (ultimately created by her ex-husband...at least he got the blame), but did not know the extent of the debt until after we got married.  If I didn't take over, I feared that we would never get out from under it.  As it was, the extent of the debt took more than 10 years to pay off. 

Since I found out about her significant debt, she has retreated from any financial responsibility or accountability our entire married lives.  She won't engage in any capacity where I end up managing the finances alone. From my perspective, her only relationship with money relates to spending.  She does work and contributes about 25% to our monthly income, but has no interest in what she makes or when she gets paid.  She avoids budgets, income, account balances, savings goals and will not engage in how spending directly impacts our entire financial picture.  Our chronic disconnect on finances is what finally pushed me to force us to see a marriage counselor (that's how I see it).  After 18 years, I was exhausted by her single response of "I don't spend much money"  when the topic of money comes up.  I can't understand why she doesn't recognize or acknowledge that the mortgage, car payments, insurance and utilities are spending.  The only spending she has any recognition of is related to having fun in a retail setting or going out to a restaurant.  In understand that my wife can be impulsive, but I am struggling to understand how ADHD plays into spending without any appreciation, recognition or knowledge for how spending impacts our overall finances.  As an aside, there is no question this ADHD symptom and our respective responses have set up a parent-child dynamic in our marriage where I have continually wondered "where is the partner I thought I married?"

If any other couples have dealt with chronic overspending and total lack of involvement of an ADHD partner in the finances, I would love to get your perspective(s).  Whether you were the one spending or the one managing the spending, if you have direct experience to share, I am hoping to better understand 1.) the mindset of someone with ADHD as it relates to spending 2.) what blocks someone with ADHD from engagement with the finances and 3.) any strategies you've used to come together on the finances. 

Any insights or experiences are appreciated.  I will also plan to share some updates as we move forward in this journey because right now I don't see a way out of living with the consequences of my wife's overspending. 

Last night, my wife and I were discussing her exist plan after going over to the home of a friend she is moving in with.  As we are able to speak more openly now, I am really listening to the things she is saying which just fits to what I know but now in a new potential situation?  When I asked about her new place, she was very focused on the dogs at her new abode.  She hasn't even moved in yet, and she already focused and worried about the dogs there. ( she obsessed with dog pee, dog smells, dog hair, animal germs, dirt , noise etc....always afraid, always worrying )This, I had to bring up to her the other night when I was telling her it would be best for her if she moved out.  As I have come to know full circle.....the "environment" is the most important thing to her above all else including me.  I am merely "in the environment"....and at the same time "part of it too".  She literally cannot separate anything out from one another and I am literally just another "thing" in her environment.   The intensity she must feel inside must make it very difficult of her for sure....but I'm not seeing this the same as I use to, and I know there is nothing I can do about that?  However, I am feeling a mixture of sadness for what I love about my wife, and I will miss those things very much.  She has a lot of great and really wonderful qualities and deep in her heart....she is not a bad person.  Quite far from it, as I told her again last night.  In fact, I told her, that she possessed some qualities that I have never had before with anyone else which are stand out positive qualities however and not to erase what I just said.....those equalities it seems are always tied to the negative aspects too, so I always have to remember that they do come in pairs.  The good and the bad....together which is sad for me in that she could not integrate them into one quality without splitting them in two?  None the less, her fastidious house keeping and need for order and symmetry....has really rendered and very beautiful living space with a very good "feng shui" feeling which I was really admiring last night as I looked around to remember it better.  I told her that it was and is always something I saw as a talent...and she immediate;y started in on the defensive again...and started saying "I've got talents" which she does.....but she never makes use of them that's the point.  I asked her if there was anything she was really passionate about other than hourse cleaning and keeping a perfect living space....and she immediately started saying what she "would like to do"....or ....."what she always wanted to do" which I quickly reminded her that she has said that before but there was always something or some reason getting in the way as to why that could never happen.  As I told her using myself and others as my example said  " Well, the thing is, when someone has a passion to do something no matter what....they end up doing it with or without anyone.  And they will do it regardless of any obstacles in their way and they will do it and usually do it, all their life in many cases?  Whether it be sewing, or knitting or skiing or golfing.....sailing or biking or painting or art........hiking or swimming or running or musical instruments ....usually, something like this will end of as a life long hobby or even more than one like me?  But normally as I have noticed.....people will usually have at least ONE passion or hobby of some kind and they will be very interested in it and it will show up as a continued interest in there life or like I said.....more than one?"

And I looked at her and said....."I don't see anything like that or have heard of you mention it".  Which is absolutely true.  Aside from reading which I quickly acknowledged as a legitimate hobby.  Reading is a a past time or a hobby and there is nothing wrong with that except for one thing?  Reading, is not a group or activity you can share with anyone else.  Sometimes she tries to share it, and stop me and want me to read something....but that's not really all that fun or exciting, being on that end of "her hobbby".  As a hobby or a "group: or even a partner activity.....reading books is about the most boring and most non-participatory activity you could possibly name.  Nothing is more boring, than watching someone else read.   TV....is a far cry better as something you'd do with another person.  Other than that....she has no interests or passions which brought me to the next thing I was curious about which I asked her straight up.  As I asked....."if there was one thing that you could name, that all the men in your past said to you as their complaint or something they found most difficult to live with.....what would it be?" 

And she thought about it and said............."I'm  hard to buy gifts for, and very hard to please"   And I immediately remembered the story that my T told me long ago about the dying man in the desert.  Who came upon the Oasis and thought his lucky starts and prayers had been answered.  And the wealthy shiek offered him everything he owned at his disposal including his daughters to top off his hospitality?  And then there was this huge feast laid out in front of him, with all the food and every variety he could ask for......except for one thing..and only one thing that was missing?  There was not a drop to drink to save his life, any where in sight?

And I reminded her of this at the same time, and she remembered it too......but as she sat there I told her that I know how all the other guys felt as well?  As I said this to her I pointed out, that I was sure that these others guys had tried to please you or do things for you or give you gifts...but when you are drowning and you only need air to breathe or water to drink.....you are completely missing these other things since you only want what  you want...and that is all that you want?  You've even ( as I said this ) said....."why did you get this, when you knew I wanted that?"  Right when you were doing something really nice and thoughtful for her and brought her a gift or surprise?  And then I remembered my T telling us the "Fox and the Sour Grapes" story...and everything completely lined up and I went...."Ah ha.....there you go"

A person who can never be pleased, who never likes surprises....someone who can only see what's in front of their face and what is wrong only, and never see what is rigtht....will miss everything good that comes to them in life.....since they are always looking for the wrong thing...or looking in the wrong places to find what they so desperately need?  What ever it is my wife thinks LOVE is...and what ever is she is looking for and fanatically trying to find.....she will never find it ever.....if she is dying of thirst metaphorically speaking......and only needs "water"...or what ever water represents to her....since apparently, myself and all these past guys are all saying the same thing to her......and she just doesn't get it?  What she does do a very good job at doing, is rejecting you...and making you feel rejected and put down because you didn't guess the exact right thing that she desperately needs.....which of course, doesn't exist and is just an illusion?  There is no Oasis or vision in the desert.....that is just the delusion of the dying person in the desert and is just a mirage and doesn't exist?  And still, as I sat there and told her how sad I was and how that she is missing all these wonderful gifts that people keep giving her.....if you only need water...and there is nothing else to drink....then you are pretty much fucked at that point......nothing anyone can do for you as long as you live if you only need one thing that you think that will make you happy......in reality, you need water every day to drink....if water for you is a scarcity....then water it self becomes some great gift or need?

What she doesn't realize and probably never will, is that in that case "water" is only something she can give to her self since that kind of water no one else has?  No matter how many other things I or anyone has ever given to her in a loving way, these things mean nothing to her..cause she only wants what no one else can give her.  She missed everything....is search for the one thing no one has to give her which is just pathetic and sad....but there is nothing I can do for her there?  She totally misses and still misses the fact ( even after I told her ) that it makes me and I'm sure the other men you've been with, feel rejected and hurt from having their gifts thrown back in their faces?  It is what I felt....so I can imagine the other guys felt the same way.  As he last ex husband said to her....."You can never be pleased".  On the other end of the coin......she will always make others feel rejected and not good enough from this dysfunction she has in only wanting the ONE thing, she can never get from anyone else?  Talk about self sabotaging!!  WOW!!  And here she is again, with all I have to offer her, but none of it good enough for her....because it's not exactly the way and how I want it.  Her need to perfection....drives everyone crazy and only causes damage unless ( like me ) I could see it for what it truly is.  I am not angry with her for this since this was not her fault in anyway.  She was a victim, who remained a victim...to this day and has never learned anything from that time moving forward?  Like I have always said...."when you're a victim....someone is always doing something to you and their is always someone else to blame....for everything!!!"  The true test, to see if you not a victim...is you cannot blame anyone for anything and you have to live with it....there is no escape what ever it is.  The blame game...is the game my wife plays and these are all the symptoms right here.......for anyone else who might be reading this.  This is NOT.....ADHD by the way.  I have ADHD.....and I am NOT this way, that's for damn sure.

J

Hello. This is the first time I am posting in a forum, but I am desperate. My marriage is falling apart. I was diagnosed with ADHD about 10 years ago. I take vyvanse. This has helped greatly in a lot of Areas. My problem is I never did research on the effects of ADHD in marriage. My wife and I fight all the time and I never new why till I read a lot of these blogs. I am devastated it is my fault. I don't know if i can repair the damage with my wife. I realize now the hurt I caused her with all my quirks and forgetfulness and anger and such. I am at a loss. I feel I if I show her the articles she will just think I am just making excuses for my behaviour. What do I do? I want to save my marriage and now that I know it's mostly me, I can try and work on it. But is it to late?? 21 years of marriage she put up with me. And now it might just be too late!