I am grateful for this forum and this site.  It is helping me to learn about ADD, which I was totally ignorant about until I started dating a man with ADD (he told me on the first date).  We have been dating (exclusive to one another) for a few months now.  We come to this relationship late in life with our own respective baggage.  In sum, I have abandonment and attachment issues stemming from abuse in my childhood, and he was exposed to severe childhood trauma as well.  We recognize the most wonderful attributes in the other, and became quite close very early on in the relationship.  We respect the strength shown in the other as we each faced our own childhood difficulties. 

We are both on medication, and I see a counselor regularly.  He does not engage in counseling.  Our situation is further complicated by the fact that we live over a thousand miles apart.  He appears to have a good relationship with his children, but no close friends in the same city. We both have been married previously and are now divorced.

Most of the aspects of ADD mentioned on this site appear to be present at some level, but the characteristics of ADD behavior that bother me the most are his sudden and extreme anger, his continual placing of blame on me for this anger, and his unwillingness to accept any responsibility for our relationship issues, or even discuss them.  In many ways he is emotionally sensitive, and expresses a desire for deep  human connection, as do I.  We admire each other's intellect and humanity, and enjoy our physicality.  On the other hand, somehow, we seem to be uniquely capable of causing each other deep pain.

I would like to hear from both ADD men, and women with ADD partners, with their thoughts about whether or not I should continue this relationship, and in particular if I should bring up my boyfriend's ADD as a serious threat to it.  My perspective is that when I try to raise subjects around our relationship, he becomes immediately angry, blaming, says or writes very hurtful things, and then distances himself from me.  His volatile anger is nearly always said to be my fault, because he finds my behavior to be outrageous and says that he cannot allow himself to be treated that way by me.  Something about our interaction is clearly painful or frightening to him.  He fends off talking about any difficult moments, by saying that it simply isn't worth the effort.

To my memory, I have never been critical of his forgetfulness, or difficulty in managing time or tasks.  I have, however, chased after him when he preferred to be alone, and mentioned that his driving habits and anger sometimes frighten me.  I have also indicated that I do not like being interrupted so often, and that I feel as though he cuts me off before I have a chance to explain myself.  He would probably say that I assume what he is thinking without asking him directly, and that I take too long to say anything.  And I certainly can be stubborn.  So far, I have not brought up his ADD at all, but after doing my research on this site and others, it is clear to me that ADD is playing a large negative role in our relationship. 

At the moment, we are speaking very little to one another.  What is your advice, dear forum?  Should I let this relationship slip into the past or should I bring up ADD as a major issue working against us?  If the latter, how do I bring it up?  I am fearful that he will react angrily and dismissively.  Or, do you have other suggestions to make?

I am at wits end, and open to all your thoughts and advice.

Hi everyone.  My name is Amanda, I'm 30 and I am having a really hard time with my ADHD husband.  We've been together for 7 years and things have been pretty bad off and on.  He was originally  diagnosed Bi-Polar a few years ago and it wasn't until recent that his new doctor told him the she believes he had been misdiagnosed and that he actually has ADHD.  He's in the beginning stages of talking to her and getting his medication, but I need help in the mean time.  

I have no idea what I'm doing.  I feel as if im walking on eggshells.  His anger is triggered constantly and over little things that shouldn't warrant that much anger.  I understand that he is ADHD and he's going through a rough time trying to control his emotions and what not, but its really starting to take a toll on me.  I wake up feeling both depressed and scared for what the day has in store for me.  Its kind of driving me crazy...I feel like I'm losing my mind.  I love him to death and I want to be with him, but I have no idea how to handle whats happening.

He doesn't physically abuse me but he def mentally abuses me and I really don't know how much longer I can take it.  I don't want to give up on him and us...I honestly have no idea what to do.  I try to tiptoe around him when I sense he's not feeling good mentally, but no matter how invisible i try to make myself, he always finds something to fight with me about.  I learned along time ago to just ignore him when he's having somewhat of a tantrum and it used to be easy to do, but now I'm starting to realize that i'm over it and start fighting back.  I know it only makes things worse but everyone has a breaking point...and I think i'm finally reaching mine.  

For example.  Yesterday he woke up around 11 am.  I had breakfast made, we ate everything was fine.  He said he was still tired so he went back to bed.  He woke up like 3 hours later and I could tell he was in a horrible mood.  The first thing he tells me is that its my fault he slept so long because I fed him breakfast to early...I mean REALLY?!?  He gets really mad at that point grabs his headphones and goes upstairs listening to music for a few hours.  (I know he needs his space to calm down so I let him).  After a few hours he comes down and makes himself a drink.  He takes a swig and spits it in the sink accusing me of washing the dishes with hand soap...He swears it tastes like hand soap and is now arguing with me about it.  I know for a fact that I didn't wash the dang dishes with hand soap and I defend myself.  He's always has to be right no matter what!  At this point he's really ticked off.  He throws the drink in the sink and stomps his way upstairs yelling and screaming how he's done with everything...and everyone....It really scares me when he says things like that because im not sure what hes going to do..I don't want him to harm his self of me for that matter.  He goes into the room, he's throwing stuff everywhere, punching everything in site, yelling at the top of his lungs...Its driving me crazy...He always says sorry after, but his sorry''s are really starting to mean nothing to me...I just don't know what to do.  I don't want to leave him because he is a great guy when he's happy and I really don't want to abandon him when he is at his lowest...I just just need tips on how to diffuse the situation before it starts...Please help!

I posted a thread on this forum a couple of weeks ago: The longest breakup...ever.

At that time I said he'd constructed what feels like a complex conspiracy theory. Pretty much it's the world against him with a few main players: his mother; his father; his siblings; the church; whoever bothers him, which seems to be everyone; and as I had the bad judgment to get involved with him, me. To what degree, I'm not sure, but I have to admit I saw this pattern of him making himself a victim and feared the worse when I broke up with him.

When it started, he said he'd had some memories come up. This worried me immediately because we've had many a yelling match where he's sworn up and down that I did or said something that I did not. Knowing he's got that trait, I reminded him that he has false memories, and, in the past, I've been able to disprove a few. Most I can't because it's his recollection against mine, and I acknowledge that I don't have perfect recollection and sometimes forget things too. Eventually, he started trying to weave me into his narrative, I told him firmly to not involve me into his theory. I also refuse to engage with him beyond necessary stuff: shopping (which is now off the table - he's on his own), rent, expenses, noise levels, and him consistently sleeping on the couch since I broke up with him. This means when he has a breakthrough or a bit of wisdom he wants to share with me, I don't indulge it.

I know that people with ADHD have impulse control. He keeps having outbursts and keeps trying to talk to me about this stuff. He sits around watching videos and swearing at the TV (no matter what's on - I literally cannot watch a TV show in peace anymore), yelling at me, or yelling at his mother or father by video chat. I've pointed out that this is very similar to people on the street who are having angry outbursts and babbling to themselves. Today he's saying stuff like I'm a "sheep" because I refuse to listen to him or when I engage he's "taking my energy". Actually, when I speak, I'm trying to get through to him. What he's never grasped in the 4 1/2 years we've been together is that I'm very sensitive, so his negativity really does drain me (there is something to that "taking my energy" thing, but not in the way he thinks.) With him, I've been fighting fire with fire. He says something over the top and rude: I hit him right back, which, of course, he doesn't like. I then point out that he can't say messy things and expect it not to come right back at him. I'm not here to be a pin cushion for him. Clearly, my best bet is to just not speak to him unless it's necessary. I'm trying to stick to that.

It's pretty amazing to see how he's coping or not coping. He doesn't see that 1) he's under a ton of stress and 2) he's a narcissist. I say narcissist because everything, including his parents' divorce, is about him. I'm not a psychotherapist or psychologist, so "narcissist" might not be the right term as there might a better description of what's going on.

I told him today that I'll have to take action if I feel threatened.

The bottom line is this: I feel like this narrative might progress to the point where my physical safety might be an issue. It's not now. I can't call the cops on him. There are tons of mentally unstable people on the streets. They're not going to do anything about him having conspiracy theories and being a pain in the a$$ to live with. Currently, he's not threatened me physically. He's always said stuff like wars are good for population control and with this current theory how he's going to kill people he thinks are behind it.

I'm starting to think through friends I can call and, hopefully, crash with should I feel I can't live in the same space. I've not told them yet, but I feel like I'm going to have to very soon.

We still live together. Right now, I'm starting to do research on what I need to do to legally serve him notice. The lease is in my name although, according to him, if it weren't for him I'd not have this place. Not true - I found it, brought him to the viewing, applied, got approved, and put the money down - so not sure how he had much to do with it beyond agreeing it was a good place to move into. He always talked about getting added to the lease, but he never did. Of course, in his mind now that's my fault too because I "didn't help him" get it done. I'm in a can't win situation.

Basically, any tips on deescalating and ways to make sure this doesn't continue to go sideways. At this point, I can only control myself, but I'm reaching out because maybe some of you have experienced something similar.

Thanks.

My husband who has ADD, and I were speaking this last weekend and I felt like we peeled a layer back worth sharing.  I was telling him that the only way I have found not to have an argument with him is when: 1) I don't speak or 2) when I don't ask him or REMIND him (because he already agreed to do it) to do anything.  Here is what he said, please note I SO VERY MUCH appreciate the honesty from him (because it is rare):

Responsibility makes me feel like you are "Putting Something On Me" and that makes me feel "Attacked".

It feels like an "Attack" because I want/need him to do something even though he DOESN'T WANT TO DO IT.

Feeling "Attacked" makes him feel he needs to Defend himself from what I am trying to "Put On Him" or Avoid it all together.  A traditional Fight or Flight response.

The whole thing is just a "Burden" that he doesn't want. 

Then we talk about what he feels are different types of responsibility and he shares his view:

1.  Responsibility that someone "Picks Up".  They typically want to control the situation so they "pick up" the responsibility in order to control it.

2.  Responsibility that is "Given".  This is responsibility the persons wants and seeks.  Ex.  If you do a good job at work, you receive more responsibility, a better position and more money.  Reward based.

3.  Responsibility that is "Placed On You".  This covers all responsibility that is a burden that you don't want and someone hasn't picked up.  

I feel so blessed that he was able to articulate this thought so clearly.  

I believe, "We don't change TRUTH, TRUTH changes us".  This is a hard truth to hear but it just confirmed what I already knew.  He waits for me or anyone to PICK UP responsibility and if we don't, HE certainly WON'T.  No way is he going to touch it with a 10 foot pole.  He isn't that dumb as to put himself in a position to touch it because if he does he might own it and he isn't interested in owning any responsibility other than that with the reward is deemed worthy, in his opinion of his, efforts. 

His goal is to not pick up or have responsibility placed on him.  He is only interested in responsibility given to him at work (but not too much), just enough to keep his job and not advance.  I know from reading on this forum - that is a huge something.  

Does this sound like your spouse?