Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • (N)ever satisfied? by: BigSurprise 7 years 3 months ago

    Hi,

    Today, another thing has occurred to me, another mechanism that I think weighs heavily on my life and my ADHD spouse's.

    I've been thinking a lot how it's possible that she feels so dissatisfied with her/our life so often, when in fact so many good things happen in it. And I think I started to notice a pattern that might be quite revealing.

    Before I explain, here's an example. We're going on a trip. She always does lots of planning, trying to put every possible attraction and place to visit in the schedule, and predict every possible scenario. It's exhausting for her and for me as well. Because of that, she always does her packing at the last minute, because she hyperfocuses on planning so much. Then, when we're on the plane or the train, she's still looking for more places to visit. The schedule gets more and more overcrowded. And one important category is restaurants and cuisine, so, for the sake of this story, let's just stick to this subject.

    So, they way this usually happens is that she'd spend days on end looking for the best places to eat. She reads countless reviews, compares the numbers of reviews, the stars, ponders if maybe the type of cuisine influences the ratings, or is this the objective score, because maybe people like Hindu cuisine more than French, which would explain whe the Hindu restaurant got more stars, while, in fact the French one could be better, and so on, and so forth. She does this when I'm busy working, disturbing me constantly ("what do you think?"; "but there's one person who thinks it's not that good, what do you think?"; "here' read this review"; "I'll send you the link so that you can read it later"; "which one do you prefer?"; "but maybe it's better when they have a beer garden, or would you rather sit inside?"). She does this when it's time to go through security checks, when we're boarding, when we're checking in to a hotel, making these simple steps very messy and complicated sometimes. But I bear with it, because it often results in a great list of places to visit (even though we have 23 restaurants to visit during a 4-day stay and she still believes it's possible). I just try to be patient, participate when I can, and steer her to the nearest exit when she's buried in her phone at the train station.

    She's really happy everytime we go for a meal together, and often is seems like she expects the place and food to blow her mind, like there will be some unimaginable wonders on the plate that we've never seen before. And sometimes there are, indeed. The problem is, her enthusiastic anticipation usually disappears once we step in. And when we sit there, she'll start doing things like answering her phone. "My friend just wants to chit-chat, please let me answer, this will only take a minute", but it usually takes much more, and inevitably leads to her starting a search on her phone because of something the friend briefly mentioned. So now we're hectically browsing for the information on this 17th century Italian composer who had a really interesting life, or doing research on the life cycle of some Australian slug. Another thing that may happens is, she starts talking even before we enter, and focuses so much on it that it never stops. Or starts looking for other places that we should visit as well, because they're supposed to be great too. So, again, the phone, the lists, the stars, the reviews. So the waiter gets ignored a lot, and I'm trying to divide my attention between her chatter and actually pushing this forward, because at some point we MUST eventually place the order (she gets offended if I interrupt her, nevertheless). Then the dishes start coming and I can see she's not even aware THAT she's eating, nevermind WHAT she's eating. I sometimes try to steer her attention gently to that fact ("how do you like your meat? not too spicy"?), sometimes it does the trick, often it doesn't. Sometimes she forgets about the food completely, just keeps chatting over a cold meal.

    That's not very satisfying for me. I'd like to be able to share comments about the place, the food, as we eat and afterwards (when I ask her, she says "I must have been distracted, because I don't actually remember the taste"). But it's not what really bothers me.

    The hardest thing is that after we leave I can see she didn't really find the pleasure in being there. She didn't because she failed to notice the great design, the great waiter, the great food. Or just hyperfocused on one spoon of pea mush so much she's missed the actual bells and whistles. So the whole experience becomes an easily-forgotten blur in her memory, and soon it's like it never happened. Sometimes she's conscious enough of it to comment: "I've wanted to go there for weeks, but because of that fucking phone call I didn't even taste that famous soup of theirs. We must return there, because I really want to try it." But even her memory of her saying that soon fades away too, it's like so many we-musts that just flicker for a second or two.

    And now I'm getting to the point: she's very hungry for those new experiences, but that hunger never actually gets satiated. So the joy of experiencing it never appears. When she has that unique chance to experience it, when she's supposed to, when we're actually there, it's like her brain immediately tells her: ok, been here, done this, what's next. She loses her obsessive interest immediately. She sometimes regains it after we leave. And that, I think leaves her unfulfilled. It's better when she expresses it, because then she can at least say "I'm gonna do it again and next time I'll focus better". But often she is not even aware she's missed it, so she doesn't feel the actual "loss". She just doesn't feel joy when she could. Which, in general, leads to the conclusion we never do things together, that our life is boring, that I don't find enough time to go places, that I don't enjoy time with her. She often expresses these feelings. Which makes me "double-dissatisfied", because I have my own dissatisfaction to deal with, and also deal with hers.

    Before the ADHD diagnosis, I used to think she was just so greedy, yes, greedy for experiences it was almost unbearable. I couldn't wrap my head around it. I used to say "Why can't you just enjoy the moment? Why are you complaining we never go swimming, can't you see we're doing something different now? We're having a walk, you wanted to go for a walk, so enjoy the walk, and then we can go to swimming". But when we go swimming, she's unhappy because we never go for walks. And I think now I get it more and more. She actually doesn't experience these positive things, because she's too busy obsessing with other things. Sho it's like she DIDN'T truly go swimming AND DIDN'T truly go for a walk. No wonder she's so down sometimes, because she never achieves the potential level of satisfaction, yet keeps dreaming about it constantly. She builds so much anticipation, but when the time comes to collect her gratification, she fails. Her brain constantly craves for stimulation, and when it get's that chance, it doesn't because it's so busy craving.

    Seems like a very hard life, really. Disappointing. If joy was alcohol, it's like you want vodka, you get wine, but you feel like you're drinking diluted beer.

    And mine is hard, too, because we don't share the things we should be sharing as a couple. I'm actually doing these things alone, with a distracting and complaining person around, who rarely lets me fully enjoy them.

    I don't know, it's just my rambling again. But I thought it might be helpful to some of you.

  • Weird Lying - What is it? by: vabeachgal 7 years 3 months ago

    Something happened this weekend that made me realize that I've seen a pattern.  A very, very odd and unhealthy pattern.  My husband lies and hides.  All the time and about stupid stuff that shouldn't matter as well as big stuff that does matter.  I've known this for a long time.  When he went to therapy briefly, the only piece of information he gave me was that he determined that he lied all the time to everyone.  (This was supposed to make me feel better because the lies weren't directed solely at me.)  I've posted exhaustively about this and I've stated that a lot of the ADHD symptoms I could live with, but not the lies. I've appreciated Melissa's instructions about lying in an ADHD relationship but intuitively rejected most of it, not because it's not valid  - it definitely IS good straightforward advice- but because it didn't seem to fit my circumstances.  Something seemed off, like this advice and information didn't fit my scenario. 

    It's not the lying and hiding that is odd - it's the way he does it.  He has taken up RC vehicles as a hobby and participates with a friend from work.  Fine.  Good.  Yesterday, while I was housecleaning, he came to me with an RC part in his hand and said sort of weirdly apologetically or deferentially but with a sort of smug look on his face (I wish I could explain this better) that he was going to "run cars" with his buddy and would be back in 2 hours.  He was back in 2 hours.  But.... there is a bar charge on his card today.  Clearly he did not intend to "run cars" but was instead doing something else.  He was at home the rest of the day.  I asked him later how it went and he sort of stalled before answering me, thinking about what to say. Another mutual friend volunteered that he had been at the bar the whole time and had made plans earlier in the day. 

    The weird part is the "prop".  Again, I wish I could explain this well.  It seems premeditated and complicated. He uses physical props and specifically draws attention to them in order to support his lies. He went out of his way to come to me with something in his hand to support a lie.  Something clicked and I realized he does this often.  For example, we got a letter in the mail from our homeowners association, addressed to both of us.  I asked what is was about.  He said it a notice to repair and paint our mailbox.  He then immediately left the house, went to the home improvement store and returned with paint.  He laboriously explained to me about the paint and technique. (The paint is still sitting in the garage with mailbox unpainted and still broken).  Anyway, it was a notice that he hadn't paid our dues for two years, unknown to me.  But instead of telling me he had hidden the bill for 2 years, he created this other alternate scenario, complete with a purchase. One time he was putting a new stereo receiver in his vehicle and took pains to show me and tell me that his buddy got it as a buy one get one deal.  Really???? I'm supposed to believe that?  Especially when I can clearly see where and how it was purchased?  One time he came home, gathered tools, put them in his car and said he was going to a friend's house to fix flooding in the crawl space.  Grievous error.  It was a mutual friend and I also knew she appreciated a nice Cabernet which I thought she might enjoy while dealing with the stress of a flooded crawl space ..... oooops.  She had plenty to say to him about involving her in his lies.  But, seriously, go home and load the car with tools? It's not always about money or whereabouts, sometimes it's about stuff he says he's done or conversations he's had with others. For example, he will lie about vendors paying for nice lunches, then I see a charge go through.  

    I suppose these examples don't carry much weight but it is such odd behavior.  It's like he builds up a whole story to present to me.  That's why I've had a hard time with the "regular" lying in an ADHD relationship advice.  It's not casual, "honest" ADHD lying like, sure I picked up the dry cleaning (I'll get it tomorrow I mean... I forgot. I think we all do some of that.  

    I don't know what to make of this except to say, again, it's more than ADHD and I'm starting to apply unhealthy and unpleasant adjectives to my husband.  More than that, I have zero faith whatsoever that there's a fix for this.  There's too much going on.  WTH???  What is this behavior??? 

    The thing that I've noticed this past year is the look on his face.  He gets a gloaty faint smile.  I think he's happy he thinks he's putting something over on me and I think he takes some pleasure in it - like it gives him a rush or something.  Does it make sense that someone with ADHD would engage in his crazy a*& behavior to get a chemical rush? 

    Anybody?  I've reached a point of objectivity in the relationship where I know I can't fix it and I know it's more a reflection of him than me, but for cryin' out loud !!!!!!  What is this?  Bi Polar?  I think it's a little beyond lying as an ADHD coping mechanism, given the thought put into it, he makes up circumstances. Or does ADHD compromise brain connections to that level?  Of course he can't handle money.  He's not operating on an honest level, it seems. If I call him on this stuff, he gets very angry and defensive or tells me I'm wrong and it "didn't happen like that'  "didn't say that" , etc.  You all know that routine.  I'm at a loss.  He determined in therapy that he lies all the time and he makes up these scenarios WITH PROPS!!  

     

  • Children from former marriages by: frodo 7 years 3 months ago

    I'm non-ADHD wife married to ADHD man with 2 previous marriages, 2 children from each (all adults now).  Being older we have no children from our marriage.  We've had all the usual ADHD problems around  chaos, time, chores, anger outbursts etc, and I can mostly deal with this stuff.  What really gets to me is that I'm the last priority after the 4 children,especially the first-born--this seems to be his primary relationship, and the person with whom he shares his feelings by email (what a bitch he's married to etc).  I just don't seem to count, except for keeping house and occasional sex (I'm not very enthusiastic any more). This is wearing me down so much, that I just feel miserable and depressed, and want to escape.  I just don't feel like I'm part of a couple at all, so what am I doing here?  I can't find any postings on the forum like this, so perhaps this situation is not related to ADHD.  Can anyone relate to this?

  • Non-verbal cues by: BigSurprise 7 years 3 months ago

    Here's another thing that's been bothering me.

    Living in the same space is difficult for many reasons. But being in the same room at the same time, that's the real difficulty. On a very basic level.

    So, for instance, if I need to go through a door, and my ADHD angel is standing there, when I approach her, I need to say: "Please, move aside, because I need to go through this door." Otherwise, it's like she doesn't see me.

    And when I say this, she reacts like she's being scolded.

    This can take many forms. Imagine cooking together, we're both in the same room. If I'm in my mittens, carrying a really hot skillet I've just taken out of the oven, she won't move unless I tell her I need her to do so. If I need to strain the pasta, she won't move away from the sink unless I tell her to. Repeatedly.

    So we keep bumping into each other every turn we take.

    Another thing is that she often freezes when she starts talking. And even though there are some "sensitive areas", where I know she doesn't like talking to much, like the stairway (because the neighbors will hear), if we start talking there, she takes the key out and puts it in the keyhole and then freezes mid-motion, and keeps talking and talking. The heavy bag that I'm carrying from the car doesn't seem to bother her.

    If it's raining and I go to the car with her for the groceries and she starts talking (she really doesn't like me interrupting her), she'll just keep standing there in the rain and talk with her hand on the trunk handle, even though I'm in my home slippers, because I assumed it was only going to take like 15 seconds.

    When there's a door opening inwards, she'll always (and I mean always) stand in the way, so that I need to tell her to move aside so that I'm able to open it.

    It's like she doesn't know my intention, doesn't know what's going to happen in the next 3 seconds. She does this when we're going through a revolting door, for Pete's sake.

    When we're in a restaurant and the waiter comes, she fails to acknowledge their presence. They keep standing there and at some point I feel it's rude to keep them waiting, so I shift my focus, smile, say a kind word, apologize, while she still keeps talking. But she often interprets this as me not listening.

    Sometimes, when I really feel we need to resume the action, I give her a gentle nudge. I always try doing it in a gentle, loving way, putting my arm around her, and just applying slight pressure. This way, she can keep talking and still be pushed into motion. Sometimes, she just mechanically starts walking and it doesn't disrupt the conversation; other times, she'll react defensively - "why are you pushing me?!" Like I'm violating her personal space.

    And, apart from all that, there's two issues I feel are connected somehow:

    1) When I stop occupying some space, she'll immediately annex it. Like if we're in bed, if I go for a glass of water, I find her lying across and there's no room for me. Or we're in a restaurant, and I go to the toilet, her bag is always sitting in my chair when I'm back. And that brings me to another point:

    2) When I say "please, let me return to my space", there's a huge delay. She reacts immediately by saying "ok, I'll remove this bag so you can sit back", but this does not actually happen. It may seem trivial in a restaurant, but if I'm carrying a really heavy bag of whatever and need to put it down immediately at the place she's occupying, it becomes a problem. We've had cases when I had to throw a really hot pan that was starting to burn me on the floor because of that.

     

    I really have no explanation for all of this. While I realize she might get distracted by talking and forget the surroundings, what's with the need to take over all space if that's not necessary and she knows it disturbs me? Seems so compulsive...

    Anyone care to comment? Have you ever experienced anything like this? Does this ring any bell?

  • Around important dates by: BigSurprise 7 years 3 months ago

    Do you feel like your ADHD partner often has the urge to provoke conflicts around that time? I mean Christmas, birthdays, etc.? Because mine certainly does. I've noticed, over the years, we spend those jolly days not even knowing if we're still a couple. It seems like there's excessive need of stimulation that results in uncontrolled anger in my ADHD spouse.

    I thought maybe I don't need to explain this further. If this happens you you, you'll know what I mean.

    Please, share your thoughts.

     

    EDIT: I realized I might have not made myself clear, so I edited the post.

  • Advice on not getting hurt when my boyfriend shuts down by: Maya 7 years 3 months ago

    Hi..I am new here.

    I have a great deal of experience with adhd. Most of my family has it (mother, brother, aunt, cousins, grandmother), and my daughter also has it. I have, however, never been in a relationship with someone who has it.

    I have known my boyfriend since childhood (we're both 33). Allthough our romantic an intimate relationship is new. There has also been a significant amount of years with no contact (both have had long-term relationships, we have kids etc).

    I love him, with no if's or but's. He is the most amazing man I know. He is just...everything. And most of his adhd issues, I handle well..as he does. He is not oblivious to how his behaviour may affect others. What I struggle with, is when he shuts down. He has these periods where he is angry all the time, and his way of handling it, is shutting the world out..that also includes me. The thing is, we don't live together..so when he does this, I feel so insanely alone. And it triggers my issues with fear of abandonment. It also triggers previous experiences from an abusive relationship, so I just feel scared..the result being, when we talk..I crawl, and please, and stroke, which annoys him.

    I know this has nothing to do with me. I know this is his way of coping. I know how his mind races. I know he is jusst trying to do his best.

    How do I talk to him about this, without him feeling attacked? How can I deal with this, so I don’t feel so hurt and alone when he does this? How do I support and help him through it, when he so clearly does not want me to address the issue?

    And no, he is not on any medications.

  • Living together but separately by: BigSurprise 7 years 3 months ago

    Ok, this will be a rant. But also a brief summary of facts. Please bear with me.

    Me and my ADHD spouse have been living separately. We're not married. She blames many of the issues we're facing on this. She says it's complicating her daily routine.

    However, we never really got through that point when you really feel like you could live with the other person, and you truly want it.

    I need to catch my breath from time to time. If that doesn't happen, I'm no use.

    So we have separate flats. Hers is smaller. She says she'd like to live together, "just like any other normal couple". I say we first learn to decide simple matters, 5 minute perspective, and then we talk the big perspective. Then we can move forward.

    Some time ago, she had a period when she was been very stubborn not to come to my place, although it's 3x as big and much more comfortable. I feel this was my "punishment" for not wanting to live together. However, when I proposed to live together, she was very reluctant and said she'd "consider". She never did, as I never got a definitive answer.

    She constantly stresses the toll it takes on her. Like she has to transport stuff back and forth (about half a mile). I keep telling her, please move it permanently. She keeps telling me, "no, because there's no place for me here, I don't have my own space". I keep telling her "the whole space is yours".

    She says it's not middle ground, she's a guest here. I say she's not. She's welcome to move all the stuff she needs, so that she doesn't have to wear my pants and my shirts and my perfume, as every morning she seems to be surprised by the unexpected lack of those.

    She says she want to move together, but then she says she really appreciates the space she can call her own, and it's actually very convenient for her, and she wouldn't like to move.

    When she sees my fatigue, she proposes she'll come back to her own flat for some time to let me restore my health. Yet she insists all our problems are caused by the fact we don't fully share a flat.

    She says she can't learn where the spoons are at my apartment, and where the light switches are, because it's not neutral ground, and she doesn't feel like learning because she's a guest. For over 4 years.

    After the "we live at my place and that's it" phase, she stopped inviting me completely to her place. 6 months ago, she started a huge clean-up, to get rid of the things she didn't need and finally make everything neat and nice and orderly. Since then, she's been ashamed to invite me, which she admits, because she's never finished and it's a huge mess.

    So we live together at my place. Where she still feels a guest. That doesn't mean it doesn't get as messy as her own place, as I've written here: https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/my-experiences-adhd-overcoming-denial. Maybe more, because she's a guest.

    I'm getting blamed for all the mess. Apparently it's because we don't officially live together.

    Things appear and disappear. Although it's a tight space, there's weeks when we only say "hello" to each other, if she's hyperfocused on work. Otherwise, I feel like she's looming around, actually doing nothing, but disturbing my daily cycle. A lot.

    And I still feel I cant move in together with her officially, because even though we spend so much time together, I need time once or twice a week to catch some breath and clean up a bit, otherwise it's a total chaos.

    I'm only doing what's necessary to avoid a mental breakdown. It's hard enough as it is.

    Does this sound unreasonable?

  • "I understood it differently" by: BigSurprise 7 years 3 months ago

    So, here's a story. If my ADHD spouse is late for our meeting, she usually calls me and says she's gonna be late. I want and need to express my dissatisfaction, but also want to be compassionate, because I know she needs that more than scolding. So I put it like this:

    "I am not happy about it and I'm disappointed. I'm not angry, but it does make me feel sad, because I was hoping to meet you and I had planned all my stuff accordingly. Since I don't have any influence on how soon we'll meet, I can only acknowledge it's not going to happen as planned, so I'm going to readjust my plans now, but please know this means some additional trouble for me."

    To my surprise, when she finally comes home, 5 hours late, and reiterate my disappointment, I often hear:

    "But I have told you I was going to be late, and you have told me you were busy and wouldn't have had any time to spend together anyway."

    I then recall my exact words and hear "I must have misunderstood; I understood you differently".

    And I realize perhaps she did indeed, or she had just rationalized it. Can't say which. Seems like a convenient excuse, but I know that's not how it works with my favorite ADHD-er. Still, I think I'm expressing myself quite clearly and it bothers me the message keeps getting lost.

    Any thoughts?

  • Clueless to fight for a man with ADD by: caffinelover 7 years 3 months ago

    I actually wrote a whole story here but I feel it's actually better to ask a question.

    When you're in a relationship with someone with ADD and they don't meet your expectations, what do you do or think?

    Also what do you do, when they do something you dislike that's caused by their condition but you know you always have to be accepting?

  • The world doesn't get it by: BigSurprise 7 years 3 months ago

    Hi Friends,

     

    I've been around for some time, reading your posts and finding great consolation in all the experience you're sharing here. However, since it doesn't make the problem magically go away, I felt I needed to put my two cents in on a topic that I has been really bothering me.

    I've been in a relationship with a possible ADD/ADHD-er for some time now, it's been a few years (hopefully, soon to be officially diagnosed). We're both approaching middle age, but we're still young. She's a caring, loving, very likeable person. We care about each other a lot, and I know she's trying very hard, but it's also very frustrating for me to see that all her effort (and mine) has brought little to no results so far.

    Since the very beginning, weird things kept happening, but it took me a really long time to even start connecting the dots. Once it clicked, it was quite a revelation, since it gave me a direction. I suddenly had all that scientific knowledge to relate to and great places like this board where I could go and discover I'm not the only one having that kind of trouble with the SO. And sometimes simply to convince myself I'm not mad. That when I feel angry, frustrated, tired and burnt out the way I often do, it's a normal way to respond to the ongoing, everyday struggle with her symptoms.

    Since the very beginning, I've had this feeling I'm not coping too well alone, and I also feel quite lonely in my relationship. Because of her absent-mindedness (and sometimes overfocus on insignificant details), I don't really have the feeling we're able to discuss things too deeply and truly come to conclusions, at least not to the point that would be satisfying for me. So I've been talking to friends about it from time to time, if only to blow off some steam. When I discovered what the underlying issue was, I introduced the name ADHD to some of those talks.

    Which brings me to the point: regardless of whether the issue is named or not, it seems like the outside world doesn't really get it. I mean, I can talk a lot, say thing like "X is doing this and that", "it's really annoying for me that X does this", "I fell like I'm drowning in chaos", etc., and the only feedback I'd get is "well, that's X for you!", "yeah, we know she's messy sometimes, but surely you're overreacting", "it can't be that bad", "there's two sides to every story", "maybe you're not listening to her", "it's really hard for me to imagine", and, last but not least, "so she has some really weird ways of doing things, but why do you care? it's her time and let her manage it". I've been getting that from friends, some of whom know her quite well, but also from therapists. It's making me sink even deeper into "there's no hope" thinking.

    On the other hand, I understand this quite well. When she focuses, she can be a good partner in conversations, and her hyperfocus and the occasional interruptions are interpreted as deep interest. If she gets distracted, she's really good at keeping up the appearance of listening, even if she doesn't register a single word. If she talks about our shared problems with our shared friends, she always gives logical explanations for everything, that have nothing to do with ADHD. She can present herself as a victim of circumstance, usually has a wide variety of excuses for every occasion (that she seems to honestly believe in), it's always a "temporarily busy period in her life", and she very often mixes up cause and effect, showing our trouble as a result of my decision, rather than my decisions being the effect of her erratic behaviors. She underplays her mistakes, often saying "I think it's not true", or "ok, that did happen, but it happens to everyone", or "well, I think maybe from time to time it happens to me that I can be late sometimes, but I really don't think it happens so often". Also, she uses lots of "honest lies", like "I understood this differently", where in fact the message was quite clear. But from the outside perpective, it always appears very logical and convincing. So, both the way she communicates with the outside world and the message really create the illusion of a non-ADHD person, maybe a bit messy, maybe a bit absent-minded, but all-in-all, within the limits of what's usually described as "normal". She's often late with deadlines, but covers it up with excuses or speeds up for the final sprint, so it's often "only an hour late" or only "5 minutes late", or sometimes "barely, but still on time" - nobody except me knows what's been going on behind the scenes. She's always very attentive when it comes to looking for possible explanations, so whenever something happens to explain her delay, she uses it as an argument.

    Bottom line: I feel like there's no other person in the world who'd be able to understand this, and I mean truly understand. I can describe dozens and hundreds of everyday situations, but it's still just a description of separate events, it doesn't even begin to cover what it's actually like to be living it. Every time we're together, I feel like I'm in this weird singularity that's sucking out all my energy and strength, where space and time mean something different, and the communication can be an absolute nightmare - it's like the words mean different things, and even if formally we both speak the same language, there's something happening in the communication channel so that virtually every message get through distorted. The simplest, everyday actions like going for a walk, or shopping, can turn into a life-draining struggle. And the simplest decisions, like deciding what shoes to wear, can take long hours and usually mean never-ending debates I'm involved in.

    But when I say I have trouble communicating, or doing things together, or not coping well with the chaos, it always feels like I'm only scratching the surface, without really describing the true nature of the problem, no matter how many examples I give. Sometimes, it makes me doubt myself, because once I'm done talking, it always feels inadequate. And then I sometimes feel like maybe I'm the one with the problem, since, once put in words, those things don't really seem like something to even worry about, and definitely not to be described as a "living hell" that I sometimes feel I'm in. So maybe I'm the one making something out of nothing. It's only once you experience all of them at the same time, with all intensity, frequency and absurdity, that you get this internal understanding of the problem, but I often doubt that's something that can be conveyed. And sometimes I really need to, because I feel like I'm on the brink of madness, and just need to talk and be understood.

    So, my questions are:

    -> Do you also feel like your SOs are really good actors, and may seem pretty "standard" to the outside world, most of the action happening "behind the scenes"?

    -> Do you find the same difficulties with accurately describing your problems? Do you think neither a clinical list of symptoms, nor a lengthy list of examples really describe the issue? That's it a matter of "I feel it" rather than "I comprehend it"?

     

    Anyone care to comment?

Pages