This is my first post and it feels great that other people out there feel the same as I do. I'm not crazy after all. But it's exactly how I feel.

I am the non ADHD spouse with a partner I have been with for 7 years. He has been diagnosed and I am completely exhausted to the point that I feel life has been sucked out of me through a long straw sloooowly. Although the diagnosis has been somewhat of a breath of fresh air, I am frustrated and unhappy. The constant surges of multiple emotional outbursts feel like tidal waves chipping away at a wall over time. His words are sweet, enough to sweep you off your feet but quickly replaced by poison. I can't keep up and no one understands. I can't tell you how many times I have been told by others that the way he behaves is my fault and I'm just crazy. I have heard these words so much that I actually believed it. Especially when it is drilled into me by my partner everyday. It feels like a constant daily struggle just to deal with life and I'm not coping.

Despite what he thinks, he's in denial about his diagnosis and continues to stay the same. This has been part of my frustration. I feel like I am doing all the work (which I have been) and he just sits back. His normal excuse is that he doesn't know what to do. If I do everything I can to help him he won't do what he needs to do and makes all the excuses in the world about why he cant. And if I trust him to do it on his own it goes undone and it's all my fault because I didn't do it. He will use manipulation tactics and act as if hes the victim. He will pout and cause havoc through our family (we have two kids) until he gets his way. If that doesn't work he will talk about it to others (leaving out the truth) to get them on his side and use their words against me. It's his confirmation that hes right. Its not a war over who is right or wrong but to him it is. He will do and say things to hurt me and although I understand that the ADHD symptoms cause him to be impulsive, it doesn't make it hurt any less. We are in constant debt that I try to claw our way out of and then we have another debt. He has a video game addiction that causes problems not only in our relationship, but our family. His excuse is that its a part of who he is as a person and he won't be happy without it.  Not only that but he thinks its okay because it's better than being on drugs or an alcoholic if he wasn't gaming. His friends and family tell him that its okay for him to do that so he thinks it's okay. What's not okay is when our children are upset because hes not spending time with them, not giving them attention and just ignoring them. It's heartbreaking to watch. If hes not playing his games, hes constantly thinking about them, researching different ways of overcoming obstacles and waiting for a chance to play. He thinks that because hes not physically playing the game that it's not doing any damage. 

Talking to him is a nightmare because something i say will make him fly off the handle. I find myself not speaking to him at all in fear of being yelled at and called a b**** for making him angry.

His family are constantly telling him that nothing is wrong with him and its all my fault. They hate me now because i pushed and fought for him to get a diagnosis.

I'm absolutely sure that there is so much missing that I haven't mentioned but for now this is all I can do.

I am at the stage where I don't know if I love this man anymore. I feel ashamed to say that but It's how I feel. I have read the book by Melissa Orlov and multiple others. I have done the research and still feel completely hopeless. I'm feeling like leaving him is the best decision for me and our kids.

As I glanced at this list of symptoms and recommendation's specific to a person with the predominant Hyperactive-Impulsive Type ADHD, it seems extremely clear to me now this is where I belong and fit into the scheme of ADHD and exactly which of the 3 types a person would be diagnosed.  I have to remember, that being on medication for as long as I have, that the medication itself has done a pretty good job of shifting these symptoms or modifying them enough that many of these symptoms have diminished to the point where ( these particular symptoms ) are no longer really at issue.  What I have found however which is not always discussed.....that like anything else, nature abhors a vacuum and if you change one thing in one area, some thing else will likely takes it's place y by default and fill in where that thing is missing.

I have read very little about this aspect of treatment and the effect that has on ( the person with it ) in light of the fact, that the people who are with that person, or those looking from the outside are focused on the aspects that negatively affect them most and are less concerned or shall I say, have no idea what is actually taking place on the inside of that person since there is no cure for ADHD itself, all you can do in reality is change something else to compensate for the effects the ADHD imposes on that person,  and then in turn, comes the modified behavior changes externally that imposes on other people.  If you pause long enough to think about this, it really starts to make sense, and along with that thinking then, what actually changes for the person with ADHD and how does that make them feel?

In a perfect world type hypothetical situation for everyone involved, you might conclude that if all is well on the relationship front for you  ( the non-ADHD person ) then the treatment and medication has been a complete success ( if that was possible ) and not consider te major changes that occur inside that person and then what actually takes the place of "those things"  that are no longer there on the outside, but now, what's happened on the inside ( at the source ) since what is really happening is just a type or form of internal intervention as it were?  That's it really in a nut shell.  What ever you can't self intervene or control yourself, shows up externally and that's what everyone else sees.  And if you have successfully intervened and learned to control these things, then they don't show themselves and everyone is happy....right?  Relation happy you might say....but what about the person with ADHD?  Are they happy themselves and how do they feel about this and where does that leave them?

This is exactly where I am now and that is what I'm asking myself based on now, looking back and reflecting and then looking into the future.  If anything, I think this is what I have personally neglected to do in the past so I 'm now taking inventory to see what I come up with?  If you are so very focused on your spouse, your kids , your job or what ever else you've got going....more often that not, I put myself on the back burner but mainly because I simply do not have enough head space to be thinking about all these things at once and simply stop to take care of myself at the same time along the way?  I've heard this said repeatedly here on this forum so I know this is not exclusive to having ADHD that's for sure.

So....starting from the beginning, and I mean beginning in terms that everyone of these things were a problem for me at one time in my life (all of them ) and to varying degrees of finding ways around them, they either show or don't show any more, but along with what I'm saying, what am I left with and how do I feel about it NOW......right this very minute?  Heres the brief description and to mention since I didn't......the predominant Hyperactive Type appears to be a little less common out of the 3 types that present themselves in the overall diagnosis of ADHD.  Just something to think about for anyone else reading this.

ADHD Hyperactive Impulsive Type

By Jacqueline Sinfield Leave a Comment

Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive ADHD displays itself differently in an ADHD adult than in a child. The characteristics are more internal and less obvious to the casual observer.

Here are 18  characteristics you could be experiencing if you have Hyperactive-Impulsive ADHD

Hyperactivity

1) Always in motion. Even when sitting, you are fidgeting with your hands busy or your feet are tapping.
2) Have a restless/aggravated feeling inside (sometimes to the point of pain) when a social situation requires ‘stillness’ e.g. long conversations, lectures, dinner
3) Multi task (do many things at once) +++ but not necessarily effectively
4) Feel bored a lot of the time.
5) Talk lots!…more than anyone else you know
6) Your mind is always racing and you have millions of thoughts
7) Crave excitement
Take risks in order to relieve boredom and feel alive
9) Drive MUCH faster than the speed limit, particularly on highways.

Impulsivity

10) Experience a low level of self control
11) Feel impatient when dealing with ‘slow’ people.
12) Answer a person before they have finished speaking.
13) Have a reputation for being rude, or not interested in other people
14) Says things without thinking and can offend people.
15)Difficultly understanding other’s personal boundaries (physical or emotional)
16) Unlikely to finish an entire book
17) Act spontaneously. This can put yourself and others in physical danger
18) Prone to addictions

If this is you, don’t be alarmed. There are things you can do to manage these characteristics.

Exercise Pick a  form of hard cardio exercise (that is fun for you) and do it every day. This is an incredible way to reduce hyperactivity. It helps calm your busy mind, burn of excess energy and help you feel grounded and calm

Eat the good stuff. Avoid sugar and ‘white’ products (e.g. white bread and pasta). Also avoid getting too hungry. Sugar, ‘white’ products and getting too hungry all produce huge highs and lows in the blood sugar and exacerbate ADHD. Check the guidelines for an ADHD diet.

Sleep. Getting enough sleep is vital . When getting by on too little sleep you experience things that mirror your ADHD like anxiety, difficulty concentrating, hyperactivity, and increased distractibility

Meditation. Meditation helps quieten your busy mind, makes you feel calmer, less stressed and helps concentration. Practicing it for just 5 minutes each day makes a big difference.

Communication. If you notice that you said something you didn’t mean to, simply say “sorry that wasn’t exactly what I meant say” If you realized you interrupted someone simply say ” Sorry I didn’t mean to interrupt” by acknowledging it you will feel better and so will the person you are with. Instant damage control means there are no hard feelings.

Excitement. Create an exciting life for yourself. Fill your life with fun and engaging people.  Engage in activities that are stimulating and exciting for you. Then not only will you feel less bored, you are also less likely to put yourself in danger or use recreational drugs or unhealthy amounts of alcohol.

When you employ these techniques (and any others that you have found work for you personally) you will notice a big difference in how you function in the world and feel about yourself.

Before I ever knw I had ADHD, it appears as though by intuition or otherwise, I managed to either avoid most of the negatives within reason with a few minor bumps and scrapes but nothing too terrible in more isolated instances and not on going ( but still can stand some work for sure ).....but in the list of recommendations and as a means to help compensate........man, without knowing better I've done a really good job overall, in doing exactly those things right down to the letter....on my own?  Not too shabbby, I would say...without knowing I had ADHD and just listening to my body and monitoring myself constantly and doing what I felt I should do based on how it made me feel?  This was not at the expense of my responsibilities  ( except for cleaning house....my failure in the past that I am working hard on as we speak )

But the one 'STAND OUT"  point, that just jumped out and grabbed me was..."Fill your life with fun and engaging people. Engage in activities that are stimulating and exciting for you. "

 

OMG yes!!!!!!     And why is that?  Because, I am a fun, engaging person, who has a great sense of humor and is passionate and interesting to be around and loves to have fun and find exciting stimulating things to in a wide variety of areas and activities.  These are my pepes......and my life is empty of them?  Where are they now?  I think I need to go out and find me some?  The only thing on the list that seemed rather obvious to me in what is severely lacking?  My pepes?

J

Main question: has anyone had experience with you or a spouse being evaluated for ADHD while serving in the military? 

Hi, I am new to the forum but both myself and my long term boyfriend (we plan on marrying but haven't yet; we live together) have read Melissa Orlov's book. Prior to finding it I suspected he had ADHD mostly by association with my own close friends who are diagnosed and with whom I've discussed life with neurodiverse brains (I'm on the autism spectrum myself). My best guess as a non-professional in this is he could possess the high functioning autism + ADHD combo that is very common among us on the spectrum (in this sense I'm the weird one without ADHD). 

My boyfriend is extremely intelligent, passionate about certain hobbies, ambitious, and a complete space case. The last one has gotten worse and worse as he's begun his active duty military service post-college. He has a very stressful and demanding job as a first tour officer and he's an introvert constantly surrounded by people at work. I empathize with how exhausted he is at home but I also know this could be manageable if he could get some sort of help for the ADHD symptoms he says "explained his life" when he read Ms. Orlov's book. 

My main question is concerning the fact that he's in the military. He absolutely refuses to be evaluated for a possible Dx as he says if he gets diagnosed (likely) and if anyone prescribes him a medication that is banned for his job, he's at risk to lose security clearance or even his entire career. I know this is a huge risk but at the same time his rampant symptoms make us both miserable. He can't focus on his projects or hobbies like he used to. I've done my best to make it better for him but at some point it's out of my hands. 

There is hope despite this as even with the risk he plans to be evaluated after earning a big qualification which he's supposed to get in September. This has been being worked on for this entire calendar year and probably longer and involves him studying for it and putting in long hours. I'm just afraid he may decide to wait until -insert next milestone here- to be evaluated once he gets this one. Procrastination is basically his middle name, especially with stuff he doesn't want to do/makes him uncomfortable. 

Any thoughts are appreciated - thanks! 

I'm glad to see an article on this subject.

https://www.additudemag.com/inside-the-aging-adhd-brain/

Nearly everyone, as they age, declines cognitively and/or physically.    What kind of decline it is matters to how it can be treated, or how one can adapt one's life to compensate the loss of mental or physical capacity.

Having ADHD is no magic protection against also going through general aging mental decline or early dementia, just as not having ADHD is no protection against aging or early dementia.

Perhaps because I'm a decade or two older than many active posters on this board, plus have been through enough years with friends and colleagues to watch some begin mental and physical decline in their midlife or late midlife, while others remain sharp as a tack and/or very vigorous, on into their 60s and 70s, I take the issues of this article as a serious matter.  I strongly believe that to live well into late middle age and on toward the years of being truly aged, you have to do some preparation and thinking about it.  So many posting on this board are already on the cusp of middle age, are middle aged or older.  What will happen in a household in later years, if there is ADHD in the couple?  What happens to someone whose ADHD has never been diagnosed or managed, when old age declines that we all go through add to that person's struggle with life.   None of us are Peter Pan.  Old age is vastly understudied by the medical establishment yet, as the article says. It's possible to live a third of your lifetime, now, among the truly elderly.

So I want to learn from you.  If you're in the process of learning about your own aging, what preparations are you making for its impact on your life?  If it is showing up in your life, how are you tackling it?

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