I think part of the dynamic is when we, the partner without ADHD, imagines that if our partner with ADHD just LOVED us enough and RESPECTED us enough, it would act as some kind of motivator something akin to dopamine or adrenaline or something, to allow them to accomplish what they need to do in order to be good partners and stop torturing us. We imagine that love like a force that can propel them over their hurdles. When that doesn't happen we imagine they just don't love and respect us enough.
We also imagine that if our partners had any idea of how tormenting their ADHD is to us, how overwhelmingly frustrating and corrosive it is, again this would act as some kind of propellant to push them over the hurdles. So we vent our frustrations, but all that does is spur the RSD.
I understand that the ADHD brain works differently but what I still don't understand is why the rational mind with its understanding of consequences cannot, after 10000 incidences, not make a decision to override the ADHD behaviors for the sake of the relationship and the health and wellbeing of the supposedly loved person.
But of course the love itself probably gets worn out, right? Because everything gets corroded in the fighting and frustration.