Hello looking for general support really. I've been with my husband for 11 years. Five of those married. It's the same as everyone else really, we were great until we got married and then he totally changed. We got pregnant quite quickly and he was overwhelmed with the prospect of becoming a dad and I couldn't do or say anything right. Covid hit us hard financially and the loss of work sent him into a depression. I noticed huge mood changes during this time and every 3 months he would say he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me or want our life together. Then he was would come back around and things would be good for a while and the same would happen again. His moods switch so rapidly sometimes it's hard to know what  I said. Issues with my slowness to respond or also me responding too directly in the wrong tone have caused so many issues. Around  a year and a half ago after a breach of trust, he went into the therapy that first suggested ADHD. We then did another year without a formal diagnosis. This year he threatened divorce 3 times during a fight which he started, but apparently I was to blame for. I'm happy to accept I am not perfect but I do struggle with the temper escalation and I am always accused of being aserbic or acidic. I often feel like he has two personalities, one for everyone else and then the split one with me. He works relentlessly which is where his hyperfocus goes. Then when he gets back he either crashes from exhaustion or illness. He won't stick to any exercise routine as works too much and has quite a transient job so he can't find a routine for diet and exercise together. He finally got a formal diagnosis of ADHD combined inattentive and hyperactive at high levels and then he chose not to take the medication (Ritalin). I decided to at that point to end the relationship which was extremely difficult as ii of course love him very much. After a few weeks he wanted to try the medication, and we have started to mend. However he has been hit with an illness that has delayed starting the medication by another two months. And I can feel the anxiety building up in me that I'm relying too much on this to change things. Has anyone else had experience with great improvements in their partner after the medication? Am I pinning too much hope on this? 

Note: I wanted to get my husbands permission before posting so he didn't feel like I was going behind his back. Italicized sentences are things he wanted me to add

I've been hoping for couples therapy for a long time. We both thought it would be helpful but weren't feeling like we could afford it. We have made some big adjustments but something that continues to be really hard are these moments where we have REALLY  different ways of thinking/seeing things. Sometimes that's a perceived hurt like he'll say something that's just really really hurtful, something I feel sure I'm not crazy for being offended at and I just feel like I HAVE to get him to see how/why it was hurtful. Other times it's different ideas for how to tackle a problem and doing it his way just doesn't make sense. Sometimes I feel like his ideas might have an impact on or be dangerous to our kids. 

The event that drove me to seek out a couples therapist was a few weeks ago. I was on a trip to visit my sister. My husband is very very into running. He runs 10 miles every day and can be inflexible about it. before I left we talked about options for running with kids (gym with childcare, expensive running stroller, taking the older kids to their sports camp so he could use the single stroller, etc). He called that first night and said that while he'd run on the treadmill at the gym he wanted to mix it up. His plan for the next morning was to load up our kids (aged 10-ADHD, 7-ADHD, and 2) at 4:30 am and drive over to a sort of remote location (about 2 miles from our house but not near any residences) on BLM land and park near a hill. He planned to leave the kids in the car with the windows down for 60 minutes while he did hill repeats on this hill. Something else to note is that we live in Arizona, and it's hot here all day and all night. It turned out that it was between 70-79 degrees at the time of the workout according to my husband but for me that was one of the things I worried about upon hearing the plan. *He wants me to add that the hill was only 133 meters long...no wait he is google earthing it and it's 80 meters long...this information was not presented to me at the time

I immediately felt this huge pressure to convince him not to go through with this plan. To me there were risks that weren't worth taking, especially when there were other options for running. I said "You can not do that honey you just can not do that". He asked why"?"  I told him there's risks. He asked "like what?" I said, well if you're not seeing the kids just the car they could be fighting in there, messing with the vehicle, getting out and walking away, (our 7 year old has a history of eloping at school, and last time I parked in front of the atm for 5 minutes she got out and was about to go wandering but I was watching her and called her over-husband wants me to add that he has never seen her elope out of a car and she would be fine if she had an ipad) if someone came by and felt like things were off they could call cops or authorities..." He got upset and said I don't trust him and hung up on me, I felt very sure that this plan was objectively unsafe but I also realized in that moment that a lot of our fights happen when I try to make a logical argument to convince him to see things my way. Instead of doing that I just said "Your plan is unsafe please don't do that". He came up with an alternative (taking them at 5 am to the park and putting them in strollers while running laps around park) he kept asking why the initial plan was unsafe and I said I didn't want to get into an argument about it, I texted "to me it seems really straightforward that this plan is unsafe and I'm not sure how to get on the same page about that without an argument". I felt like I had identified an issue to work on in therapy: In order to avoid getting upset in arguments, I need to avoid trying to convince him to see things the way I do, but how do I approach scenarios where I really feel like there is a safety issue and that it's important to get on the same page? So I made an appointment.

Yesterday was our first therapy appointment with this new therapist. During our appointment I told this story. For context, the very first thing my husband said was that I am happy when I get my way and that when I don't get my way that's when we have problems. I told the story. She said it's not fair for me to ask for his help but to expect him to do it my way. She said that it should default to whichever adult is watching the kids. She asked why I don't trust him. I felt so on the spot and so surprised by this idea that I'm not allowed to be concerned about my kids safety in this instance. She said well you have a choice either you can let him do it his way or do it yourself. I said "well my initial reaction to that is 'ok well then I guess that means I can't go out of town'" she said well "why don't you trust him?" She asked what evidence I have that I can't trust him with my kids. I said I do trust him with my kids I left for a 5 day trip without hesitation, but I DON'T trust this particular plan he had. She said I can't dictate how he does things and that not trusting him is questioning his character. We moved on to talking about chores and this idea that I'm super controlling seemed to prevail. (He wants me to include the entire context for this, I had wanted to make this more brief)  I don't feel like my husband was asked to challenge his thinking much. She also hinted that while I had mentioned his adhd impacted our marriage, that it might not be having as much of an impact as I say. I felt so strange and ultimately incredible helpless after the appointment. I don't think I'm a controlling person. We had a little bit of parent/child dynamics going on that I've been working on since taking the seminar. Who I am as a person though is not at all type A, things have to be my way. I came in willing to work on myself but I just thought couples therapy would be we would both have work to do. My private feelings are that maybe she doesn't know what an adhd marriage looks like? It's really hard to articulate the consistent little things that add up to really struggling. I also wonder if I didn't do a good job advocating for myself. I was trying to be very aware of my language make sure I only spoke to my own feelings and not put words in his mouth, while he was being a lot more direct. My husband feels that the appointment went great and that she was really fair and that I'm just upset because I don't want to have to change.  

This is striking a huge chord with me and making me so so sad.I feel like this happens often in our marriage where I earnestly want to make changes for the better and I'm willing to do that...and then he sees it in a completely different way. I don't want to be someone who won't take a therapists advice or who won't listen or change but I also feel like feeling so distraught after and so hopeless is not how it's supposed to feel?  How do I know if my therapy experience was not ideal vs me just not being willing to see my own flaws? 

*Posted with my husbands permission and with his corrections

Guys, it's been one of those days...neither me or my diagnosed spouse had a good sleep, we are both under stress and he committed to plans but then changed them and did not communicate them to me. Which then led to me trying to go about the day to the plans that we made, only to find out - and have a tension filled spat in front of our son - that he changed his mind and then tried to push back and point the finger at me for my frustrations...when he won't acknowledge his role. So once again I have to pick up the pieces of his mess. And a lot of his messes I don't clean up anymore but these types affect me and our son greatly. Behaviour is a language and he's constantly telling me that he's unreliable and untrustworthy. Once I got over the inital flash of anger, I tried to repair and start again after a break & some breathing, only for him to shun me (again, all in front of our son who is incredibly receptive but learning shitty behaviour) and then speak to me in a manner that makes me feel hurt, disrespected and overall just like a pile of s**t. 

I will acknowledge that I'm tired, crabby and the chaos of living with my spouse has taken its toll on me, and my biggest problem is that our (me too!) communication SUCKS. it has sucked from the get-go and continues to go downhill. Something has to change but I don't know what. It's so overwhelming and so easy/familiar for me to point the finger at him but I play a part too. I just don't know how to get out of this part/role in this - truly. I can face my own s**t and I can acknowledge that I'm behaving in a way that I don't like and I'm not living in my values and I'm allowing myself to be treated in a way that I don't like. 

...but damn...how the hell do I even START to get out of this? How do I start to change this? What have you all done? Is it an ultimatium? I'm so DONE lately and I'm tired of feeling like this but because I can't see over the hill that we have to climb, it's so scary to me to take that leap. So so so so scary.