Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Rude or unaware? by: paulabeeee 7 months 3 weeks ago

    My partner works from home and we have all open space living areas, except bathroom lol.I thought it a good idea to get some nice quality headphones so I could listen to ,music, tv, audiobooks , or meditate.and we wouldn't be in each other's space. 

          I think I've created a monster. He puts them on while we're home together, which isn't a problem if we're both doing our own thing. But when we could be talking, or working together on something like yard work, he wears them and that makes me feel bad, trying to use just one adjective. He also wears them in bed, which is fine for falling asleep , but terrible for romance.

          The thing is, he really doesn't seem to get it that it's not good for our communication, I have to tell him pointedly to please take them off so you can hear me.

       So you get the drift, I do really love this man. I know i could try to not take it personally. Any suggestions? Thanks, 

    Paula

  • My abusive ex boyfriend by: sickandtired 7 months 3 weeks ago

    So I got an email from my abusive ex after not hearing from him for almost 5 years. Even though I broke up with him 9 years ago and I have been happily married for 7 years, he is right where he was previously with no apparent ability to move on. He first sent me a video of a romantic song, "Don't Dream It's Over", then launched into a tirade of how I am a monster who betrayed him by leaving, ruined him financially, and turned him away from seeking relationships with other women. He said I have a "pattern" of leaving relationships "after only 10-12 years" because he knew my marriage lasted 12 years and I dumped him after 11 years. Yep, it's still all my fault, according to him, that he's still alone, miserable, and broke without a job..... wallowing in his victimhood. 

  • ADHD partner here who caused a lot pain by: Buffeln 7 months 3 weeks ago

    So I'm in the process of getting my diagnosis, as of next Wednesday I will probably receive the diagnosis because I tick all the boxes for ADHD inattentive type formally known as ADD.

     

    This didn't come easy, I talked to a friend of mine who lives with the same diagnosis and it was in fact a relationship in shambles that got him to seek help and I'm afraid I'm heading towards the same path. 
     

    I have failed and messed up in so many different areas of our lives and relationship that I've caused a significant rift between us and enormous amounts of resentment in my wife. 
    To list some of the things:

    I have forgotten to pay bills throughout our relationship which has caused horrible credit ratings, having our electricity shut off, having bill collectors knocking on our door, having my salary garnished- all of this while having the funds to pay the bills but there's just this switch in my head that just kept on procrastinating and I hated myself for it. 
     

    However I got a spurt of energy and excitement as I was getting the initial interviews for my diagnosis that I decided- let's get ALL OF IT taken care off! So I settled all my debts and bills, however, because I was so ashamed of having put myself in that situation in the first place I lied to my wife and said that I had saved the money. 
     

    This was the last straw for my wife and she kicked me out, she did however, invite me back home but is still fuming. Which is understandable considering I've consistently been inconsistent and unreliable which has caused her a lot of pain, crushed hopes and dreams. She on the other hand has always been reliable and have been the one to do all of the mental lifting in the relationship, all the planning and hasn't ever missed a bill. 
     

    Advising her to just let it go feels demanding, I understand that she harbors a lot of anger towards me, I caused it. I feel a lot of resentment towards myself not having seen the signs earlier, there's so many things both privately and professionally that could have been a lot smoother had I had the diagnosis. 
     

    How do you move past the anger, resentment and pain? I did read the chapter but I would like to get additional resources especially from the perspective of the one who caused the pain what we can do to seek forgiveness. 
     

    Also quick note: English isn't my first language so any grammar or other error is due to that fact.

  • My eyes are open and I'm finally free by: I'mNottheProblem 7 months 4 weeks ago

    I first joined this group 8 years ago, searching for answers about why my relationship with my husband was so confusing, painful, and complicated. I found this group to be a lovely resource, but it still didn't feel like it fully explained what was going on with my marriage. A year after I joined this site, I packed up my children and left my husband. A year after that (he had vowed he had changed), we got back together and had another baby. Three years after that, I realized my heart was too broken, nothing had really changed, and I left again, but this time for good. I was married 16 years, but we were together 22 years total. When I say that what I experienced in that time was soul crushing, that is an understatement. By the time I left, I felt like a shell of a person, I was worn out, heartbroken, and completely out of love. That was four months ago, and for the first time in 22 years, I am now able to breathe, smile, and experience joy again. But I paid the steep price of "sticking it out for the kids", having 2 nervous breakdowns, generalized anxiety disorder, unrelenting physical and mental health problems and kids that were anxious, angry, scared, and out of control. I endured 22 years of what I can now admit was actually emotional and psychological abuse. And I've come back here to tell my story, as I wish someone would helped me when I was so desperately searching for answers 8 years ago. So, in the last 4 months, I have learned about narcissistic personality disorder (don't roll your eyes just yet, hear me out;), specifically the type of NPD called neglectful narcissism, which described my husband to a T. And I also learned that ADHD is present in 40% of those people with with NPD, so I was on the right track, but just missed the mark. 8 years ago I was desperately looking for a reason to explain why he was the way he was, and ADHD seemed to explain a lot, but at the same time, didn't explain why he continued to hurt me. ADHD is not an excuse for abuse. Losing your keys or missing an appointment is not the same as calling your wife "lazy" or "too sensitive". ADHD is not screaming at your kids for being kids, ignoring your needs as a person, and not having empathy. I urge all the people on here that feel like they walk on eggshells all the time, and feel like their spirits are being crushed in their relationships, to look into the work of Dr. Ramani Durvasala (edited - links removed). 

    I'm only sharing this because it could be life saving for someone on this forum. Through her book I have learned that narcissistic people will use you for their daily "supply", and when you are focusing all of YOUR attention on "fixing them" it keeps you stuck in their supply chain and doesn't fix them at all. It just keeps you more stuck in the cycle of explaining, excusing, and blaming something else for their sheer lack of interest in you. I tried 100x to get him to "see" what I could see, but HE DIDN'T CARE. He would actually say, "ok, so I have ADHD", that was IT. And he had NO INTEREST in fixing our marriage, addressing his struggles, he wanted only FOR ME TO GET HELP. He was convinced that there was something wrong me me! It's insanity. The ONLY thing wrong with ME was HIM. I can see that clearly now! I can also attest that although not easy, my kids are happier, less anxious, and more loving towards me now that we are in a safe space and away from him. I'm absolutely not on here to preach, gloat, or make anyone feel bad. In fact my hope is that if I can help one person, then it is worth it. Working with my therapist, I have also discovered that my mother also has NPD, (she is the self-righteous sub type for anyone still reading this, haha), so naturally I selected a partner with similar and familiar qualities, lucky me!. If you find you also have people in your inner circle that have similar characteristics as your partner, look into Dr. Ramani's work, she has a lot of amazing youtube videos, and she is really brilliant. Let me also say that my husband wasn't this evil monster, he is perceived as a "nice" and "good" guy, that has a well respected job and people seem to like him. But I got to see a different version, and it wasn't what I needed in my life. I'm finally choosing me over him. Please, put yourself first, I know it is hard, but I believe in all of you! "May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears"-Neslon Mendela. It's ok to have hope, and I hope this post will bring clarity to someone who is tired of existing in a confusing and hurtful life. Take care of yourselves!

  • non partner burning herself out, unsure how to help by: alphabetdave 7 months 4 weeks ago

    ADHD partner here - first of all I want to acknowledge that every ADHD marriage will be different, so I don't claim to speak on behalf of your ADHD partners/ex partners - I'm just concerned for my own non-ADHD partner and I'm not really sure how to address it.

    Essentially it feels to me like she thinks she has to save everyone else from their chaos - because no one else will, but that this is an expectation she puts on herself, not something I feel like everybody else actually wants her to do (especially not if they saw how it was affecting her)

    I think this is how a lot of the parent/child dynamic in our relationship came about - over the years, especially before ADHD was even on our radar, I repeatedly showed "I'm not capable of doing X" so she'd decide that this was something she had to do for me, to make sure it got done, and I guess this is where I as an ADHDer find it hard to agree - I find it hard to get board with the mindset that "the thing getting done" is an absolute imperative, and "the thing not getting done" is always an objectively unacceptable outcome and to be avoided at all costs. I get that "the thing not getting done" might create consequences - I'm also fully aware of the fact that sometimes these consequences are unacceptable, and as such there are times when the thing absolutely has to be done, but it feels like she takes on the burden for absolutely everything - even stuff that should reasonably be allowed to slip.

    To give you some fairly trivial examples -

    She used to iron my shirts for work - which might sound like a very odd complaint because clearly, I wasn't going to get around to it myself (not a gender thing at all btw - I don't have anything against doing the task, I'd just never find the time) and it was clearly a burden on her time but the thing was - I didn't even want them ironing! At the time I was riding my bicycle to work every day, with said shirts folded in the pannier bag, and by the time I got to work and was dressed for work, it may as well have not been ironed at all. I did tell her this and she kept doing it anyway, insisting that she was just helping me be more presentable at work but, I genuinely would rather she just ditch this task and spend time doing something she wanted to do instead. In the end it became a moot point because after COVID, dress code at my work disappeared overnight so it's pretty rare that I wear a shirt anyway (feel free to agree or disagree on whether or not shirts absolutely should be ironed - the frustrating thing for me was not having a say in the matter)

    Bins. Emptying the bins is my job and always has been, and obviously I occasionally forget, but over the years what this resulted in was - the vast majority of the time, I do remember to put the bins out - but, she still reminded me, just in case. Which I didn't have any issue with as long as she was just trying to be helpful, but what it also meant was that whenever an argument came up, she'd say "you can't even put the bins out without being reminded". Ultimately I don't want her to decide "he's clearly incapable of doing this so I need to make sure the thing gets done" - taking responsibility for the bins, to me means taking responsibility for the consequences if they don't get done. Maybe the bins are full and I'll need to actually take rubbish (trash for you in the US lol) to the tip (dump?) until the bins do get emptied again. I'm happy to accept that as a consequence, as it's a direct consequence of where I failed to do something, whereas I don't want her to decide that yet another thing needs her involvement because it absolutely has to work perfectly. (We've made some progress on this - I have a google calendar reminder to do the bins, that I set up - on the agreement that this is my reminder and she doesn't need to do this any more)

    Anyway - if this was just limited to our marriage it'd be one thing. I'd still want her to give herself a bit of a break but it's also:

    - people at her work have downright unreasonable expectations of her but she does way more than she could be expected to anyway because she has to "keep the peace"

    - someone in her family asks her to do something that she really doesn't have time to do (and I expect if she just tells them this they will accept it and go elsewhere) but she fits it in anyway

    - we're on various rotas at church and every so often someone can't do what they're supposed to be doing, and she almost always ends up covering because no one else offers at first

    And other examples I'm sure

    My wife is amazing and I do appreciate everything she does but it's too much for her. She has this attitude of "if I don't do it no one will" - is it terrible that I just want her to "let the **** hit the fan" (I'm not sure what your swearing policy is here lol) every so often, just to see how bad it really is? Sometimes to see if that thing really needed to be done at all, but other times so people can actually spot that there's a problem and she doesn't just bail them out all the time. I do know that my ADHD causes it's own issues in our marriage but this kind of feels like a separate issue to me, even though evidently it kind of feeds into the ADHD issues and how she deals with them

  • Undiag ADHD spouse finally decides to get help possibly 16yrs too late by: The Bull 8 months 1 day ago

    Hello everyone, possible ADHD spouse here. My wife and I met at the end of our teen years, met on Myspace, from similar places, know the same people and we fell in love. Per the book she fell in love with the un-diagnosed ADHD spontaneous, quirky, funny, loving guy who would give her an amazing/rough 16yrs like many ADHD and NON relationships. Financially we were never too far from the edge, having kids a 6 years after meeting one another meant I would raise them in the morning then work nights. Fast forward to 2019 with our second child she looses her job and to compensate I start working on cars out of my garage + a full time job in the medical field. Soon after COVID hits and down we go for another year. She's diagnosed with anxiety and prescribed Wellbutrin which worked until she felt like it made her gain weight (which should not) but discontinued, when she was I noticed this difference but she was back to her anxious self after dropping. I continued working 8 + 3 hours repeatedly, many times this creating stress and fights because of my absence. Fights that I would forget their damage as soon as we were doing better, we had great times and celebrated many happy moments. She got a great job after and has been growing professionally for the past 3 years. I've been stuck at the same place for the past 11years but this has created a great schedule with plenty of PTO and weekends off. 

    This year we were hit with that our rental home is getting sold and we could purchase only if we had a 25% down (HOA did not have reserves) which was 63k. This cause what I like to believe was hyper focus. We started to put all of our money together but we were still short 15k, all of those years of working on cars started to pay off and started to get us closer and closer to that goal. We still had about 5k short now and she started to physically move this money to get ready but I procrastinated once again saying we still had time (6 months). She asked for me to start pulling the money from the savings and week after week I failed, In my head I wanted to hit the goal first since we were so close. I even got to the point of telling her it would not pass that week and it did, met with another sorry which just possibly sealed that coffin and I was oblivious about it. 

    She gave me separation news 3 weeks ago, moved with her mother, we started the process of taking the kids certain days and what not but everything else has been such a downward spiral is hard to keep a positive outlook to this. There might not be any saving. 

    I got into therapy and started seeing a psych which diagnosed me with anxiety and depression, given Wellbutrin which had a minimal stimulant effect but that a true ADHD test needed to way until a full month of this to make sure Im level enough to take the test. I scored about 90 Yes on a 128 question quiz. Today we had a better talk but a hard one, she's buying her own apartment, that this separation will end in divorce and she's only open to marriage counseling as long as I enter with the understanding that we're not getting back together. 

    She initially told me she's keeping her heart open, many things are changing, and that she's working with her therapist to find out why she exploded the way she did.

    I listened to Melissa's book which I'm sure many here know the initial relief and feel like it's the only hope left at explaining her feelings and provide support for if she wants to turn things around. 

    I am having a hard time waiting, 3 weeks have felt like 3 years, 2 more weeks of waiting for psych feel like will mark the end. I told her I found this book but that I dont want to tell her just until I'm certain with my Dr. of a possible diagnosis (didnt inform her of what). I want this to be as fair as possible as I feel like pushing this without a diagnosis would be the most ultimate sign of disrespect but also possible unwilling to maybe accept a certain fate. 

    I am part of those who put their happiness in their relationship and lost my identity by helping others and leaving myself for last. Folks tell me to focus on me and my dreams and I feel so terrible at not being able to tell them what those are. 

    PS: My entire father's side of the family are neurodivergents, 4 cousins with ADHD, 1 uncle with a severe case who is divorced, my oldest son has ADHD since 5, quite possible my youngest as well. I was raised by a generation who did not believe in mental health and if my symptoms did not aling with severe cases I did not have it. Looking at my life history and reading Melissa's book depicts ADD.

  • Motor without a soul by: Swedish coast 8 months 1 day ago

    New insights after divorce from ADHD partner. Now it's become clear my life has for the past decade become so little about my inner self that mostly what remains is initiative and execution. 

    I've had little or no help with this. I've done it for the entire family and I keep on doing it. Every moment I spend working on something and wondering whether I should be prioritizing something else instead.

    I've lost my sense of self-worth. Planning summer vacation is impossible, because I don't know how to rest or to be happy. I can only create plans and execute them. I have no inner life, only problems to solve. I can't enjoy spiritual things, fleetingly nature, art sometimes, not music. I don't rely on anything good happening to me, I believe I have to create it myself. I try to avoid burdening other people with my presence.

    This is the lasting impression ADHD has made on me. 

  • "self-absorbed" or "now-absorbed"? by: alphabetdave 8 months 6 days ago

    I've noticed a lot of talk about ADHDers being "self absorbed" which to be honest, really surprised me - having connected with lots of other ADHDers over the last year or so, the general vibe is that they make up some of the most empathetic, supportive, self-sacrificing groups of people I've ever known. 

    However.. I imagine a lot of this is because of our mutual experience and understanding of each others issues. But something that commonly happens in the peer to peer support group I'm in is, when one of us is struggling is, we step up and support that person. Not necessarily everyone in the group, often some of us have a lot of stuff already on, in that moment those people effectively ignore the whole conversation, but no one else minds because we understand that this is the way we are - we have good days and we have bad days. We don't lack compassion, nor do we lack empathy IMO, what we fundamentally seem to lack is an ability to be proactive - we're almost always reacting to something - whether it's our own feelings (hence appearing self centred), someone else's feelings, a notification on our phone, or the internal chaos in our brain. 

    I think where we really struggle is not so much, caring about other people - a lot of the time we care immensely (please bear in mind I'm speaking for myself and also generally, I'm not speaking on behalf of your specific ADHD SO at all), it's handling being asked to be something different than we are- to be proactive rather than reactive. Being told that we don't care because we struggle with proactivity. Sometimes this isn't even explicitly said, but it's been said so many times before that any kind of criticism of our now-centredness puts us firmly on the defensive.

    I have a few ADHDers in my life that I have very good mutually supportive friendships with, so I really struggle with the idea that we're so self absorbed that we're unable to care about anyone else - and it's even possible to "hack our brains" into a crude form of proactivity by just, setting up things for ourselves to react to (calendar reminders always work for me, if it's in Google calendar it's happening whether it's a one off thing or a weekly reminder). I do understand why ADHDers might give off this impression though, and I also don't doubt that there are some ADHDers who are in fact very self centred - like I say this isn't intended to write off anyone's bad experience with an ADHDer, just a common subject I thought worth bringing up as it feels a little like we getting written off as incapable of empathy at times. I think in some ways it's very hard for ADHDers and non-adhders to have empathy for each other in either direction

     

     

     

  • So is this place mainly a non ADHD spouse peer to peer support group? by: alphabetdave 8 months 1 week ago

    It's fine if this is the case, I've personally benefitted massively from peer to peer support with other ADHDers, I know how incredible it can feel to be understood by people who've experienced your struggles, and I don't doubt that anyone married to an ADHD spouse has had more than their fair share of struggles. I ask mainly just for clarity

     

    Having read Mel's book I was just under the impression that the idea here was to find a way for marriages with ADHD in the mix to work, and as an ADHD spouse who really wants my marriage to work I wasn't anticipating the sentiment towards ADHDers around here to be so, well, bleak..

     

    I've left several comments around the forum too, mostly just responses to my own other thread but a couple of others, mostly just to try and encourage the other ADHD spouses who seem to be dotted around here - the ones that are here because they genuinely seem to want to try (I mention this to differentiate them from the various horror stories on here of being married to ADHD - none of which I doubt). So far none of these comments have been approved in a few days despite comments appearing on more recent threads -  and I'm reluctant to read too much into that because I've no idea how the approval system works but - is it fair to assume that ADHD spouses simply aren't welcome here? I ask this not as an accusation - you guys on the other side deserve a safe space, it's just not particularly made clear until you start trying to engage/reading posts. 

     

    Genuinely wish you all the best- whether you feel completely stuck in an ADHD marriage, you're glad to be out of one or you're working on things and they're getting better. I know we're not easy to deal with, particularly as partners

  • The Silent Suffers by: c ur self 8 months 1 week ago

    Emotional abuse may be the least recognizable (by others) form of spousal abuse...Putting it simply, it's the product of a person filling a vowed space in another person's life, w/ little to no concern for the needs of that person...It's total emotionless apathy...It's laziness and indifference toward their God given spousal responsibilities...People who are capable of this level of indifference or usually blindly self centered...When a mind is so dominated by "Me" thinking, that mind will never be fit for a healthy relationship that will always require awareness, and an ability to put, and keep, their spouse as their first priority...The reason this community of people exists is because there are minds and personalities that are completely incapable of ever having a healthy attachment...So the attributes endured by being on the other end of this behavior, draws us to a place for understanding and emotional support....I'm so thankful y'all have been here for the past 12 years....

    Bless you all...

    c

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