Hi all,

first post here. I (M, non-ADHD) have a wife who has not (yet) been diagnosed, but shows all the symptoms of ADHD and RSD. Together for 16 years and 3 kids. I have read both books from Melissa, as well as another book (Is it You, Me or ADHD), and 2 other books to work on myself to deal with the parent-child pattern better and take care of myself and my own boundaries better.

For us I think there is a whole lot of unspoken frustration on both sides, so I believe that — even if she would not be diagnosed or treated — a lot could be gained just by communicating more, better and being much more transparent about our own feelings and emotions, and also ask the other about them more. So, even though I have feeling of neglect, not being loved and not being shown interest or attention from my wife for years, I do try to stay positive. "Be the change you want to see in the world" is an inspiring quote to me, and I always keep asking myself "have I done the best I could to make the situation better", and I think at this point I have not. The situation is very very frustrating at times, I absolutely do have to admit, and I would not be surprised if ultimately it does not work out, because I am not the "next shiny thing" anymore. Anyway, I want to give it a shot...

My main question for now is this: my wife regularly shows signs of RSD. It can be the way I look, my voice, mentioning something completely neutral but she starts rolling her eyes to leaving the room or stop talking to me. Or if I just express my opinion and it's not the same as hers. Or, just not understanding what she means when she says something because she forgot to mention a step, or something can have multiple interpretations. Asking what she means has already a high probability to cause annoyance or anger on her side. So, I really do have my fair share on RSD on a very regular basis, unfortunately. But... I try to stay positive (don't get me wrong, I feel absolutely terrible at times because of the whole situation). Now say, I make the decision that her RSD behavior is her responsibility, not mine, so, I can choose not the get sucked into the situation (I try, not easy) and stay calm (also not easy, especially if your buttons are being pushed, or she responds to such small things that I am sometimes speechless as to how completely opposite it is from how I would respond). And so, if I would choose to respond with compassion, and empathy. After all, she's very likely "suffering" from the whole RSD as well. How would I do that? What would I say? How to express yourself in a compassionate and empathetic way? I am struggling to figure out how. Especially since everything is so sensitive. Or is it just basically impossible? My wife does often walk away and if I want to talk about it or try to understand it, she firmly keeps saying "never mind... no... you don't have to say anything". 

How do I break this pattern? Can I do something? How?

Thanks!!

So I am leaving him finally, my ADHD husband. I don't know how. Right now I am staying at a friend's house. I have no idea what I'm going to do next or how I will move forward but I am certain that I must leave. 

The reality is that this will never change and that he has been slowly sucking the life out of me for years. This ADHD thing, along with other deep traumas he has, and maybe some narc issues as well, it is all far too much for any woman to handle. There is no woman who would have stayed with him as long as I have, which is 13 years. I know his ex wife and she went through everything I'm going through. She left him after 11 years. 

He has been to therapy and as long as he keeps going, there is some improvement. But his therapist is not available and he hasn't been in months, and everything is getting worse. 

The thing is that he just seems so crazy to me. So emotionally disregulated and incapable of self control. So willing to put me through hell. 

The last thing was about puppies. We have these puppies someone dropped at our door. Three of them. And we have them in the mud room and they are shitting everywhere. So we got puppy poop papers to put on the floor. So he brings the puppies inside after they had been out all day in the garden, and he does not put the papers on the floor. I had been working hard in the garden and I was exhausted (he never helps me in the garden), and I come in, and he is watching TV. I ask where the puppies are, he says in the mud room. I ask if he put the papers down. He says no. I, frustrated, say, you have to put the papers down! I say, if you don't put them down, fine, if you want to clean up the poop.

Well. That was it. He is triggered. He is reactive. And we're off to the races. He yells at me that they are my responsibility, which is ridiculous. I say they are OUR responsibility, I didn't personally receive these dogs. He storms out. 

I decide to walk the big dogs, give him some space to calm down. When I come back after half an hour, it's hard to tell if he's over it. But it seems he is not. So I sit down on the porch with him and ask, are you still pissed off? And he says, sarcastically, no, why would I be?

So now I see he is not going to have a mature conversation with me, he is going to escalate it and drag me through some more emotional hell. So I ask him to please not do that. I tell him I am too tired to deal with it. I invoke some of the therapy that he's learned in order to have better communication. And he angrily says, I don't need a lecture from you! And he gets up and storms off.

All of this over puppy papers.

And soon it will be something else, and something else, and something else, and something else.

This came just a few days after the last fight where he emotionally attacked me in a really controlling way. He later apologized, because he always eventually realizes he was wrong. But not until he puts me through hell.

The horrible problem is that my life is 100% enmeshed with him because we also work together. We have a beautiful home that we have built together. I have absolutely nothing outside of this situation. I have no cash savings, I have no other job. And after all these years I am so exhausted from him that I feel like a flattened piece of clay. I have lost myself totally in this relationship and I don't have any motivation or desire for anything except rest.

I wish there was someplace people like me could go to just rest for a few months, to get clarity.

I think it is impossible to know how to get out, how to get to the next step, without some time for rest. 

It's possible that the only way for me to do this is to basically jump off a cliff. Just buy a plane ticket and go far away, destroy my entire life and start new. Because otherwise, every single time, I get immediately sucked back into the same patterns with him. I mean, I could stay here and try to slowly carve out some other paths and opportunities for myself, but I am afraid if I do that he will suck me back in and I will fall into the complacency that so easily sets in because everything else is horrendously exhausting and scary.

Why do we always have to wait for things to become entirely unbearable before we decide to leave? It's amazing how much we can put up with.

The thing is that he loves me a lot in his way, but he is just a mess. And he's not young. It isn't going to change. And I am getting older as well. If there is any hope for me to have peace in my life, and maybe even find a healthy relationship, I need to go. 

I feel like I am caught in tar. 

I would like to hear from people who got out of their relationship and how they did it. 


 

So I got an email from my abusive ex after not hearing from him for almost 5 years. Even though I broke up with him 9 years ago and I have been happily married for 7 years, he is right where he was previously with no apparent ability to move on. He first sent me a video of a romantic song, "Don't Dream It's Over", then launched into a tirade of how I am a monster who betrayed him by leaving, ruined him financially, and turned him away from seeking relationships with other women. He said I have a "pattern" of leaving relationships "after only 10-12 years" because he knew my marriage lasted 12 years and I dumped him after 11 years. Yep, it's still all my fault, according to him, that he's still alone, miserable, and broke without a job..... wallowing in his victimhood. 

I first joined this group 8 years ago, searching for answers about why my relationship with my husband was so confusing, painful, and complicated. I found this group to be a lovely resource, but it still didn't feel like it fully explained what was going on with my marriage. A year after I joined this site, I packed up my children and left my husband. A year after that (he had vowed he had changed), we got back together and had another baby. Three years after that, I realized my heart was too broken, nothing had really changed, and I left again, but this time for good. I was married 16 years, but we were together 22 years total. When I say that what I experienced in that time was soul crushing, that is an understatement. By the time I left, I felt like a shell of a person, I was worn out, heartbroken, and completely out of love. That was four months ago, and for the first time in 22 years, I am now able to breathe, smile, and experience joy again. But I paid the steep price of "sticking it out for the kids", having 2 nervous breakdowns, generalized anxiety disorder, unrelenting physical and mental health problems and kids that were anxious, angry, scared, and out of control. I endured 22 years of what I can now admit was actually emotional and psychological abuse. And I've come back here to tell my story, as I wish someone would helped me when I was so desperately searching for answers 8 years ago. So, in the last 4 months, I have learned about narcissistic personality disorder (don't roll your eyes just yet, hear me out;), specifically the type of NPD called neglectful narcissism, which described my husband to a T. And I also learned that ADHD is present in 40% of those people with with NPD, so I was on the right track, but just missed the mark. 8 years ago I was desperately looking for a reason to explain why he was the way he was, and ADHD seemed to explain a lot, but at the same time, didn't explain why he continued to hurt me. ADHD is not an excuse for abuse. Losing your keys or missing an appointment is not the same as calling your wife "lazy" or "too sensitive". ADHD is not screaming at your kids for being kids, ignoring your needs as a person, and not having empathy. I urge all the people on here that feel like they walk on eggshells all the time, and feel like their spirits are being crushed in their relationships, to look into the work of Dr. Ramani Durvasala (edited - links removed). 

I'm only sharing this because it could be life saving for someone on this forum. Through her book I have learned that narcissistic people will use you for their daily "supply", and when you are focusing all of YOUR attention on "fixing them" it keeps you stuck in their supply chain and doesn't fix them at all. It just keeps you more stuck in the cycle of explaining, excusing, and blaming something else for their sheer lack of interest in you. I tried 100x to get him to "see" what I could see, but HE DIDN'T CARE. He would actually say, "ok, so I have ADHD", that was IT. And he had NO INTEREST in fixing our marriage, addressing his struggles, he wanted only FOR ME TO GET HELP. He was convinced that there was something wrong me me! It's insanity. The ONLY thing wrong with ME was HIM. I can see that clearly now! I can also attest that although not easy, my kids are happier, less anxious, and more loving towards me now that we are in a safe space and away from him. I'm absolutely not on here to preach, gloat, or make anyone feel bad. In fact my hope is that if I can help one person, then it is worth it. Working with my therapist, I have also discovered that my mother also has NPD, (she is the self-righteous sub type for anyone still reading this, haha), so naturally I selected a partner with similar and familiar qualities, lucky me!. If you find you also have people in your inner circle that have similar characteristics as your partner, look into Dr. Ramani's work, she has a lot of amazing youtube videos, and she is really brilliant. Let me also say that my husband wasn't this evil monster, he is perceived as a "nice" and "good" guy, that has a well respected job and people seem to like him. But I got to see a different version, and it wasn't what I needed in my life. I'm finally choosing me over him. Please, put yourself first, I know it is hard, but I believe in all of you! "May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears"-Neslon Mendela. It's ok to have hope, and I hope this post will bring clarity to someone who is tired of existing in a confusing and hurtful life. Take care of yourselves!