Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Husband and I Disagree about what "fun money" should be used for by: Rouge77 5 months 4 weeks ago

    My husband and I have had the same system for our finances for about ten years now.  We put all of our income into our joint checking account and each week an allowance of $30.00 is transferred to our own personal checking accounts.  This becomes our personal money that we can spend on whatever we want without question.  My husband just received two bonuses through his job, one for several hundred dollars and one for a couple thousand dollars.  I already knew about the one that's a couple hundred dollars and I agreed that that bonus could go to him personally because it was for work that he did outside of his job.  Today he came to be about the one that is a couple thousand.  He said that he wanted to use some of it to get some new clothes.  I told him that I remembered him saying that he really needed a new phone, so I'd be OK with him using some of that money to get a new phone, but I'm not OK with him spending the money on new clothes.  He's unhappy with me because of this.  He said that he thinks that his "fun money" should be used for things that he wants to by.  He says that he doesn't want to buy clothes, but since his clothes are wearing out and they don't fit anymore that he needs to buy new clothes and since it's a "need" then he shouldn't have to use his personal money for that.  I told him that in my opinion, there's too much variety when it comes to buying clothes for that money to come out of our joint budget.  I said that he could buy clothes at the thrift store or wait around for big sales in the off season to buy clothes.  He could also use 60 of his 120 dollars that he gets a month to buy an item to two (or several depending on how he chooses to purchase them) and still have 60 dollars left over!  

    To me this is an issue of financial responsibility and a lesson in planning rather than an issue of needing something that he can't afford.  But the problem is that we don't agree and he thinks that it's just me who thinks this way and that means that I'm controlling the finances and keeping him from spending money that he thinks he has the right to spend.  I'd say this comes up about twice a year (when he notices that he doesn't have much to wear) but his actions don't change and he finds himself in this pickle again and again

    Any help that can be offered in navigating this situation would be appreciated!  We just started seeing a couples counselor to help with our communication, so I'm planning to bring this up there too. 

     

    If it helps my husband has been diagnosed with adhd and currently takes a non-stimulant medication. 

  • What's the best response when your ADHD Spouse uses ADHD as an excuse? by: ADHDSpouse91202 6 months 22 hours ago

    Does anyone have a good response for when your ADHD Spouse uses having ADHD as an excuse?

    My spouse and I are in the middle of buying a house. They were upset with me because I left a blank document that needed to be filled out at work for a day even though she takes much longer than that and needs me to remind them of basic things like getting paystubs and submitting expense reimbursements routinely and regularly and then uses ADHD as an excuse.

  • How do you breathe in between the chaos?! by: Peacefull111 6 months 1 day ago
  • As an ADD/ADHD person how would you react on verbal misbehaviour? by: bnslr 6 months 1 day ago

    Hey everyone.
    Got diagnosed beginning of 2024, and now in my late 30's.

    How would you react or what do you feel when your spouse tells you to grow some balls, to grow up or even to say to you you know what. I will go **** (edited) somebody else just so you can feel the loneliness and the emotional abuse you caused me throughout these two years of being together.

    It was actually her that spotted some things that were related to ADHD and damn was she right on this :)
    I **** (edited) it up a couple of times and things got heated. I always keep calm but it's hard to talk in general about feelings and how I feel, emotionally.
    When I'm pushed i'm pushing away and my focus goes way elsewhere. It's already a long story and I'm glad that I'm learning about all this. But I still have a very long way to go.

    When I'm getting belittled for example. I keep calm for a very long way. I try to tell that it's not like this, or that I don't felt it this way. That's not what I meant etc etc.
    Well this gets my spouse so angry as for also today, that she starts to belittle me, shame me, play with my weak spots and damn it hurts so so so much.
    When I was young when things weren't working as I wanted even if it was a stupid video game I could burst into anger and destroy "things" as I would never ever ever hurt a person or an animal :(

    Today she got me again SO far that I ruined our cooling fan. And oke. I fixed it :)
    But today I'm in a moment where I will not go on with this and that it's better to stay alone. From anyone actually, and there's the shame of my hyperfocusses from weekends as i'm going "pfff" again through a stress and burnout stage from my work that is not giving me the joy or dopamine anymore (after only one year)

    I'm fed up with myself and my environment.

    What's your cup of tea guys and gals?

  • I suspect my husband has ADD but he is in denial by: scoullard@outlo... 6 months 2 days ago

    Does anyone have any advice on how I can help my husband see the ADD signs that I can see he displays? We have a 19 year old son who was diagnosed ADHD when he was 5 (so I understand ADHD challenges). My husband had no issues excepting our son's diagnosis. But when I bring up the topic that he may have it too, he brushes it off as a non-issue. I believe it is the reason for several of our marital issues like, arguing & financial problems. He has a business but hasn't been paid in a year because of poor decisions years ago.  We have had issues for years and now I am fighting off anger and resentment towards him daily. Not sure how much more I can take. Relationships require work and I feel like I'm the only one working at it. I could really use some advise from those who can relate to my situation. Thanks

  • Having the trifecta:- depression + anxiety + ADHD...how to cope? by: Off the roller ... 6 months 4 days ago

    hey all, my spouse (recently dx ADHD last year) is really struggling and I find myself getting more and more frustrated with him. He has anxiety, depression (the chronic, hardcore kind) and ADHD. His brain spins out all day, every day. He's addicted to his devices. He doesn't exercise and he doesn't eat right and he doesn't look after himself. Most days I can't believe that his body allows him to function.   Every day for our house is ruled by his emotions and feelings and whichever of his challenges wants to rear its head that particular day. And its a crap shoot for the rest of us living in the house too. A real gamble and to be honest, feels like neither me or my son can actually be able to have feelings, a good day, bad day, etc because we just don't know how my husband will present each day. 

    One day, it's his ADHD that rears up and we have to pay the 'ADHD tax' and I find myself frustrated as its an avoidable thing, but he doesn't want to see it. And then the next day, he will wake up, seem to be engaged and coherant..only to be triggered by something and he's back in the bed for the rest of the day or a few hours...and we all have to tip-toe, work around and make conncessions for him every day, every hour. he promises something one evening, and when I ask about it the next day, he will state 'I was only talking outloud'. Doesn't committ to anything. literally anything. 

    But with it all and its frustrations.... I find myself really sad for him and pity-ing him and that's not a great place to be for us as you might know.  His depression is horrific to experience. I'm sure it is horrific and horrible for him to have, but I am impacted by it too (as is my son) and this way of living is not something I wish to continue much longer and making plans to see what my options are. But he literally can not. get. out. of. bed. And he says how he doesn't feel like it, he's tired, he's sore, etc....and there comes a point when I think you have to put two feet in front of each other and get the f**k up and trudge on and do that the next day and the next. And to be honest, if you aren't living life and aren't able to actually FUNCTION at all any day or any point... then there needs to be an intervention and help. 

    I guess my biggest wonder is: what can I do (if anything) to support him besides just living my own life and trying to live in my values/boundaries (which he constantly ignores because he's struggling so much he asks for help on so many things...every day...every hour). I mean, I feel like I'm living in a life sucking vortext and trying not to get dragged down. I don't want to tell him what to do but there is SO MUCH HELP AVAILABLE and it's incredibly frustrating to see him struggling and making his - and our - lives so much harder than what they need to be. And if I'm really being honest: I've been his caregiver, nurse and mother for far longer than I expected and signed up for. It sucks. 

     

    ......now that's i've typed that out... I can also see and ask myself what my ROLE is in it and I do believe I have enabled him greatly and I'm angry at myself for that too. But it's so freaking hard to untagle the enmeshment that we've built up. 

    HELP! 

     

  • I'm ashamed, but today i wish my son didnt have ADHD by: Elliej 6 months 4 days ago

    I feel so ashamed, i am crying. My son is brilliant, fantastic, clever, ambitious......and a ball of energy i need to handle in the right way. Im exhausted, im running on empty. 

    Inbetween a full-time career, solo parenting 4/5days of the week and remembering everything, i cant cope. Im full of anxiety and back on medication. 

    Today one has been a 13hour day with my son. 7am to 8pm and he still isnt asleep. We have played darts, basketball, devised a garden activity course, played footbal, watched TV, ive cooked, cleaned, washed, gardened. He answers me back at every turn if i get the slightest word wrong, because in his mind, i am simply not correct. Not factual and it must be rectified. Had i known my ex had ADHD before i married him, im not sure i would have. Its just too much energy, correction, ticks, constant need for attention, and RSD if i pull my son up on certain behaviour (its then a 15minute monologue of how stupid and bad he is if i tell him to stop answering me back). Today i just hate ADHD and my life. 

    Had i known divorce was even more lonely and tiresome than marriage, i wouldnt have done it. He had lots of good points and i would have put up with it all! My ex has, what i feel, abandoned me. I have a far more demanding job. He does 2nights per week. And 2 days per week he pops round for 2hours. I do everything else. I dont know how much longer i can cope with this. 

  • Thank you for the information by: Anonymous (not verified) 6 months 5 days ago

    Thanks everyone for your information.

  • Scheduling Challenges by: flylorider 6 months 6 days ago

    I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year we're both in our late 40s. The potential for undiagnosed ADHD came to a head about six months ago. He went from "no one has every said I have ADHD" to listening to the book and really relating to it. So we're out of denial, which is good but nothing much else has changed. Where it is really hard for me is in terms of plans- he regularly breaks plans we have together- usually because he has double booked himself or just completely forgotten altogether. We've talked about creating a "system" and he is doing a little better about adding things to his calendar. But even if it is on his calendar doesn't mean it is going to happen.  I'm working with my own therapist to learn that this doesn't mean I'm not important (some days I'm better at this than others). Today, I really got that he just can't do it. He's completely unreliable in terms of dates/times. He doesn't mean to hurt people, but he is. I've expressed my concerns and he says he plans to pursue a diagnosis and possible medication. How do I live like this in the meantime when it feels like the rug can get pulled out from under me at any moment and it feels hard to trust him? My instinct is to not make any plans with him at all- but that doesn't feel like a relationship. It feels like downgrading from a "boyfriend" to just dating. Any ideas? 

  • It depends on me by: Swedish coast 6 months 1 week ago

    Am so exhausted. Have been spending a week's vacation doing only things for children. It's been joyful, and I'm so happy spending time with them. But oh so tired now.

    My ADD ex husband has had very low energy for years. I notice now in my week I've squeezed in several weeks' worth of child activities, hosting their friends, researching and preparing new activities, in order to compensate for the passivity I suspect will await the children in his house.

    Midsummer's Eve tomorrow, no children, I'll be spending it helping a friend who's in the middle of divorce and isn't doing very well. I feel bad because I have another friend who was to be alone tomorrow, after having turned down a party invitation, and despite now having settled for celebrating with yet another friend they seem to be sad I'm not going to spend the day with them. They haven't invited me or suggested anything, though. I just sense their disappointment. 

    I'm exhausted. Even when over functioning I never feel enough gets done. Not to meet the needs I see. Especially not to make things happen that nourish me and make me happy. Around me is knee-deep passivity. I'm terrified of its effects. That's why I battle it with all I can muster and wear myself out.

    How did I end up this way? I feel ashamed that I haven't been able to change anything in spite of voicing my needs to friends and family and trying to make boundaries. ADD has almost destroyed me. Why would anyone assume I can take on more? Newly divorced? Battling situational depression? Hardly able to work? Multiple stress symptoms?

    Why does everything seem to depend on me alone?

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