Well, another Sunday, another morning cussing and screaming at me over something stupid. 

This time: he says he's going to rototill the entire back yard for a path. It's April in Oregon. It's muddy, it's nowhere near time to do anything especially as we have non-stop rain for at least another 3-4 weeks, plus, if you're going to rototill anything it's going to grow back in like 5 minutes unless you have the means to immediately do what needs to be done for a path. I say this, and I got cussed out for a solid 5 minutes about how I'm trying to control everything, that anyone else would jump for joy that their husband is going to do this stuff, etc. I didn't yell back, I just quietly stated that while I appreciate what he's thinking about the fact is that we would simply have to do the work over again later. 

He continued to yell at me, and I continued to quietly just stand there, finally I interrupted him and said "You can't cuss at me or yell at me. This is the last time you will ever yell at me or cuss me out. I am done. I want to separate."

We later talked more about it and I told him that while I am more than happy to entertain the thought of him changing his behavior for the better, that I am also not holding my breath. I have done everything I can to support him, and his continuing inability to recognize his own behavior as inappropriate, to take steps to change how he deals with things, his horrible anger issues, just EVERYTHING...I'm done. I can't allow other people to treat me like this.I can't look forward to the next 45+ years I'm on this earth God willing to deal with all of his issues. 

As per usual his usual tack during this quiet heart to heart was just to zone out. I asked him if he anything to say and he says like he always does "I don't know." I told him that I want to be as civil as possible, that I definitely don't think it's all him that's at fault, that I'm taking responsibility for my part in all of this. 

This is going to be a long process - it's not going to be overnight. We've been married for a long time and he is not able to support himself.  I told him that over the next 18 months (!!!!!!) he needs to move towards making himself more independent. Part of that will be me getting him on disability. He works 2-3 days a week at a comic book store (he gets most of his pay in trade), so he will need to figure something out.

I am sad but at the same time I'm hopeful that I can get my life back one day. I've sunk so much time and energy into "fixing" this man, and we all know how fruitful that can be. :) 

As you can see from the subject line, it's reached "critical mass" here. Trying to physically restrain me from getting into my vehicle to prevent me from going to church, then chasing me on foot until I actually turned the corner...the advice I'd received seemed far overdo. The advice had come from professionals and also 3 folks I've known for over 30 years. The yelling, screaming, jumping up and down is daily. There is no talking to my spouse without a rage taking place and I'm not up to it any longer.  No matter the topic, it always ends up "I've got ADHD and it's not my fault. It's the way I am. It's a brain dysfunction". He is a medical professional in psychology and helps others cope and strategize in dealing with a whole host of issues, especially ADHD. He has had the police called on him due to his extreme behavior while out in public (including a hospital and a large clinic).  However, I get told it's always my fault. I need to add that, of course, he's always invited to attend church with me. This, however, happened to be a day he had to work. He was going to be leaving the house 45 minutes after me.

I'm told I should have used this word instead of that word. Several years ago I learned to select my words very carefully so they could not be misunderstood. It created such fear that I had even kept a journal of all these "forbidden words". Those journals were burned when it dawned on me it had nothing to do with which words I'd spoken. Now, there are perceived "looks" I give my spouse. Although, there's no truth to this, as often I'm not even on the same floor in the house. This plus the constant negativity regarding almost everything has worn me out. 

Physically, I'm dealing with several significant health issues. They are improving and I'm beyond grateful. Simply put, the advice I received was not what I really desire. Yet, I cannot handle the daily struggle. There are also daily "promises" that occur as well. Yet, not ONCE has a promise been kept. There are as many excuses as there are grains of sand on the planet. We'd even been to counseling. That didn't go well as my spouse stood up, pointed his finger in his face and said "You're going to listen to me! I'm paying for this session".

Right now, even the thought of an "exit strategy" is tiring. I've no energy left. Outwardly, I'm quiet yet inwardly, I'm screaming.

Deborah

Hi All, 

I have read through many of these forums, and as a non ADHD partner, I can relate to so many of you. I am currently in a relationship with a man with ADHD. He was diagnosed when he was 18 and is now 28. He was taking adderall for the first couple of years after being diagnosed, and then stopped. We have been together for almost three years now, and it has been incredibly difficult this past year especially. We have been getting into many arguments about the lack of communication, my feelings of distrust, intimacy issues, and overall not feeling heard, important, or seen as a priority. I have asked for a few days of space for some clarity and perspective on what to do, as I am at a loss. We had talked about seeing a doctor to get back on adderall at one point, but he has not made that happen, and at this point I want to do it for him, but also don't want to come off as taking too much control over him, as he has stated he feels criticized or that I am being controlling at times. I don't mean to be this way, I just feel completely lost when I cannot communicate. What are some ways that you have coped with these issues, and how do you communicate so that both parties are heard and understood? 

Thank you in advance for any advice!

So unlike Elsa, I am not able to "let it go".  I have been through years of therapy--alone and together with DH--and all I feel is cheated out of 22 years of my life.  I look at photos of me with my boys when they were little and I can barely remember that person, the person that loved her sons with abandon, told her husband he was the man of her dreams and happily did whatever needed to be done without complaint.  Now...I am a bitter, angry, tired, overweight, jaded 47 year old.  I have had enough therapy to know that what you tell yourself becomes reality, that it's all a matter of perspective, that I can break the endless script of failure in my head...but I just can't seem to.  My oldest son will be 18 in May and graduates from high school on June 4.  We have no college money saved for him.  None.  He was accepted at Indiana University and wants to go very badly.  It's $45,000 a year.  That is more than my salary in a year.  So I failed in saving for college.  And his brother (age 16) wants to go to University of Illinois (we are in Chicago, so that will be cheaper).  Oldest son was in rehab for 6 weeks last year.  So I failed in communicating that we don't do drugs.  In fact my father was a violent alcoholic who killed himself when I was six and my son knows that and still chose to drink and take drugs.  My faith is really important to me--I teach in a Catholic school and go to church every week.  We took the boys to church for years.  Now it's like pulling teeth to get them to come with me.  Hubby doesn't go any more either.  So another thing that was important to me for our family down the drain.  We are vegetarians--I have been since high school, and the boys and DH are too.  At least I thought DH was-there were receipts from several business trips on the desk and come to find out he has been eating meat for about the past year.  So another shared value I thought we had, we don't and he doesn't even know that I know this about him.  Grades in high school--don't get me started-both of my boys have IQs that there is no name for, but they have gotten Ds on their report cards and it does not phase them at all.  I am a teacher for crying out loud, we value education.  How did they not get that??  Fidelity and honesty in marriage--there have been three other women that I know of and DH lies like he breathes, so those two values are out the window too.

 Now, let me be clear--I do not want to raise clone children, but some of these basic values I had hoped to impart to my kids--faith and education are pretty important to me.  I cannot decide if I have just matured and changed and I am making more of all of this than needs to be, that life is just messy and kids have to mess around and fail a few times before they sort themselves out.  It could be a midlife crisis of my own, I don't know, but I can't seem to stop cataloguing all of the failures I just listed in my head.  I can't seem to stop the loop that is running in my head.  I do a pretty good job of keeping this all to myself, but it's always running in my head.  I take anti-anxiety medicine and I have an appointment with my doc next week.  It's possible I need a new/different med because I just cannot stop the loop in my head that says I made a lousy choice in a life partner 22 years ago and so me and the kids are paying the price.  It's exhausting.  How do I let it go.  What can I say to myself??