This is your standard "I'm new here, so glad I found you"  typical post.  

Married for 15 years with two elementary school aged kids.  I've been dealing for years with inexplicable behavior, poor memory, hyper-focus on insignificant (to me) things, abysmal follow through on promises, lost items, impulsivity, chronic lateness.  My husband is a highly intellectual and emotional person, highly creative (came from NYC acting scene), and talks a good talk...so I never really put all the pieces together until just a few weeks ago.  In fact I'd be googling things like "husband doesn't do what he says he will do" just to prove I wasn't crazy, and the first thing that would come up is a link to a post in this very forum...and I'd read it but go "yeah, but he isn't ADHD..." and move on.

It was only a few weeks ago that I looked at that post, and this blog, and a few others and the light bulb went on.  Wait a second.  Yes, he is.  

Wow.  It explains almost everything.  Like he has a very poor recall memory, going so far as to not remember key events in our own lives.  I always have to fill in the blanks for him.  Or re-explain procedures and why we're doing things a certain way.  Or how he is absolutely convinced we never ever talked about a topic we talked about just last night.  Or how he'll create whole scenarios out of a conversation because he only heard part of it.  Or like how he will say he will do the dishes or go to the dump or clean a room and just, kind of, NOT do any of those things.  (He'll thoroughly learn about the new topic he's hyper-focused on, though.)  Or how, over the years, I've taken over all of the household duties(I do mean all-- I mow in the summer, I plow in the winter, I do all the laundry, cleaning, dishes, meal preparation, shopping, bills, taxes, car maintenance, going to the dump, kid schedule juggling--anything that involves either a regular schedule or a mundane but essential task)--in addition to holding down a full time job--because otherwise they would not get done.  Or how we'll start a new project (for instance, we built a PYO fruit orchard) and then he'll lose interest, and I am the one who gets to do all the maintenance to keep up said project. Or how he is always, constantly, consistently late.  Or how he would never, ever get into bed at the same time as me, even when we "scheduled" sex...making me wait...I'd get tired, fall asleep...turn off the light...I'd feel rejected, he'd get upset...which obviously has led to a loss of intimacy. I guess it's come to a head for me because we (or maybe just I) am trying to teach our kids about household responsibility, and they're both old enough so that they can do some of them (like folding laundry, or taking the dishes out of the dish washer), but he isn't participating in the reinforcement of these lessons, even though he genuinely agrees that they are very important.  So I end up being the bad guy.

Since I just figured out that he may actually be ADHD, I haven't brought this possibility up to him yet, nor has he been diagnosed.  But meanwhile, given that he exhibits many of the same behaviors, I have been trying out different tactics to try and get the household chore thing under control.  I have resorted to notes, pointing out specific tasks that need to be done. This week, in particular, has been a glaringly obvious failure--because it is school vacation week and my husband has stayed at home with the kids for the duration.  So there's no excuse at all for not doing, say, the laundry, because they're home all day.

At first, I was writing playful notes, like, (because we just watch Star Wars) one creative missive said "Remember, my young padawan learners, a Jedi must always fold laundry!"   ..but I came home and no laundry had been folded.  I asked "did you get my note?"  and my husband smiled appreciately and said "Yes!  It was hilarious!"  and I said, "so...about the laundry?"  and he said "What laundry?"  and I said "....I said, in the note, to fold laundry?"  and he said "Oh!  I completely missed that part!"

Really?  How could you miss that part?  It was the whole point of the note.  So we had a discussion about this and I thought were on the same page, and the next day the laundry got folded as per the note (which said something like "The way to a mom's heart is through laundry!  Or coffee.  Coffee works too.")  and all seemed well, so the next day I wrote another note that tried to make a rhyme....with the one task of taking the clean dishes out of the dishwasher.  I came home to find, not only that the dishwasher had not been emptied, but EVERY SINGLE DISH had been used during the day.  When I confronted him about it, he said he "didn't understand the point of the note".  He also claimed that he was "going to do the dishes when they got back," which we both knew wasn't true--it wasn't even on his radar.  Then later I find out that one of my daughters never brushed her hair, which is a problem because it tangles easily, which I have several times discussed with both my husband and my kids--this is not a negotiable item of the day.  It must happen or someone is going to get a haircut. (again, I end up being the bad guy)

I know he knows that this isn't working.  I don't want to make him feel bad.  But I really can't keep this up without help, even if I'm the one who ends up "coordinating" and prioritizing.

So today, putting humor and any enthusiasm aside, (no "good morning everyone!"  or "What a nice day!" or anything that could be considered remotely distracting, or for that matter, any fun to read) I wrote down, in plain, boring, cold, simple English, all the "must do" tasks that should happen today(and, well, every day):

1. Get dressed
2. Brush teeth
3. Brush hair
4. If there are clean dishes in the dishwasher, put them away.
5. If you use a dish during the day, either wash it or put it in the dishwasher
6. If there is laundry in the dryer, fold it and put it away
7. If there is laundry in the washer, put it in the dryer.
8. Have a good day.

I have no doubt that this method will work.  For today.  But aside from the fact that I feel like I'm being condescending by telling a grown, functioning adult that brushing hair, washing dishes and folding laundry are not negotiable household chores, and how to do them, and that everyone must participate in them on a daily basis, I don't feel like I can "re-use" this note.  And I feel like I'm going to have to somehow reinforce these basic tasks every day.  And plus there are other ones that must happen....take out the trash, empty the compost bin...feed the cats...clean out the gerbil cage.  Because there are kids involved, I need to come up with some kind of system that will work long term, will not take a great deal of repeated effort on my part, and NOT make my husband feel like I'm punishing him or treating him like a child (which is an accusation he has leveled at me on occasion).

 I have a feeling that if I simply repeat the same thing over and over, he (and thus the kids) will lose interest and "not hear" what is on the note.  Any ideas?

Your spouse notices that you been acting differently lately, acting down, distant, aloof. Even before you realize it. You think about it, about why, and ultimately it comes down to your spouse's ADHD and feeling disappointed about things or something.  You know you need to accept it, suck it up, and move on. You know it's not something that he can control or does on purpose. It's not negative, it's not hateful, it's not hurtful....it's just disappointing...in how it effects you and the lives you planned together. It is something that you will get over, it is something you'll work out, but for now, it's...disappointing and sad. 

You try to pretend like you're over it, that you don't know why you were acting that way, that it's over, but the knows you too well to believe your act. Telling him the truth about what's been on your mind will only hurt his feelings, will only get in his head and start on the train of self-loathing. Again,it's not something he can control, it's not something that he chooses or can change. It is what it is. So when he's insistent on you telling him what it is, do you tell him the truth? Or do you keep trying to fake it, even when he knows you're lying?

I know im being extremely vague and I'm probably oversimplifying it, but trying to get some advice...

I've been reading everyone's posts for a while, so thank you all for helping me to feel less alone.  I really need to tell someone what is happening as I cannot tell anyone I know. My husband is ADHD, has been since he was a kid but his parents chose to take him off medication. He was rediagnosed three years ago and I read everything I could on the subject. He wasn't interested in learning, wouldn't even let me speak about it, and just took the 30mg of Adderall and an anti-depressant that his GP gave him. I said for years that his medication was wrong. It finally took my telling him in August that if he didn't take the reins and get this under control, I was divorcing him. This is the only time that I have said that, although he has threatened divorce for 11 years, which I now realize he does to give his brain stimulation. He picked a therapist completely based on her looks (he proudly showed me a photo of her) which I didn't mind because at least he was going to one, but she knows absolutely NOTHING about ADHD. She has him talking about Mars/Venus communication issues, and has no clue about ADHD. I've read every marriage self help book in 17 years and it was only when I learned about ADHD that everything made complete sense. Luckily she referred him to a psychiatrist to deal with his medication, but he is currently off all meds. Was supposed to wean and re-evaluate, but instead he decided to go cold turkey. His therapist was completely charmed by him, and he can talk for hours about nothing. He would rehash every appointment with me as soon as he left. One time they spent 20 minutes of his session talking about her dog. She would laugh at his "antics" - like his new hobby of stealing street signs and the fact that it bothered me that he handed me his ipad to order him a fake vagina sex toy, as we were lying in bed not having sex. His sex drive totally disappeared when he was on meds, but he said "It's not a problem for me" when I tried to discuss that he needed to change his medication.

He came home from a trip this weekend and said he wanted a divorce (for the second time in 2017). I want to divorce him too, but we have children so I'm trying to handle it carefully. He seemed to be waiting for me to beg him to stay as usual, but I'm done. I finally feel like I can relax because the end is near, so I'm not so irritated with everything he does and doesn't do. Two days later he said he wants to be around me more now than he ever has. He says he wants to plan on getting divorced eventually, but not tell anyone, and in the meantime have an open relationship. (Which is way beyond my boundaries, but I told him that even though I'm not comfortable with it, I would think about it - really just to buy myself time and keep him from a raging melt down.) Here's the kicker - minutes after our conversation about divorce upon his return and two days before he "just thought of" trying an open relationship since we have nothing to lose, he signed up for a sugar babies/sugar daddies service. He immediately made a profile, paid for premium membership, and is now exchanging messages with one of them. Funny that his ADHD has helped me in that he forgot that his email is on our home computer as well. He has no idea that I know and I'm waiting to see a new therapist in a few weeks to figure out how to proceed.

He had a 2-3 year sexting relationship with a woman he worked with. He had an escort text him which he claimed was a "cold call" and then was furious with me for questioning him. I'm 99% sure that he had a one night stand on vacation. All these things I've pushed aside to stay married. My parents were divorced and I've never wanted to put my children through it, plus I've worried about how he would be as an ex-husband if he's this bad thorughout our marriage. I've put up with his drastic mood swings and multi-day silent treatments. I almost never get his full attention. I often feel completely unloved, and I'm shocked when mutual friends tell me how much he loves me and how great our marriage is. I'm in the best physical shape of my life, I get hit on by 20-somethings who tell me how lucky my husband is, while he has gained 40 pounds. I'm kind and loving and supportive and everyone tells him how lucky he is to have me - to which he gets jealous and says "well she's lucky to have me" He's bored with me just like he gets bored with everything else in his life. I kept trying to "not be boring" as he said - as it's always my job to make the changes to keep him happy - but I will never be enough for him. He said he wants someone who can drop everything and just have fun with him. Everything must be spontaneous or a surprise. Planning is "boring". I'm so tired of being the responsible one, the parent. I'm tired of doing literally everything, including help in his office when needed. He "makes the money" so I do everything else. Oh and I'm not even getting into the financial mess he has created...

Despite it all, I still love him. There's a good guy in there. Sadly it's everyone outside our marriage who gets to enjoy him. And even more sad, I've lost every ounce of hope I had that things could get better. 

I'm new here- I have been reading, and seeing so many sentences that mirror my life.  I've always known something is missing in our 15 year marriage.  No emotional connection. I'm an emotional person, H is devoid of feelings.  We tried Dr. Phil's relationship rescue.  Well, I did anyway.  H has ZERO defining moments.  He has no memories of feeling any kind of emotions.  He can't name the happiest times, saddest, anything. 

Of course I put myself into therapy, because after riding the roller coaster of depression and loneliness so long, I knew (and he knew) for certain that I'M the problem.  We're both very comfortable with ME being the problem.  I've tried every antidepressant on the market through the years, and lost about 1/3 of my hair on the last one, but I keep on trying.  My therapist finally told me my husband has ADD about 4-5 months ago.  She put this book in front of me and told me to read the first page- it was like reading my own diary.

Brought the book home- husband couldn't deny it.  He took the quiz and aced it (and not in a good way). I can't believe I was naive enough to think he'd pursue treatment. He's never followed through on anything.  Went from yes, I'll be treated, to no, I don't agree with medication.  Funny, he agreed heartily with medication when he thought I needed it!

But what has me in tears today is that I just realized that if I stay, my kids will NEVER have met me.  They will never know who I am outside of this.  They'll only ever know me as a non-add spouse.  And I don't like her very much...