Just realized that there are no happy memories in our marriage to look back on. At least not for me. He left me to handle an impossible load all on my own with our family. And I do mean impossible. I have health issues of my own that have affected me significantly. Both of our kids were diagnosed with PANDAS, a form of Autoimmune Encephalitis. One is on the Autism Spectrum. This means sick children with major behavior issues. I have always had to work, manage all their care, the bulk of the house, medical issues, the school and SPED paperwork/meetings, etc. For years he came and went as he pleased, worked full time and barely managed to pay the bills. He was constantly gone with activities, friends, masonic Lodge events and meetings/fundraisers. It seemed anything he could do to avoid going home, he did. I had no support, literally. From time to time his parents would watch the kids when they had a day off school and I was working. That's it! with my health issues and the kids' issues it has been impossible making and keeping friendships, so no support there either. My oldest has constantly been denied government services, despite being pretty ill most of his life (he is spectrum kid). Most of my life has been working all day, no vacations for years (saving all my PTO for kids needs- doctor's appts, sick days and school days off, etc.).  I never get a break, to be honest. For years now I have worked all day, came home and took care of the kids. A few years back my health started to decline because between a high pressure job and two kids with severe behaviors- self injury, rages, property destruction, ODD behaviors, anxiety, depression, I never got a moment to rest or relax. Found out two years ago I have neurological damage and chronic infections- autoimmunity that has gotten pretty bad. He was literally gone 4-6 days a week, nights too, with work and various activities, even though he knew how bad things were. A discussion with my spouse made me realize all he remembers from this time period were the fun times he went through, while I was enduring a never ending hell. The fun times for me? There were none. All I remember are the  good moments with my kids, things we did together. There was nothing good with my husband, just a memory of him either being home and miserable- snapping impatiently at everyone or ignoring us or being rude to me, or him being gone all the time. How do you stay in a relationship like that? I realize now I was enabling him for so many years. But even when I stood up to him, when I argued, asked and pleaded with him to help out more or be home more he refused. Saying he needed all these activities as his own form of therapy. When I mentioned this morning to him I haven't had a vacation in years and he has, he goes "I make time for it myself and you don't." How can I, when i have to work and all my PTO goes to taking care of his kids? I cannot quit my job as it looks like one child will need costly medical treatments due to declining health he has. No matter what, I will continue to take care of my children. It's just sad there is no connection or good memories left.

I did not know he had this for the first year we were together, I just knew he had organization, memory and other issues.  I accepted and blew it off.  I'm a type A Personality so it was not noticed as much.

However, things started falling apart in our lives.  Illnesses, death of family members, job losses, and his condition really came to the forefront because I needed him to help more.

Garbage  that is sprinkled around the house that never makes it in the garbage can, paperwork that never gets filled out, clutter and the complete and total lack of consideration for our belongings has left our house a total disaster and me very depressed.

I am so overwhelmed.

How can I do the things I am planning on doing if I can't even keep up with the house is a question I ask myself often.

Then I found an article a couple years ago.  The compulsive lying, the zoning out when trying to talk to him about important things, the losing things non stop and total failure to be accountable but instead blaming me or saying he is dumb or a bad person....  it all snapped in place.  He is not a partner.  He is a child I take care of.

I really don't know what I'm going to do yet.  I read this stuff about people on medication still having issues...  I just don't think I can do it.  He is resisting me on getting meds, too.

I've never been depressed.  Usually really positive but living with someone with this condition is like a black cloud hanging over me.

Does medication really help?

Is it possible to accomplish much if you are with someone with ADHD?

is there ever a time you are not taking care of them like a child?

Thank you for listening!

Those are his words, but I believe they're accurate.  He told me this weekend that he knows this is true because he prefers sitting with his mom, who has late-stage Alzheimer's disease and can't process communication, than being with his dad (and, presumably, with me). In a way, this doesn't matter anymore (we're now divorced), but it still hurts.  I wonder if he ever told any of the several therapists he visited over the years that part of the problem was his inability to form connections and it wasn't only my fault that our relationship was rocky and his life wasn't going well.

Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting on a forum like this, but this site seems to have more balanced views rather than a lot of the ADHD bashing that goes on in a lot of other forums.  For context, my situation has been a bit different than most of the ones I read about in that my partner was diagnosed with ADD as a child.  He was upfront with me about it and that he had not been receiving treatment since high school, but did not tell me much about what ADD was.  After 2 years of dating that I've spent scrolling through these kinds of forums (because advice for relationships with non-married ADD partners seems nowhere to be found), I'm starting to understand a lot of the burn out people are having.  It should also be noted that I have mild OCD which--when I'm stressed--obviously can get much worse, and becomes easily aggravated by disorder. (I'm sure you can see the start of the problem).  Since we have been dating my ADD boyfriend has gotten on medication that has been effective, but has refused to find a therapist, and refuses to take his medication for any time but work and it wears off soon after he gets home.

We have been living together for the past 10 months and while he is a sweet, loving boyfriend, he is a horrible roommate.  I have managed to make the most important things like bills very easy and he is on top of it, but I cannot for the life of me find any way to get him to do chores without being prompted.  The only chore he will do without my asking is the dishes.  He does not spot clean, he will not gather trash from the house, just whatever's already in the kitchen bag, I have experimented and he does not even notice when there is grime on his sink in the bathroom.  I understand that not noticing or doing these things is a part of ADD.  But I cannot make every decision and delegation every day.  And as I continue to have less and less time to spend at home cleaning I am worried that I will continue to come home and just find a pig sty, as it has been these past few weeks.  Things are messy enough right now that the sheer stress of being surrounded by it when I get home at 8 or 9pm leaves me with no energy to clean, but also unable to sleep.  I've only been able to get about 3hrs a night, and am approaching my wit's end.

Despite this, today I made huge headway in potentially getting a job doing event planning and generally helping flesh out the internal system of a young non-profit.  But if I get this job (or any job I'm qualified for, most involve these kind of things) I'm not going have the energy to plan every single date just because he "has no ideas".  I'm not going to be able to handle coming home and not being able to even make myself dinner because the counter's are strewn with the packaging of the instant meals he eats when I'm gone.  I've stopped being mildly annoyed by him not taking care of his own things and started to get aggravated.  And I have expressed this, calmly, succinctly, with him explaining back to me how he's interpreted what I said and how he feels about it and what he'll do, etc........And then nothing happens.  He still knows I'm stressed, and I'm angry, but it's like his ADD just magically makes him forget why I can't relax now when I'm home and he just gets upset that I don't want to hold hands or snuggle etc.  If I try to tell him when I'm feeling emotional about it, no matter how simply I tell him, no matter how nicely I try to phrase things, he cries.  Whenever I get upset and express it he just cries.  And I know it's just some kind of weird knee-jerk reaction, but it makes me even more upset, and I end up avoiding talking about things for the 3rd, 4th, or 5th time.....

At this point, I don't know how to get him to do anything without feeling like a bitch beyond just putting signs around the house.  Which he's told me to do...but whenever my OCD is really really bad, categorizing and organizing things is what I do.  Just thinking about it is a very negative feeling for me, so I have asked him to work to find a way to manage it for himself.   And he just doesn't.  I can't even get him to do fun things of his own initiative, like set up the new computers he wants to use.  I don't know what to do anymore.  He hasn't been this bad about chores until recently (I had a friend who's over frequently verify, since I know my OCD makes things seem worse than they are) and if things continue getting worse like they have been, I don't think I can stay in this relationship.  But if I can't have a constructive conversation with him that he remembers, what am I going to do?  I don't want to treat him like a child.  I just want him to act like an adult and take care of his responsibilities.  I'd like him to treat them like responsibilities instead of random things I ask him to do.  All advice and experiences are welcome.  Thanks ahead.

tldr; OCD girlfriend with ADD boyfriend.  ADD boyfriend has been progressively ceasing all chores and self-sufficiency over the past month, causing inordinate amounts of stress and insomnia while I am job hunting.  I have talked with him about it a few times and it gets "forgotten", leaving him wondering why I'm angry and don't want to be affectionate.  Please help.